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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is over-sexualising a 7-year old?

227 replies

bigbadal · 18/08/2012 22:49

Really interested to hear people's opinions on this one....

A family member recently told me that his 7-year old daughter is 'already trying it on' with him as when he goes to kiss her goodnight she tries to kiss him on the lips rather than on the cheek. These are 'peck' kisses not anything more adult. He feels that this is her acting in a sexual fashion. Since her mother kisses both her and her younger brother goodnight on the lips I suspect it is just that she's noticed that her parents treat her differently and that she's a bit confused by this or that she is trying to show her parents equal affection.

I'm really not sure what to think. I'm fairly confident that I was kissing my father goodnight on the lips until I left home......and it certainly never EVER crossed my mind that there was anything sexual about it....that's just how it was - I kissed my parents on the lips. I know a lot of parents choose not to kiss their children on the lips for whatever reason (hygiene etc) but for this father to think his daughter is acting in a sexual way with him seems to be a bit far-fetched?

As a mother of a boy (who I kiss on the lips) I am confused. Is this a symptom of over-sexualisation of children within our society - or am I being very naive?

....sits back and waits to be flamed for admitting to kissing son on the lips and being at risk of awakening his sexuality at too young an age!

OP posts:
WorriedBetty · 20/08/2012 04:31

Oh For Fuck's Sake.

As a man, he is probably so used to being told that he is a dangerous pervert that he is VERY self conscious about this. Some of you are 'proving' he is a paedophile. You are crazy.

WorriedBetty · 20/08/2012 04:35

Also, will some of you please remember, before you go calling the CIA and starting a file and putting tin foil on your heads that 'trying it on' also means 'misbehaving' and pushing boundaries.

achillea · 20/08/2012 08:19

It would be helpful to have a better description of exactly what happened and what this family are like generally. I agree Betty it is hard to judge from a few lines in a post and that's a good point about the other meaning of 'trying it on'.

cricketballs · 20/08/2012 08:54

I think I am also going to be flamed but my initial thoughts to the original op was that whilst not vocalising it in an acceptable way that the dad is worried that the sight of his daughter kissing him on the lips will lead to false accusations....like the dads that refuse to bath their daughters on the same basis

pumpkinsweetie · 20/08/2012 09:03

If op wasn't concerned she wouldn't have needed to post on here. "trying it on" is used as a term for misbehaviour but when "trying it on" is used as a phrase in conjunction with kissing its sounds very perverted to me. If a man doesn't feel comfortable with a peck on the lips of his own daughter, i would find his motives questionable as a child of seven cannot possibly 'flirt' unless it is learnt behaviour from an adult.
Alarm bells would be ringing for most zane people as this is not normal behaviour from a father to a small child

DappyHays · 20/08/2012 09:43

monsterchild I reckon licking the passie will do the job just as well. Grin

And keep kissing DH on the lips, as you'll produce antibodies to his germs too.

SoSoMamanBebe · 20/08/2012 10:02

DD6 kissing her father on the lips weirds him out. It feels inappropriate to him. He's not a paed. He loves a cuddle and is always kissing the kids just not on the lips. To him, that is a sexual place.

Empusa · 20/08/2012 10:12

"I am not a lip kisser (except DH). Perhaps I will change my mind when my kid is here, but it's not something I will do willingly!"

I thought kissing kids on the lips was weird and thought I'd never do it, then I had DS and it just feels natural.

KellyElly · 20/08/2012 10:37

SoSoMamanBebe but I bet he doesn't think his DD is trying it on on him!!

KellyElly · 20/08/2012 10:41

WorriedBetty Read the OP He feels that this is her acting in a sexual fashion. That does not translate as he think's she is misbehaving. The OP couldn't be more clear what he means by he thinks she's trying it on on him!

SoSoMamanBebe · 20/08/2012 10:45

No, but after seeing some disney movies she has tried to kiss us in the romantic fashion and finds it funny when we deflect and can get more forceful. All stays fine but it does make DH uncomfortable and the romantic notion is (in adult terms) related to sexual. Maybe the OP's relative doesn't have the language skills to report that in correct context?

Raspberrysorbet · 20/08/2012 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryCosIWonaGold · 20/08/2012 10:48

I have not read entire thread. When I read OP, I was IMMEDIATELY worried. I have never been sexually abused. I don't know why someone would say this about their own daughter. If it made them uncomfortable, surely they would just move their head and stop kissing any children on the mouth. OP, keep your eyes glued to this situation, and the merest hint of anything else...

NotGeoffVader · 20/08/2012 12:13

I kissed my parents on the lips all their lives. I kiss my daughter (18m) on the lips. I kiss my husband on the lips. I kiss friends/inlaws on the cheek.
Never thought anything about it.

mollymole · 20/08/2012 12:59

IMO the father is wording the situation is a very strange way - he feels she is 'trying it on' 'behaving in a sexual fashion'. I would be very worried about the way this father is interpreting these actions.

minouminou · 20/08/2012 13:11

We use the term "showboating" instead of flirting. DD has suddenly turned into a mega extrovert, and the behaviour she exhibits to court attention is the same whether the audience is female, male or mixed.

It's not sexual - it's survival! "Look at me - aren't I cute....LOOK...LOOK at me....I'm so funny.....don't take your eyes off me....a wolverine might grab me! Feed me......if my mummy gets killed by a sabre-tooth tiger, will YOU look after me?" and so on.

Showboating is a nice, very descriptive and neutral word.
I'm not a fan of saying "flirting", as yes, it has other meanings, but nowadays it's sexualised. Unless it's flirting with danger, which I don't really want kids doing either!

StaceeJaxx · 20/08/2012 14:37

Blimey, I'm 34 and I still kiss both my parents on the lips, and my mum's partner, and aunts and uncles and... It's just the way we've always shown affection in our family. I didn't know it was "frowned upon". HmmConfused DSD kisses me and her dad on the lips. DD1 won't because "ewww kisses are stinky" Grin and dd2 is now going the same way.

As far as the this dad saying his daughter is "trying it on" that would have alarm bells ringing for me unfortunately.

PooPooOnMars · 20/08/2012 14:45

A lot of men who find small children sexually attractive justify it by turning the responsibility around onto the child saying they knew what they were doing or it's what they wanted.

Yeah that's what i was thinking too.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 20/08/2012 14:50

Totally agree PooPoo

Ithinkitsjustme · 20/08/2012 14:51

I kiss my 3 year old on the lips but not any of my older children now, hadn't thought about why. I don't think it matters as long as everyone is happy. I would be worried about the fathers choice of words and would be watching his behaviour and his daughter very carefully, as others have said many paedophiles excuse their behaviour by trying to blame the child in question.

PooPooOnMars · 20/08/2012 15:02

Actually, it was the 'already' in 'already trying it on' that I found particularly odd - as if he expected his daughter to 'try it on' with him at some point.

Yeah. (worried)

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 20/08/2012 15:03

Again - Totally agree PooPoo!!!

PretzelTime · 20/08/2012 15:16

Weird sexual comment from the father.
Frankly it make me worried.

KellyElly · 20/08/2012 15:30

SoSoMamanBebe as the OP said they are peck kisses, the same as you would give on the cheek, so a different situation from your DD mimicking what she saw in the film. Her dad specifially said he felt she was acting in a sexual fashion! My DD trys to grab my boobs, grabs my face and trys to give me a massive smacker on the lips, slaps my bum...all innocent, not once have I though she was being sexual in any way. My DD is only little and hopefully she will not be doing the above to me when she's 7 (well the public boob grabbing at least) but I am sure she will be still kissing me and her dad on the lips and probably still smacking our bums in fun but believe me we won't be thinking she's being sexual or trying it on because our minds do not work in a weird twisted way like that. A seven year old is an innocent child and even if they're 13,16,20 whatever their dad should still NEVER have those thoughts going through his head, I'm sorry but it's just very strange.

Original poster
bigbadal · 20/08/2012 15:39

I can't believe how contentious this has become, what with discussions over the definition of 'flirting' etc...

My concerns from the outset were very selfish - am I too 'liberal' in not seeing any issue with father-daughter lip-kisses, have they become less acceptable in a simliar fashion as mentioned in a previous post to fathers bathing daughters and that was really the question I was looking for an answer to.

I know both parents well enough to understand that they are probably not as grounded about sex as would be ideal. My concerns about the daughter (and their younger son) is related to the attitudes towards sex that are being passed on to them.

The fathers use of the word 'already' was in relation to her being mature for her age. The use of the term 'trying it on' related to his (misguided) belief that such a young child's maturity would demonstrate itself in her wanting to kiss her father on the lips....as opposed to all the other reasons I and others have mentioned for her wanting to do that.

The fact that he was happy to make that comment in front of his wife (and in fact the opinion that I got was that SHE had been the one to have commented to him about it in their own private lives) and his very obvious discomfort that his little girl was going to grow up gave me an impression of him feeling protective towards her and of being sad about the fact that he will 'lose' his little girl, not of having any immoral intentions. I really do not think that very many at all of the Dads who are protective towards their little girls and who want to protect them (in the 'no man is every going near her' way) are like that for their own sexual gain.

That said, even though I am aware that none of you can pass judgement as you do not know the people concerned, and even though my general impression of the mumsnet community is that of one determined to view men as generally evil, child-abusing, wife-beating monsters, since so many of you are convinced that there is something to worry about I will keep as close an eye on this family as is possible from the other end of the country.

OP posts: