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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

452 replies

mackereltin · 23/08/2012 15:42

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

OP posts:
Krumbum · 23/08/2012 19:34

It's the idea that they are MY kids even if I don't act like they are. It gives them the perks of being a dad without hsving to do any parenting.
I asked my friends husband why he was so adamant that his kids had his name and that she took his name. He had no answer.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 19:37

Selfrighteous. It's irrelevant if a womans name comes from her dad, it is her name, it is what she has grown up with and is known as. It's about breaking the cycle. Just because a woman is named after her dad doesn't mean she should carry on with the tradition, the change has to start somewhere.

LostinaPaperCup · 23/08/2012 19:43

I know a few women who say, 'he would have been happy to take mine', but they all took his.

Forgive me for being skeptical.

I have heard of a man taking a woman's name, but I haven't encountered it irl yet.

Obviously having my father's name isn't less patriarchal - that's the point isn't it? We're giving children the father's name all the time! No escape! However, changing your name as an adult to another adult's name because... reasons... is rather different from just being born with a name.

Men don't want to have their identities messed with in this way.

I think the reactions of most men is the telling thing when examining this subject. They are usually horrified by the merest hint of the idea that they might take their wife's name. That would be SO UNMANLY.

5madthings · 23/08/2012 19:46

but the man gets his name from his father as well!

my children have both names, tho as i said earlier i quite like the idea of myself, dp and the childrne changing our surname to 'madthings' then it would be our very own surname, just for us Grin

NurseBernard · 23/08/2012 19:47

Exactly PaperCup.

squoosh · 23/08/2012 19:53

Yup they'd cup their balls and whisper 'chchchchchchange my name?'

monsterchild · 23/08/2012 19:55

I have met a number of couples where the man has taken the woman's surname. It seems to be changing here. Most maried couples don't change names at all, judging on my friends actions. I got a fair amount of Hmm from friends when I decided to take dh's name.

but I know why I did it, and I'm perfectly happy to have done so.

AdoraBell · 23/08/2012 20:17

5madthings

My MIL has done the same with birthday cards etc. Now that we live a Spanish speaking country the DDs think of themselves as Señorita Mum'sname so I'm quite sure they will correct her when needs be.

Also I get called Señora OH'sname at times and he gets Señor Wife'sname, which secretely cracks me up. It's not that he doesn't want to take my name, he's been considering it for 14 years, he's just afraid of what his father will say if he does.

Oh, and when I decided to keep My name as a young teenager, it was about keeping my name rather than my father's.

LostinaPaperCup · 23/08/2012 20:20

Sons are definitely afraid of their fathers when it comes to this. Which makes it rather obvious we're all playing by the rules of Patriarchy. "Father-rule".

My friend is getting married, and is changing her name because her STBH is afraid of his father's reaction if she doesn't.

Despair doesn't quite cover my reaction to this.

5madthings · 23/08/2012 20:22

my dp's dad was dead when we had ds1, it was his mother that kicked up a stink about the name we gave the children!

adora its annoying as hell isnt it, enjoy the moment when your children correct her themselves, its priceless Grin

squoosh · 23/08/2012 20:29

Whatever about taking your husband's name upon marriage because it would mean a lot to him I would not give two shiney shites what my future father in law's opinion was on the matter.

catsrus · 23/08/2012 21:03

My dds do not have their father's name - so when / if they marry and keep their own name they will not be "keeping their father's name anyway".

Cycle broken in one generation, simples Grin

nikcname · 23/08/2012 21:31

Ds had his father's name just because it is 'normal' I was teased over mine so didn't choose it. It rhymes with a lots of things!

ceres · 23/08/2012 21:45

"When you think about it, your maiden name is usually your Dad's surname. So for those who kept their maiden name because they don't think it's right to automatically take a man's surname...you've already done it really."

no i haven't. i had absolutely no control over the name given to me when i was born. regardless of the origin of the name, once given it became mine. i don't have a 'maiden' name, i have my name.

my name is a significant part of my identity. i knew from a young age that i would not change it on marriage, in the same way that i knew i would never marry anyone who would expect me to.

i find it odd that so many women change their name when they marry. but finding it odd doesn't mean that it bothers me - it is down to individual choice, it makes no difference to me what people choose to call themselves.

NovackNGood · 23/08/2012 21:49

Indeed it's odd to marry full stop unless the rules are equal for all.

marfisa · 23/08/2012 21:57

YANBU. Names play an important part in the construction of identity. Like it or not, the idea that the whole family should take the father's surname comes historically from the notion that the father was head of the household.

I married and kept my name; our DC are double-barrelled. People do sometimes say, "But what surname will your DC give THEIR DC?". To which my standard reply is, "No idea. We're counting on our DC to be clever enough to figure that out." Grin

That said, though, the question of what surnames parents give their children worries me a hell of a lot less than whether or not both parents do their fair share of child-rearing. Give me a hands-on dad and never mind the names.

Xayide · 23/08/2012 22:08

I don't think DH cared after I married him what I called myself.

He had a more unusual surname and mine was very common so I decided I wanted to change it and not have arguments or upset with the older relatives in my family. I have some who address me as MRS DHFirst Name surname - which I don't like though I know is traditionally 'correct' - in my case it formidable females.

IL never mentioned anything.

I was surprised how bloody hard it seemed to be - wasn't a simple process for some things lots of back and forward sending married certificates left right and center.

The DC have our surname as its easier - no confusion for anyone.

If I'd taken a different route in my career and published papers - keeping my name would have matter much more and what we did about the DC more complicated.

TBH I care less about this as an issue than other stuff like pay, and training opportunists - as I've personally encountered being discriminated there purely for being female. I moved to a better paid job - rather than put up with it.

This seems minor as every woman I know who wanted to keep her surname has and these days the are fewer but probably still annoying comments from people when they do.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 22:16

I am very thankful that DS took his father's name. DH1 died before he was 30yrs-so really all he left was his DS and how sad if no one knew because there was no link.

timtam23 · 23/08/2012 22:21

I am married but didn't take my DH's name. However the children have his name. We had to choose one or the other and it seemed to make more sense for them to have his name, as he is their main carer and they go almost everywhere with him rather than me during the week.

No way would we double barrel as it would have 17 letters, both names start with the same letter and look/sound fairly similar so it would have been less than practical for the DCs.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 22:27

I don't know how I would have coped with losing DH and having his DC without his name. I will be somewhat upset if a future DIL, who never knew him, rejects his name for his grandson-however I will have to keep quiet. I do think that you need to be a bit sensitive.

nannyl · 23/08/2012 22:36

I chose to give DD OH's surname

one day we will get married and i will have the same name too i hope

KitCat26 · 23/08/2012 22:40

Its my name too.

I took DHs name when we married, because I wanted to. I was very fond of my maiden name which was quite unusual though, but it forever needed spelling and I thought (incorrectly) that DH's name would not need that additional effort.

Noqontrol · 23/08/2012 22:41

I kept my name, dh kept his, dc have both on their birth certs, but in practice just use mine.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 22:43

I wanted us all to have the same name-it makes much more sense being a unit with DH than my brothers.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 22:44

My last name is not as 'pretty' as my dp's and my last name always needs spelling out to people.
But it is my name. So I will be keeping it.
And my children will be part of me so I want them to have my name too.

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