To expect to be able to book assistance when travelling alone by train with a small child?

[DTwelve]

This is possibly a non-issue as it has been mostly resolved (train company gave me a 'goodwill' refund in the form of vouchers) and although I claim to have altruistic intentions, I'm secretly just hoping that I WNBU fighting for a refund because customer relations definitely made me feel like I was. I'm rubbish at being brief and don't want to drip feed so apologies for length.

So in early June, I booked some advance tickets to travel by train to see my family with DH at the end of August. I've made the journey before on my own and with DH and DD but this time I would have had DD (18 months) and been 5 months pregnant together with the pushchair (foldable mclaren, not a tank) and all the luggage. The journey is fairly long and involves a change of trains at Peterborough (over the huge bridge for those familiar with the station).

After booking the tickets, DH's work discovered that they had accidentally double booked holiday and someone would have to change. Apparently the only person who could change their holiday was DH (I may have been a little hormonal over this at the time but that's another story). As the tickets were advance, non-refundable and would cost £60 to change (£10 per person, per journey) we eventually decided the best idea was for me to travel alone with DD.

A few weeks before travelling, I rang the train company to book assistance. I was told that it was not their policy to allow either parents with young children or pregnant women to book assistance and although there 'should' be help available, if anyone elderly or disabled needed assistance, there would be no help available for us.

This was not what I had expected so I thanked the man for the information, hung up and panicked.

I would not physically be able to travel without assistance. If I left the pushchair down with DD in it, then I couldn't push the pushchair and carry the luggage (I can in a straight line, but not up and over that bridge at P'boro) and may have to leave DD unattended on a train during boarding to manage my luggage and if I folded the pushchair and strapped it over my back, then I would not be able to hold DD's hand on a busy platform/train and get the luggage onto the train myself all in a short space of time while contending with other people during the school holidays (so it would probably be fairly busy). I'm pretty sure I'm not meant to carry heavy things while pregnant anyway.
There was a chance I could get help from the station staff and a chance I could have considerate fellow passengers who would help but I didn't want to rely on luck and risk getting stranded.

The other options I considered were to pay for new tickets when DH could travel with me (expensive), get someone to travel to Peterborough with me to help me change trains (also expensive and they wouldn't be allowed to board the train with me without a ticket), go without the pushchair (30 minute walk to the station my end) or fight to see if I could get the train company to change their mind.

I called them and started off calmly but by the time I got to the third assistant, I was a massively awkward (albeit terribly polite) customer who knew my rights (and I couldn't afford to visit her family if this didn't work so I felt I had nothing to lose). I quoted the equality act about pregnancy being a protected condition, the right to use (land based) public transport and that it was a reasonable adjustment given my situation to be allowed to book help. I felt horribly guilty and demanding because I asked for either guaranteed assistance (in writing) or an alternative travel arrangement where I could provide my own assistance. Eventually to shut me up, they agreed to refund the tickets as vouchers but it took a very polite and insistent fight.

So it should be over now, I need to find an alternative time to travel etc but I can't help wondering though if I should try and see if there's anything I can do to make them change their policies. I'm actually pretty lucky in that I have a DH who can make the journey with me, but there are probably quite a few people (single parents, parents where the other half works away etc) who can't afford their own transport needing to make similar journeys.

WIBU to think that you should be able to book assistance if travelling alone with small children? If I was and I've missed something, how do other people manage similar train journeys that involve changing trains and more luggage than a changing bag?

sorry but yabu imho. Having just experienced a very long train journey with 87 yr old dm, dd, me recoering brain tumour surgery , epilepsy.... booked help and they still too busy to give it but we accepted this as far worse folks on journey needs wise than us. Speaking as long term single mum aswell.

I often travel on train alone with small children. I remember being at Clapham junction on a lovely platform and had to get a 17 month old and a pushchair Plus a holdall type bag down the stairs whilst I was nearly 8 months pregnant.
I carried ds1 down and tied him to banister with his reins, then took pushchair down and put ds1 on there then back up for bag. Not ideal but was my only real option. Got harder when ds2 was born, and is now easier again that they are 3 and 5.
I think you can't manage or are unable to ask for help nicely, then don't go.

Not sure tbh!

Although I travelled on my own on a train with Ds who was 11 months old and when i was 4 months pregnant. I managed, I have never ever found that there has been people unwilling to help me out.

Even when on my own and as a student when i was travelling home for the summer, and i had a huge bag, always there would be a handy bloke to lift the thing onto the train for me if they saw me struggling and half the time they would do it even if i could manage perfectly fine!

I tend to hate it when ppl say "just use a baby carrier" etc as it isn't always that easy and i found it quite difficult to carry dd and deal with toddler ds, but that is what i did, had Ds in a carrier, over the bump and the pushchair, which ended up being used to carry my luggage!

Never occurred to me to ask for assistance! I just assumed there would be help and there was!

YABU. Assistance is there for the elderly and the disabled. You are neither. I actually can not believe you had the brass neck to kick up such a bloody fuss over it TBH!

I think people freak out a bit about public transport. My kids and I love it, we used to get the train from London to Dublinand and back 6 times a year or so.

Me, 3 kids under 5, double buggy, minimal luggage. 3 trains and a ferry. It was fun! All my friends thought I was a loon.

YABU.

Buy a rucksack, and reins. When getting off the train, get ready by the doors in plenty of time - rucksack on back, pushchair in one hand, toddler held with the other. Get off train.

When getting on the train, ask station staff in plenty of time to point you to where your door is likely to be. Set up there - rucksack on back, pushchair one hand, toddler the other. get on train.

Research accessibility options at Peterborough. www.nationalrail.co.uk/stations/pbo/details.html suggests that there is ramp access up and over the relevant bridge - easy - rucksack on back, push pushchair. Take pushchair down to get on train.

As someone who regularly did 6+ hour train journeys with 1 child and a bump, and then 2 children (above is easily adapted for two children, you just need a front carrier for the 2nd baby as well as the rucksack), you are being VERY precious. It would never have occurred to me to request assistance...

I have had assistance to get onto a train when heavily pregnant with a toddler, but I also had temporary health conditions that made mobility difficult (which have become permanent, boo!). I think you can ask, but if it isn't their policy to help women with children, then it isn't their policy, can I ask why you think it is? Pushing a buggy and pulling a suitcase is awkward, but do-able and there is usually plenty of assistance if you are struggling to get on them.

But WHY use a suitcase??? Just use a rucksack, problem solved.

Unsure tbh, if your DH was joining you, could he have taken more luggage or as others have said, use a rucksack?

At one point I would have said YABU, but I had a horrible journey relatively recently. I was at the other end of the country and somehow (no idea how) tore a muscle getting out of a taxi AND the oull handle on the suitcase broke. It was an old injury, but anyway I could not pick up my suitcase at all without agonising pain.

Fortunately a nice young guy helped me into the station BUT I was denied assistance whilst at the ticket barrier because I (a) wasn't disabled and (b) hadn't booked. Fortunately one of the ticket checkers took pity on me and probably got shit for it and put my bag on the train. Made me rethink things.

I think if you are able you shouldn't expect assistance, but if circumstance changes, it's a bloody shame if it can't be accomodated. I doubt many people would ask if they didn't need it tbh.

Once upon a time I'd have said other passengers would probably help and I know I would & have offered help to others, but my experience was an eye-opener. A chunk of the public looked at me like I was a nutter, one woman offered to 'help' but her help was moving me out of the centre of the pavement & telling me to stop crying and another informed me that I needed to calm down & stop making a scene when I had initially picked up the bag and let out a screech when the bloody muscle tore

I wonder if a solution would be to allow people to pay for assistance if they don't automatically qualify at larger stations?

I think floranora has come up with a great way of deciding whether people deserve help.

"OP, tough fecking tit. assistance is for the elderly and disabled. you are pregnant and have a child- you did that to yourself. if you are unable to manage then you should have thought about that."

So my friend who is paraplegic after a climbing accident? Well, to be fair, he chose to go climbing, so he did that to himself. If he's now unable to manage, he should have thought about that.

My patients with diabetes who now can't see because of retinopathy. Well, most of them have diabetes because they are overweight and ate too much, so they did that to themselves. If they are unable to manage, they should have thought about that.

Pregnancy isn't an illness but can cause illnesses. Pregnancy isn't a disability but can cause (thankfully for most people, temporary) problems (never met anyone who has ended up in a wheelchair with SPD?). The OP wasn't being unreasonable asking for help, but needing help isn't a competition. There are a lot of people playing a very sad version of Top Trumps here.

"I think if you are able you shouldn't expect assistance, but if circumstance changes, it's a bloody shame if it can't be accomodated. I doubt many people would ask if they didn't need it tbh."

Indeed, this is hardly because every pregnant woman in the land is going to ask for help to put her handbag on the train. Sounds like there was a very specific problem and situation.

Sorry but yabu your choices in life are not the train company's fault or problem.

When is a life choice not a life choice though? OP had bought tickets on the presumption that she wouldn't need assistance, but this changed because the prrson providing that could not travel. This is where I think paid assistance would be damned handy.

I know it's a little different from my situation as I had already done the outward journey & my 'circumstance' changed about 100m from the station, but what if OP was returning home and suddenly DH couldn't help, would that make a difference?

I frequently travelled with my dc until I passed my driving test just before ds was born. So the last big journey I did, I had dd1 age 6, dd2 age 3 and 6 months pg with ds.

The station we leave from we always have to change at a station with no lift, going under the platforms using steps.

I think their disabled advice is to use a different station

However I don't think I ever had a problem because there were always people willing to help. I never had to carry a buggy over the steps, nor struggle with suitcases, there was always someone who stepped forward to carry stuff, give a hand to help the dc on and off the train, give up seats if I hadn't booked. Often I ended up going down the steps with only my dc's hands to hold because I had one person carrying the buggy, another carrying the suitcase.

I think you're arguing with the wrong people though. It wasn't the train company that altered the tickets. I think you should have been asking your dh's company to pay the £60, rather than expecting the train company to pick up your problems.

Let's face it, what you need are good old traditional British Rail porters.
I saw a 'Bring back BR' badge the other day, and I must admit I miss the ease of cross country travel with them.

When I was seen struggling whilst pregnant with luggage and a 10month old by a member if station staff at Birmingham I was informed that if I knew what times my trains were connecting I could call the station ahead and they would allocate a member of staff to escort me through the station (and they could get the ramp out for my pushchair) I think the train companies probably don't want the hassle of calling the stations themselves!

I'm a single mum and do this kind of thing all the time. It is a nightmare though so I totally get where you are coming from. Never occurred to me t o ask for help from the train company.

To be honest, I think a lot of this is to do with confidence, and the fact that doing something new can seem insuperable, especially when you are doing it with a baby, and pregnant.

DTwelve - I honestly think that, if you'd tried, you would have found it was nowhere near as difficult as you were fearing - people would have helped, you would have coped, and you would have gained confidence as a result. There's been a lot of good advice about the practicalities of travelling with children, and maybe next time, you will give it a go.

Hmmmm. My DH is in the Army and we live in Germany. He is away a lot, and if I didn't travel alone with DD we would rarely get over to the UK to see family. I have never considered asking for assistance. The thought just didn't cross my mind.

I fly alone with my DD, and have done since she was 3 weeks old.

I always have a pushchair, 10kg of hand luggage, a 20kg bag, a big car seat in another bag, and a baby - and at Bremen airport there are no trollies. It's a nightmare, but I manage. I end up with the baby in a sling, hand luggage in the pushchair, car seat on my back, dragging the bag.

At Manchester there are trollies once you have walked what seems like miles to the baggage claim. Baby strapped on the front, bag on the back, then with them both in situ I haul my baggage off the conveyor and throw it on the trolley.

I've also taken the train to Manchester Airport - plenty of people offered to help me over the bridge at the station. If they hadn't I would have asked a member of staff.

I wouldn't consider myself a "machomama" (OMG!) - I'm just a woman who cracks on with it because I have no alternative. If I waited til my DH could go with me I'd be waiting a bloody long time - and at the end of the journey is a rest from the married single parenting I do when he's away.

You were 5 months pregnant. Not ill!!

How do you think women in 3rd world countries manage?

I can understand it is a stiffle but I think yabu. He happy you got your refund and move on.

As a single parent I have travelled a lot on trains alone with ds carrying Carseat, bag/s, pushchair and with child.

if you are struggling with one DC OP then heaven help you if you want to travel when you have two !
Sometimes you just have to get on with it even though in an ideal world there would be a plethora of help out there!!

'I honestly think that, if you'd tried, you would have found it was nowhere near as difficult as you were fearing - people would have helped, you would have coped, and you would have gained confidence as a result'

I agree with STGD, but I spend a lot of time encouraging my DD to try new things that she shies away from. Few things are really as bad as your imagined fears.

"To be honest, I think a lot of this is to do with confidence, and the fact that doing something new can seem insuperable, especially when you are doing it with a baby, and pregnant."

I think this is very true.

It sounds as if there have been very few occasions on which OP has had no alternative except to 'just get on with it' since first becoming a parent. Reading the advice from others on here, those people who have done similar - or more difficult - journeys to yours, and managed, have been those who routinely face 'just get on with it' situations and so have the confidence to know that it will all, somehow, come out OK in the end. Might have hairy moments, of course, but would be OK in the end.

As pretty much my first experience of parenthood was sorting out an international move when DS was 6 weeks and with DH already abroad, I acquired a 'just get on with it' mentaility fairly early on and - though there are journeys and other occasions i would not particularly care to repeat - there is very little indeed that I would not attempt just because help might not be available.