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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think you don't leave 6 teenagers alone for a week?!

154 replies

OtherParentsAreNuts · 19/08/2012 21:18

Name changed to avoid trouble. This is a long saga, sorry!

A while ago DD1 (15 then, 16 now) came to me and asked if she could go on holiday with her friend, X. Apparently the deal was that X was allowed to take DD1, another girl, X's boyfriend and 2 other boys. They're all 15/16 years old. X's parents have a house in Devon, and had offered to take them all.

I was unsure, so DH and I probed a little. We were told that the house had 3 bedrooms - one for the girls, one for the boys and one for the parents. They would be allowed some freedom to go to the beach alone, and to go into the town. X's parents would drive the girls down, with the boys meeting them there. All of the kids would get the train back as X and family would go on to the South of France.

I spoke to X's mum and asked further about sleeping arrangements, views on alcohol, etc. I asked if they were crazy, taking 6 teens on holiday! She reassured me that they'd done it before, and X's older brother had often had friends round.

In the end, DH and I decided it was ok. We resigned ourselves that there might be some illicit drinking and kissing going on, but the parents would be nearby and on hand if there was an emergency.

Fast forward to July and DD1 went off. I gave her two bottles of expensive nice wine as a present for X's parents, and some cash so she could offer to pay for a dinner out or something. She came back on the train in one piece, having had a whale of a time.

Anyway, this morning I saw X's father in town. We got talking, I thanked him once again for having DD1 and said how much fun she'd had. I then jokingly asked whether he'd recovered from the sleepless nights with teenagers bouncing off the walls, keeping him up. He looked confused and said that he and X's mum had been in the South of France!!!

Turns out they dropped the kids off, packed the fridge and then left them whilst they went off straight to France. X's brother picked her up at the end of the week and drove her down to meet them.

SO MY DD1 AND 5 OTHER TEENAGERS, INCLUDING BOYS, WERE ALONE, MILES FROM HOME IN A HOUSE NEAR CLIFFS AND THE SEA! WITH AT LEAST 2 BOTTLES OF WINE!

I must have looked stunned because he quickly ran off. I went home and dragged DD1 out of bed, where she burst into floods. She claims that she didn't know that they would be left until it had happened. She claims she thought X's parents were staying. She claims that she didn't tell me as I'd have made her come home (too right!). She claims they were sensible and just hung out at the beach. I am not at all sure I believe a word of it.

She's currently grounded until at least 35. I want to go round and KILL both parents. They could have been hurt, killed, assaulted...they could have got drunk, smoked, taken drugs, had sex. I'm SO angry with DD1. It's not like her to be deceptive, but she has been. But worse, I'm so angry with the parents. You expect ADULTS to be honest and not deceive you.

I'm going over and over all the conversations with X's mum in case I wasn't clear with my questions and she might have said she was going away but I missed it. Unless I've gone insane, I know she didn't.

AIBU to go and kill them? AIBU to ground DD1 forever? AIBU to ask DD1 for a blow-by-blow account of exactly what she did? AIBU to think that you don't leave kids alone at 15/16!!

Angry
OP posts:
hackmum · 19/08/2012 21:21

YANBU. Definite grounding of DD until age 35 at least and then kill the parents.

Annunziata · 19/08/2012 21:22

YANBU, but they probably would have got drunk and had sex anyway (sorry). But they were VU to lie to you about staying. As for not even being in the country- I'd be furious.

honeytea · 19/08/2012 21:23

In 2 years she may well be living with boys with unlimited alcohol and a big student loan in her bank, maybe it is time to start to let her show you she is responsible?

Catsmamma · 19/08/2012 21:23

I'd be very wary of believing dd's claims tbh but I am a suspicious old bag

However, it's done dusted, no alcoholic poisionings, death by tombstoning or teen pregancies

Sounds like they were fairly sensible over all.

alistron1 · 19/08/2012 21:24

I think that it's happened, your DD is ok and that you should let it go. I have a nearly 16 yo myself and know how you are probably feeling. But seriously, making a big deal out of this now won't change anything.

Have had a similar situation recently, and it made me cast my own mind back to the stuff I got up to at that age and the fibs I told.

Your DD is fine - the most important thing. Vent here, but try and let it go.

Bloody kids ;)

Krumbum · 19/08/2012 21:25

This isn't Her fault. You need to speak to the parents. I don't think grounding her Is entirely fair.

LindyHemming · 19/08/2012 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gumby · 19/08/2012 21:27

I'd let it go
It's done now , nothing bad happened

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 19/08/2012 21:27

At 16 they can get married. Preferably with your consent or they can get the night train to Scotland and get married without your consent.

They can have sex Shock hetro or homosexual.

They can enlist, although not be deployed overseas

They can smoke, but not purchase

They can drink with food in a restaurant - and buy liqueur chocolates

Gamble on lottery tickets

Leave home without parental consent.

So your problem with this was?

MorrisZapp · 19/08/2012 21:27

All's well that ends well? Most kids have tried alcohol and had sex at 15/16 anyway to be fair.

Sounds like your DD was well behaved. I wouldn't kick off, just be more wary next time.

Gumby · 19/08/2012 21:28

unless you're thinking she might be pregnant

Flojo1979 · 19/08/2012 21:29

YABU to ground Dd if she didn't know she'd be left alone, not her fault.
YANBU to be annoyed at the parents though, they should have told u they wouldn't be there.

valiumredhead · 19/08/2012 21:29

She's 15 - I left home at 16, not ideal but puts it onto perspective.

Dildobaggins · 19/08/2012 21:29

Over-reaction. At 16 she is quite within her rights to do all that without telling you a thing.

Birdsgottafly · 19/08/2012 21:30

My DD would have been fine, in the group that she mixed in.

You should have been told, though, that is the issue.

I think that you should credit her with the sense that she obviously has.

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2012 21:31

I'd want to have words with the parents as they assured you they were going to be there.

Don't know about grounding DD tbh though.

Did you speak to her whilst she was away?

purplewithred · 19/08/2012 21:31

Oh dear. I would be cross with the parents. The kids - well. It'll make a great family story. Sometime in the future. Maybe you can remind her of it when she has teenagers of her own.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/08/2012 21:31

Oh dear. No advice I'm afraid as DS is only 12mo so these kind of dramas are reassuringly far in the future.

YADNBU to be annoyed with the parents for lying to you.

Not so sure about the other things. I feel a bit sorry for your DD tbh. If she really did think the parents were staying then she may actually have been quite frightened when they left. I think 15/16 is old enough to be left alone - although maybe not for a week. Most teens are relatively sensible and they probably enjoyed pretending to be grown ups.

You probably need to check, as calmly as possible, that she didn't have unprotected sex, and take her to get checked if she did, but other than that I think it has to be an 'all's well that end's well' situation.

If it reassures you at all, I used to have a 'free house' every summer from the age of around 15. There were usually lots of teenagers hanging around, attempting to cook pasta, ordering lots of pizza, watching rubbish films and generally making a mess. There was usually some beer/cider to be had (much easier to get served under age back then; I get ID-ed more now than I did then!) but no-one went too crazy and I really hope I'm as brave as my parents were and allow my children some of that freedom.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 19/08/2012 21:33

You dragged her out of bed?

See, If someone posted their partner did that we'd all be screaming 'leave the bastard' .... but if you really out hands on her and did drag her out of bed... rather than a turn of phrase, I sincerely hops, just this once, she does you for assault.

And I never ever say that.

OP your OP is hysterical, and I don't mean the funny, amusing sort of hysterical.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 19/08/2012 21:34

Why
are
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always
by
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IDs ????

wineandroses · 19/08/2012 21:35

Actually, I don't think you are over-reacting. It sounds like the parents of the friend lied to you, and your DD may also have lied to you (I can't imagine she knew nothing about the parents plans until she actually got there). I would speak to the parents to find out exactly why they fed you such bull-shit. I couldn't just leave it there - I'd be too pissed off at grown up parents lying, in order to - what? - cover up for DD who may have told them she wouldn't be allowed to go otherwise? Definitely give them a call to discuss.

BCBG · 19/08/2012 21:35

YABU. Sorry, but I think you are. Your DD isn't at fault , didn't lie. They were fine. Most teenagers cope far better than we give them credit for. If they are the sort to have sex, then they will find a way to do it without going all the way to Devon to do it! Ditto drinking, drugs and everything else. They had a nice time. They probably ate crap food, texted madly, giggled a lot, were a little bit naughty. If she needed you, she had a phone. So what? Congratulate her for doing well. I would be cross with the parents, personally - IF I was sure that I had actually been deceived as opposed to just not asking all the questions I should. But she hasn't 'been deceptive' unless you either think she knew all along, or that she should have called you the minute she found out no adults were there. I'm NOT saying I think its the ideal way to treat kids - far from it, but the point is that they appear to have been trustworthy and I think they should receive proper credit for that.

SrirachaGirl · 19/08/2012 21:37

Oh my GOD. I would go mental. My parents sometimes used to go abroad for a week or two at a time when DB and I were teens... the mischief we got into, the parties, the alcohol, the jumping off the roof into the pool, the throwing up and passing out....What were they thinking? At the very least, I'd be having a (calm) chat with the parents. They should have been the ones contacting you with reassurances before taking other peoples' kids away...

TheHouseofMirth · 19/08/2012 21:40

You say she had a great time and presumably is alive/not pregnant/hooked on drugs/still has a functioning liver so I would be pleased that she was mature enough to enjoy herself responsibly.

You give the impression from our OP that the parents themselves led you to believe they would be there so I think any anger you feel should be levelled at them.

jimswifein1964 · 19/08/2012 21:44

When I wad 16 I went on holiday with my best friend to celebrate the end of school. I wasn't much different at 15 to 16. And by 17, I'd left home anyway. It all depends on the maturity of the individual.

However, if the parents led you to believe they'd be there, I'd be livid - yoi should have had the opportunity to arrange a dailyt phonecallto keep in touch with your daughter etc.

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