to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

[mackereltin]

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

I completely agree op. people do not seem to question the norm even if it is inherently sexist. And then come up with bullshit made up excuses if you question them on it..

feminazi -

tee can you clarify? i did a quick google to see which countries feminists invaded, which death camps they established, which war crimes they committed and all i found was a bunch of stuff about winning the vote, getting rape in marriage criminalised and fighting for equal pay for the same work.

i am confused

Thing is...

Mothers name, fathers name, both aren't actually theirs is it, if that is how you are going to look at it. Both will be their Grandfathers and so on.

I don't know why anyone gets so het up about it either way. It is just a name so you can be addressed. And the children can always change it to whatever they so wish to as an adult, and then what? You can't argue it with them as it is their choice.

You're not 'wrong' LST, but if I told you that I felt sorry for your children, would you not find that a bit odd?

" But it's fair enough if women don't want to, whatever their reasons. Each to their own."

Women's reasons for not wanting to change the surname they've had all their life on entering the married state, are probably more or less the same as men's reasons for not wanting to change their surname on entering the married state.

Just a thought. A wild one, I know...

I feel sorry for the fathers who have no say in how their own children are named.

Well, the number of involved fathers who don't have a say must be vanishingly few, so I don't think anyone need get upset on their behalf. There must be many who don't get a say because they have bogged off, in which case don't feel sorry for them because they don't deserve it and don't even care.

Please show me where I said I feel sorry for the children???

linerunner

LST it's a comparison.

People get get up about it because the expectation is so heavily on women to change their name; not men.

I think a lot of people just do it without thinking about it. Personally I wouldn't.

But it doesn't compare... At all! In any way?!

I don't think you're wrong and unreasonable, LST, I just think you're rude.

My partner and I chose our children's first names together, and we chose their surnames together. Like most parents do, presumably. The fact that you feel sorry for my OH for his choices is a bit, erm, ODD to say the least. And I think you've expressed your opinion of that very rudely.

Rude?! Really? Well I apologise if you feel that I am being rude to you.. But how I don't see..

Ah yes, the feminist ideal. Do as we say or have a damn good explanation why not.

Plus your oh had a choice... Therefore I do not feel sorry for him..

I really don't know how to make myself clearer...

LST Well it must compare to me, because I made the comparison. It doesn't compare to you. But I don't sympathise with your need to feel sympathy for men whose children have their mother's surname or a melded surname.

Nothing is inherently 'wrong'. It's just choice.

You said the op was being unreasonable as you feel sorry for the fathers whose children have the mother's surname. This implies you think the father?s surname should take precedence as you haven't expressed pity for mother's whose children take the father's name. You ?feel sorry? for a child who has its mother?s maiden name. Why is pity required? The maternal side is as much their identity as the paternal.

You say yourself it?s the what you were brought up to believe. Beliefs we were brought up with needn?t be sacrosanct. Because something is a tradition doesn?t mean it shouldn?t be challenged.

I said those who don't have a choice.. If the father is quite happy then who am I to say.. It's fathers that have no say at all.

Most women don't make a choice they follow a convention.
If you have been brought up thinking its normal to change your name and give kids your partners name then you won't question it, it's hard for some people to break something that is so ingrained. Hard, but worth it of we want to next generation to be less sexist and confined by gender roles.

Posted too soon..- that I feel sorry for.

And you have twisted my words squoosh

LST - i think you're delierately being obtuse.

DH's surname is his dad's, which means it's DD's grandfather's.
She's never known him, so why would it be better for her to have his surname than my dad's, who is also her grandfather's and who, she has met several times?

granted, he bought her stupid pink frilly dresses, but still....

The point should not be whose father's name it is, but whose NAME it is.
why should DD have the name passed down from her father's side, but not her mother's side?
that makes no sense, logically, only by tradition.
if we were going to do who was the most important in terms of caring for the child, then we shouild choose rthe mother's name - throughout history, the man has deposited his sperm and (usually) carried on working.
mother has borne that child for 9 months, then given birth to it, and fed it and cuddled it.
my own father takes "pride" in the fact he did no childcare at all (except discipline). why should he get the recognition and not my mum?

Can you honestly imagine a situation where's father has absolutely no say in it, other than when he has buggered off...?

Who and where are all these fathers who don't have any input into the naming their own children?

I know 2 cases nurse
One by DB and one my DFriends DP.