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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my mum right?

136 replies

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 10:53

she calls me 'smother mother' because i wont leave my children, i baby wear,co sleep,extended breastfeed

she doesnt agree with what i do and thinks i need to teach them that im not always there

they are 6 months,2 and 3..the 3 year old starts nursery this tim and has had no problems at her settling in sessions even tho she'd never been away from me before that

OP posts:

bloodyfurious · 15/08/2012 12:03

biddys that doesn't mean she actually would.

cantspel · 15/08/2012 12:04

I do think it is pretty unhealthy that in over 3 years you have not had anytime without them. Why wont you leave them with their dad for an afternoon so you can shop in peace or just have some me time?

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 15/08/2012 12:04

I don't think you should leave them with your mum if you don't want - I do think if your husband took the kids to the park by himself for a few hours at the weekend, it would give your kids a chance to have as strong a bond with him as they have with you.

cantspel · 15/08/2012 12:05

I menat unhealthy for you rather than the children.

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 12:05

sorry about drip feeding, was answering questions

OP posts:

bloodyfurious · 15/08/2012 12:06

I agree that AP produces secure children - I was accused of BF so no one could get close to them by my mother.

But none of the APs I know never leave the DCs - I really don't think that's healthy.

MainlyMaynie · 15/08/2012 12:06

I think in this case the issue of whether to leave your children with your mother is separate from your parenting style. She doesn't respect your views and she is prepared to look after them in a way that the vast majority of people would regard as irresponsible. Of course you shouldn't have to leave them with her.

My parenting style is quite similar to yours, but DS does spend time just with his grandparents (not overnight yet), but I trust them!

bloodyfurious · 15/08/2012 12:07

Unhealthy for OP not the DCs.

dillnameddog · 15/08/2012 12:07

You are just in the mummy stage - I can't see it is a problem that you don't go out without them. It just sounds like you have a very loving family set-up to me. Your mum sounds horrible - I wouldn't leave my kids with her. Just ignore her.

Ephiny · 15/08/2012 12:07

She needs to mind her own business, unless you've asked for her advice or opinions.

Personally I don't think I'd do things the way you have, but it's your choice, and if your children are happy and confident then it surely isn't doing them any harm.

Ephiny · 15/08/2012 12:09

It is surprising to me though that you don't ever feel the need for time to yourself - whether it's going out on your own, or just having the house to yourself - but I guess different people feel differently about that sort of thing .

nokidshere · 15/08/2012 12:10

OP have you ever asked your mum if she would be prepared to parent the way you ask her to in order to see more of her grandchildren?

My parents - and most of my family - thought/think I am too soft with my boys but none of them would actually do anything I ask them not to because they want to see them.

pictish · 15/08/2012 12:10

I don't think you have to leave them with your mum, but I do find your nothing-in-my-life-other-than-the-kids approach a leeeetle bit worrying.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/08/2012 12:10

I think the main problem is her undermining you to your DCs. It must be confusing for them.

BagofHolly · 15/08/2012 12:11

There are things that my kids do, that if me and my siblings had done, we'd have got a smacked hand. But despite my parents thinking they're right, they wouldn't smack my children because I've asked them not to.
OP having a different parenting style is ok, but if your mother wilfully disrespects your instructions then that's unacceptable. But just cos your mum might think it, it doesn't mean she would actually do it - and I imagine she would know that any previous trust you've given her would shatter.
Not leaving them with anyone ever can be counterproductive though sometimes as it means your one-on-one time with any of them is limited. I speak as a mother of 3, born closer together than yours. One on one time for them, whether with you or daddy or granny is very special, and IMO essential.

danteV · 15/08/2012 12:14

But you were asked earlier why you didn't trust her, surely the smacking bit should have cropped up earlier. So it is drip feeding.

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 12:16

the things she does while im there are enought to stop me leaving them there

OP posts:

danteV · 15/08/2012 12:18

Could you try saying that you understand she doesn't agree with your style, but it is your style and if she respects your choices then eventually she can have them a bit.

dottyspotty2 · 15/08/2012 12:18

My parents and I fell out when DD1 was 2 I was heavilly pregnant and my father slapped her for crying just picked her up and walked out took 6 months for them to come see me wasn't prepared for mine to grow up in that atmosphere she's 21 now and a fantastic young lady. Some generations don't just threaten but carry it out they have the attitude of never did you any harm and we never had car seats they thought a household cushion was good enough to keep them safe in car not a restraint.

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 12:22

the smacking was mentioned on the first page,not in as much detail but thats seperate to the op

OP posts:

MirandaGoshawk · 15/08/2012 12:24

OP, you sound as if you are looking after your dch in the instinctive way that dch have been looked after for generations, all over the world, until 'experts' came along and made women question their instincts.

You are making your dch feel secure. Keep up the good work! One day you will feel comfortable that you can leave them/go back to work or whatever, but you will know when. Please ignore your DM, sounds as if she has 'ishoos'.

happy2bhomely · 15/08/2012 12:27

Completely agree with Miranda

cornishsue · 15/08/2012 12:31

Hi,

While respecting your right to raise your children exactly as you wish, I have to say I feel a little sorry for your mother/MIL in not having had any special one to one time with their grandchildren. They can be such special times for both the children and grandparents - and were (God forbid) an emergency occur in which they were needed to look after them, it would be far less of a trauma should they be used to going to grandmas to stay.

I would also say that everyone parents differently, things change through time and one generation would never dream of doing what another one did. However, I don't feel that's a problem as long as when they are looked after by someone else, they follow your rules and not their own. Isn't that the norm anyway? I know my parents/in laws raised their children very differently, but no problem, they know what I do/don't do and that's what they do when 'in charge' of the children.

Obviously there may be other reasons which you have not been able to share here as to why you never leave your children, but from what you have said I just think it is a little sad to deprieve both generations of some one to one time, and of course as others have said giving you a little time to yourself.

I do understand however. I have never left my children (and now foster children) with a baby sitter to go out at night (or in the day some to that). Our lives totally centre on the children. However, I have also made a point of always giving the grandparents some special time. Also if the grandchildren look after one of them, that give us time to spend with the others doing things that others may not have enjoyed. Taking them to see a film that the others may not enjoy or were too young for, ditto an attraction or just some special time at home or shopping. Then next time it is another child's turn - spoilt at grandmas or spoilt at home/while out with us. It's a win win.

I wish you good luck whatever you decide!

Pandemoniaa · 15/08/2012 12:33

My former PIL were advocates of a quick slap on the legs to bring "unruly" children into line. Apparently I was almost certainly "ruining" my dcs over my excessively liberal insistence that smacking was off the agenda. However, in fairness, they knew not to impose their parenting techniques on my dcs who spent many happy (unsmacked) times with their grandparents. They benefitted enormously from the close relationship they had and I'd not have wanted to deny this.

So in your case, OP, I'm wondering whether it would be more sensible to sit your mother down and say that while you realise her methods are different, your children are not, under any circumstances to be smacked. Provided she will accept this then they should be able to spend time with her. If she fails to keep her promise in this respect then you are quite reasonable to say they cannot visit without you.

But I do wonder whether all these threats of smacking are, as much as anything, an unhelpful way of winding you up about your very different styles of parenting. Not necessarily an indication that she'd really smack them.

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 12:35

i honestly do believe that she will smack them

OP posts:

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