AIBU to think you don't leave 6 teenagers alone for a week?!

[OtherParentsAreNuts]

Name changed to avoid trouble. This is a long saga, sorry!

A while ago DD1 (15 then, 16 now) came to me and asked if she could go on holiday with her friend, X. Apparently the deal was that X was allowed to take DD1, another girl, X's boyfriend and 2 other boys. They're all 15/16 years old. X's parents have a house in Devon, and had offered to take them all.

I was unsure, so DH and I probed a little. We were told that the house had 3 bedrooms - one for the girls, one for the boys and one for the parents. They would be allowed some freedom to go to the beach alone, and to go into the town. X's parents would drive the girls down, with the boys meeting them there. All of the kids would get the train back as X and family would go on to the South of France.

I spoke to X's mum and asked further about sleeping arrangements, views on alcohol, etc. I asked if they were crazy, taking 6 teens on holiday! She reassured me that they'd done it before, and X's older brother had often had friends round.

In the end, DH and I decided it was ok. We resigned ourselves that there might be some illicit drinking and kissing going on, but the parents would be nearby and on hand if there was an emergency.

Fast forward to July and DD1 went off. I gave her two bottles of expensive nice wine as a present for X's parents, and some cash so she could offer to pay for a dinner out or something. She came back on the train in one piece, having had a whale of a time.

Anyway, this morning I saw X's father in town. We got talking, I thanked him once again for having DD1 and said how much fun she'd had. I then jokingly asked whether he'd recovered from the sleepless nights with teenagers bouncing off the walls, keeping him up. He looked confused and said that he and X's mum had been in the South of France!!!

Turns out they dropped the kids off, packed the fridge and then left them whilst they went off straight to France. X's brother picked her up at the end of the week and drove her down to meet them.

SO MY DD1 AND 5 OTHER TEENAGERS, INCLUDING BOYS, WERE ALONE, MILES FROM HOME IN A HOUSE NEAR CLIFFS AND THE SEA! WITH AT LEAST 2 BOTTLES OF WINE!

I must have looked stunned because he quickly ran off. I went home and dragged DD1 out of bed, where she burst into floods. She claims that she didn't know that they would be left until it had happened. She claims she thought X's parents were staying. She claims that she didn't tell me as I'd have made her come home (too right!). She claims they were sensible and just hung out at the beach. I am not at all sure I believe a word of it.

She's currently grounded until at least 35. I want to go round and KILL both parents. They could have been hurt, killed, assaulted...they could have got drunk, smoked, taken drugs, had sex. I'm SO angry with DD1. It's not like her to be deceptive, but she has been. But worse, I'm so angry with the parents. You expect ADULTS to be honest and not deceive you.

I'm going over and over all the conversations with X's mum in case I wasn't clear with my questions and she might have said she was going away but I missed it. Unless I've gone insane, I know she didn't.

AIBU to go and kill them? AIBU to ground DD1 forever? AIBU to ask DD1 for a blow-by-blow account of exactly what she did? AIBU to think that you don't leave kids alone at 15/16!!

mmmm... Either you raised yours to be sensible or you didn't (or you tried your best but she's turned out ditzy anyway, in which case she's only going to learn the hard way & you need to let her get on with it).

I'd be about parents who chose to do this & annoyed if my DD lied to me, but I couldn't rise to feeling livid about it. Just couldn't.

I would be cross that I had been lied to.
I would be shocked that any adults would think it a good idea to leave a group of teenagers unsupervised in their house, leave the country and not bother to let any other responsible adult know this was the plan.

I would let it go - because they came home safely. But I'm not sure that I'd be giving permission for any more trips in the near future - at least until trust had been earned again.

SO MY DD1 AND 5 OTHER TEENAGERS, INCLUDING BOYS, WERE ALONE, MILES FROM HOME IN A HOUSE NEAR CLIFFS AND THE SEA! WITH AT LEAST 2 BOTTLES OF WINE!

2 bottles of wine between 6 - have a

I'd be cross with the parents who did lie to you - even if their plan changed later it was extremely cavalier not to let you know.

However these are the sort of freedoms that should be afforded to a 15/16 year old.

I can totally understand why your DD lied after the fact given your obvious propensity for over reaction

Your DD's friend's parents should not have lied to you. That was extremely unreasonable of them. However, I do think that you are being unreasonable. And greatly overreacting.

'SO MY DD1 AND 5 OTHER TEENAGERS, INCLUDING BOYS, WERE ALONE, MILES FROM HOME IN A HOUSE NEAR CLIFFS AND THE SEA! WITH AT LEAST 2 BOTTLES OF WINE!'. 15/16 year olds don't often accidentally wander off cliffs. Or into the sea. And two bottles of wine between six 15/16 year olds over the course of a week is hardly going to render them incapable of rational thought. 'Including boys'. Why is this a problem? Do you think that your daughter is likely to leap into bed with a boy just because they are sleeping under the same roof?

'They could have been hurt, killed, assaulted...they could have got drunk, smoked, taken drugs, had sex.'. Yes. All of those things could have happened. All of those things could also happen when they are 'at a friend's house', 'in the library' or 'staying late at school to study'. None of those things happened. If you trust your daughter (and clearly she did not get up to anything unsavoury), then you trust her. I was allowed to go clubbing, and to Spain with a mate, when I was 15. I so respected the trust that my parents put in me, that I always got a taxi home, never even looked at a drug, and stuck to their '4 beers limit' (until I was 18). Putting trust in your teens goes a long way (fwiw, my friends who were never allowed by their parents to touch a drink, all rebelled by getting shitfaced every weekend, lots of vomiting on themselves and passing out on the street. I have never done either of those).

Sorry, that was quite the essay. But yes, I do think that you are overreacting. Your DD will be leaving home soon, most likely. Allow her to become an adult and trust her to look after herself.

I have a 16YO DD too. I can understand why you're upset but as others have said, all's well that ends well. I can see why your DD didn't tell you, she knows you would be upset. It is the other parents who have behaved badly. Your DD has done well.

Perhaps she should have phoned you but you knew where she was and she was happy she could cope. It will have been quite an adventure for her.

Has it not crossed your mind that your DD genuinely didn't know? I wouldn't be putting her in the doghouse. I'd be hanging the parents up to dry though. It's very irresponsible of them & awful that they lied to you.

But did they lie? Did they actually tell you they would be there all the time - it would be quite easy to have a total crossed wires conversation where the other mum is assuming you are talking about leaving six teens alone in the house when you are discussing are they mad taking so many teens on holiday, and you are assuming the parents will be there. Who told you they would be there and all going to France later?

Tbh, I think YABU in any case. I would have trusted DS1 in that situation at 15/16 - he knows right from wrong and could do any of the things you are freaking about pretty much any time. Do you really think your teenager isn't in other situations where other teens are getting drunk/stoned/having sex etc.? If you think not you really are deluding yourself.

YANBU! I remember being 15! Only too well. I remember what I got up to under my DMs rather lax supervision. Goodness knows qhat I would have got up to in this situation!

Save you anger for the other parents though. I believe your DD did not know the full situation.

By nearly 16yrs you either trust your DD or you don't. If you can't trust her then she was just as likely to get up to the things you feared with adults around. She sounds quite sensible to me in that it all went well and she had a great time. The only thing that she did wrong was not to let you know that circumstances were not what she expected and since you would have immediately driven down and collected her you can see why she didn't because it would have spoiled her holiday and embarrassed her in front of friends.
Are you absolutely sure that the parents lied? Could it be possible that you misunderstood because the only thing that was different was the timing of the France trip.
I really would apologise for dragging her out of bed, explain that it was a spur of the moment reaction when you were upset and discuss it in an adult way. In less than 30 months she will probably be going to university and you won't know any social arrangements.

OP, I was with you until you screamed about the two bottles of wine and a cliff. For crying out loud, woman, get a grip!

What annoys me (not about you OP but other posters) is this assumption that 16 year olds are all getting drunk, smoking, taking drugs, having sex.

Some may be. For all I know most may be. I don't have any yet. But just because you did, doesn't mean they all are. I hadn't done any of those things by 16, and I know that lots of others hadn't either.

And the worry about cliffs I can completely see - cliffs plus 16 year old fine, cliffs plus drunk/ on drugs teenager - which people seem to think is OK/ inevitable - or teenager hyped up to do things they wouldn't normally do by their mates, not fine.

Re: the thread title, yes YABU

I went to stay at a friend's house in Cornwall with no parents when we were all 15/16. However, she had relatives living near by and we were completely honest with parents about what we were doing. (Although this was long before anybody had a mobile, so possibility of needing help from a local adult higher).
Equally, IME there is plenty of opportunity for drinking/drugs/smoking/sex closer to home - it is unlikely that they would start doing these things just because they were in Devon.

However, it sounds to me as though you were quite thorough when finding out what the situation would be on this holiday, and only agreed to it on the basis that parents would be there. Personally, I would not be in the South of France if my 15/16 year old were inviting some friends to stay in my holiday house without appointing a responsible neighbour to spy on them. (Maybe these parents did this - perhaps they have close (and tolerant) friends living next door?) I would certainly be very clear with other parents that I was not in the country.

So, in summary, I think you should allow your 16 year old more freedom. You are right to form an opinion that these parents are unreliable, but in a couple of years your daughter will probably have left home, and be mixing with far more unreliable people, so this was probably good practice for all of you...

Hi Otherparents, I think you have had a flaming here. I have a nearly similar aged teen and if I put myself in your shoes , I could imagine if same had happened to me I would have written it word for word. The good things about most other posters views is yes all is well and ends wells , thankfully. Any yes in the circumstances yr DD has seemingly acted very mature and sensible. Be angry and maybe call the mother to say you are very perturbed for being grossly misled, it will make you feel better. I , after reading other posts would say to your daughter that although you would never have agreed to the arrangements, she has been very grown up and you are proud of her, and hope she can tell you anything and you won't be shocked. I would apologise for puling her out of bed and say it was because you were so shocked. We all love our children so much , it so difficult to move from the perhaps overprotected childhood stage to a more lenient teenage stage! I feel your pain. I'm currently reading all of Ben Fogles books , and as a parent its omg, to think of your child doing such riskly but liberating things. My mum always says you have to give your child wings. Hard but TRUE and if you have laid good foundations, hopefully they will be ok. Good luck

DD and several friends did the D of E awards. You know, where you hike off into the middle of nowhere, often in a mixed group without adult supervision and stay put for days and nights? Often near cliffs and water and cooking fires and spiders and everything.
OP, be angry with the adults who should have been there and weren't even in the same country. if I'd found myself in that situation as a teen, I certainly wouldn't have told my parents. In fact, I remember that I didn't.

I'm on the fence here. You are over reacting but that's because you don't have the full picture.
I suspect that if you review the whole episode and have a calm discussion with DD, you are going to find that it was she who misled you as to the presence of the parents.

I don't believe that the parents would lie to you. Why would they? In their world, your DD was either going on the holiday or she wasn't - no biggie. There's no way I would lie to another parent on behalf of some random teen with a neurotic over protective mother.

You've been done up like a kipper by your DD - get the facts straight and then take the appropriate action, which to my mind is to punish the lying. Open your eyes to your DD's mischief, it's glaringly obvious what's gone on and the reason the other kid's father scuttled off after talking to you was because he realised he'd dropped DD into the shit, not because he'd been caught out in a lie himself.

DS was on Dartmoor at 15 in a mixed group camping - that was the Scouts. Leaders were contactable but not with them.
If you go back over the conversation with the other parents are you absolutely sure that you were misled? Are you sure that you didn't assume things - easy to do if you wouldn't contemplate going abroad yourself and leaving them to it.

I spoke to X's mum and asked further about sleeping arrangements, views on alcohol, etc. I asked if they were crazy, taking 6 teens on holiday! She reassured me that they'd done it before, and X's older brother had often had friends round.

I disagree carabos - there is no way that you could have that kind of conversation and not mention somewhere "it won't be too much of a bother for us because we will be in the South of France".

It sounds to me as though they may have changed their plans and neglected to inform other parties.

Talk to the parents. I would be very cross. They have no idea on the type of teens they were leaving . There is no way we would leave DSS 16 for even a night (this week left oven on with food in, left house unlocked , kept poor dog shut up in utility room on hot day etc)

DD should have told you. I disagree, not all teens have sex by 15/16.

Have you spoken to any of the other children's parents? What did they understand was going to happen with regards to the holliday home parents.

Speaking to the other parents is a good idea.

Once the parents were planning to go to the South of France, there should have been some conversation along the lines of

"They can get eggs and milk from the farm, and Mrs Brown at the post office will be calling every day and checking that the house is still standing." (and to bring things up to date, "we have good mobile coverage in the area we are staying/this is the address of where we are staying".)

Agree with ArcticRain they may trust their children, but presumably they don't know your daughter so well.

Also I agree not all 15/16 yo will want to or be having sex, but there is a worry that opportunity and drink and peer pressure will encourage a child to do something they otherwise would not have entered into. Not suggesting OP daughter would gave or wanted to to any of above.
what a minefield!

I bet they had an amazing time and in years to come she will really cherish the memories!

No one is dead so it's not that bad really. And from what you say everyone including you assumed the parents would be there.