to be furious with MIL over this?

[MarchelineWhatNot]

Lots of history, although will try to keep it brief. Relations with ILs are somewhat strained, entirely due to the fact that we have had problems with SIL and have had to cut her out of our lives. I won?t go into details, suffice to say that we have very good reason for doing so.

Anyway, SIL has recently had a baby. Out of the blue, MIL announced that she was coming to visit us. She was very, very quiet to begin with, but as soon as she got DH on his own, she confronted him saying how disappointed she and SIL were that we had not acknowledged the new baby. DH let rip (not like him at all!) and made it very clear that we will have nothing to do with SIL due to her behaviour in the past and her absolute refusal to apologise or change her ways. He explained that unfortunately, this means that we will not have a relationship with the baby either. This has been long overdue and I am proud of him for finally standing up to MIL over this issue. I should add that we have always said that we are willing to forgive and forget, as long as SIL acknowledges her behaviour and apologises and promises to change.

MIL seemed to accept this, but then I caught her talking to our DS about the new baby, banging on about how she is his family and they are cousins and showing him photos, etc. Then it seemed that every time mine and DH?s backs were turned, she was talking to DS about the new baby.

MIL?s parting shot was to give DS a photo album full of photos of SIL?s baby and telling him to take some out and put them in frames in his bedroom.

Since then, all DS can talk about is the new baby and when he will see her. I tried to explain as sensitively as I could that it was unlikely that we will see her as we don?t talk to SIL anymore because of her bad behaviour. Cue lots of tears and ?why can?t I see her? She?s my cousin, you are trying to split my family up!?. He is currently upstairs hysterical and clutching the photo album.

I just don?t know what to do, but I am furious with MIL. We were going to deal with this issue in our own good time. How dare she interfere like this.

I am so angry, but AIBU? And what can I do? Thanks.

How the hell are they supposed to have a relationship with a newborn who lives THAT far away without being involved with the toxic SIL?

I think some people are totally delusional when it comes to toxic families. It's never broken my heart (in fact..This is the first time I've really thought about it) that I've never met any of my paternal cousins (I think anyway) or even most of my paternal aunts/uncles.

It's not some greek tragedy. It's the adults who care. Not the children. If her son never knows his aunt, he's not going to be crying into his pillow as a teenager about not knowing his cousin FFS.

*I think some people are totally delusional when it comes to toxic families. They get very judgemental and extremely unrealistic.

I have 22 cousins who I have never met. They lived too far away, so my parents never got round to visit when I was little, and afterwards I was no longer interested. I never think about it or feel any sense of loss. This baby will not suffer just because he has a cousin he doesn't know. The important thing is that he has people around him who love him.

Ok just read the whole post. You seem like a drama queen. You're fighting with your dh over his sister that lives thousands if miles away? You don't know how youre going to put up with a lifetime of this...of what exactly?

I think the fact you've brainwashed your husband into thinking that he should cut off cOntact with his niece is disgusting. He DOESN'T feel the same way about this as you or else he wouldn't have had any trouble emailing his mother.

Children are innocents and mil has every right to talk about your ds's cousin with him because you shouldn't be cutting out a CHILD for its mothers actions.

Maybe I'm tired, lack of sleep but I bet you're not so butter wouldn't melt in my mouth either.

Yes, nephews and nieces (for example) are innocent in situations like this, but how can anyone have a relationship with any child without communicating with that child's parent(s). I have a similar-ish situation within my own family and sure, I regret and feel sad about the lost potential relationships between myself, my own immediate family and the children of the person I am estranged from, what "might have been" in an ideal world and so on, but I couldn't have forged those relationships without communicating with someone extremely toxic, which wouldn't have been healthy emotionally. Sad to say ..... even if I had tried such a thing, there was a very real possibility that my children - via contact with toxic relative - may also have been manipulated etc and I wasn't prepared to take the risk of exposing them to someone like that - even if, ostensibly, the relationship was between them and toxic's children.

Why oh why do some people fail to understand that stuff like this is very rarely black and white and a whole raft of things have to be taken into consideration ?

I think the MIL here has behaved appallingly BTW. Definitely extremely manipulative and I find it hard to believe she wouldn't have been aware of the potential upset for OP's son once she'd started stirring. Strikes me that she'd rather score points TBH by making OP feel "guilty" once she saw her son was upset. Malicious ? ..... yes, I think it was. To use a child's understandable curiosity about a cousin he'd never met to make OP and her DH do something she felt they ought to do - and sod the effect on the child. Am very sorry your DH can't/won't speak to her and let her know how nasty her behaviour was ...... especially in light of the fact she won't be coming to see your new baby any time soon. A tad hypocritical really when you're getting criticised for not seeing/acknowledging a child whose mother's past behaviour has made it impossible for you to have a relationship with her (and therefore her child). So what's MIL's excuse ?!? Could it be the "lack of annual leave" is some sort of payback for you both refusing to forgive SIL while she remains unrepentant for what she did ?

Not being rude, but I can't see this is an issue at all because you live thousands of miles from each other! I SIL & nephew & niece emigrated last year and we will probably never see them again. J
They are simply not in our lives! And there was no falling out.

Bloody hell Namechange ..... no-one has any "right" to speak to a child about anything which is almost certainly going to upset them and cause friction. The MIL in this case - unless she's completely thick - would have known that the child was almost certainly going to be curious, and subsequently upset by his parent's seemingly (to him) refusal to involve him with that side of his family. As his parents, they have every right to choose who, or who not, to expose their child to. He cannot meet his baby cousin because this would mean involvement with a (by the sounds of it) a very toxic aunt. The MIL completely undermined them and have placed them in an almost impossible position as it's near impossible to explain complicated family dynamics to a very young child.

OP - I'm glad you're not going there for Christmas. Your MIL has nailed her colours firmly to your SIL's mast, I expect your DH can see this now. He probably doesn't want to acknowledge it because it's never nice to realise how little your own parent thinks of you - but you have the relief of knowing that she won't be dripfeeding more crap into your DS's ear while you're busy with the new baby.

Your DH sounds a bit wet but I don't think you really want to divorce him, I think that's probably just hormonal overdrive at the moment - for now, be grateful that the rest of this year is apparently sorted and MIL-free - and worry about the rest next year when she gets her next allotment of AL.

Good luck with the birth! (I'm only about 1 week behind you - getting pretty tired and hormonal myself now)

think its unreasonable to try and dictate what mil can say to grandchildren-ur the parents surely u can explain to him . dont know what sil did but you live so far away anyway that you'd have little contact anyway so tbh think your over reacting and possibly trying to stop.ur dh having relationship with his family.
good luck with ur prefnancy

Name change, you're talking cobblers, I'm afraid.

Why all the 'OP is trying to stop relationship with SIL?'

Even if you only read the OP, she clearly stated he didn't either and HE told his mother.

Why haven't you told her that showing pictures of the baby etc is not acceptable? I would rethink your Xmas trip as don't you just know her home will be filled with photos of the baby ans she will be pointing them out at every opportunity?

You are NOT at fault here. She could have helped this situation by having a stern word with her daughter and seeing that what she did is wrong. If she won't then it is not your problem.

You need to tell her that if she does tahat again you cannot see her. She is wrong and out it is disgusting she is trying to manipulate a little boy! And you must keep your boy away from your toxic SIL.

Don't feel bad. you didn't cause this, your nasty SIL did. It is a shame she is so spoilt by everyone else that noone else tells her that her behaviour is awful.

YANBU i can't imagine my mum doing anything to upset my son, whatever her motives. yes she's upset that the family aren't on good terms,but who's fault is that? 'if she's not sorry she shouldn't apologise' basically means she could do all of the 'despicable' things again. explain to ur MIL (get dh to!) how upset ds was, and that to undermine you in this way will not be tolerated, as for xmas, you need to be sure she isn't going to drag it all up again,as ds will have forgotten about it by then. if you can't be sure she will keep her gob shut about it, don't go!

they said they'd rather have the money than u come for christmas??!! wankers! but.... result!! you and DH will be ok, don't ring the solicitor just yet! his mum is a twunt, leave it to him, and concentrate on keeping yourself and your family together, good luck in your pg xx

They think we should put up with her spitefulness and name-calling and doing things like trying to lure DH away on holiday without me.

I don't know the back story here - obviously being spiteful and name-calling is wrong but I can't see that your DH going on holiday with his sister but without you is heinous. My DH goes to the Lakes with his sister for a week or so every year and I duck out. Gives him time with his sister.

And when I thought of that, it seemed increasingly as though the problem was two-fold. It seemed as though you're the one with a problem as well. Your MIL asked your DH's permission to leave the baby photos and he agreed.

I think you should relax and let this go. I really do. I don't think you should email your MIL. You can't and shouldn't attempt to cut your DH from his family of origin.

Relations with ILs are somewhat strained, entirely due to the fact that we have had problems with SIL and have had to cut her out of our lives. I won?t go into details, suffice to say that we have very good reason for doing so.

DH let rip (not like him at all!) and made it very clear that we will have nothing to do with SIL due to her behaviour in the past and her absolute refusal to apologise or change her ways. He explained that unfortunately, this means that we will not have a relationship with the baby either.

Just from opening post. Why the assumption OP is the issue? She hasn't even explained the history, just one example.

YANBU.

I am amazed there are people on here who think otherwise!

I am doubly amazed that there are people on here who think a baby and a child can, And should, have a relationship with each other over a long distance and without involving the parents

Your Pils obviously don't think the sil did anything wrong. So, You are doing what is right for your family and you need to get mil to understand this otherwise she'll do this again, and again, and again....

the MIL asked if she could leave some pictures of the baby. DH said yes

Also her DH does not want to have this confrontation as clearly signalled by his reluctance to engage in this battle and previous ones too.

It just seems like such a non-issue to me. Such a nothing to make a big deal. But fine, make a scene, drive more wedges between DH and his family of origin.

Did you miss the part where he was plannng to stick them in a drawer and forget about them?

OP didn't do anything of wrong.

MIL shouldn't be trying to drive a wedge between DS and his parents. They're his family of origin.

I feels sorry for your MIL who is caught in the middle . I would not invite someone to my house if I were not allowed to talk about all of my grandchildren.

There are no "normal" families btw.

Sorry but everything you've written suggests to me that you are the manipulator who has caused strife in the family. Perhaps because your SIL calls you out on trying control your husband's relations with his family?

YEs completely agree - Op comes across as very manipulative.

Coconuts, there are loads of people who think that family members should just simply accept dreadful behaviour from other family members because it's faaaaaaaahmily, innit?

And of course if someone new marries into the family, recognises this previously accepted foul behaviour for what it is, then they of course are instantly the baddie for refusing to accept it.

It's ridiculous to claim the op's ds is "missing out" or being deprived of a relationship with his cousin. Perhaps the badly behaved mil and sil should have thought of that themselves instead of thinking its ok to upset people left right a d centre.

Manipulative

You can tell that just from these posts...really!!!

Blimey, how insightful some of you are!

Does your MIL have any redeeming features? The only reason I ask is because you might have to focus on those and gloss over the troublesome side of her. His reluctance to talk to her about this suggests his opinions on her behaviour are not as strong as yours on his own family. He sounds unconvinced and he is in a tricky position of being stuck in the middle. He of course does not want to loose you and his children and so he will say just about enough in agreement with you to keep you on side? I am speaking from personal experience and I wouldn't bother making him choose. It is easier to cut out your sister but you're asking him to be confrontational with his mum which in his mind may lead down the same route. Most importantly it is a waste of your energy in getting angry about it all.

I didn't speak to my MIL for 6 months from when my first born was 3 months old. She is a very difficult character and is shockingly blunt, something I was unused to growing up in a family that suppressed most of their feelings (very dysfunctional in a different way). For example, my MIL would always say my DS had a very big head. She would always say it, it was meant as an insult. One day she took this further by saying, 'it was big but he didn't have hydrosephalus (swelling on the brain)!' she would say things like this all the time. In a jokey way she once said to my 2 month old to be quiet and stop being a spoilt bastard as 'Grand Designs' was on the TV and that my DP and MIL wanted quiet when this was on as they both enjoy Architectural programmes as DP is an Architect! When we told her I was pregnant she asked us if we had heard of contraception. The point is she was not/is not the easiest person to have a relationship with. It would really get me down and I really wanted DP to feel instinctively that his mother was in the wrong about a lot of this stuff and to pipe up and tell her so. He is no shrinking violet and will be very expressive about some things with her, he says she is very selfish but he just excepts she's never going to change in that respect. She has redeeming features- loyalty, a good sense of humour so eventually I just thought Fuck it, i'm not going to waste any more energy disliking this person as the only person suffering in that respect was me!