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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my mum right?

136 replies

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 10:53

she calls me 'smother mother' because i wont leave my children, i baby wear,co sleep,extended breastfeed

she doesnt agree with what i do and thinks i need to teach them that im not always there

they are 6 months,2 and 3..the 3 year old starts nursery this tim and has had no problems at her settling in sessions even tho she'd never been away from me before that

OP posts:
RedMolly · 15/08/2012 12:38

To answer your original question, your mum is not right. AP does not mean smothering your children. Like DF said, the whole point is that you have secure, confident children who know that they can depend on you. My parenting sounds much like yours and i would certainly never leave ds with someone who would wilfully go against our wishes. I think the problem, as so often happens, is that people will often take it as a criticism of the decisions they have made if you choose to do something different. Don't let anyone make you feel you are weird for not wanting to go out on the lash, etc - some people feel the need to do stuff away from their dc and that's fine, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you if you don't for the time being.

Pandemoniaa · 15/08/2012 12:40

But what if you sit down and talk to her and make it absolutely clear that she is not, under any circumstances to smack your children? That puts the ball straight into her court.

MrsUppity · 15/08/2012 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BagofHolly · 15/08/2012 12:42

If your OP had said "I think my mum will smack my kids if I leave them with her" then that might have been more accurate.
I also don't think that AP is about refusing to ever go out without your children or let anyone else mind them ever. Not wanting to go out anymore isn't a good thing OP.

bleedingheart · 15/08/2012 12:44

I wouldn't leave my children with someone who advocated the type of behaviour the OP's mother talks about but there are other options. If you and your DH are happy with your choices than keep going!

I like some time to myself, personally, not to go 'on the lash,' just to be away from the demands on my person for 5 minutes with a cup of coffee that I can drink before it goes cold!

Camusfearna · 15/08/2012 12:54

I think if OP feels this is how she wants to handle things, then it's her choice - we all do things differently and some are happy to have time away from their children, and some would rather not. I don't think anyone can say that either way is 'unhealthy'. I never had a night away from my children till the oldest was 18 - I lived a long way away from family, but I didn't mind because I loved being with them. I have managed not to go mad, or become hideously eccentric, despite never leaving them. In the final analysis, you have to do what you feel is right, no matter what other people think, so you don't have any regrets.

MissPants · 15/08/2012 13:00

I don't understand what's weird about not going out anywhere without the children. OP says that her DH takes over for tea and bedtime and on weekends, she could choose to go out during those times but if she'd rather spend the morning in bed or the evening in the bath then what's the problem? Do you need to be outside of the house to make the most of time for yourself?
Personally I'm too knackered to go anywhere when DH has his turn with the DC, I could go out for a walk or to see friends but frankly I can't be arsed. I find it much more useful to use my free time doing things I enjoy than dragging my tired arse outside to do things that other people find an acceptable use of my child free hours. I haven't been out without my children for 2 years, I don't see anything odd about it and its certainly not because I can't bear to leave them with anyone. My 3 DD's just came home from a week with DMIL 200 miles away. Maybe I'm weird. I just like to take the opportunity to relax and eat chocolate when I get time off Grin

DuelingFanjo · 15/08/2012 13:01

The issue RE your mother is simple. Do not leave your children with her if you feel she will hit them, leave them to cry etc. You just can't do that.

Re your husband, it might be an idea to start letting him have them even just for an hour or two while you go for a walk, go shopping or whatever.

Like you (and some other people here) I have never left my DS (20 months) with anyone overnight. He is, as I said, in nursery 4 days a week and with my mum one day. I do leave him with DH as he is quite capable of looking after DS.

Thumbwitch · 15/08/2012 13:17

biddysmama Wed 15-Aug-12 11:04:38
i dont trust her because she doesnt agree with what i do, she tries to undermind me while im there in front of them,she belives in smacking and shouting and doesnt believe passive smoking is harmful and tells me i dont have to use a car seat all the time..... so the complete opposite of me..

The OP has hardly hidden any of this earlier in her thread.
If she doesn't feel comfortable leaving her 3 children in the sole care of her mother, who thinks passive smoking is ok, smacking is necessary and car seats are optional, then she's hardly strange!

If she and her DH don't want to go out, then wtaf is wrong with that either? Each to their own in terms of how they run their family life.

Am bewildered by how many people on here seem to think that they have to impose their own needs on the OP.

LibrariansMakeNovelLovers · 15/08/2012 13:17

Sounds like you've got similar age gaps to me (17 months, 20 months) and do things in a fairly similar manner to me.

I the way things are doesn't bother you carry on. FWIW I didn't go out without at least the baby til they were around 9/10 months as I was breastfeeding and it didn't bother me at all. If I went out it was to friends' houses to do knitting or out with DH. THe main difference was that I trusted my parents not to smack or leave my babies to cry and they are non-smokers and while scathing about carseats (you were all fine...Hmm) they use them as it's legally required and they accept my views.
Your children sound happy, secure and confident. your mother sounds like she has no respect for your views or personal boundaries.

LibrariansMakeNovelLovers · 15/08/2012 13:22

oh and my 'me time' used to be a nice long soak in the bath or breakfast in bed with a good book rather than getting out of the house. Did enough of that with DC in tow.

tiktok · 15/08/2012 13:25

Your mother is being insulting to you with the phrase 'smother mother' and unpleasant and judgmental in criticising your parenting as much as she does and as obviously as she does (making comments in front of your kids).

Quite apart from her views on smacking etc, the insults and judgmentalism would be enough for most mothers to want to keep their distance.

What stops you from putting a stop to these comments?

MarianneM · 15/08/2012 13:29

Just read the OP, not the whole thread but YANBU - your mother is!

Your children are tiny - they need lots of attention and physical closeness!

"Independence" at 6m, 2 and 3 Hmm

My DDs (2 and 3.5) are "still" at home looked after by DH.

We sleep in the same bedroom with them.

Both DDs were carried in a sling until 1yo, both breastfed until 10m and 1yo.

Both DDs are very good and fearless in social situations.

I believe "attachment parenting" gives them confidence!

MarianneM · 15/08/2012 13:31

Aah, she is saying this because she wants to look after them without you! She is SO U! Why can't grandparents enjoy their GCs' company with the parents there?

LtEveDallas · 15/08/2012 13:35

DD is 7. Apart from 2 nights per year when my neice babysits (a Summer Ball and a Christmas Ball) I have never felt the need to leave her.

If we go out, we go out as a family. If I go shopping she comes with me. When I walk the dog she comes with me. I work and DH is a SAHP. When I get home from work she is with me until she goes to bed, and quite often still sleeps in with me. She has never stayed overnight anywhere without me. She sees my parents maybe once a month and DHs mum maybe quarterly (we live a distance away from both) - but we are always there with her.

DD is a great kid, outgoing, adventurous and happy go lucky. She's not clingy or needy or shy.

I don't understand all the people commenting on the OP needing to go out by herself. People parent in different ways, and NONE of us knows who has got the right idea - there's no exam is there?

Feminine · 15/08/2012 13:43

op its crystal clear that your children are well adjusted and secure.

That is what comes from your 'style' of parenting.

I am not saying that other styles won't produce the same effect, but with yours its almost impossible not to.

YANBU.

Its possible that when your children are older (and capable) of explaining more about things, that your confidence in leaving them with your Mum will improve.

Don't worry :)

Dawndonna · 15/08/2012 13:46

So, your mother physically and emotionally abused you and expects you to do the same to your children.
I'd be telling her not to darken my doorstep again.

JennerOSity · 15/08/2012 13:48

Your kids sound happy - that'd be good enough for me. Grin

I wouldn't let someone who intended to dleiberately go against my wishes with my child look after them.

Carry on as you are - at the end of the day it isn't just the kids which have to be happy with your parenting you do too, and if you forced yourself to be something other than what you are, it would be a strain on you and that wouldn't be good either!

MagicHouse · 15/08/2012 14:11

I think there are two things here - what's going on with your mum, and how you feel about leaving your children

Your mum sounds a bit worrying to me - calling you names is not nice, and wouldn't inspire me in anyway to leave my kids with her (let alone all the other stuff about her wanting you to smack your children, and undermining you infront of them.) I would ignore it, or better still, if you can, tell her how you feel.

The bit about leaving the kids - well you will always get people telling you to leave them! I err on your side. I didn't leave my DD overnight til she was 2. Can't say I enjoyed it much (though she was fine!) I woke up all night long thinking about her. At some stage it will be good for your children to be able to be overnight without you. My DD is now 6, and loves staying over with exMIL for e.g. It only happens occasionally. In her school, some classes have had their first overnight school trip when they are 7, so having a bit of experience of this will be useful. While they are still little though, if you and your dh are happy, and you enjoy lie-ins on a weekend, and this works for you, then carry on as you are!

MummytoKatie · 15/08/2012 14:47

I have never left dd alone with my parents for any length of time. (I think the longest is the time taken for me and dh to go on a water slide together whilst at Centreparcs.)

This is not becauseIdon't trust my mum to look after her but because I think she will look after her too well at her own expense. My mum has osteoarthritis and mustn't lift anything over about 2kg in weight. Dd was over 8lb at birth and now well over 2 stone.

If she fell over and cried then my mum would pick her up without thinking. This would risk her doing damage that would leave her in pain for years. I won't risk it.

My mum knows this and vaguely protests that she wouldn't she'd let my dad do the lifting etc but when I look sceptical she admits I am right.

I do feel sad that they can't have her on their own and hope that in a couple more years they will be able to (she's 2.4 now) as she won't want lifting whenever she is upset.

I do think though that they still have a special relationship with dd even if it is conducted with me nearby.

Sorry - off the point a bit but wanted to say that not letting parents have kids alone is not necessarily because you don't trust the parents or that it is the kiss of death of a relationship with them.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 15/08/2012 15:06

But LtEve - you go to work, so you do go out by yourself.

I think when you are a SAHP your children can become a kind of security blanket, I know - because I slip into thinking like this sometimes.

For me, the point at which I really just don't want to go anywhere at all (even to the shops for a pint of milk) without my DC is the point at which I really need to take a step back and go out on my own and develop a bit of confidence at interacting without the outside world without my DC being there as a filter.

Now fair enough, maybe the OP doesn't feel like this, but I don't think I'm alone.

BagofHolly · 15/08/2012 15:06

Dawndonna where did the OP say she was physically and emotionally abused by her mother?

lovebunny · 15/08/2012 15:12

your mother is wrong.

Dawndonna · 15/08/2012 15:56

BagofHolly
It would seem both odd and unlikely that the OPs mother would have brought her up without smacking her, witholding food and leaving her to cry, and then suggest that this is the way her grandchildren be brought up.

squeakytoy · 15/08/2012 16:05

OP, has your husband never taken any of the children out on his own, ever?

I do think you sound a bit of a martyr if your attitude is that your children are your life and you dont go out anymore other than with them.

It sounds as though you may be isolating yourself somewhat.

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