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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is over-sexualising a 7-year old?

227 replies

bigbadal · 18/08/2012 22:49

Really interested to hear people's opinions on this one....

A family member recently told me that his 7-year old daughter is 'already trying it on' with him as when he goes to kiss her goodnight she tries to kiss him on the lips rather than on the cheek. These are 'peck' kisses not anything more adult. He feels that this is her acting in a sexual fashion. Since her mother kisses both her and her younger brother goodnight on the lips I suspect it is just that she's noticed that her parents treat her differently and that she's a bit confused by this or that she is trying to show her parents equal affection.

I'm really not sure what to think. I'm fairly confident that I was kissing my father goodnight on the lips until I left home......and it certainly never EVER crossed my mind that there was anything sexual about it....that's just how it was - I kissed my parents on the lips. I know a lot of parents choose not to kiss their children on the lips for whatever reason (hygiene etc) but for this father to think his daughter is acting in a sexual way with him seems to be a bit far-fetched?

As a mother of a boy (who I kiss on the lips) I am confused. Is this a symptom of over-sexualisation of children within our society - or am I being very naive?

....sits back and waits to be flamed for admitting to kissing son on the lips and being at risk of awakening his sexuality at too young an age!

OP posts:
Inneedofbrandy · 18/08/2012 23:35

Oh and yes I wouldn't let them eat off of anybodys hands, holding hands is taking the piss don't you think?

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 18/08/2012 23:35

Dear god, My MIL kisses me on the lips! Is she trying to have her wicked way with me?! Shock

FutTheShuckUp · 18/08/2012 23:35

Just shows brandy it's your interpretation of flirting that is wrong- hardly surprising with your gem about lip kisses and oral sex

Original poster
bigbadal · 18/08/2012 23:43

I have never said 'flirt' is not related to sex. I have said that, as with many other words in our language, it has multiple definitions not all of which are related to sex. A similar word could be 'cheesey' - meaning 'of or relating to cheese' or 'cringeworthy' - now clearly you can tell the intended meaning of these from context. 'Flirt' is more tricky.

We do have to be careful in our use of words in terms of knowing what is being meant.

PeanutMD - the animal was using the word in a way that is entirely inappropriate about children and I can understand why you feel uncomfortable with the word.

As I have said before children DO NOT flirt in a sexual way - any suggestion that they do is thoroughly inappropriate.

They do court attention and it is not an incorrect use of language to describe that courting of attention as flirting.

The fact that perfectly upright people using the term upsets some people is more of an issue in those people's heads than in the head of the person using the term. WorraLiberty - as you say, you were aware that the person talking to you was not referring to sexual flirting.

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 18/08/2012 23:47

who's your mamma now while withering up the doorframe

^^^ this particular exampler is an example of sexual behaviours tantamount to poledancing. You could have used anything but the choice of this example makes me bloody certain that regardless of you backing off the comment now (using ops dictionary definition get out) sexual flirtation is what you meant albeit "unaware" as you stated.

Oh and my Muslim in laws eat and prepare food with their hands, would you not go round just in case one had been at it?

ok actually made myself gip a bit there

wellwisher · 18/08/2012 23:47

I definitely think kissing on the lips is sexual! not that the 7yo means anything sexual by it of course, but I wouldn't do it to a child or to a friend - that's what cheeks are for! My DPs were always very affectionate with me but there was no lip kissing in our family - it actually makes me squirm to think of it. I would freak out (inwardly) if someone I wasn't romantically involved with kissed me on my mouth. Yuck.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 18/08/2012 23:50

It has never occurred to me that someone might not want their dc to kiss them on the lips.

I kiss my mum and my sister on the lips, is that odd?

cheesesarnie · 18/08/2012 23:55

op- I didn't mean about the dads issues in that way (in a baddie way) i meant it in a maybe that's how he was brought up way, maybe he was told that kissing on the lips was forbidden because its sexual.

brandy- if your daughter is acting in a so called flirting manner or sexual way after watching certain programmes, don't let her watch them!

agree that children don't flirt.

Freud is interesting with his study of little Hans but many facts about the case weren't taken into account so is inclusive verging on bollocks.

janji · 18/08/2012 23:55

Until I read this thread it had never entered my mind that kissing my dc on the lips could ever be thought of as anything but the norm?
As a family who have never been at all prudish with our children, my ds and dd would never ever think there was anything other than normal about giving a peck on the lips.

wellwisher · 18/08/2012 23:55

It never occurred to me that anyone WOULD kiss on the lips if not sexually involved with the other person! All the times people have done it to me and I've been secretly mortified/freaked out and now it turns out it wasn't accidental, they just thought it was normal! ugh! Shock

Just to be clear, I think ascribing any kind of sexual motive to a 7yo is icky and wrong so OP, on that, YANBU.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 18/08/2012 23:57

Well i have learnt something tonight.

rhondajean · 19/08/2012 00:00

I don't kiss my children on the lips because I find it kind of icky which I think it a remnant of my mother and upbringing. Not in a sexual way, in a germy way.

But I would never think anything of someone less repressed than I am doing it.

I would however be concerned at anyone saying their daughter or any seven year old is trying it on - my dd2 is 7 at the moment and can't get enou of cuddles and physical attention from me and DH but there is absolutely nothing sexual in her behaviour.

WilsonFrickett · 19/08/2012 00:07

Wow.

Just wow.

The family member who thinks his DD is trying it on - is to me a massive red flag. Huge red flag. That really worries me tbh.

I'm not even getting into the flirting chat.

peanutMD · 19/08/2012 00:09

I actually think its quite sad that a parent would not kiss their child on the lips due to germs or the fact that this is only a sexual activity.

Do you actually tell your child no if they try to kiss you? My family is very hands off but it would never occur to any of us to refuse a small child Hmm

TheonlyWayisGerard · 19/08/2012 00:12

Yes, because Freud had perfectly normal ideas. Oedipus complex anyone? ineed your comments have made me feel a bit sick. Little girls do not flirt. They do nothing that can or should be construed as sexual. Urgh.
Kissing on the lips is fine. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't kiss my Grandad one last time before he died, and I was about 14.

Inneedofbrandy · 19/08/2012 00:16

I would assume any food prep hands would have been washed first? That is not about hand jobs that basic hygiene. I wouldn't eat from anybodys house who I felt didn't do that.

I did not go and use any dictionary definition and I have not backed off what I said. I used that example as it was something she had done today, to try and put my point about "flirting" attention courting copying behaviour which I would say is normal.

cheesesarnie I wasn't posting asking for parenting advise but thankyou with a PA Smile and as for Freud I feel he made significant advance in understanding human psychology.

I actually hate my family members hugging or kissing me, only people I can hug and kiss is DP and DC so I find it all quite strange that people like kissing their mums and dads let alone on the lips. But hey diff strokes for diff folks.

Birdsgottafly · 19/08/2012 00:19

"My family is very hands off but it would never occur to any of us to refuse a small child"

It wouldn't be a refusal just a redirection to the cheek.

peanutMD · 19/08/2012 00:31

Oh okay birds I see, I had visions of a "no, you don't do that" situation :)

TheDreadedFoosa · 19/08/2012 00:32

Brandy - when you said 'little girls do flirt', bollocks did you intend 'flirt' to mean 'wants attention'.

Because otherwise what possible relevance did the comment have on this thread? A thread about some weirdo saying his 7yo daughter was 'trying it on with him'?

Inneedofbrandy · 19/08/2012 00:34

Erm Hmm did you not read my post further down saying thats what I was trying to say but the poster put it more eloquently?
Please don't take what I said out of context.

AgentZigzag · 19/08/2012 00:36

'as for Freud I feel he made significant advance in understanding human psychology.'

Yeah he made significant advances - nearly a hundred years ago.

Things have moved on a tad since then, he's just used as an example to point out the limitations in his extraordinarily simplistic theories now.

I can't believe you're using him as a benchmark for typical behaviour.

TheDreadedFoosa · 19/08/2012 00:39

Yes, i saw that. Irrelevant.

Forget the subsequent discussion your flirting post led to, if you didnt mean flirting in the romantic/sexual sense then it has absolutely no relevance to ANYTHING on this thread. None.

I can see why you want to backtrack though.

FoxyRoxy · 19/08/2012 00:43

Huge red flag, a dad saying his 7yo is trying it on. Next it'll be her fault he sexually abused her because she was "asking for it". No, it's really wrong.

My 11yo ds kisses me on the lips. I kiss my mum on the lips and I'm in my 30's. Nothing odd at all about it if both parties are comfortable with it.

NameChangeGalore · 19/08/2012 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePigOnTheWall · 19/08/2012 07:33

It's the dad with the problem, not the 7yo. "trying it on"?!?!

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