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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is over-sexualising a 7-year old?

227 replies

bigbadal · 18/08/2012 22:49

Really interested to hear people's opinions on this one....

A family member recently told me that his 7-year old daughter is 'already trying it on' with him as when he goes to kiss her goodnight she tries to kiss him on the lips rather than on the cheek. These are 'peck' kisses not anything more adult. He feels that this is her acting in a sexual fashion. Since her mother kisses both her and her younger brother goodnight on the lips I suspect it is just that she's noticed that her parents treat her differently and that she's a bit confused by this or that she is trying to show her parents equal affection.

I'm really not sure what to think. I'm fairly confident that I was kissing my father goodnight on the lips until I left home......and it certainly never EVER crossed my mind that there was anything sexual about it....that's just how it was - I kissed my parents on the lips. I know a lot of parents choose not to kiss their children on the lips for whatever reason (hygiene etc) but for this father to think his daughter is acting in a sexual way with him seems to be a bit far-fetched?

As a mother of a boy (who I kiss on the lips) I am confused. Is this a symptom of over-sexualisation of children within our society - or am I being very naive?

....sits back and waits to be flamed for admitting to kissing son on the lips and being at risk of awakening his sexuality at too young an age!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/08/2012 11:46

And you should get some help on how to express your opinion if you feel you've got to resort to slapping someone because they're saying something you don't agree with.

itscurtains · 19/08/2012 11:48

Lying your comments are breathtaking in their ignorance. And you advocate violence at anyone who expressed concern over the man's behaviour? wow! you sound like you'd be really on the ball about your own childrens safety.
The OP doesn't sound like the man is reporting a change in her daughter, even if he was, what aspect of her behaviour do you think is sexually inviting?! Would you condone his comments if he was your dh talking about your dc? thought so.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/08/2012 11:51

I kiss dd on the lips and she's 11. Can't say I've noticed but I would imagine when/if she kisses DH that she kisses him on the lips. Nothing sexual in it at all.

itscurtains · 19/08/2012 11:59

fgs there is nothing sexually inappropriate about a 7 year old kissing their dad on the lips or vice versa. It is the behaviour of the adult who makes the situation innapropriate by choosing to sexualise the behaviour of the child. It is a fact that paedophiles acribe sexual behaviour (and therefore blame) on to the child. Its one of the stepping stones, if you like, that paedos use to justify and enable themselves to step over normal relationship boundaries into sexual abuse.

AgentZigzag · 19/08/2012 12:04

'Its one of the stepping stones, if you like, that paedos use to justify and enable themselves to step over normal relationship boundaries into sexual abuse.'

And can get a kick out of doing it in front of other people.

Most posters have agreed the man is way off the mark saying what he did, and most in a non-hysterical way.

I don't like discussions over possible abuse of children being minimised as hysteria, it's a very victorian term designed to keep a cap on womens emotions.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/08/2012 12:05

I slap nobody, ever. I have no temper whatsoever. I used it for illustration. Armchair activists are a little irritating.

The posters who leapt to conclusions are ignorant - as is everybody else on this thread to the circumstances.

I don't think the daughter's behaviour is 'sexually inviting' at all. I think the dad expressed it clumsily, probably out of concern at what he perceives is a change.

I make no assumptions about anybody else's parenting and will not be providing any information to enable you to make them about mine. Of course, that won't stop some.

pumpkinsweetie · 19/08/2012 12:06

Lying: 'hysteria'- you think a grown man accusing his 7yo of coming on to him is that of what a normal, loving father would say??Hmm

And then say you want to slap anyone who thinks differently to you?Hmm very grown up (sarcasticly not)

Empusa · 19/08/2012 12:10

This is possibly the creepiest thread I've ever read on here! 7 year old girls trying it on? Not kissing children on the lips in case the adult has performed oral sex at some point? Young children flirting? And using Freud as justification?! This is the same Freud who believed that all young boys fancy their mothers and all young girls fancy their fathers? Even his student Jung thought he was nuts!

LadySybildeChocolate · 19/08/2012 12:13

There's some very odd views on this thread. I'm in full agreement with Agent. The comments from this child's father are very worrying. Whether he intended them as a joke or was serious, it's an insight as to what's in his head and no child should be considered as 'trying it on', no matter what their behaviour is. Children learn from the images and the adults around them, she's innocent and wouldn't be aware. As I said, I'd be very worried about the father, he's seeing something which isn't there, and is admitting to finding his child's 'behaviour' as sexual. It should ring alarm bells to be honest.

AgentZigzag · 19/08/2012 12:14

The man said his seven year old was trying it on and kissing him in a sexual way Lying, if you wouldn't make a judgement about a parent who thought this because of a misguided attempt at who can be least judgemental about other peoples parenting, you need to look at how you assess the people around your children.

Seeing sexual predators behind every action would be wrong, but the mans admitted he thought his own daughter was already trying it on with him.

There's no ambiguity to base your 'His parenting has nothing to do with anyone else' on.

Childrens safety has everything to do with everyone.

itscurtains · 19/08/2012 12:15

Lying, its not hysteria. The OP was obviously worried. The man said out loud that his child was coming on to him. Like you, many people do minimise and hurry to conjure up some other reason for the man's behaviour because the obvious reason for it is too unpleasant to stomach.
God knows we've been conditioned to do it since time began! And it conveniently lets us off the hook too doesn't it?

Neither of us know the man in question but I do know what my reaction would be if a man said this out loud in front of me - and it certainly wouldn't be to slap the person in the chair opposite who went to remove her dc from the room!!

Socknickingpixie · 19/08/2012 12:15

lying. you have a very blinkered outlook if you really feel that way.

many familys where sexual abuse is an issue when it comes out (often years down the line) stuff like those sorts of comments get remembered and none abusive family members feel guilt ridden because they knew it was a weird thing to say but just decided to give the benefit of the doubt. thinking stuff like hummm but its just a weird turn of phrase.

any person who looks at any child and there behaviour as sexual is a potential sex offender

FoxyRoxy · 19/08/2012 12:15

lying I have seen such behaviour myself from men who are related to the child and have either already been abusing or gone on to abuse children. I have no pitchfork.

When my ds was younger he tried to kiss me with tongues, clearly something he'd seen. At no point did I think he was behaving in a sexual manner, he was just copying something from the tv. No parent would consider their child kissing them as sexual behaviour unless they were looking for it in the first place.

pumpkinsweetie · 19/08/2012 12:18

I think op needs to speak to the mother about what she has heard the father say.
She needs to know incase there is something underlying going on, which by what he said is a big possibility.
Children are innocent and anything they do is learnt behaviour but a kiss on the lips cannot be classified as sexual whatsoever.
Im very concerned that anyone can write his words off as wrongly said.
Any normal grownup would not accuse a child of flirting, a child does not 'flirt'

FreudianSlipper · 19/08/2012 12:26

little girls do not flirt, little boys do not flirt they may charm adults and other children by normal behaviour if anyone sees that as flirting it is worrying

i would be worried by what he said too, sadly many who are attracted to young children will claim that the child wants this, led them on etc it mayhave jsut been a bad choice of words and that he feels uncomfortable with his daughter being affectionate

ds kisses me and his dad on the lips, has taken to licking my face which i do not encourage but there is nothing sexual in it at all.

and it never croses my mind the oral sex stance how strange

Socknickingpixie · 19/08/2012 12:29

and in RL the only seriously the only people who i have ever heard make comments like that regarding a young child,have been either convicted sex offenders or ones who were at some stage going to be in the system for some type of sexual offending.

as the children get older they change from "s/hes allready trying it on with me" to "s/he wanted it" this also gets attributed towards perfectly normal age appropreate child behaviour and gets defined by the offender as some type of legit sexual relationship.

MrsHelsBels74 · 19/08/2012 12:29

The other day I kissed my 2.6 year old son on the lips & he stuck his tongue out meaning I got his tongue in my mouth? Does that mean he was trying to French kiss me? Hmm

(I'm joking by the way, I don't believe he was doing anything other than being a cheeky scamp)

FreudianSlipper · 19/08/2012 12:34

if the op did not feel uncomfortable by what was said she woudl not have posted this in the first place but she does and wanted to hear if others thought it was strange. i think just by doing that says a lot, she is not running on here saying look what i have jsut seen/heard how awful he is a terrile man i have reported him to the ss, she is understandably not sure how to deal with it

AgentZigzag · 19/08/2012 12:36

Probably because of concerns over getting a slap for being hysterical Freudian.

TheHeirOfSlytherin · 19/08/2012 12:38

My grandad would never allow us to kiss him on the lips because he always said that "children shouldn't kiss old men and old men shouldn't kiss children." So we kissed him on the cheek instead. As a child i never even realised that he was trying to teach us what was or wasn't acceptable behaviour from an adult, I just thought he didn't want us all sharing germs! Grin

I kiss my mum/nan/dc on the lips though.

SmellsLikeWhiteSpirit · 19/08/2012 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tara0202 · 19/08/2012 12:58

Shock a father told you his 7 year old daughter was "trying it on already" by kissing him goodnight on the lips? Shock

Wfaf?????

This would REALLY concern me op.

A. Of course its not sexual to kiss your kids (or any other adult in my opinion if its a peck!) on the lips.

B. His comment sounds like something an abuser would say.

Original poster
bigbadal · 19/08/2012 13:18

Context was a discussion about how quickly this little girl is growing up (she is heading towards an early puberty). Her mother was involved in the discussion. Mother was raised in a family environment where anything sex-related was unspoken off or referred to as 'dirty' etc. I suspect that the origins of the father not kissing the girl on the lips come from the mother. My discomfort came more from the fact that this family didn't think it appropriate for fathers to kiss daughters on the lips....and from the father's misinterpretation of the little girl's desire to show equal love to both parents as being a sign of some sort of early signs of sexual maturity. I think that any problems are in the parents' heads in terms of their attitudes towards sex.

I know that I can't be certain that nothing is going on, however, of my two concerns, I am more concerned about the young girl's developing attitude towards sex, rather than that there is any likelihood of physical abuse. At present the girl seems to have a good relationship with her father and continues to enjoy 'rough and tumble' games etc with him. I will keep an eye out for any changes in behaviour and thank you all for your concern on this matter.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 19/08/2012 13:25

InneedofBrandy you are right Freud did write about young girls having sexual thoughts about their fathers. he was so shocked by the sexual abuse that his (mainly women) patients had claimd to have suffered from their fathers, people who Freud looked up to professional upper class that he so desired to be part of (beign jewish he would never be accepted) that he could nto beleive this was actaully happening so put it down to his patients fantasies

sexual abuse witin families was not spoken or acknowledged within many families it was just somethign that went on and never dealt with :( sadly this still happens far too often

lisaro · 19/08/2012 13:30

Trying it on ALREADY? Fuck me, what age would it be appropriate then?
Sorry OP but this is classic abuse apology at work. Blaming the child. I'd be considering reporting this to social services. Please note; considering. I don't know these people as you do.