To be fed up with my mother

[Netguru]

Long post to try to avoid drip feeding.

Ten years ago my then husband and I decided to add in an annex to our home to rent out for extra income. Finding out about our plans, my mother who lived locally asked if she could move into it and, in return, allow me to rent her house out instead. Whilst the rent would even itself out, she would benefit from no bills and security and I would benefit from child care. She was then 62.

My husband and I divorced and I remarried, buying a new house with my new partner (now husband). He took on the dog, three kids (then 18, 11 and 9) and my mother - who expressed a wish to move with us. We found a house with a small annex (18ft by 10 ft) and said we would enlarge it as and when we could afford to.

Paying the bills for mum turned into two newish cars, various holidays, sky, phone etc. She got older and was in pain from a bad back, so she looked after the children less and less, often resorting to taking them to McDonald for tea rather than cooking a meal - or leaving the eldest to sort out things for the two younger ones (now 21, 13 and 10). Swimming lessons were 'too difficult' driving 5 miles to school 'too expensive on petrol' so a credit card was provided for that.

Her friends come to see her, I leave them alone. People come to see us and she trundles over, uninvited, and sits down in the middle of the conversation. I know she liked the company but she has clearly forgotten that there need to be boundaries.

It felt like we were paying more and more with mum doing less and less. She was moaning to sll her freinds that she was tired and the children were too much work yet she wouldn't do anything but the minimum eith them no baths, no homework, no clubs. I get home at 8pm when I work so her reluctance means that none of this gets done at all. So bad have been thinking about quitting work for a while.

She was getting older and more frail so I could live with

So why the post?

She is a mild hoarder and her flat got more and more crammed with stuff. I have not been allowed up there for months and she knew I would be irritated at the mess. I don't want her to throw away her memories or keepsakes but I don't see why she needs tubs of used batteries, piles of cardboard boxes or three bloody washing up bowls in a room with one sink. Even so, that is her business - or it would have been if she was happy but she wasn't. So we've blown our savings getting the place extended - more space to fill with crap. Hoping it would make her happy and stop the constant 'poor me' routine.

No such luck. She phoned me at work today to say she was going to buy another tv. The building work is not yet finished, the garage is full of her stuff, her flat is full, the new extension isn't finished. I can't pay my credit card bill this month because of the work, yet she was going to go and buy a 2nd tv which doesn't even have a room to go in to. It's a small thing I know - but I snapped.

Why now? I'm trying to juggle builders, decorators, get carpets done when you can't even see the floor in the place and she not only wants to buy more but has to call me at work about it and then act all hurt when I say wait a few days.

I am tired of being the adult. I am tired of saying no. I am tired of being the bad guy.

Before I snapped today I have tried to talk to her. I'm pretty useless at confrontation and she is even worse. 'Please give me a little privacy in my home' is interpreted as 'we don't want you'. 'Please stop moaning about us to everyone' is 'we are ungrateful'

I know we benefit from having another adult in the house. Going back to the original agreement, we made it on the basis that all would be better off - not just financially but in every way. I feel I have done my bit but she has done less and less and is also unhappy.

I need her to take one child to school each day, cook something for the two of them at night, sit while they do their homework (twice a week) and make sure the boy has a bath occasionally. If a childminder/au pair agreed to do these basic things and then didn't I'd give them notice.

What on earth do I do?

Ha ha - well it does prove people can look at things in so many ways.

All the rent I've received has been spent on her and more. I would have rented out the original annex remember - the rent is not extra. It was all her idea too.

If she moved out she would be poor and lonely - and I don't want that. If she would agree to sort out the junk (or let me help do it) that would work too.

For those who say that their 10 year old can be left alone and trusted to cook and self monitor, when mum is 80 miles away at work - well sorry I don't agree. My 21 year old is at university - coming home to start work 50 miles away. I need some help in the house - we have a housekeeper three times a week - no housework is needed just adult supervision which is well within my mother's capabilities. It is not a case of bathing the 10 year old - just calling to him and reminding him that if you let go of an x box controller it is not the end of the world.

I just want to stop being the bad person. I can't do a 40 hour week in 3 days plus look after three generations and a husband with a 100 hour a week job. It is not working. As I said, if Mum was incapable that would be fine - but she simply cannot be arsed and that was not what we agreed either 10 years ago - or three years ago when she indicated that she wanted to move with us again.

I am deeply depressed by it all.

I do not regard Mum as an employee. I do however believe that when people make an agreement then they should, if they can, stick to it. I have not only stuck to my side of the bargain but I genuinely want her to be happy and am utterly sick of the moaning.

But it's her life as well. She's spent ten years looking after your children, maybe she's had enough. I certainly would have had enough after doing it the first time round.

Maybe you and your husband should rethink your work life balance as well, though I know it isn't easy at the moment.

People should stick to an agreement, but also their circumstances change, and sometimes they aren't very good at knowing what is wrong or what they can do to change it.

Well speak to her about sorting the junk. Be clear that anything she keeps she must have a space for in her annex.
Tell your son when you expect him to have a bath, at 10 he should be able to remember that is is to bath each night or every other.

You might not be making money out of her home but you are retaining an asset that can be sold. You cannot sell an annex unless you sell the whole house.

Looks like things have just been allowed to drift and you need to speak to your mum about her junk and your son about bathing without someone having to shut off the xbox first.

One last thing for those who are doing sums on my part - the rent on a one bedroom annex or two bedroom house which was in a poor state were the same bar £25 a month. Frankly, the money equation is not really an issue - it's just I have ended up forking out more and more - and getting more and more grief.

Do you think your mum has some mental health issues?It may not be so easy to spot them when you are seeing her on a daily basis.What do other relatives say about the whole situation?

Interesting point. I do wonder if she is clinically depressed but she has resisted talking to the GP about it. I talked to her best friend today who said 'your mother, bless her, is one of the laziest people I know'.

Maybe the work / life balance needs adjusting? Can't be great rushing with work etc, trying to fit it all in. 100 hours seems a lot for your DH on a continuous basis. Could you discuss things calmly with your Mother and your DH, maybe sell your Mother's house and cut back on your hours a little. your mother would have her own money etc... Just trying to fling suggestions out. I hope you can resolve it OP.

I agree with Marysbeard - you sound like you need to sort out your work life balance. You sound very stressed and unable to see a way out of this.

It sounds as if the situation is not working for any of you, so it needs to be changed. Maybe you could get childcare rather than rely on your mum.
If living together is not making you happy, it would not be unreasonable for you to change things. It sounds as if the state your mum is getting her annexe into is not acceptable for you. (I would hate it too). You need to think seriously about alternatives, such as your mum living close to you but not with you.

It sounds like you need a complete break as well - you seem exhausted. Maybe take a holiday and think things through. You can change this situation. You don't have to feel guilty about it.

She's 72 and not in good health particularly.
I don't think you appreciate that with the best will in the world you can't hold her to the original agreement because circumstances have changed.
Hoarding is surprisingly common amongst older people (hope it never happens to me!) and expecting her to have a clear-out (or allowing you to have one) may well be unrealistic.

I think you and your husband (and later your mum) need to sit down and examine all your circumstances and options because she's never going to be able to do what you are wanting.

It sounds like the mother daughter relationship here has switched a bit.....my mother lived with my husband and I for 3 years when she was severely depressed and it was horrendous....I snapped in the end after her behaviour towards me got intolerable, on the one hand she wanted her own space and I was trying to help her get towards that but on the other she was too frightened and this petchalent teenager surfaced. Only when we moved and she got her own place away from us and near her old friends did she finally really improve.

I think it's very hard living with family like you are here, and for 10 years you've done it! Well done really. Some may give you a hard time for your post but personally, having been in a similar situation I do understand how suffocating it can be.

You need to spell it out to her a bit but be careful not to make her feel unwelcome.

OP, How long did you forsee your mother helping with childcare, light housework etc when the arrangement started? (Ie: when your mother was 62?)

The problem with these things is that they never end up the way they started. People change, people get older, children get more demanding and parents get more stressed. It always moves on from the original agreements.

Personally I think you should ask your mum if she wants to go back to her own house and you can then rent out the annex as originally planned. Then sort out your childcare arrangements with minders/nannys or whatever.

The alternative is her agreeing to a new set of rules which include decluttering and privacy. Either way you have to sort it out, it cant just be left until someone blows their top.

I live with my mum and my DC, it is fine now but I do wonder when, more than if, I will become a carer.
I think you are doing a great job. You need to set boundaries for your own health. Easier said than done I know.
Good luck.

"'your mother, bless her, is one of the laziest people I know'. "

I won´t be running around doing much when I´m 72-if I get to that- & tbh I think I´ll be entitled not to!

You've got yourself AND your husband into unmanageable debt, and blown savings to satisfy your mother's whims? And he's ok with this? God you've found a keeper there.

Totally agree with nokids suggestions. You obviously really care for your mother but the situation has become unworkable. maybe ask her if she is happy with current situation and take it from there?

72 or not, how much effort does it really take to tell your grandson to get his homework out and get on with it? Or to say "Come on, it's bathtime, put the controller down and get up there and have your bath?" Because it sounds to me that that's the sort of thing that's being expected of her, so frankly, her friend's assessment sounds fair ( "your mother, bless her, is one of the laziest people I know'. " ).

lol. No we're not in unmanageable debt - thank goodness. Just tight having forked out £10,000 to a builder this week.

Whereyouleftit You seem to get it. I do know she is old. I am making allowances. I guess I would like a few made for me sometimes.

OK - I'm a snivelling mess of self pity at the moment - Ignore me. I need sleep and all will be fresh tomorrow - until I start painting the annex ;)

I think it's hard to understand how difficult living with a parent in your home can be. I love my DF but sometimes I don't really like him. Like when he just walks into my home, 'borrows' my car keys without asking, 'borrows' my eggs. moans about his lot here to anyone who'll listen, forgets things he has agreed to do or comments on our parenting choices. However he will do anything I ask of him and he's my DF. He is 68 and helps out a lot with 2yo DD - part of our agreement.

I appreciate your DM is getting older but somethings got to give. I would have another conversation with her. Discuss your arrangement again and what she feels it should entail. Stop the credit card, do the spring clean yourself and stick to your own boundaries.

When DF walks in now I say 'Can I help you?', I write him a monthly list of the things we have agreed (at his request when we talked things over), when he takes the keys I say 'Did you want to borrow the car?' - things are improving.

So she´s not even telling the kids to do the stuff that they need to do?

That's right. Not much actually needs actually doing - but I need a marshall on my side.

She locked the door to the annex last night. So I couldn't carry on building furniture or painting downstairs. I have a key of course but respect her privacy. Hasn't stopped me fuming about it all night though.

Husband being extremely diplomatic and supportive.

Still don't know whether to stick my head in the sand and carry on, or have a huge bust up.

If you can afford to spend an extra 10 grand on building work then you can afford to cut back your hours at work and look after your own children imo...

Whether or not your mum is a lazy moo is not the issue-you chose to let her live with you not once but twice as it suited you financially and for childcare-but now your mum doesnt want to do it anymore...

Tbh I dont blame her-the amount of gps I know who are quite frankly far too old to be full time childcare for their gcs and who look exhausted trying to cope is terrible.

I am amazed that you found not one but two men who agreed to this arrangement!!-hell would freeze over before I moved my mum or mil in.....

Don't be silly. Those of us who are salaried can't cut down hours. I either quit work and lose my salary which is a darn sight more than the cost of building work or I carry on working. There is no middle ground in my job and no prospect of a career change either.

Funny thing is, if my mother posted on here....

Aibu? My daughter wants to rent out part of her home. I want to rent it instead but I also want her to pay for my holidays, my cars, my utility bills, sky tv etc and also enlarge the flat as whilst it is big enough for a couple I want more storage space.

She has agreed but wants me to drive one child to school, and act as the adult in the house when she is not there - supervising meal times and homework as and when necessary. I think this is unreasonable. My WI meetings, my coffee mornings and trips away with friends are very tiring and I really don't want to do any more.

I raised my child (although I couldn't be bothered to cook or clean then either) and don't see why I should do it again. I didn't want my mother living with me when she was old and cross but I'm different and my daughter should realise that.

Ok. I'm crosser than I should be. When she first asked I agree I saw advantages but the biggest motivation was to ensure she was happy. Nothing makes her happy.