To refuse to go? (enormously long, sorry, but I didn't want to drip feed)

[Some0ne]

We're going away to stay with DH's family at his parents' holiday home. DH's entire family (his 5 siblings, their OHs and kids ranging from 14 to 2 weeks) will be there. We were told a meal out was being booked because it's the first time everyone's been together down there in years, so it's a biggish deal.

It turns out that the meal is booked for 7pm, and 3 babysitters have been booked to look after the kids who'll be left at home. The babysitters are known by DH's family, and are 14ish. There will be children staying in two different houses on opposite sides of a road so I'm not sure how that'll work.

DS is 6 months old and has severe reflux, which is causing huge problems at the moment. He wakes looking for bottles at odd times during the night because he's mostly refusing to eat during the day, but is very difficult to feed because although he's hungry he doesn't want to let a bottle anywhere near him so he fights it. DH and I are the only ones who can feed him. My parents have tried and haven't been able to get a drop into him - he's that reluctant.

DD has just turned 2 and is very shy and nervous. She has never slept well anywhere but in her own cot in our house. She has spent the night in my parents' house a few times while I was in hospital but even though they mind her two days a week and she naps happily in their house, she won't go to sleep for them at night and cries herself sick every time. She's also nervous with strangers and would be extremely distressed if she woke at night in a strange room and a stranger came into her room to comfort her. Plus she's ill at the moment and has been having temperatures at night for the last few nights (though by tomorrow hopefully night the antibiotics will have kicked in so that may not be a concern), and while she's ill she's very clingy to me, so often during the night even DH can't comfort her.

DH doesn't see anything wrong with the situation, and his family obviously seem to think it's fine because they've arranged it. I don't want to be a spoilsport and I'd really like to go out to the meal (we haven't had a night out since DD was born due to lack of babysitters) but I just don't think I can leave the kids in a strange house with 3 14 year olds I've never met, under the current circumstances.

AIBU (or PFB and PSB!) to insist on being the only one to stay behind?

Either tell the truth - DD is ill and DS is a poor sleeper and feeder.
Or make an excuse - You have a headache.

No discussion, just a simple statement of fact - you cannot (and will not) go.

Smile, be confident in your decision, be pleasant. Don't make it into a huge issue.

If you actually want to go you could possibly look at finding/booking a professional babysitter/childcarer for your children in the area you're staying? They will obviously be more expensive, but experienced and well able to deal with an upset child or baby. And also well able to judge when it is appropriate to call you back from your night out. You'd be able to go out without worrying (so much).

But that's if you want to go, otherwise i'd say you are totally within the bounds of reason to say that you won't be able to enjoy yourself worrying about your two nippers.

Some0ne Wed 15-Aug-12 21:30:39
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Beats me why they couldn't have booked lunch instead given that there are 14 children involved.

Thanks-I´d missed that due to it being crossed out!

I wouldn't go it sounds like a recipe for chaos

Yes OP how many kids? and is there really a 14yo who is going to be babysat by 'around 14yos'?

Are the 14yr old cousins who would be babysitting as opposed to "hired" babysitters?

she said her DH had on;y met one of them once and they are friends of the family

There is no way I would leave my DD2 with a 14 year old. I was a babysitter for a neighbour at 14, but on the strict understanding that my grandmother was aphonecall and 2 mins away across the road if the baby woke up.

If they or you had hired a professional babysitter with childcare qualifications (eg someone who works in nursery who has nanny experience), i would probably go, but no way with a 14 year old.

I am a bit PFB OP but I think there are a couple of key issues here.

1. The fact that the babysitters are so young and you are 20 mins away is an absolute non-starter. This is really stupid IMO and no one should be leaving their children as the plan stands. The average 14 is not mature enough to formulate a sensible plan if there is a major problem and the fact that they are not known to you just adds to the daftness of the suggestion.

1. You say you haven't had a night out since DD was born due to lack of babysitters. My dd1 has some complex issues and I managed to convince myself that she wasn't safe with anyone but me and dh. This may not be how you feel (if not apologies) but I do think leaving your children takes a bit of practice. If you never do it, it feels terrifying. If I were you I would make sure you do leave them (with someone who is not 14!) as soon as poss. Even for an hour, just to get used to it.

But no YANBU not to go - but I bet the others think you are (not that that should matter much...)

I havnt read the whole thread but I am going to now.
I think you have discribed my children.
My 2yr old dd will never in a million years adapt to this scenario She sounds identical in personality to yours and my reflux baby ds I can understand also!
Im afraid I wouldn't be going if this was me but my dh also wouldn't either. I am surprised your dh isn't very understanding knowing how your children are.

Scuse the spelling!!
Oh yeah so yanbu not to go. I expect you may get some from the family though

I think the key here is the RoSPA information posted above - if anything was to happen to any of the many children in the care of the 14 year olds, the police would be likely to consider the parents negligent for making this arrangement.

Could you say you've looked up the guidelines and it's "not allowed"?

I wouldn't go - to me this is very simple if you are not happy with the arrangement, if you don't feel satisfied with the care arrangements for your children don't go.

YADNBU, who's crazy idea was it to leave three 14 year olds in charge of 14 kids? Frankly you'd be negligent to leave your children in such circumstances, I can't believe anyone would think it was okay. You don't have to make excuses, just say no and stick to your guns.

YANBU - I wouldn't leave my children with a 14 year old stranger (or 14 children with three unknown 14 year olds!!)
Just be disarmingly polite and smile, and say how you feel. "Sorry DD has been quite poorly and DS is very difficult to deal with due to his reflux, I won't leave them thanks."
If they are the sort to pester you, just smile and keep saying no. If they say how disappointed they are just agree with them. "I know, It's a shame, but there'll be other times, don't worry about me, I'll be fine!" (Look them in the eye and smile as you say this, because if they are like this, then usually their reaction has nothing to do with worrying about you!)

I personally wouldn't focus on your own dc's temperaments/circumstances as that will fuel the fire of PFB-ism from the relatives. The issue is a simple one - you can be very polite about it in the "everyone has a different approach to these things' vein - you do not believe 14 year olds should have the role of babysitting. It isn't fair on them or their charges....

Even if you had perfect sleeping, reflux-free easy peasy children it still would be mad to leave them...

YANBU. What tempname said. Never mind your children's sleeping/feeding difficulties. Leaving three 14 year olds as babysitters for 14 children, including babies/toddlers, is absolutely mental.

I would suggest switching to lunch, and if that isn't possible, say you're not comfortable and will stay behind. Yes you may be seen as a party pooper but that's not really the most important thing is it.

Definitely don't go.

But do thank the PILs for trying to sort out a solution. I guess they are v excited about everyone being together. Yup I know their solution is utterly ridiculous but otoh it is easy to forget the practicalities of having small children.

Tell your DH to think about it properly but stress what a lovely, lovely evening you want him to have and let him have a hangover lie in. If he thinks about it and still can't see a prob then I despair I really do.

anyway if there are 14 children in the family, organising an adult evening piss up isn't really very family friendly is it? reminds me of my brothers wedding where my children weren't invited but I was expected to be there, I was supposed to leave them.....

Whole thing sounds bloody crackers. Go with your instinct, put little'uns first and stay behind.

There is no way I would leave unknown 14 year olds to look after my 2 DDs-even if they were "textbook" easy children. No, no, no way in your situation.

Don't justify just say it's not possible.

What does your DH say? Is he supporting you?

Just bear in mind too, that if you stay behind with your two, you may effectively be seen as taking on responsibility for 12 others. Going back to what somebody earlier mentioned about childminder ratios, are you sure you would want that level of responsibility?

I think you need to deal with this very directly and explain that it's not on.

YANBU. DS is 8 in a couple of months and neither DH nor I would leave him with a 14 yr old while we went out for dinner. Not a bloody chance.