AIBU to think you don't leave 6 teenagers alone for a week?!

[OtherParentsAreNuts]

Name changed to avoid trouble. This is a long saga, sorry!

A while ago DD1 (15 then, 16 now) came to me and asked if she could go on holiday with her friend, X. Apparently the deal was that X was allowed to take DD1, another girl, X's boyfriend and 2 other boys. They're all 15/16 years old. X's parents have a house in Devon, and had offered to take them all.

I was unsure, so DH and I probed a little. We were told that the house had 3 bedrooms - one for the girls, one for the boys and one for the parents. They would be allowed some freedom to go to the beach alone, and to go into the town. X's parents would drive the girls down, with the boys meeting them there. All of the kids would get the train back as X and family would go on to the South of France.

I spoke to X's mum and asked further about sleeping arrangements, views on alcohol, etc. I asked if they were crazy, taking 6 teens on holiday! She reassured me that they'd done it before, and X's older brother had often had friends round.

In the end, DH and I decided it was ok. We resigned ourselves that there might be some illicit drinking and kissing going on, but the parents would be nearby and on hand if there was an emergency.

Fast forward to July and DD1 went off. I gave her two bottles of expensive nice wine as a present for X's parents, and some cash so she could offer to pay for a dinner out or something. She came back on the train in one piece, having had a whale of a time.

Anyway, this morning I saw X's father in town. We got talking, I thanked him once again for having DD1 and said how much fun she'd had. I then jokingly asked whether he'd recovered from the sleepless nights with teenagers bouncing off the walls, keeping him up. He looked confused and said that he and X's mum had been in the South of France!!!

Turns out they dropped the kids off, packed the fridge and then left them whilst they went off straight to France. X's brother picked her up at the end of the week and drove her down to meet them.

SO MY DD1 AND 5 OTHER TEENAGERS, INCLUDING BOYS, WERE ALONE, MILES FROM HOME IN A HOUSE NEAR CLIFFS AND THE SEA! WITH AT LEAST 2 BOTTLES OF WINE!

I must have looked stunned because he quickly ran off. I went home and dragged DD1 out of bed, where she burst into floods. She claims that she didn't know that they would be left until it had happened. She claims she thought X's parents were staying. She claims that she didn't tell me as I'd have made her come home (too right!). She claims they were sensible and just hung out at the beach. I am not at all sure I believe a word of it.

She's currently grounded until at least 35. I want to go round and KILL both parents. They could have been hurt, killed, assaulted...they could have got drunk, smoked, taken drugs, had sex. I'm SO angry with DD1. It's not like her to be deceptive, but she has been. But worse, I'm so angry with the parents. You expect ADULTS to be honest and not deceive you.

I'm going over and over all the conversations with X's mum in case I wasn't clear with my questions and she might have said she was going away but I missed it. Unless I've gone insane, I know she didn't.

AIBU to go and kill them? AIBU to ground DD1 forever? AIBU to ask DD1 for a blow-by-blow account of exactly what she did? AIBU to think that you don't leave kids alone at 15/16!!

YANBU to be pissed off that the parents appear to have lied to you.

But if you'd tried to ground me at 16 for this I'd tell you where to go. Honestly you are overreacting imo. She's fine. 2 bottles between 6 people isnt going to get them drunk surely? tipsy maybe. 16 is plenty old enough to be responsible enough near both water and cliff edges.

No wonder your DD didnt tell you before as you clearly were always going to be angry. Thing is if you overreact now she may well not be upfront with you about stuff when it really, REALLY matters.

I think this is more about the parents lying to you

I would be saying to my teen as xyz parents cant tell me the truth you wont be staying round there again

Its really good all had a fan time but i think this thread would take a very doffrent turn if anything had happened to ops child yes despite being 15 is still a child

And depnding of the maurity of your child you may have decied she couldnt not go

Ots not for other parents to decied what ok for other peoples children

Its likewhen people invinte other people kids for sleep overs then go out or leave the children with some random that they didnt mention to the parents

Bang out of order

"They could have been hurt, killed, assaulted...they could have got drunk, smoked, taken drugs, had sex"

They could have done all that while the parents were in another room too.

It sounds like your daughter and her mates were sensible, and you are massively over-reacting as well.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops - woooah! When I said 'dragged her out of bed' I meant in the shouting upstairs 'get yourself down here now' sense, not in the physical way! Maybe that's an unusual turn of phrase where you are - here it's quite normal! I'd never put a finger on any of my children, so please stop those sorts of accusations. Similarly, I appreciate that at 16 you can do all those things you listed, but I damn well don't want my child doing them yet thank you. Oh and I'm an old poster who namechanged as I have friends on here too.

I'm annoyed at my DD because she DID deceive me. When she called and I asked how X's parents were, she said 'fine'. When she got back, she included them when she described going places. That IS a lie.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged, actually I think you might have a point. Knowing my DD, I bet she was pretty scared. BUT she should have told me. I think though she probably was ok. They're a reasonably sensible bunch, and I really would be surprised if she'd had sex (naive perhaps!). It's more the 'what if' scenarios that are really bothering me.

Thank God she's ok I guess. Thanks for the (mostly) helpful replies, it's calming me down a little.

I would be very angry with the parents and annoyed that dd had lied to me but would try to let it go. If she genuinely didn't know they wouldn't be there. And she is home and fine if you make a huge deal she might just dig her heels in and stop talking to you. I left home at 16 after all.

Can't you remember being 16? I think you are you definitely are being very unreasonable. I'm glad she had some fun because it doesn't sound as if you normally let her have any.

Six sensible teenagers and two bottles of wine? Doesn't sound like a crazy sex-fuelled party to me. There obviously was a misunderstanding here, and while that was unfortunate, she's just proved to you that she can take care of herself for a week, enjoy a bit of freedom and come back on time and in one piece. Grounding is unfair and counter productive. Just tell get why you're upset and forget it - she's growing up and you need to start letting go.

Dolly, there's no need to be so rude to the OP. I'm sure she's a great mum and despite my advice here I'd have the screaming abdabs internally at letting my dd1 go on a similar holiday to Cornwalll.

When it's your first time navigating this teenage shit it's fuckIng scary. Decisions/actions you take have far more reaching consequences than whether or not you go for baby led weaning or choose cloth nappies.

All's well that ends well. She had a good time and she is fine. I wouldn't be annoyed with DD-she was in rather a fix-it was a bit difficult phone up and say what had happened. It sounds as if she is generally mature and sensible and not prone to lying.
I would be annoyed with the parents-if it was more than just your misunderstanding. It is quite common for DCs to go away on holiday by themselves at that age anyway. However parents should have the choice with correct information.

I would just apologise now that you have, hopefully, calmed down, and discuss it rationally.

OP I have a 15 year old mature daughter whom I trust but I totally agree with you. Under no circumstances would I allow my daughter to go and stay with six other teenagers without adult supervision they are not always able to make the wisest decisions . As a parent you have a duty to protect you children therefore you do not allow them to be in potentially dangerous situations. i would be interest to know all the posters who thought you were being over protective how they would have felt it it was their child. As i tell my daughters I trust you implicitly but its everone else I don't trust.

they could have got drunk, smoked, taken drugs, had sex
i expect they did, but they would have done that anyway.
did you do none of that at their age then?
If you spoke to these parents and they led u to believe that the teenagers would be accompanied (if not supervised,lets be honest) then be cross with them.
agree with houseofmirth
how soon is she going off to uni? what then?

In 2 years time she can pack her bags and travel around Peru and if she has the money you can't stop her. It seems sensible to get a bit of experience in this country first.

I'd be angry.

Dot91 - I wouldn't be happy, but this is a 16 year old we are talking about. Not a 6 year old. It's a hard line to tread between giving freedom. And trying to protect. IMHO it's VITAL to try and be calm and keep lines of communication open.

Over react like that and she will certainly be secretive in the future! I agree-calmness and communication are vital.

Well, I think that you totally overreacted and that your DD knew you would blow up like that, which is why she didn't tell you.

I left home at 17yo.

At 16yo I was going on holidays with friends (and adults, as it was a Scout holiday) and would no more have suddenly started taking drugs, falling off cliffs, started smoking, drinking to excess etc than if I had been 22yo.

Yes, be angry that you were lied to but you do need to reassess your relationship with your daughter and your risk assessment.

I can see exactly why she didn't tell you and will make sure she doesn't in the future. The other parents were at fault-take it up with them.

I'd be one pissed off mama too if I found out this.
I'd go round and talk to the parents, try to stay calm and tell them how wrong they were to lie about what was going to happen. Won't do any good but it'll make you feel better.

I can't believe you didn't speak to the parents before the holiday - rule no. 1 of having teenagers is believe about half of what they say. I have learnt through experience to think very hard before leaving teenagers alone.

But no-one died, or even ended up in A and E. If it happened to my dcs I hope one of them would phone up so we knew they were alone just in case of emergency. Mine would know I would not be happy but would live with it.

It's never worth making such a fuss after the event - just learn from it for next time. And I say this as a parent of 3 teens with anxiety issues. It's hard, but it's all about balance.

I would however be very angry that they hadn't told me parents hadn't stayed - for safety, truth is very important and kids need to feel they won't get told off if they own up.

I went away for a week to brighton with friends aged 15, we were ridiculously sensible, cooked proper meals and everything!
If the parents had been there the teens would've had sex/got drunk/done drugs if they wanted to, just down on the beach rather than in the safety of a nice house!

From the OP.
I spoke to X's mum and asked further about sleeping arrangements, views on alcohol, etc. I asked if they were crazy, taking 6 teens on holiday! She reassured me that they'd done it before, and X's older brother had often had friends round.
She did talk to the Mom before the holiday and was led to believe they'd be there, I'd have assumed they would be there too from this

YANBU
I too would be angry at the other girl's parents rather than your dd.

I can sort of understand your dd's stance of "well, we're here now and I'm certainly not risking the embarrassment of my Mum coming down and dragging me off home" and then that lie sort of having to continue once she got home. Not right, but I can see how it happened.
I would be cautious about her spending time ther (sleepovers, parties, etc) in the future, and I would also phone the parents again and ask them when the plans changed and why they thought you wouldn't want to know this.