To be fed up with my mother

[Netguru]

Long post to try to avoid drip feeding.

Ten years ago my then husband and I decided to add in an annex to our home to rent out for extra income. Finding out about our plans, my mother who lived locally asked if she could move into it and, in return, allow me to rent her house out instead. Whilst the rent would even itself out, she would benefit from no bills and security and I would benefit from child care. She was then 62.

My husband and I divorced and I remarried, buying a new house with my new partner (now husband). He took on the dog, three kids (then 18, 11 and 9) and my mother - who expressed a wish to move with us. We found a house with a small annex (18ft by 10 ft) and said we would enlarge it as and when we could afford to.

Paying the bills for mum turned into two newish cars, various holidays, sky, phone etc. She got older and was in pain from a bad back, so she looked after the children less and less, often resorting to taking them to McDonald for tea rather than cooking a meal - or leaving the eldest to sort out things for the two younger ones (now 21, 13 and 10). Swimming lessons were 'too difficult' driving 5 miles to school 'too expensive on petrol' so a credit card was provided for that.

Her friends come to see her, I leave them alone. People come to see us and she trundles over, uninvited, and sits down in the middle of the conversation. I know she liked the company but she has clearly forgotten that there need to be boundaries.

It felt like we were paying more and more with mum doing less and less. She was moaning to sll her freinds that she was tired and the children were too much work yet she wouldn't do anything but the minimum eith them no baths, no homework, no clubs. I get home at 8pm when I work so her reluctance means that none of this gets done at all. So bad have been thinking about quitting work for a while.

She was getting older and more frail so I could live with

So why the post?

She is a mild hoarder and her flat got more and more crammed with stuff. I have not been allowed up there for months and she knew I would be irritated at the mess. I don't want her to throw away her memories or keepsakes but I don't see why she needs tubs of used batteries, piles of cardboard boxes or three bloody washing up bowls in a room with one sink. Even so, that is her business - or it would have been if she was happy but she wasn't. So we've blown our savings getting the place extended - more space to fill with crap. Hoping it would make her happy and stop the constant 'poor me' routine.

No such luck. She phoned me at work today to say she was going to buy another tv. The building work is not yet finished, the garage is full of her stuff, her flat is full, the new extension isn't finished. I can't pay my credit card bill this month because of the work, yet she was going to go and buy a 2nd tv which doesn't even have a room to go in to. It's a small thing I know - but I snapped.

Why now? I'm trying to juggle builders, decorators, get carpets done when you can't even see the floor in the place and she not only wants to buy more but has to call me at work about it and then act all hurt when I say wait a few days.

I am tired of being the adult. I am tired of saying no. I am tired of being the bad guy.

Before I snapped today I have tried to talk to her. I'm pretty useless at confrontation and she is even worse. 'Please give me a little privacy in my home' is interpreted as 'we don't want you'. 'Please stop moaning about us to everyone' is 'we are ungrateful'

I know we benefit from having another adult in the house. Going back to the original agreement, we made it on the basis that all would be better off - not just financially but in every way. I feel I have done my bit but she has done less and less and is also unhappy.

I need her to take one child to school each day, cook something for the two of them at night, sit while they do their homework (twice a week) and make sure the boy has a bath occasionally. If a childminder/au pair agreed to do these basic things and then didn't I'd give them notice.

What on earth do I do?

Mediation?

Poor you

It does sound as if she is equally unhappy, although perhaps scared at the thought of independent living again. You mentioned an au pair, would you have space for one (as well as your mother) to remove the 'burden' of helping you and allow you both to return to more independent lives (I realise she'd be under your roof, but it might be easier to redraw the lines and justify not paying for phones & cars etc)

Otherwise you may have to discuss ending the arrangement. Which will be horrible but may save your relationship in the long term perhaps?

YANBU

Wow. You've gone to some extremes to keep your mum happy. She sounds like she's being very childish. I presume that when you were younger your mum would set certain house rules and expect them to be followed? She needs to acknowledge that this is no longer the situation and that you are now 'in charge', but how you go about doing that when she's being unreasonable I don't know.

Good luck .

She isn't an employee, she's your mother. The power relationship is all wrong and it would a very very rare mother/daughter pair that could make an arrangement like this work.

Am I right that you are getting the rent from her old house? Could you accept that that is recompense enough for having her, and forget about her "working" for you? Your youngest is 10, not a baby, surely the older two could marshal him and do the little that needs doing with him?

The other option is to perhaps ask her to move back to her own place? Although I'm guessing that would lead to a huge rift.

It sounds as if it has gone past the point of no return!

She´s 72 now & still expected to look after your children-who are how old now?

It is completed ridiculous that you´ve extended again because she hoards!

If you´re all unhappy-can you give tenants notive so that she can move home?

Or sell the house to fund the etention & free up some cash for her?

Good grief!

I can usually spell & write coherently!

How old is your mother now-sounds like unworkable arrangement tbh. ..no advice but you've my sympathy

At 13 my DD was looking after the other two younger siblings and if the 21 year old still lives at home you shouldn't have to cook at all if you don't want to.

The other problems seem to be common as parents get older. I know they happened when my Dad was living with my sister particularly the privacy aspect.

Not sure how to sort it out really- my sister just gritted her teeth and got on with things but that's not much help to you. Sorry.

But she's not an au pair, she's your mother - or was all that part of the arraignment when she originally came to live with you?

I think you were foolish to extend to allow her more room to hoard, but also understand why you did it.

You both sound miserable to be honest. Can you sit down and have a proper discussion with her about all of this? It won't be pretty, but its the only way things will change.

One thing to do is remove the credit card you gave her (presumably on your bank account).

It sounds as if she has become 'old'. I have a friend who is 73 and is an unpaid TA at the local primary school. She loves it and the children love her. She is a doer, is a member of the U3A (would your mother be interested in that?), attends a book club, goes off on holidays with a couple of friends .....

Thanks all. I realise I've got into a difficult situation.

The child care was part of the agreement. Never full time, never that burdensome but light duties like driving and cooking tea. I guess I always new that one day she would get to old to do it, but to be honest she isn't incapable she just doesn't see why she has to.

Home now after another 13 hour day. Husband has spoken to her and she simply can't see why I have a problem.

No advice but I just wanted to say that I admire your patience and I think you have been incredibly generous.

So you're earning money from the rental of her house, increased the value of your own house by extending it, you're getting free childcare and you're pissed off the your 72 year old mother with a bad back isn't pulling her weight? And what 21, 13 or 10 year old needs bathing?
I'm sorry I think YABU.
I understand you have been generous too in sharing your home, but which part of this was unexpected?

How old were the children when your mum moved in?

What share of the childcare did she do?

Bearing in mind that she started at 62.

Your mum is 72, and your children are well old enough to sort out their homework, getting to school, and bathing themselves. They should be helping to look after her ffs!!

as for "I feel I have done my bit but she has done less and less and is also unhappy."

She is getting elderly, of course she is going to do "less and less". It will happen to you one day as well.

Why not sell her old house?

I would say if she isn't happy to do childcare any more then she needs to start contributing to the bills - to me part of the deal with her not paying bills was that she would also help out. You should also stop paying for all her extras - car etc - and use the cash to pay for external childcare. she can't have it all ways.

First of all I would google reasons for hoarding,and see which sort of hoarder your mum is.There are psychological reasons for hoarding,and this may give you an insight as to how to proceed.

statistically, the OP gets the rent every month from her mothers house. These days that isnt going to be peanuts. The amount of childcare required from looking after a newborn and a toddler has gone down a lot though..or should have. So that would "balance it out" too.

My mother lives with me, my husband and 2 children so i know how hard it can be.
As my mum is disabled and needs looking after herself she cant do anything to help by cooking a meal or giving the kids a lift somewhere.

I think as lovely as the original plan sounded you forgot to fact in the fact your mum would get older. She is now 72 and has a bad back but then your children are also older so dont need running around after. If you are finding it hard cooking meals then get the kids to cook on a night each.

If she hoards then take the building work as a good excuse to have a clear out of junk. I had 3 skip fulls to clear out when my mum moved in with us and yet i still have more stored in the garage.
And if you have friends coming round be straight with her that you want her to stay in her annex for the duration.

It is never easy living 3 generations in one house but it can also be very rewarding.

Also, what hours is the husband working & what does he do to help?

Which child needs to be taken to school still?

What does the 21yr old do to help?

Yes Squeaky, but the OP said at the start that the rent she would have got for the annexe, and for her mother's house, was the same - so she didn't make any extra money from her mums rent. So I see it as the rent is kind of a neutral issue, and the bills her mum saved were balanced out by the childcare costs that OP saved.

I cant see how the rent for a house would be equal to the rent for an annex.

I think your mum sounds a bit like an employee by how you refer to her. Perhaps that's how she feels. If I were in that situation I would feel trapped and taken for granted. Parents do get older and often you end up looking after them one way or another.

Just talk to her and ask her what she wants, does she want to help out on a daily basis with the kids? Maybe she would just be happy doing it once in a while or in an emergency, and would be happy to contribute to bills instead. Help her sort through/clear out her stuff. Get an au pair if you need more regular help.

When I was 11 my grandad moved in with us. He was looking after me but I was looking after him too.

me neither cantspel.. perhaps if childcare costs (back then) were factored in.. but not now