AIBU to think you don't leave 6 teenagers alone for a week?!

[OtherParentsAreNuts]

Name changed to avoid trouble. This is a long saga, sorry!

A while ago DD1 (15 then, 16 now) came to me and asked if she could go on holiday with her friend, X. Apparently the deal was that X was allowed to take DD1, another girl, X's boyfriend and 2 other boys. They're all 15/16 years old. X's parents have a house in Devon, and had offered to take them all.

I was unsure, so DH and I probed a little. We were told that the house had 3 bedrooms - one for the girls, one for the boys and one for the parents. They would be allowed some freedom to go to the beach alone, and to go into the town. X's parents would drive the girls down, with the boys meeting them there. All of the kids would get the train back as X and family would go on to the South of France.

I spoke to X's mum and asked further about sleeping arrangements, views on alcohol, etc. I asked if they were crazy, taking 6 teens on holiday! She reassured me that they'd done it before, and X's older brother had often had friends round.

In the end, DH and I decided it was ok. We resigned ourselves that there might be some illicit drinking and kissing going on, but the parents would be nearby and on hand if there was an emergency.

Fast forward to July and DD1 went off. I gave her two bottles of expensive nice wine as a present for X's parents, and some cash so she could offer to pay for a dinner out or something. She came back on the train in one piece, having had a whale of a time.

Anyway, this morning I saw X's father in town. We got talking, I thanked him once again for having DD1 and said how much fun she'd had. I then jokingly asked whether he'd recovered from the sleepless nights with teenagers bouncing off the walls, keeping him up. He looked confused and said that he and X's mum had been in the South of France!!!

Turns out they dropped the kids off, packed the fridge and then left them whilst they went off straight to France. X's brother picked her up at the end of the week and drove her down to meet them.

SO MY DD1 AND 5 OTHER TEENAGERS, INCLUDING BOYS, WERE ALONE, MILES FROM HOME IN A HOUSE NEAR CLIFFS AND THE SEA! WITH AT LEAST 2 BOTTLES OF WINE!

I must have looked stunned because he quickly ran off. I went home and dragged DD1 out of bed, where she burst into floods. She claims that she didn't know that they would be left until it had happened. She claims she thought X's parents were staying. She claims that she didn't tell me as I'd have made her come home (too right!). She claims they were sensible and just hung out at the beach. I am not at all sure I believe a word of it.

She's currently grounded until at least 35. I want to go round and KILL both parents. They could have been hurt, killed, assaulted...they could have got drunk, smoked, taken drugs, had sex. I'm SO angry with DD1. It's not like her to be deceptive, but she has been. But worse, I'm so angry with the parents. You expect ADULTS to be honest and not deceive you.

I'm going over and over all the conversations with X's mum in case I wasn't clear with my questions and she might have said she was going away but I missed it. Unless I've gone insane, I know she didn't.

AIBU to go and kill them? AIBU to ground DD1 forever? AIBU to ask DD1 for a blow-by-blow account of exactly what she did? AIBU to think that you don't leave kids alone at 15/16!!

I wish people would bloody read what posters type.

"I don't believe that the parents would lie to you."
"Who told you they would be there and all going to France later?"
The answer's in the bloody original post, or do people think Op is lying?

Op, I think your argument is with the mother, who deliberately misled you. You DD was only 15 years old and she found herself in a difficult position. She told you one lie, and then found herself in full fabrication mode because of that. I think the main thing is to not frighten her off telling you the truth in the future.

When you say 15/16 - I assume your DD was just a couple of weeks off her 16th bday as the holiday was in July and it is now August and she is 16. I assume that she has just completed year 11 so could leave school. The problem with having a summer born is that you have to get used to them always being the younger ones and they will always do things a bit earlier as they hang round with their year group - some of whom are almost a year older. Difficult as it is as a parent you have to let her do things that her year group are doing and not hold her back because of her younger age. I mean this in the nicest possible way so please dont be offended. Otherwise she will enter UNi as Abit young for the year and totally not ready. Does she start six form in a couple of weeks ? hopefully this bit of unexpected freedom
Will stand her in good stead for buckling down I six form in a responsible way. If she has only finished year 10 and I am wrong about her being almost 16 on the holiday then I totally agree with you!

I think you need to separate and clearly express to your dd what she had done wrong. It's her stories and lying. Not the situation she wad in. (you have no choice but to believe her on the situation)

You are right to be livid with the parents.

I think you need to have a chat with your dd about why you are so concerned- ie ask her what she would have done (calmly if a) b) c) happened)

Try to turn this into a positive learning experience (if you continue in ballistic mode shell never open up if something had happened)

Take a breath- congratulate yourself that you raised dd with enough sense nothing did happen and turn thus into something good

SO MY DD1 AND 5 OTHER TEENAGERS, INCLUDING BOYS, WERE ALONE, MILES FROM HOME IN A HOUSE NEAR CLIFFS AND THE SEA! WITH AT LEAST 2 BOTTLES OF WINE!

OMG two whole bottles of wine! With boys. And cliffs.

How on earth did your daughter escape near certain death?

She's obviously pregnant or has at least caught some fatal STI. March her down to the family planning clinic immediately.

Or you could credit your daughter with at least a little respect and give her the benefit of the doubt that she can act responsibly and maturely.

YABHideouslyHystericalAndU. Get a grip.

And make sure you apologise to your poor daughter.

Not sure how you expect your daughter to be honest about anything, when you've now proved you go nuts over silly stuff. She'll never tell you anything now.

YANBU to be upset about the parents lying to you, that's an abuse of trust and is really quite worrying.

However YABU as far as your DD goes. She is lying to you because you are stifling her and have not recognised that she's a young adult and needs some freedom.

She is only going to get older (and quickly!) She needs more freedom that you will allow her right now, you need to let go a little and give her some age-appropriate responsibility. Otherwise I predict she'll keep on lying to you, or not telling you the full story. I know it was the only way I could get freedom when I was young, and I don't regret it for a second. Some of the friendships I made while at parties with (shock horror!) drinking and no adults present still remain to this day. In fact most of my lovely, close adult friends I met between 14 and and 18 while lying about where I was and what I was doing. Their parents simply allowed them more freedom than mine did.

You should be proud of her that she and her friends coped so well and came back in one piece.

She knows she's old enough for this kind of responsibility and has proved it.

Including boys?
Can we have a round of applause for the lust-and-alcohol-fuelled dangers to society that actually behaved appropriately. Despite the opinion of many on MN, there are a lot of mixed sex friendships within teen groups that don't involve forced sex, terror and abusive interactions.
OP, talk calmly with your daughter over the next few days and find out what actually went on. Share why you were so concerned with the situation, and be open about your prejudice about teenagers and their attitudes and your worries for her.

My DS has an August birthday. He was 15 when he took his GCSEs, he was 15 when he got the results and he was 15 when he went on holiday with his friends-you have to treat them like a 16yr old. It is unfair to say you have to take the exams at 15 but you can't go on holiday at that age.

I dont think the issue here is anything to do with the fact that your DD is at an age where she could be doing all these things any way. It's true that she may well be drinking, having sex, smoking etc but that's surely not the point.

Surely you should be able to trust the parents of your DD's friends? It's not their decision whether your DD is old enough or responsible enough to be left in this type of situation, it's yours. I think it's awful they they have seen fit to take these king of decisions out of your hands, no matter what age your DD is.

YANBU

Who said that the bedrooms were one for the boy, one for the girls & one for the parents?

I´d be really sad if my daughter felt she couldn´t phone me to let me know that actually the parents weren´t there but could she still stay?

(Not sure what the answer would be, though)

The issue here is trust. I would talk to DD about honesty being an integral part of relationships. Disappointment that she hasn't been honest with you rather than grounding might have more impact and might mean the two of you grow towards a more adult relationship - which is inevitably where you're heading as she moves towards 18. But she still needs protecting and you can only figure out how / if to protect if you have all the facts about what she's up to. Protection could just mean having a conversation about sex, drink etc and still letting her go.

The other parents either deliberately misled you or unintentionally misled you. YANBU to find out which it was. YANBU to say tell them you based your decision on your DD going for a week on the fact you thought they were going to be there. You wouldn't need to say much more that. Stick to facts and not feelings or assumptions about potential dangers especially as they got back home safely. If you feel your DD is not ready to be a week alone without adults that's your choice. I probably wouldn't but I was a very naughty 16yo

The key point here is whether the other parents specifically told you that they would be there at the house.

If they did then they are out of line and you should have a word.

If they didn't and your daughter kept it from you then, yes, I understand that you're pissed off but it's done and your daughter is safe. Move on.

for me it would be the lying that got to me. If I had know from day one that they were going to be alone I would have said yes but with lots of warnings and promises of phone calls etc. I would be fuming with the parents for lying and with DD for lying, the deception involved would make me lose trust no matter how sensible she had been.

I would be angry with DD for not only lying, but for perpetuating the lie by including the parents in all the events they went to when recounting the events. If she just didn't mention them it would be slightly better, but she totally led you up the garden path there. That's what you should focus the punishment on - she's proved herself to be untrustworthy. Sex, drinking etc....you can't punish for what you don't know happened.

I would be furious with the parents, but would let that one drop. What's the point of getting into a row, just don't trust them again.

I dont see how you can "punish" a 16yo at all anyway. If my parents had tried to "punish" me at 16, I would have just packed my bags and gone.. in fact at 17, I did leave home, not because of an argument, but because I had a job that required me living in a flat..

Massive over-reaction, which probably explains why the daughter felt she had to lie or she would not have been allowed to go.

You can reprimand teens . We use the router as punishment . We certainly won't let bad behaviour go unchecked . We don't have to do it that often however . Our teens have never upped and left !

Talk to your daughter too . Like an adult . Ask here to explain what happened again because you need to have words with the parents . Don't talk over her . Don't get pissed off . Clarify with the parents . If she is at fault with lying about the patents , then she needs to know it is unacceptable behaviour .

Yabu - your dd is close to adulthood - time to start giving some freedoms. I'd be cross with the parents if your dd hadn't been happy but as she had a whale of a time then all good.

I agree with other posters in that dd is close to adulthood, however 15 is still young and a week without any parents is a big step.

I would still have considered allowing dd to go if i had known they would be alone, but i would have been able to discuss with dd possible scenarios that may have arisen and how she could deal with them.

i would be annoyed at having been lied to by dd but you need to make sure if similar situation present themselves in the future she can discuss it with you first and come to a sensible decision together.

It doesn't sound ideal at 15, some kids are still quite immature at that age. But your reaction is a bit ridiculous and sounds more like it was 5 and 6 year olds left to fend to themselves, not 15/16.

I agree it's more likely your DD has misled you rather than the parents lying, I'm not sure why they would do that.

YABU to ask her for a blow-by-blow of what she did. If she did get up to anything 'naughty' I doubt she's going to tell you all about it, and tbh you'd probably be happier not knowing.

(My favourite bit is 'WITH AT LEAST 2 BOTTLES OF WINE!')

I'm also not sure quite how you can 'ground' a 16 year old. Really the only way you can punish at that age is by withdrawing financial support.

Im not sure, I think you are being a tiny BU.

I went to my first festival at 15, drugs, alcohol and boys were rife but it didnt mean I did all of them! I just got a little drunk and had an amazing time.

Id be far more pissed off that she lied, that would bother me more than anything else, I cant abide lying.

Oh dear.

I feel for you OP and I have a tendancy towards the dramatic as far as my 15 year old is concerned as well. I would be furious with the parents BUT...I think the grounding and interrogation and horrible panic that you're feeling is unreasonable.

I often catch myself treating DS like a 13 year old rather than a 15 year old and it's difficult but it's no good. No harm came to her and although she should have called you and said "We're unsupervised" looking back on my own teenage years I would never have done that in a million years!

If your DD is 16 then it won't be long before she is going out into the world on her own anyway, best to give her the tools to keep herself safe now, while she still has a soft place to land.

I do understand how you feel though (and ARF at 2 x bottles of wine!)

If you had posted asking whether you should allow your DD to go away with a group of friends unaccompanied by an adult for a week, I would have yes you should (providing you felt that she was a fairly responsible 16 year old). The issue here (for me) is that you were lied to by the parents. Realisyically most teenagers would go along with this if they had the opportunity and maybe a serious talk about why you would NOT have been happy is in order but I think grounding her until she is 25 is maybe more realistic that 35 . Seriously, be glad that nothing major went wrong but I do understand why you are annoyed. YANBU

I left home at 15 so on that count YABU.

YANBU to be mad at the other parents though, they should have told you.

The parents were in the wrong, I wouldn't punish my 16 year old for this.

I expect it was one of the best weeks of her life