To refuse to go? (enormously long, sorry, but I didn't want to drip feed)

[Some0ne]

We're going away to stay with DH's family at his parents' holiday home. DH's entire family (his 5 siblings, their OHs and kids ranging from 14 to 2 weeks) will be there. We were told a meal out was being booked because it's the first time everyone's been together down there in years, so it's a biggish deal.

It turns out that the meal is booked for 7pm, and 3 babysitters have been booked to look after the kids who'll be left at home. The babysitters are known by DH's family, and are 14ish. There will be children staying in two different houses on opposite sides of a road so I'm not sure how that'll work.

DS is 6 months old and has severe reflux, which is causing huge problems at the moment. He wakes looking for bottles at odd times during the night because he's mostly refusing to eat during the day, but is very difficult to feed because although he's hungry he doesn't want to let a bottle anywhere near him so he fights it. DH and I are the only ones who can feed him. My parents have tried and haven't been able to get a drop into him - he's that reluctant.

DD has just turned 2 and is very shy and nervous. She has never slept well anywhere but in her own cot in our house. She has spent the night in my parents' house a few times while I was in hospital but even though they mind her two days a week and she naps happily in their house, she won't go to sleep for them at night and cries herself sick every time. She's also nervous with strangers and would be extremely distressed if she woke at night in a strange room and a stranger came into her room to comfort her. Plus she's ill at the moment and has been having temperatures at night for the last few nights (though by tomorrow hopefully night the antibiotics will have kicked in so that may not be a concern), and while she's ill she's very clingy to me, so often during the night even DH can't comfort her.

DH doesn't see anything wrong with the situation, and his family obviously seem to think it's fine because they've arranged it. I don't want to be a spoilsport and I'd really like to go out to the meal (we haven't had a night out since DD was born due to lack of babysitters) but I just don't think I can leave the kids in a strange house with 3 14 year olds I've never met, under the current circumstances.

AIBU (or PFB and PSB!) to insist on being the only one to stay behind?

I would do it in your situation, but I'm a bit over protective and PFB over my little man. (he's 6)

I'd definitely stay with the kids in your situation, it sounds like they need you more than the rest of the family would.

Maybe you could do 'shifts'. You go to the start of the meal and your husband goes at the end of the meal. I'm sure the family will understand.

Can you not go to the meal and go back when babysitter calls. Fully expecting to be called back and miss the meal or be pleasantly surprised

I wouldn't leave my children with 14 year olds. No way.

I wouldn't go. I know in those circumstances I would just spend the whole night worrying anyway so not enjoy it and leave early etc

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving children with people I don't know even if they are introduced by family.

YADNBU! There's no way I would let a few 14 year olds who I had never met look after my children, especially if 1 had trouble with feeding and 1 was shy and found it difficult to sleep. I'm surprised your DH doesn't see a problem with this. Is there any reason the children can't come for the meal too?

I think your children have to come first, and also, it wouldn't be really fair on the three 14 yr olds to leave them in charge if your babies are going to be in distress, and possibly screaming and crying - they just won't know what to do, and let's face it,they would end up just as distressed as the children. It's a shame, but maybe the family could bring you some food home with them, or even take turns to stay with you so you are so left out. Maybe some of the other children will need a parent with them too? You might find one of your sisters in law is planning on staying too, but just hasn't mentioned it yet. When you have children, it's a case of needs must and you put them first.

We can't do shifts, it's a 20 minute drive away in the middle of the country, we only have one car and I can't drive.

so you aren't left out!

I would stay behind too. I went on holiday with DH and his parents, and we went out for dinner every night for 5 nights of our holiday. They took a lot of time deliberating over food and eating slowly, where I was trying to hurry everyone up as DDs were struggling with tiredness. I insisted on eating at the hotel on the last two nights (they weren't pleased at all), so I told them fine, I'll get room service. DD1 (2.5) loved it and DD2 (7 months at the time) got to sleep comfortably.

So, what I'm trying to say is not to worry about what others think. You know your DCs better than anyone else and do what you feel is best - and don't feel sorry about it!

Sorry but I dont think a 14yo should be left in charge of a 2yo and a 6mo.

Now I'm going to sound PFB again : ) But I wouldn't want to bring them. DD is very tired from the antibiotics (they always affect her that way) - she was in bed asleep by 6 tonight, voluntarily! And DS would refuse to sleep in the buggy because there'd be too much to look at, but he'd be knackered and cranky. And he's LOUD when he's cranky. So I don't think it would improve the night for anyone in the restaurant, to be honest!

YANBU not to want to leave them. I would personally stay behind.

Depends on distance really. If the restaurant is directly over the road and it's a 2 minute walk, no, go out. If its a long drive, then if you are uncomfortable, then stay in.

O/T what has the doctor suggested for the severe reflux

YANBU. I have used teenage babysitters as I'm a teacher and hand pick the trustworthy ones, but wouldn't leave DS (1yo) with people I/he didn't know.

Did I read your OP right though? There's a two week old being left? Really? Are you sure the other parents are happy with the arrangements or is this something that PIL have arranged with all best intentions that just won't work in practice? Is there a BIL/SIL that you get on well with you could discuss this with? It might transpire that you're not the only one feeling uncomfortable and perhaps could arrange a meal at home / takeaway instead.

Where is the meal out in relation to where you are staying? Also are the 14 year olds part of the family and will have had chance to meet the children beforehand?

I don't know what I'd do to be honest... Maybe suggest the babysitters come early so you can see them in action / if they can feed the baby.

You say you'd love a meal out... So if not too far away I'd say give it a try.

YANBU though. It's a difficult one and a big ask of you to leave your babies with virtual strangers.

I babysat aged 13 for a 6 week old baby right up until the family moved away when she was 9. I had to call her mum home once when she wouldn't stop crying.... Mum came back, settled her and went back out....

YANBU, maybe it would be nice if your DH could go though. It's really not a biggie and you will have the rest of the hols to socialise with the relatives.

I wouldn't go either. I would have done when ds1 was a baby cause he was so easy going. No way in hell it would have worked with ds2.

Suggest a mens night out (while the wimmin stay in and get pissed ) then the following night, girls night?

I'm sure the 2 week old will be taken as he's being breastfed. But he'll sleep so that's fine! Some of the other kids tend to go to bed a lot later than ours so they may go too, I don't know.

The restaurant is about 20 minutes away.

Nope, the babysitters aren't related. They're friends of the family. DH has met one of them, doesn't know who the others are.

There's no way they can feed the baby. Nurses in the NICU couldn't feed this guy when he didn't want to be fed. He's tough.

No boys' night and girls' night, it's been booked and everyone's included.

Of course DH can go, they're his family, and I'm well able to look after the kids on my own. That was why I said I'd be the only one staying behind!

Beats me why they couldn't have booked lunch instead given that there are 14 children involved.

If I am reading this the OP correctly then the youngest child in the group is 2 weeks old.Has this baby's parent agreed to 14 year old baby sitters, who are strangers, looking after it?
YANBU. I would not agree to the arrangement either.