to be furious with MIL over this?

[MarchelineWhatNot]

Lots of history, although will try to keep it brief. Relations with ILs are somewhat strained, entirely due to the fact that we have had problems with SIL and have had to cut her out of our lives. I won?t go into details, suffice to say that we have very good reason for doing so.

Anyway, SIL has recently had a baby. Out of the blue, MIL announced that she was coming to visit us. She was very, very quiet to begin with, but as soon as she got DH on his own, she confronted him saying how disappointed she and SIL were that we had not acknowledged the new baby. DH let rip (not like him at all!) and made it very clear that we will have nothing to do with SIL due to her behaviour in the past and her absolute refusal to apologise or change her ways. He explained that unfortunately, this means that we will not have a relationship with the baby either. This has been long overdue and I am proud of him for finally standing up to MIL over this issue. I should add that we have always said that we are willing to forgive and forget, as long as SIL acknowledges her behaviour and apologises and promises to change.

MIL seemed to accept this, but then I caught her talking to our DS about the new baby, banging on about how she is his family and they are cousins and showing him photos, etc. Then it seemed that every time mine and DH?s backs were turned, she was talking to DS about the new baby.

MIL?s parting shot was to give DS a photo album full of photos of SIL?s baby and telling him to take some out and put them in frames in his bedroom.

Since then, all DS can talk about is the new baby and when he will see her. I tried to explain as sensitively as I could that it was unlikely that we will see her as we don?t talk to SIL anymore because of her bad behaviour. Cue lots of tears and ?why can?t I see her? She?s my cousin, you are trying to split my family up!?. He is currently upstairs hysterical and clutching the photo album.

I just don?t know what to do, but I am furious with MIL. We were going to deal with this issue in our own good time. How dare she interfere like this.

I am so angry, but AIBU? And what can I do? Thanks.

Yes she does sound manipulative. Why did her dh swear at her? You wouldn't get angry and swear at someone for no reason, unless you have anger problems or are an abusive twat. He doesn't sound like either. It sounds like he was pushed to that level of anger.

Then op spends the night on the sofa. Why? Because if he doesn't do as he says she will have a strop and keep away from him at night thinking about divorce because he didn't send a fuxking email.

I admit, the sil may be at fault, but so is the OP.

Or unless you are scared about confronting your mother about her appalling behaviour so you take it out on the person who is flagging up the behaviour because it's a lot easier?

I can't imagine going through life requiring an acknowledgement that wrong has been done, a fulsome apology and a promise to change before I deign to resume communication with somebody. To me it's very manipulative

YANBU!

"you are trying to split my family up!" sounds like adult phraseology, not a spontaneous utterance from a child.

Tell him that no-one is splitting anyone up. Perhaps he'll meet his cousin later on. Then change the subject.

Then relax a bit. Chaperone MIL when with DS if you're worried about how far she goes. But that branch of the family does exist, no reason why he shouldn't know about them. But there is no reason why it should be particularly important to him, unless you are making it a big deal.

Your MIL has nailed her colours firmly to your SIL's mast, I expect your DH can see this now. He probably doesn't want to acknowledge it because it's never nice to realise how little your own parent thinks of you.

For the second time in a week I agree totally with thumbwitch. This is why your DH has shut down and if my DH and his relations with his parents and sister is anything to go by this is the hardest thing of all and he will now want to ignore the whole issue.

Your MIL isn't coming for Christmas, isn't willing to stand up for you to SIL and trying to manipulate your son. Lovely. I think you should give her the cold shoulder for a while but agree with other posters that if anything else is to be said or written it should be by your DH. They probably think it's all your fault anyway so don't give them anymore ammunition. Try to disengage and think about your lovely new baby. Easier said than done.

I can't see that your DH going on holiday with his sister but without you is heinous. My DH goes to the Lakes with his sister for a week or so every year and I duck out. Gives him time with his sister.

It's not really like that. It's more her saying: "I have paid for me, you (DH) and DS to go skiing. Marcheline is not invited". Or before we had DS, she would book little getaways to places normally associated with romantic weekends for her and DH. Once she booked a long weekend to Venice and when they got there, the hotel has accidentally booked them a double bed instead of 2 singles. All my mates were like ...

Actually, DH and I are fine now. I think I was just overtired on account of not sleeping last night. He told me that part of the reason he hadn't confronted MIL, was that he didn't want SIL to apologise now, after all this time, as he didn't want her in our lives. If she apologised, we would have to have contact with her.

Not sure if this is what he truly thinks, but that's what he said, anyway.

yeah he prob means just that. let it go, christmas is off, ds will soon forget about it, leave it for a while, you've got better things to think about with another very soon on the way (baby, not MIL thank god!!)

Your DS is six. He should be old enough to understand if you tell him that you don't get on with SIL. You don't even need to make her out to be nasty if you don't want him to have that impression. Tell him that the two of you have tried to get along but you don't. You won't be seeing the new baby because both you and SIL would be upset by having to spend time together. And that if two people are that incompatible it is best that they avoid eachother.

Friends are much more important than cousins and your Ds will have his own baby brother or sister to play with. Babies are pretty boring anyway if you're six.

Marcheline (love that name), your sil sounds very very odd. Probably best your dh doesn't go away with her. She sounds like my stepsister who was also very jealous and controlling when her brother, my stepbrother got married. She HATED it and tried all sorts of weird, eyebrow raising stuff on to make her brother show his loyalty to her.

In future though, just a tip - instead of going mad or trying to actively highlight what weird and out of order stuff your in laws do, let your dh figure it out a bit more for himself.

Use more passive language like, "Oh, do you really think do. My impression was more this...."

If you are calm and non confrontational then it will only keep everything in proportion although being heavily pg and sleep deprived is hideous. I'm there with you and perspective does get lost.

Thank goodness there are miles and miles between you all. Some people have no issue with putting pressure on other people's marriages when they live nearby.

CleopatrasAsp post says EVERYTHING.

I've cut my SIL off for the same reasons. MIL is next but for the sake of FIL and extended family we are being polite and distant. She never loses an opportunity to groom the kids though, so as a result there is no unsupervised access or sleepovers of any kind. It's better not to know 'family' than grow up in one as a scapegoat. Playing DC off against one another certainly leads to playing GDC off against each other. We've witnessed the preferential treatment and it will only get nastier so have decided to limit contact and information.

Can I ask zookeeper, NameChangeGalore and chandellina who have accused me of being manipulative, why they think this? I am genuinely interested as it has been bothering me. Thanks.

Because this thread was started by you in AIBU and they were up for a bun fight!

Starting your next thread in relationships may help to avoid this.

Marcheline I would have liked to have a honest discussion about this but as you can see from the tone of the posts in reply to mine (I think I decided to opt out of this thread after the snide "faaaaamily" comment by someone ) I can't see how I can give my honest well meaning thoughts without vitriol which I don't need at the moment.

I honestly wish you well and meant my comments constructively.

zookeeper, if you are going to indulge in name-calling (and "manipulative" is a pretty strong word), then at least you should have the courtesy to explain yourself when asked.

You could at least pm the op if you are genuine about avoiding vitriol...

I think JollyHockeyStick is right.

Just explain DH and you and his sister don't get on to your DS. You could go further and explain more in term a 6 year old understands - or just leave it at that. Then point out the huge distance as well.

Any future contact with MIL should always be with you there - ready to intercede if necessary and probably kept to a minimum at least for a while till everyone has calmed down.

I don't think YABU to be upset by MIL behavior - but I suspect you talking to her won't make any difference or ensure it won't happen again. Your DS will calm down and forget about it especially with a new sibling on the way.

I think calling someone "manipulative" for no apparent reason pretty vitriolic.

Op - if I were you I wouldn't bother with being bothered about silly opinions like zookeepers - it's a worthless opinion.

You are NOT manipulative.

My family has had run ins over the years but I see my siblings kids as separate to any family issues. I like to act like the grown up and bigger person even when things are complicated. As a result I always do birthday cards/new born baby cards and occasionally a small gift. It's only a small gesture after all and in the long run it's all about the child, not their parents.

Also, it's completely over the top to ban your MIL from talking about a new baby. MIL is obviously excited about the new arrival. You could explain to MIL that she left your son quite upset as he was desperate to see cousin baby - and has been very teary that it will not happen. You could ask that she doesn't get him too excited about the baby maybe and request that she talks about all the normal things they normally chat about.