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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious with MIL over this?

122 replies

MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 07:29

Lots of history, although will try to keep it brief. Relations with ILs are somewhat strained, entirely due to the fact that we have had problems with SIL and have had to cut her out of our lives. I won?t go into details, suffice to say that we have very good reason for doing so.

Anyway, SIL has recently had a baby. Out of the blue, MIL announced that she was coming to visit us. She was very, very quiet to begin with, but as soon as she got DH on his own, she confronted him saying how disappointed she and SIL were that we had not acknowledged the new baby. DH let rip (not like him at all!) and made it very clear that we will have nothing to do with SIL due to her behaviour in the past and her absolute refusal to apologise or change her ways. He explained that unfortunately, this means that we will not have a relationship with the baby either. This has been long overdue and I am proud of him for finally standing up to MIL over this issue. I should add that we have always said that we are willing to forgive and forget, as long as SIL acknowledges her behaviour and apologises and promises to change.

MIL seemed to accept this, but then I caught her talking to our DS about the new baby, banging on about how she is his family and they are cousins and showing him photos, etc. Then it seemed that every time mine and DH?s backs were turned, she was talking to DS about the new baby.

MIL?s parting shot was to give DS a photo album full of photos of SIL?s baby and telling him to take some out and put them in frames in his bedroom.

Since then, all DS can talk about is the new baby and when he will see her. I tried to explain as sensitively as I could that it was unlikely that we will see her as we don?t talk to SIL anymore because of her bad behaviour. Cue lots of tears and ?why can?t I see her? She?s my cousin, you are trying to split my family up!?. He is currently upstairs hysterical and clutching the photo album.

I just don?t know what to do, but I am furious with MIL. We were going to deal with this issue in our own good time. How dare she interfere like this.

I am so angry, but AIBU? And what can I do? Thanks.

OP posts:

TotallyEggFlipped · 22/08/2012 07:32

Could you arrange for DS to spend the day with MIL to meet his cousin without you?

Original poster

MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 07:34

No, we live thousands of miles apart.

OP posts:

moogster1a · 22/08/2012 07:35

It is his cousin. Why can't he go with his MIL to visit.
yabu as he really wants to see the new member of his family. Your fallings out are surely nothing to do with your ds and a newborn? poor ds

Diddydollydo · 22/08/2012 07:35

Agree with the above poster, would this be possible?

I understand that you do not wish a relationship with your SIL but it should not mean that your son should not have a relationship with his cousin. However, I do think that your MIL handled this appallingly and should not be interfering.

moogster1a · 22/08/2012 07:36

Well, it'a all a bit irrelevant then, isn't it. Say yes, when we can we'll visit but we're thousands of miles away, then just receive the email photos etc. with grace and let ds look at them. Even less of a problem.

chickydoo · 22/08/2012 07:36

Sounds a nightmare! Your mll is behaving very badly, your poor DS! How cruel of her to upset him so much.
Maybe you can take the "let's see what happens in the future "route after all it's not the baby's fault or your son's.
What happened with your Sil?

Original poster

MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 07:37

No, we all live thousands of miles apart from each other.

OP posts:

Diddydollydo · 22/08/2012 07:37

Ah I see you live thousands of miles apart. Not much can be done then if bridges can't be built.

sugarice · 22/08/2012 07:38

How old is your ds?

Original poster

MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 07:38

He's 6, sugarice.

OP posts:

OnlyWantsOne · 22/08/2012 07:39

Well OP I dont think YABU it's up to YOU and you're DH to decide who your child has a relationship with. It's completely unfair that your MIL has emotionally blackmailed the poor child and maniPulated the situation - causing your son alarm and distress. I would tell your MIL that.

If your SIL has obviously done some thing so crap that her own brother doesn't want to see her and her baby - why would you want to send your son (with interfering MIL) to spend time with her?!

YANBU

TotallyEggFlipped · 22/08/2012 07:39

It's very manipulative for your MIL to use your DS like this.

GnomeDePlume · 22/08/2012 07:40

How old is your DS?

It sounds like he was repeating words and thoughts planted by MiL. Quite possibly once the initial emotion has passed he will calm down.

I think your DH should be having firm words with his DM telling her that she has no right to upset your son whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation. I would be warning her that I wouldnt want my son to have contact with someone who deliberately upset him.

If she comes back with a load of blah about family then I would just repeat that your son's happiness is more important.

KenLeeeeeee · 22/08/2012 07:40

Your MIL has behaved appallingly by emotionally blackmailing you via your son. You have every right to be furious about that.. BUT a fall out between you & your SIL is nothing to do with the children, and it's not fair to project it onto them and prevent them from forming a relationship. Keep the animosity between the adults separate from the children.

GnomeDePlume · 22/08/2012 07:42

sorry, X-posted re your DS age

YANBU

HissyByName · 22/08/2012 07:46

Yanbu, had to cut my sister, and her entire family out of my life. Nobody does that for no reason.

Original poster

MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 07:47

Thanks for your replies. Obviously in the future, I imagine the DC will see each other. But for now, given their ages and distances, that is not possible without seeing SIL. And we are just not prepared to risk having any contact with her. Our marriage is too important.

The problem is that we are meant to be spending Christmas with the ILs. I just don't want to go now after this. They don't respect DH and I and completely undermine us all the time. Unfortunately for us, SIL is the favourite child and can do no wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 07:48

Sorry that you have also been through a similar thing, HissyByName.

OP posts:

ratspeaker · 22/08/2012 07:49

I'm not sure what age your DS is but rather than trying to get him to understand the family falling out I'd explain the baby lives such a long way away.

Has he ever met any babies?
he may have the idea in his head that this new family member can talk and play with him like the rest of the family.

sugarice · 22/08/2012 07:49

What a nasty way to treat you all by talking to your ds this way. Only you and dh can decide what your reaction to MiL should be but I certainly would be telling her how absolutely out of order she has been. I wouldn't back down if the relationship with your SiL is still so tense and hopefully at 6 your ds will begin to forget about what Granny has said. Good job you're far away. YANBU.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/08/2012 07:51

If my MIL did tried to emotionally blackmail me, via my children, she would be told in no uncertain terms that she will lose her own contact with them, if she ever does it again! She has completely undermined you and that is totally unacceptable.

It is entirely up to you who your child has a relationship with. I disagree with this idea that the cousins have a right to know each other - you can't achieve that without having contact with SIL or having her involved in some way in your child's life. You can't trust MIL to facilitate meetings between the dc, without SIL present - she has already proven herself to be untrustworthy.

What has your dh said about this? If she was my mil, I'd be having serious words.

EugenesAxe · 22/08/2012 07:51

How old is your DS out of interest? MIL has to my mind used a form of emotional blackmail, so given that YANBU in my opinion.

MILs can get a bit weird though about getting all their GCs together like a little pack; I feel a bit sorry for her too.

I would talk straight to your DS and say you have stopped contacting SIL to protect him and you and that you did not want to cause a split in the family. Perhaps try to get him to empathise with how MIL is feeling and why she might have said those things to get her way, but explain how your feelings are as important and that he should respect your decisions. If he is old enough, tell him about SILs behaviour and how it could have hurt your family.

It's much harder to do this as MIL's feelings need to be considered far more, but I would say slow or stop MILs visits until your DH and her have been able to talk and thrash out their differences on this and explain why using these underhand tactics is totally unacceptable. I guess you are separated by seas, which must make it easier.

EugenesAxe · 22/08/2012 07:52

x-post with karma [sigh]

fedupofnamechanging · 22/08/2012 07:52

Oh and cancel spending Christmas there - and tell her why. She ought to know that you cannot just trample on other people's parenting choices and have no consequences to that.

ratspeaker · 22/08/2012 07:52

oo xposting
I'd seriously re think the Xmas visit
It sounds as if you and your DH would be miserable

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