AIBU to think you don't leave 6 teenagers alone for a week?!

[OtherParentsAreNuts]

Name changed to avoid trouble. This is a long saga, sorry!

A while ago DD1 (15 then, 16 now) came to me and asked if she could go on holiday with her friend, X. Apparently the deal was that X was allowed to take DD1, another girl, X's boyfriend and 2 other boys. They're all 15/16 years old. X's parents have a house in Devon, and had offered to take them all.

I was unsure, so DH and I probed a little. We were told that the house had 3 bedrooms - one for the girls, one for the boys and one for the parents. They would be allowed some freedom to go to the beach alone, and to go into the town. X's parents would drive the girls down, with the boys meeting them there. All of the kids would get the train back as X and family would go on to the South of France.

I spoke to X's mum and asked further about sleeping arrangements, views on alcohol, etc. I asked if they were crazy, taking 6 teens on holiday! She reassured me that they'd done it before, and X's older brother had often had friends round.

In the end, DH and I decided it was ok. We resigned ourselves that there might be some illicit drinking and kissing going on, but the parents would be nearby and on hand if there was an emergency.

Fast forward to July and DD1 went off. I gave her two bottles of expensive nice wine as a present for X's parents, and some cash so she could offer to pay for a dinner out or something. She came back on the train in one piece, having had a whale of a time.

Anyway, this morning I saw X's father in town. We got talking, I thanked him once again for having DD1 and said how much fun she'd had. I then jokingly asked whether he'd recovered from the sleepless nights with teenagers bouncing off the walls, keeping him up. He looked confused and said that he and X's mum had been in the South of France!!!

Turns out they dropped the kids off, packed the fridge and then left them whilst they went off straight to France. X's brother picked her up at the end of the week and drove her down to meet them.

SO MY DD1 AND 5 OTHER TEENAGERS, INCLUDING BOYS, WERE ALONE, MILES FROM HOME IN A HOUSE NEAR CLIFFS AND THE SEA! WITH AT LEAST 2 BOTTLES OF WINE!

I must have looked stunned because he quickly ran off. I went home and dragged DD1 out of bed, where she burst into floods. She claims that she didn't know that they would be left until it had happened. She claims she thought X's parents were staying. She claims that she didn't tell me as I'd have made her come home (too right!). She claims they were sensible and just hung out at the beach. I am not at all sure I believe a word of it.

She's currently grounded until at least 35. I want to go round and KILL both parents. They could have been hurt, killed, assaulted...they could have got drunk, smoked, taken drugs, had sex. I'm SO angry with DD1. It's not like her to be deceptive, but she has been. But worse, I'm so angry with the parents. You expect ADULTS to be honest and not deceive you.

I'm going over and over all the conversations with X's mum in case I wasn't clear with my questions and she might have said she was going away but I missed it. Unless I've gone insane, I know she didn't.

AIBU to go and kill them? AIBU to ground DD1 forever? AIBU to ask DD1 for a blow-by-blow account of exactly what she did? AIBU to think that you don't leave kids alone at 15/16!!

Whatever is the point is stopping a 17yr old going abroad when he can do it legally a month later-and therefore it would seem sensible to try out Devon at 16yrs.
Even the Scout association send mixed groups onto Dartmoor without leaders.

They can however contact leaders in an emergency.

I went on holiday for a week at 16 with friends, we had all chipped money in and got a cottage rented out

Was a fab time!

Next time we went at 18 the owners left us wine

I left home day after my 16th bday very legally actually postolympicblue I came straight out of care so I would assume it wasn't illegal . You can get married if you catch the train to gretna green as well very legally. Not rubbish at all.

OP You sound very controlling, I bet your daughter can't wait to leave home and have some freedom. I hope though for your sake she doesn't just f off and never come back.

It isn't illegal-I don't know where she got it from.

Thanks for all the replies..even the ones I disagree with!

For an update, I've calmed down and DD1 and I have had a long chat.

To clear up some questions/assumptions made, I am angry because DD1 lied. I'm angry because the parents misled. Had I been in possession of all the facts, there's a good chance DD1 would have still been allowed to go - I have relatives in Devon so could have given DD1 their number 'in case of emergency'.

DD1 is not some poor, stifled child. She's done Duke of Edinburgh and camped alone with her friends. She's travelled a LOT with her hobby - including to Florida to World Championships with her team and only a few adults. She's allowed a reasonable amount of freedom. BUT we know to listen out for the phone 'just in case', and we give her information to deal with scenarios that might crop up - i.e. if you get stuck, the hospital is here, here's some taxi money for emergencies etc. In this case, we relied on the parents (possibly wrongly) to be the emergency back up.

We have discussed the fact that I am very disappointed she lied to me, and that if something had gone wrong it would have been difficult for me to help, and very difficult for her to make the 'panic' phone call. She is grounded for a week (I'm bemused at those who are unable to ground their teens!).

To be honest, I'm still not sure where to go with the other parents. I rang them last night and they were out/didn't pick up - which with hindsight is just as well. I think I'm going to ask what exactly happened, and go down the 'we appear to have crossed wires, I thought you were staying' line rather than the original angry lines!

Oh and 2 bottles of wine - yes, I was angry! But knowing teens as I do, 2 multiplies into a lot more quickly! DD1 has actually confessed to drinking those, apparently they were 'gross' - bloody waste!

Thanks - from a more rational mum!

I don't think you sound controlling at all, OP, but you do sound a bit over-anxious. I think you could use this episode to realise that your daughter is actually growing up and becoming independent of you, and start to give her a bit more space and freedom. She hasnt committed the crime of the century, it was all very understandable if you put yourself in her shoes, and I would probably handle it myself with a spot of the old "I'm very disappointed in you lying to me" guilt-trip. But then I'd try and kick off a conversation about her living up to her end of a bargain to be truthful and trustworthy, and for you to cut the apron strings a bit more.

She is growing towards adulthood, and you need to start working towards a mutual respect rather than a punishment-reward system more suitable for children. I've got a 16 year old daughter myself, and that's the way I try to handle things.

Sorry, I cross-posted with you. Glad you are feeling calmer.

In an ideal world she would perhaps have rung up when the parents departed saying " Mum, I thought there were adults going to be staying here with us, but actually it'll just be the six of us teens here, so can you please come and take me home immediately". But that would be scarcely human, and I'm not sure I'd actually want a teen like that (I may have got one though, but them's the breaks).

On the upside I'm guessing that the great Hooray Clampdown makes it more difficult for teens to get alcohol in these areas than in your average town...or am I being naive?

Isn't she getting her GCSE results on Thursday? bit harsh to ground her if she is.

Had I been in possession of all the facts, there's a good chance DD1 would have still been allowed to go - I have relatives in Devon so could have given DD1 their number 'in case of emergency'.

I think this is the key point and I agree with you. At 15, she is certainly legally allowed to go camping/stay in a house by herself. However, a responsible adult should be in the background somewhere (or at least in the same country) - what if you had taken this opportunity to go to the South of France? Had you known that she would be by herself, you would probably have taken steps to ensure that there was some local adult who could be turned to in an emergency/ensured that you would be able to travel to Devon at short notice/checked that they had access to local taxi information because presumably nobody there could drive.

Having said that, I don't think there is much point in talking to the parents. If the same situation happened again next year, I suspect you might not let your daughter go as the parents seem so flakey. The year after that, as others have said, she will be almost 18 and legally an adult.

"There's a lot of rubbish on this thread.In the Uk a child can not legally leave home , get married, join the army without parental consent.
In fact the govt consider it neglectful to leave a child of 15 without a responsible adult overnight and a 16 yo for a week!"

Postolympicblues, it's you that's talking rubbish. I left home at 16, and it's perfectly legal to join the army and get married without parental permission - here in Scotland, at least. And Scotland is part of the UK. And where does the government consider it neglectful to leave a 16 year old

I think I would make the point to your DD that, at 15, if she had ended up in Casualty/at the Police Station (and this happened to me and my friends for relatively minor, innocent reasons when I was a student) they would have wanted to contact her parent/guardian/the adult in loco parentis, and in this situation no adult knew that they were responsible for her.

exoticfruits glad I am not the only parent of an extremely sarcastic teen.

Well she's fine now so no point in worrying about what could have happened. The parents are to blame not your DD.

Agentprovocateur -look it up on a legal website.Sorry i meant England and Wales, you scots are different
with reghard to the home alone stuff look at directgov ebsite.

age for leaving home without consent is 18

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Yourchildshealthandsafety/Yourchildssafetyinthehome/DG_070594

She wasn't alone though she was with 16 + year olds, so I don't think prosecution was particularly likely.

The main concern I would have is whether a bunch of teens would piss off the neighbours playing music too loudly etc etc

The home alone stuff is advice only. It even starts by asking you to consider how mature your child is and explaining that you can't have a hard and fast rule.

Haven't read the whole thread, but surely I was not alone in thinking it was going to be about the Famous Five?

Yes exactly. I can't see the parents of someone a week or two off their 16th birthday being prosecuted! Even if they were alone. Which she wasn't.

You need consent to leave home before 18 but a 16yr old can apply to a social worker for alternatives if they want to get away from their parents.

Blimey, I wouldn't let DD go on holiday on her own this early. Towards the end of sixth form, yes. But six 16 YOs on their own for a week sounds like bad news (thinks back), No it sounds like very bad news.

Towards the end of the 6th form they are an adult! They don't need your permission at all

I'm amazed at how many of you think a 16 year old going away without adults is so awful! In Scotland, it's perfectly possible to start uni at 16, as I did. Granted, it's less common now because many stay on for a sixth year, but plenty of 16 year olds still do it.

Obviously, 16 year olds have different levels of maturity, and that needs to be taken into account, but really....