to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

[mackereltin]

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

My DSs have DH surname as its a unisex name, DD has mine as a female name

I'm not 'baffled' per se, maybe people don't realise that there IS a choice involved and you don't have to be so traditional. Maybe they just like tradition.

I was lucky enough to marry my lovely Spaniard and didn't have to change mine - I really wanted to as people CONSTANTLY mispronounce and misspell it... but DH's surname is not great! DS has father's surname+my surname as is traditional here. Although it could be the other way around (mine then DH), it has better flow this way. When he grows up and gets married, his kids will have his first surname+their mother's surname and eventually my surname will be lost

I didn't change my name but the DCs have DH's name. In our case it's because I don't particularly care for my name, it's a bugger to get anyone to spell correctly, there are virtually no first names that flow with it, and our names don't work double-barrelled because one is a noun and one an adjective. And I like DH's last name.

If I'd had my mother's original surname, though, the DCs would have had it as at least part of their surname (we'd probably have wound up double-barrelling, I think). It's also a bit of a bugger to spell, but I like it.

One side-effect of their having DH's last name is that I claimed top vote on middle names, so they all have middle names from my side of the family.

as its*

yes linerunner we must think of the poor men, why should they have to change their names, poor little things!

When you look at it we all have someone elses name.

There are a lot more important issues in this world to worry about than surnames but they never get aired as people are to hung up on the triva.

there is always something more important to worry about cantspell but that doesnt mean we shouldnt talk/discuss the less important things.

and there is nothing wrong with challenging the assumption that a child should always take their fathers name. or that a woman should always take her husbands name. its only done as it seems traditional. there is no logical reason why a child shouldnt have their mothers name or why a man shouldnt take his wifes name.

cantspel

I think you might have wandered onto on the wrong forum! This is AIBU - not normally too many save the world threads - more cats, kids, annoying neighbours etc. But we are 11 pages in, so it's definitely something people want to talk about.

OP I kept my name and tacked OH's on when we got married. DDs have the full double barrelled name. When MIL interfered kindly registered them with a GP prior to our arriving in the UK she used only OH's name, despite knowing what the children's surname is. This was because "the children must have the father's name" odd then that single parent SIL managed to find a boyfriend with the same surname oh no, she used her name.

adora for ages my mil refused to acknowledge taht my 5 have my surname as well, and would address post to them with just dp's surname and when we used to visit her mum in an oap home she would sign all the children in wiht just her/dp's name and i would then cross it out and put their full surname! as the childrne got older they started correcting her themselves and now she writes their full surname on post etc :)

I'm not 'baffled' per se, maybe people don't realise that there IS a choice involved and you don't have to be so traditional.

I love the fact that if you go down the traditional route it is because you are ignorant of choice! I am traditional, I did realise and I chose it. Since I am the mother of DSs I very much hope that their DCs have their name.

I don't mind if they have both-but the poor man does seem to get airbrushed out a lot these days!

I'm a father, our children have 'my' surname.
I'm divorced, my ex has kept 'my' surname.

Which was my dad's surname, which was his step-dad's surname.

So we've all got a dead blokes surname who is no bloody relation to any of us at all. No wonder I have an identity crisis.

Might change it to Crap-bag.

but mn goes round and round in circles with the small things and the larger issues are never given half the chest beating of the bf over ff issue or working mum over sahm.

Over the olympics we had lots of "oh how wondeful and what a step forward" that saudi had 2 female athelets. No one addressed the issue that they were only allowed to attend as the ioc would bar saudi otherwise and when they did let women attend they had to walk behind the male athelets and be escorted by male family members.

Much more fun to yet again to debate the triva

actually catnspell i am pretty sure there was a thread in feminsism discussing the issue of the saudi female athletes, i read it and there were various people who were wondering where they could send protests etc.

I think the British system sucks and should change, although to what I don't know.

We would double barrel because my boyfriends surname is his identity - say his surname is Jones he's known to virtually everyone as Jonesy. Many people don't even know his first name. My name is already double barreled, so I would just drop one of the names and add his to it instead.

well i would say at anyone time probably 80-90% of mnet is 'trivia' so if we didnt talk about it then mnet woudl be very quiet!

My surname atm is my exH surname. We divorced some time ago. Why would I give my and my DPs children his surname? Or my maiden name, which I was a lifetime ago?

They have their Dads surname because one day we will get around to getting married and I will then have the same surname as him.

Sorry if that offends OP. Maybe mt StD will meet with your approval. Her PFB has her surname. She is a girl. Their DS has his Dads surname. People will struggle to believe they are brother and sister but hey ho!!

My son has my surname as his father wasn't involved to begin with, most people either assume I'm married or simply don't question it...although I do catch 99% checking for a wedding ring...

It shouldn't be a given that children take the father's name, but it's also nobody's place to criticize the parents' decision.

exotic why do you hope your grandchildren have your ds's name? would double barrel be ok?

my mil hates the fact my 5 have a double barrel. when they are older they can do as they please and i dont think i will be bothered over the name of my grandchildren as long as my children themselves are happy with the names their children have that is fine by me. as long as they dont give them some god awful first name

I don't understand when people say they are not married and named the child after there surname as they wanted the same surname as there children.

What happens when you get married???

Then your children have a different surname from you anyway. Some traditions are nice, why must be feel like everything has to be changed just to be 'equal'.

Those people might not choose to take their husbands surname either wowzer...

5madthings i saw one thread of 30 posts on what would happen when they returned to saudi. But then just above it is a thread of over 180 posts on the skimpy outfits other athletes wore.

People even who view themselves as ardent feminists still prefer the trivia

cantspel Loads of people addressed that issue.

its not about criticising, its about questioning why it is generally assumed children will take hteir fathers name. as exotic says she CHOSE to do that, she likes traditional, that is fine.

but i know lots of people where i was just automatically assumed the children woudl have their fathers name, no thought went into it, then some years later they split up and the mum was not happy to not have the same name as her children. it was eventually changed by deed poll to double barreled, after much wrangling with the ex.

i dont care what name other people give their children, but it is interesting to see what reasons people chose, if htey prefer one name, or one is easier to spell etc all perfectly valid reasons.

but we are discussing the generally held assumption that a child gets if fathers name, its not meant as a criticism, its just a discussion.