Long post to try to avoid drip feeding.
Ten years ago my then husband and I decided to add in an annex to our home to rent out for extra income. Finding out about our plans, my mother who lived locally asked if she could move into it and, in return, allow me to rent her house out instead. Whilst the rent would even itself out, she would benefit from no bills and security and I would benefit from child care. She was then 62.
My husband and I divorced and I remarried, buying a new house with my new partner (now husband). He took on the dog, three kids (then 18, 11 and 9) and my mother - who expressed a wish to move with us. We found a house with a small annex (18ft by 10 ft) and said we would enlarge it as and when we could afford to.
Paying the bills for mum turned into two newish cars, various holidays, sky, phone etc. She got older and was in pain from a bad back, so she looked after the children less and less, often resorting to taking them to McDonald for tea rather than cooking a meal - or leaving the eldest to sort out things for the two younger ones (now 21, 13 and 10). Swimming lessons were 'too difficult' driving 5 miles to school 'too expensive on petrol' so a credit card was provided for that.
Her friends come to see her, I leave them alone. People come to see us and she trundles over, uninvited, and sits down in the middle of the conversation. I know she liked the company but she has clearly forgotten that there need to be boundaries.
It felt like we were paying more and more with mum doing less and less. She was moaning to sll her freinds that she was tired and the children were too much work yet she wouldn't do anything but the minimum eith them no baths, no homework, no clubs. I get home at 8pm when I work so her reluctance means that none of this gets done at all. So bad have been thinking about quitting work for a while.
She was getting older and more frail so I could live with
So why the post?
She is a mild hoarder and her flat got more and more crammed with stuff. I have not been allowed up there for months and she knew I would be irritated at the mess. I don't want her to throw away her memories or keepsakes but I don't see why she needs tubs of used batteries, piles of cardboard boxes or three bloody washing up bowls in a room with one sink. Even so, that is her business - or it would have been if she was happy but she wasn't. So we've blown our savings getting the place extended - more space to fill with crap. Hoping it would make her happy and stop the constant 'poor me' routine.
No such luck. She phoned me at work today to say she was going to buy another tv. The building work is not yet finished, the garage is full of her stuff, her flat is full, the new extension isn't finished. I can't pay my credit card bill this month because of the work, yet she was going to go and buy a 2nd tv which doesn't even have a room to go in to. It's a small thing I know - but I snapped.
Why now? I'm trying to juggle builders, decorators, get carpets done when you can't even see the floor in the place and she not only wants to buy more but has to call me at work about it and then act all hurt when I say wait a few days.
I am tired of being the adult. I am tired of saying no. I am tired of being the bad guy.
Before I snapped today I have tried to talk to her. I'm pretty useless at confrontation and she is even worse. 'Please give me a little privacy in my home' is interpreted as 'we don't want you'. 'Please stop moaning about us to everyone' is 'we are ungrateful'
I know we benefit from having another adult in the house. Going back to the original agreement, we made it on the basis that all would be better off - not just financially but in every way. I feel I have done my bit but she has done less and less and is also unhappy.
I need her to take one child to school each day, cook something for the two of them at night, sit while they do their homework (twice a week) and make sure the boy has a bath occasionally. If a childminder/au pair agreed to do these basic things and then didn't I'd give them notice.
What on earth do I do?