Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 18 19

Original poster

to be baffled why so many parents automatically give their DCs the fathers surname?

452 replies

mackereltin · 23/08/2012 15:42

It baffles me as women have come so far in the last century but the one thing that still seems to be very much the norm is giving the fathers surname to children. It doesn't seem to be questioned very much by society in general but for me it just seems to be one of the biggest symbols of patriachy. Or am I just going on? :)

I'm particularly thinking about married couples as I know lots of unmarried couples double barrell. I'm genuinely interested to hear peoples point of view on this - AIBU?

OP posts:

cantspel · 23/08/2012 17:58

But what a faff when could could just give the child the same name as his father.

Birdsgottafly · 23/08/2012 17:58

The woman doesn't have a surname, she has her Fathers surname, so it's a choice of her DH, who she chose, or her father's name, which has been chosen for her.

It should be individual choice and not questioned.

5madthings · 23/08/2012 17:58

dp and i may get married at some point, but if we do i wont be changing my name, i have had it 33 yrs, its part of me, i like it, another thing that my mil can moan about will be me not taking dp's name as well as giving the children both surnames!

squoosh · 23/08/2012 18:00

Birds The woman does have a surname. She owns it from birth.

5madthings · 23/08/2012 18:01

men are also given their fathers surname! what makes it more their own name, both a mum and a dad are given their surnames generally by their father.

its not that much of a faff to change names, i know several people where the dp's have changed their names. and one where they whole family, mum, dad and two childrne all changed surnames. it was just some form filling and registering. no more faff than getting married or a woman changing her name when she gets married.

Kendodd · 23/08/2012 18:01

Hooray for madthings! It's the future you know! Women having a name of their own just as men have.

Kabooooom · 23/08/2012 18:02

So, what makes the mothers name her "fathers name" but the fathers name his name?

squoosh · 23/08/2012 18:03

Good question!

OptimisticPessimist · 23/08/2012 18:04

Birds, by that logic, the man doesn't have a surname either

I don't understand why people are getting so het up about this, surely all the Op is asking is why is it the default for the children to take the man's name?

My kids have their dad's name, although I wish in hindsight that they didn't. DS1 was given it partly because of tradition (I had yet to discover my feminist leanings ) and partly because we were intending to get married and I would have taken his name (ditto point about feminist leanings). The other two have it because I wanted them all to have the same name.

I wish that they had my name. I wouldn't change it now because they recognise it as theirs, but my name would more truly reflect the family that they belong to than the name they have.

cantspel · 23/08/2012 18:05

Of course it is a faff.
Bank account to be changed
saving accounts/share certificates/mortgage to be changed
bills to be changed
credit cards to be changed
benefits office to be notified (if any claimed)
employer to be notified
doctors, dentists and any other medical to be notified

much easier just to give the child the same name as its dad when its born

squoosh · 23/08/2012 18:06

Not me cantspel. I love a bit of juicy admin!

5madthings · 23/08/2012 18:07

and cantspell ALL those things have to be done if a woman gets married and changes her name!

as i said i know people who have done it and it wasnt that much of a faff at all.

or it would be just as easy to just give the child its MOTHERS name when its born, why should it be the dads name, particularly if they are not married and dont ahve the same surname?

anditwasallyellow · 23/08/2012 18:08

I don' understand it either, and doesn't it come from the days where our fathers owned us until we were married when we were 'sold' to our husbands.

Personally I will never give up my name and I'm going to be really contraversial here and say that I think that the ideal would be for the children to take the mothers name, I mean after all it's usually she that ends up being their full time carer when they split up.

maswera · 23/08/2012 18:09

Just like when a woman gets married and changes her name cantspel....? Heaven forbid a man should have to go through the faff!

cantspel · 23/08/2012 18:10

But the woman has the choice she doesn't have to take the surname.

5madthings · 23/08/2012 18:10

i might see if dp wants us both to change our surnames and the children surnames to madthings, then it will be totally 'our' name that we both chose

catsrus · 23/08/2012 18:11

LOL

I started my own matriarchal line by keeping my name on marriage and we gave the dcs my last name. As they are now all adults this was a very long time ago. I'm with the OP, I still find it totally weird that women still change their name and give dcs their father's second name so automatically. I really thought that by the time my dcs grew up it would be the norm not to and I'm that this is still up for debate really.

5madthings · 23/08/2012 18:11

yes but then she wouldnt have the same name as her children and lots of women want to share a name with their children.

the man also has a choice, he can not have the same name as his children or he can choose to change his name.

why should it always be the woman that has to choose?

TroublesomeEx · 23/08/2012 18:11

Before we were married, the children had my name.

When we married, we all changed our names. I didn't like my name, I liked the sense of re-inventing myself. I didn't have a very happy childhood and it was like drawing a line under the me I was and celebrating the me I was becoming.

DD was 2 so she didn't know any different, DS was 9 and not biologically DH's son so it was a deedpoll and totally his choice.

I liked the sense of unity it gave us, but it's horses for courses isn't it?

I can equally see why someone wouldn't want to change their name.

cantspel · 23/08/2012 18:12

anditwasallyellow not everyone has bad relationships and splits up and many people who do split up still manage to put the children first so they have an equal relationship with each parent.

Flobbadobs · 23/08/2012 18:13

I changed my name when I married DH, there are about 20 different ways to spell my maiden name and his is a very simple, local name. We weren't married when DS was born but we gave him his Dad's name rather than mine as we were engaged at the time. The DD's have his name too, my choice all the way through but I'm quite traditional in a lot of ways.
Plus if my DS had kept my surname our original choice of name would have given him the initial ARS. Not good
I honestly never realised that one simple choice could cause such a debate till I came on MN.

Kabooooom · 23/08/2012 18:13

I gave my children their fathers name, but even I am laughing at some of the stuff being said here

Still don't understand why a man has his own name but yet the mother has her fathers

And also, it isn't a faff at all to change names. Doctors /dentists etc change without the need of proof so it can just be mentioned when you are next in there. Banks/passport etc all you would need to do was hand over proof/send copies off when you come around to either paying a cheque in or renewing a passport etc. It isn't all that hard, and takes a few extra minutes.

Triffiddealer · 23/08/2012 18:13

Dear God - an awful lot of touchy people about tonight. I love that it makes you a 'Feminazi' to even ask why it's still nearly always the man's name that's taken on marriage and given to the kids (a woman questioning things, where will it all end?)

It's not the end of the world, but I really felt I was giving up a part of my identity losing my maiden name and it made me sad (gave in to pressure from STBXH backed up by my Mum).

5madthings · 23/08/2012 18:14

they can stay together or split up and parent equally but they may still want to have the same name as their child.

the assumption IS that a child has their fathers name, but why should they, if the man really wants the same name he can change his name if he wants, rather than the assumption that the woman will maybe marry the father and take on his name.

infact why do women take on their husbands names, why dont men take on their wives names?

LineRunner · 23/08/2012 18:15

But it's a faff for a man to do it. Dear Lord, where will feminism end?

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 ··· 18 19