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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with MIL over this?

122 replies

MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 07:29

Lots of history, although will try to keep it brief. Relations with ILs are somewhat strained, entirely due to the fact that we have had problems with SIL and have had to cut her out of our lives. I won?t go into details, suffice to say that we have very good reason for doing so.

Anyway, SIL has recently had a baby. Out of the blue, MIL announced that she was coming to visit us. She was very, very quiet to begin with, but as soon as she got DH on his own, she confronted him saying how disappointed she and SIL were that we had not acknowledged the new baby. DH let rip (not like him at all!) and made it very clear that we will have nothing to do with SIL due to her behaviour in the past and her absolute refusal to apologise or change her ways. He explained that unfortunately, this means that we will not have a relationship with the baby either. This has been long overdue and I am proud of him for finally standing up to MIL over this issue. I should add that we have always said that we are willing to forgive and forget, as long as SIL acknowledges her behaviour and apologises and promises to change.

MIL seemed to accept this, but then I caught her talking to our DS about the new baby, banging on about how she is his family and they are cousins and showing him photos, etc. Then it seemed that every time mine and DH?s backs were turned, she was talking to DS about the new baby.

MIL?s parting shot was to give DS a photo album full of photos of SIL?s baby and telling him to take some out and put them in frames in his bedroom.

Since then, all DS can talk about is the new baby and when he will see her. I tried to explain as sensitively as I could that it was unlikely that we will see her as we don?t talk to SIL anymore because of her bad behaviour. Cue lots of tears and ?why can?t I see her? She?s my cousin, you are trying to split my family up!?. He is currently upstairs hysterical and clutching the photo album.

I just don?t know what to do, but I am furious with MIL. We were going to deal with this issue in our own good time. How dare she interfere like this.

I am so angry, but AIBU? And what can I do? Thanks.

OP posts:
RubyVaultingGates · 22/08/2012 07:53

I think I'd have just gone with, "I'm sorry DS, we live too far away to go and see the new baby now, maybe we will one day." He will eventually lose interest once MIL is gone.

It wasn't fair of your MIL to use your DS this way, and I'd be hopping mad too, but this is time for a geography lesson not a futile exercise in family politics that will upset your DS even more.

Use a globe, say "we live here, new baby lives here, that's a very, very long way, but YOU can make a "welcome baby" card."

DS can then do something constructive, it can then be "lost in the post".

ratspeaker · 22/08/2012 07:54

Does MIL live near SIL? or has MIL been sent the pictures?

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 07:55

ratspeaker, we all live thousands of miles from each other.

OP posts:
ThisIsNotHoneyDragon · 22/08/2012 07:56

I don't know what the issue with sil is, but if it is serious, and your MIL is that manipulative I wouldn't let my child go off alone to meet them.

Ds has family members he will never meet and knows why as we have been honest from the start.

ILiveInAPineapple · 22/08/2012 07:57

YANBU OP, clearly if your DS was to see his cousin, he would also have to see your sil and that it what you don't want.
Your mil has behaved appallingly, it is not acceptable to use children to get your own way in any situation and that is exactly what she has done.
I appreciate that it must hurt her to see her two children falling out, but she needs to be reminded that they are adults and that there are good reasons for the fall out, which is between your DH and his sister. I would also be pointing out how much hurt and upset SHE caused your DS, and stating categorically that this is not acceptable. Really, your DH needs to have this conversation with his mum, because I guarantee if you do, that you will be painted as the "baddy".

Good luck op, I really feel sorry for you, your mil needs to get a grip.

ILiveInAPineapple · 22/08/2012 08:01

No way would I be spending Christmas with mil, I would tell her it is as a direct result of this incident and that you felt undermined, and also you worry about what else she might say to DS, so she needs to work at rebuilding your trust in her, otherwise as the other poster says, if she does anything similar again she will lose contact with your family.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2012 08:04

Why couldn't you just say to DS that as you live so far away it's impossible to see the baby?

I don't see why it had to be so complicated.

And then your DH could have had a conversation with his mother about the inappropriateness of her talking to DS about the baby.

I take it she's your husband's sister?

pumpkinsweetie · 22/08/2012 08:05

Your mil has used emotional blackmail to force the situation, possibly to force a situation inwhich you may have to see sil again and to get all her gcs together. What she is doing is completley wrong, she's made your son upset in the process!

When you cut ties, you cut ties she has to see that. There are normally very good reasons in situations like this, as to why people are estranged. This is a small baby, which tbh is going to be small and not very interactive with your 6yo so yanbu.

Your mil will end up losing your dcs if she carries on interfering!
I have a toxic mil, we are now estranged, my sil is also heading that way as she is interfering so i know exactly what this is like

MrMiyagi · 22/08/2012 08:12

Op, you would only be unreasonable if you gave your MIL zero consequences for deliberately leaving your son hysterical for her own selfish purposes. Otherwise yanbu at all.

ratspeaker · 22/08/2012 08:14

Right got it.
Your MIL and SIL live thousands of miles away. MIL has come to visit you.
So its not even possible for MIL to take your DS to visit the baby
I'd expalin the distance to your son, he doesnt see Granny all the time as shes so far away and babies cant get on a plane on their own etc etc

So if you visit at Xmas this is going to be a big issue again, I'd reckon your MIL will engineer an encounter with SIL

It sounds like MIL has really put the emotional pressure on your DS. I cant remember being excited, upset or bothered at all about my cousins who lived thousands of miles away, I mean I knew they existed but it didn't affect my day to day life in any way. I now occasionally email one but never even met him until in my 40s

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 08:14

Nanny0gg, we will be going to SIL's country in the next few months, and I just know that DS is going to ask to see the baby.

Incidentally, DH thinks this is all his fault. Even though he made it very clear that we have cut all ties with SIL, the MIL asked if she could leave some pictures of the baby. DH said yes, intending to just stick them in a drawer. He is now blaming himself.

OP posts:
chickenwingsmmmm · 22/08/2012 08:29

Ok, I would get dh to call/ email mil telling her the effect she has had on ds and that blackmail is unacceptable. That until sil apologises you will not discuss it with mil and expect that she doesn't discuss the baby with ds.
Tbh by Christmas ds will be over it. Personally if my mil did this again I would consider heavily reducing contact.
I have no contact with a family member, mum has tried to convince me to get in contact. Even though this person has said they don't see the need to apologise and that I 'should just know they are sorry' so I really feel for you.
However, my mum would never use my kids to try and reinstate contact. Its unacceptable.
Tell your dh that accepting photos is completely different to what she did. Its not his fault, its not even sold fault.
This situation is mils fault.

mysteriouslady · 22/08/2012 08:33

I think you are all out of line, MIL, and you and DH, and obviously I guess SIL.

Can MIL have the baby for a bit when you go for Christmas.

Punishing an innocent baby for the sins of its parents isnt on really.

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 08:34

In what way are DH and I out of line, mysteriouslady ? Not challenging you, just genuinely interested. Thanks.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 22/08/2012 08:41

I wouldn't spend Christmas with someone who would emotionally manipulate my child. Just think how much time she'll have to do that then! I would tell her (as a couple - your DH should do it) that I would be keeping my distance until she had regained your trust.

Saying you can leave some photos is not the same as 'make my child feel terrible that he's not going to meet his cousin'. Your DH is not to blame.

'you are trying to split my family up' sounds an odd thing for a child to come out with on their own (and it's already split).

mysteriouslady · 22/08/2012 08:45

I just think that if there is a chance to see the baby with MIL, without SIL, then to punish/cut out a newborn, because of the sins of its parents is wrong.

Re MIL, I know she has over stepped, but my guess is she is just devastated, my mother would be absolutely heart broken if I fell out with my sister to that extent, she is handling things very badly yes, but I can see why.

I am guessing (correct me if I am wrong), that if they live thousands of miles away, there are cultural pressures to bear on extended family ties as well.

TandB · 22/08/2012 08:46

The baby isn't being punished. It simply isn't having a relationship with some people who live thousands of miles away and don't get on with its parents.

If the baby had grown up and been close to its aunt and uncle, then there might be some merit in that argument, but it will quite possibly never, ever meet them and therefore never miss them.

I think a child has the right to know its immediate family - parents and any siblings or half siblings. Any other extended family only need to be in a child's life if they have positive relationships. Plenty of people have cousins they never meet, or grandparents they don't see. It's nice when an extended family do get on well, but there is no point trying to artificially construct a relationship when there is bad feeling.

I have an uncle I did not meet until I was in my 30s and two cousins who I didn't know existed until that time. I have still not met one of them and have only met one of their children. I also have an aunt who died before I could meet her.

I don't feel punished for this. I feel that my father (whose fault the estrangement was) was wrong in the actions that led to this situation, but I didn't wallow in misery, feeling something was missing in my life.

Your MIL was bang out of order. This is not her decision to make and she needs to be told that in no uncertain terms.

Original poster
MarchelineWhatNot · 22/08/2012 08:47

You are right ChasedByBees. It's so hard, though. FIL is very ill, he is in remission from cancer. According to MIL he keeps breaking down and saying things like "what has happened to my family?"

In spite of this, they refuse to believe that SIL has done anything wrong. They think we should put up with her spitefulness and name-calling and doing things like trying to lure DH away on holiday without me. Honestly, she behaves like the scorned wife and I am treated like the OW! This has been going on for 10 years. She has done a few things that are so despicable (have talked about them on here) but refuses to apologise because she is "not sorry". The IL's view is "why should she apologise if she is not sorry?". SIL is very much the favourite and can do no wrong in their eyes.

It's all so bloody hard Sad

OP posts:
ThisIsNotHoneyDragon · 22/08/2012 08:51

I have seen my grandmother twice in my entire life time. I have 9 cousins I have never met. It is not an issue. I have not suffered for the terrible sins of my mother Hmm

diaimchlo · 22/08/2012 10:11

MarchelineWhatNot ... You definitely are not being unreasonable, looking at this from the MIL's prospective (which i am) she should have not approached your son without your permission.

Also it is very wrong of her to take sides in any family argument, she should be willing to advocate both siblings through to an amicable conclusion, if that cannot be achieved then remain on neutral terms with both parties, but in your case she has done the complete opposite, which in turn has made the situation more stressful for you.
I think both you and your DH should approach the MIL and tell her that her behavior in this matter has been totally inappropriate and hopefully disscuss ways of working through the issues.
I hope things work out for the best for you all:)

mysteriouslady · 22/08/2012 10:32

families are hard work.

sugarice · 22/08/2012 10:41

Marcheline I think you are entirely within your rights to defend your own family from MiL's interference and I would be loathe to spend Christmas with them as Christmas is an emotive time anyway and I can see more pressure being heaped on your dh and ds to do as MiL wants. Stick to your guns regarding SiL..

helenthemadex · 22/08/2012 10:50

I would tell mil in no uncertain terms that the way she has behaved was completely unacceptable, tell her just how upset your ds is. I would also say that you are now rethinking your plans for Christmas in light of her manipulation and bullying, because that is what she is trying to do.

I think with your ds that at 6 he will quickly forget, as others have suggested tell him its not possible because of the distance and maybe tell him the truth in a way he can understand such as sil did a very bad thing to you and that you are not friends and she needs to say sorry to you.

MIL has obviously done a very good job on manipulating him, and I would be very concerned that she would do this again.

thank god for the distance!

nickelcognito · 22/08/2012 10:52

i would be tempted to get your DH to tell his mum that if she does anything like that again to your DS, then he will cut ties with her too.

He does need to tell her that she was bang out of order, and she should be made to apologise to your DS.

nickelcognito · 22/08/2012 10:53

oh, i do agree that your SIL shouldn't apologise if she's not sorry, but from the other side - she shouldn't give a half-arsed apology, but she must also accept that that means she faces the consequences - ie being cut out of your lives.