Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

452 replies

mackereltin · 23/08/2012 15:42

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

OP posts:
ovenchips · 23/08/2012 18:40

YABU There's no need for bafflement IMO.

People will divide into two groups about this. Those that feel a surname should be given individualist expression. For them it's a personal/political/cultural issue and they want to make a thinking decision about it. That decision sits right with them.

Others do not think it necessary to make a personal/political/cultural decision about the surname. They are happy to go along with the social convention because ultimately the choice of surname is not a means of expression of their identity. It is simply a name. And that decision sits right with them.

The only reason for bafflement would be towards those who had the views of one of these groups but followed the actions of the other. Which is unlikely.

Margerykemp · 23/08/2012 18:40

I hate threads like this. They make me realise how much work feminism still has to do.
In a few generations women will look back on this custom of ours with the horror that we look at 'obey' in wedding vows and rape in marriage being legal, dowries, married women needing the husband's permission to get the pill, virgins getting married, illegitimate children being removed- this custom really does belong in the last millennium with the rest of these.

5madthings · 23/08/2012 18:41

wowzer if dp and i ever marry (15yrs, 5 children and a mortgage,g etting married wont change much for us!) then i wont take my dp's name. the children have both surnames.

i read a much longer thread about the issue, several pages long, there were quite a few in feminism and some in politics.

its not about equality either necessarily, but there is nothing wrong with questioning tradition.

LineRunner · 23/08/2012 18:41

Crikey cantspel do you keep a spreadsheet of the ardent MN feminists and which ones post what on trivia? That is serious dedication to MN.

StaceeJaxx · 23/08/2012 18:42

When I first got married I struggled with whether to take DH's surname or not. (He wasn't arsed either way TBH). The feminist in me screamed no way, the romantic in me wanted to change it, the logical side of me weighed it up, I hated my surname growing up (proper geeky surname) and DH's was a quite a normal English surname. So I decided to change it, hence the kids have his surname because I do. So TBH when you look at it like that, the kids would probably have whatever surname I have, if I hadn't changed it they would have had my maiden name. DSD has her mum's surname not DH's.

OptimisticPessimist · 23/08/2012 18:43

"I don't understand when people say they are not married and named the child after there surname as they wanted the same surname as there children.

What happens when you get married???

Then your children have a different surname from you anyway."

Maybe they won't get married? Maybe they'll keep their own name? maybe the husband will change his?

ArthurPewty · 23/08/2012 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantspel · 23/08/2012 18:44

Who needs a spreadsheet when all you have to do is look on any thread that mentions pubic hair to find them

5madthings · 23/08/2012 18:45

oh optimistic you are being FAR too optimistic to suggest the man change his name, its far too much of a faff for the poor little men you know Hmm

LineRunner · 23/08/2012 18:47

cantspel What you just memorise them all? Wow.

StuntGirl · 23/08/2012 18:48

Probably much more traffic on AIBU compared to the feminist boards too.

cantspel · 23/08/2012 18:49

i knew a bloke who changed his name on marriage. He hated his surname so was happy to change. Dont know if they have children as i moved away some time ago but i expect if they do they will all have the family name.

StuntGirl · 23/08/2012 18:51

Sorry, thread had way moved on when I posted last!

LostinaPaperCup · 23/08/2012 18:54

Most men refuse uncompromisingly to take their wife's name, and many get angry at the mere suggestion that the children will not take his name either.

But they EXPECT women to change theirs, and say 'it's only a name'.!!!!!

Entitled, selfish, thoughtless.

If it's true that most women/children only take the man's name due to the totally free choice of the woman - then WHY are no men making this free choice too?

When a 'choice' is only being made in one direction, it doesn't look like much of a choice.

LostinaPaperCup · 23/08/2012 18:57

Oh, and whenever I hear couples debating whether or not to go double-barrelled or for her to take his name or for them to keep both their names, I ALWAYS suggest the possibility of him taking her name.

And I am NEVER taken seriously.

Equality eh?

runamile · 23/08/2012 19:02

I don't understand why so many are saying that they took their husband's name because they preferred it to theirs. Too many of us haven't questioned this patriarchal tradition. I was uncomfortable taking on my husband's name when we married but he felt it was important and wanted our children and me to have the same name. Now we are separated, the first thing I did was get rid of his name and revert to my own. I feel like me now! I thought it would feel odd that my children have a different name from myself but it has made no difference whatsoever. I wish I had never taken his name in the first place because it never felt right.

zookeeper · 23/08/2012 19:08

My dcs have their father's name. It is different to mine. We didn't like double barrelled names and so just chose the surname we liked best, which was their father's.

Nowt to do with feminism, in my case at least; just personal choice

cantthinkofadadsname · 23/08/2012 19:09

My DS has my ex's name and my name as a double barrelled one. She wanted her name and I wanted my name. So we compromised. We never married so she has her surname.

At school, DS is known unofficially by my ex's name (because in all honesty the double barrelled name is a bit long). It just makes it easy and I now don't mind if he wants her name officially.

He knows I'm his dad - the surname is not a biggy. But it was when he was born. I've changed since then. I just want DS to be happy.

I do think it's archaic the tradition is the female changes her surname on getting married. All very patriarchal.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 19:15

Lostinacup. You have explained it perfectly!

ClimbingPenguin · 23/08/2012 19:16

I didn't change my name on marriage, DCs have DHs name. I don't think anyone who keeps their name automatically gives the DCs their partners name.

For us, DH didn't like my name as it was from a stepdad who was horrible to us growing up. For DH he was unable to break the association. For me I was in the cadets growing up where you are referred to as your surname and I had got used to it enough to make it feel like my own name. It had my identity to it and not the person's who gave it to me.

For the large part I didn't care strongly either way whereas DH did (and not for a I want them to have name way) and so they have his name.

2blessed · 23/08/2012 19:16

Thank you, thank you OP for this thread!
I love my double barreled surname am now pregnant and have had a number of spirited discussions with dp because I don't believe that our LO should automatically take his surname. nearly all of my friends gave their children the fathers surname because they didn't like their own name or hoped they would get married and would all have the same name.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 19:19

I have friends who have given their kids the dads name when they arnt even with the dad! And the dads are useless, never pay and barely look after the kids. Madness! It shows how little some women think of themselves.
I've seen men get so angry when their entitlement is questioned!

Mama1980 · 23/08/2012 19:23

I gave my ds my surname and with my partners consent this baby (am pregnant) will have mine also. I don't think either should have preference but in my case I want my dc s to all have the same surname.

5madthings · 23/08/2012 19:25

krunbum my friend had that issue, was together with her partner when they had their first, he would NOT get married or let her take his name but INSISTED the child had his name, thne when she got preg with no 2, he buggered off! he still wanted to be at the birth, she said no! she said he could come and register the baby with him so he was on birth certificate but he was really annoyed that the baby got her surname. both children now have a double barrel name, after much angst etc. he has NEVER paid any maintenance and contact has been sporadic, but still he wanted them to have his name!! why he isnt a father in the true sense of the word at all!

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 23/08/2012 19:25

I've only read the first and last pages of this so sorry if it's been said before- why is your surname OK if you're a feminist? Isn't it your Dad's surname not your Mums? Can't see how that is any less patriarchal!

I took my OH's name when I married as it's better than mine (he would've been happy to take mine), we wanted to change BOTH our names as we were a new family but couldn't think of anything sensible Smile