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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my mum right?

136 replies

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 10:53

she calls me 'smother mother' because i wont leave my children, i baby wear,co sleep,extended breastfeed

she doesnt agree with what i do and thinks i need to teach them that im not always there

they are 6 months,2 and 3..the 3 year old starts nursery this tim and has had no problems at her settling in sessions even tho she'd never been away from me before that

OP posts:

BagofHolly · 15/08/2012 11:20

But OP do you ever go out without them?

Thumbwitch · 15/08/2012 11:23

pictish - what's money got to do with it?

pictish · 15/08/2012 11:24

Eh?

Thumbwitch · 15/08/2012 11:25

you said mercenary - what's mercenary about it?

pictish · 15/08/2012 11:26

Mercenary as in self serving.

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 11:27

no but thats how its always been, i dont go out, i dont want to anymore

OP posts:

RubyFakeNails · 15/08/2012 11:28

Yes, in my opinion your parenting is totally bizarre. It sounds like you don't have any time away from them really, that you don't have days out without them or a night away, which at 3 years old is to me mind boggling. So quite smothery.

However its your choice so you can do what you want and not feel bad about it.

Thumbwitch · 15/08/2012 11:28

Doesn't really mean that though.

BagofHolly · 15/08/2012 11:29

That doesn't sound hugely healthy for you - you had a life before the children - do you even just nip to the shops etc, or do you have to be with them 24/7?

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 11:29

my husband is the only person who could look after them anyway, in laws are elderly and i dont trust my mum

OP posts:

diddl · 15/08/2012 11:31

" i dont need to leave them with him"

Perhaps not-but don´t you ever want to?

A walk alone, pop to the shops?

It wouldn´t hurt the children & I´m sure their father could cope!

WilsonFrickett · 15/08/2012 11:31

I don't think your mother is right, and you seem to have good reasons for not wanting to leave your DCs with her. And the more she pushes, the more you will push back on that tbh.

But in terms of you - are you saying you have never left your children for 3 years? You don't have any time on your own at all?

BagofHolly · 15/08/2012 11:31

So DOES he look after them alone or do you have to be there?

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 15/08/2012 11:31

I suspect my parents and inlaws feel the way your mum does, I've stood my ground and for now they're letting it lie I however do things just as you have described and have a very happy child as a result. They made many comments when he was younger regarding giving me 'a break' and have frequently suggested doing things completely differently but I am confident in my parenting and told them the truth - being away from him is not a break for me. It feels like someone suggesting I have 'a break' from my arms and legs - not necessary and it just feels wrong.

My son is happy and has a fantastic relationship with all his grandparents and aunts and uncles, I actively encourage that and I see no need for it to be without me at this stage. I also have issues with trust for various reasons. With inlaws I know they'd ignore my wishes regarding things like food and car safety, my own parents both have issues with temper and think nothing of being rough and aggressive with a child to get them to do what they want. I don't want those things for my children.

I see no reason to rush into your children being away from their mother until you are both ready; be that at a few days old or age 3 - its not up to anyone else to decide and it is also up to you (and their father if he's around) who you trust to look after your children - if that's never your mum, that's OK.

midori1999 · 15/08/2012 11:32

Good grief, why do people find it so hard to understand that some parents don't want to leave their DC? If they are happy with that and the DC are not suffering as a result, then what's the problem?

The OP says she gets a lay in at the weekends when her DH gets up with the DC, obviously that is enough for her and as she has said her 3 year old has started nursery with no problems at all, then what is exactly is the problem and what has it got to do with anyone else? I'm sur eif the OP felt like popping to Tesco or going for a night out, then she would.

OP, your Mum has no right to comment on it and in fact i sbeing quite unpleasant about it, I suspect, given what you have said about her parenting, because it makes her feel inferior.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 15/08/2012 11:32

Your mum is talking bollocks, but -

I think it's a shame if you don't ever go out alone.

If I've been spending a lot of time with my children (am a SAHP - so most of the time!) I can find the idea of going somewhere without them quite daunting. I always enjoy it once I'm out though.

It's really nice to be able to go and see friends for dinner or whatever without the kids and have an adult conversation.

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 11:34

now it sounds like i dont let him... during the week hes at work so when he gets home its tea,bath (which he does) and they go to bed.he gets up with them on the weekends and leaves me in bed and then we spend the weekend together as a family at home, or go shopping or out for a day or the park or visiting people...

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 15/08/2012 11:36

If your way of parenting suits you then your mother will need to accept it. You don't have to leave your children with anyone.

However, I'm slightly concerned that you seem to have become entirely subsumed by being a mother and wonder just how you will cope when your children require a great deal less attention from you. Which they will. You may think you don't need to go out now but actually, I really do think it is healthy to have some time that is yours.

zippey · 15/08/2012 11:37

I dont think you're doing too much wrong, but she is probably just worried that your children are clingy to you, and not responsive to her. She maybe needs to visit you more often and gain the trust ofyour children. But I can see that she has a point, but in the end, as long as the kids are getting outside influences, its fine.

BagofHolly · 15/08/2012 11:37

Well each to their own but aside from your mum's style of parenting, I think she's got a point. And I'm sorry to say that in my experience, the people I know who insist on being with their children to this extent year after year are crashing bores because the only thing they have to talk about is their kids. Up to you though.

WilsonFrickett · 15/08/2012 11:38

I don't find it hard to understand that people don't want to leave their DC ta midori but I do find it hard to envisage a life with no or very few interests outside the home. For instance, seeing friends without DCs attached, going on my bike so, you know, I don't die of having a fat ass anytime soon - I do find it hard to understand that people function without any personal time, and I wonder what will happen to these people when their children grow up....

nokidshere · 15/08/2012 11:40

Have you actually sat down and had a conversation with your mother about how you feel about parenting? Or about the way you were parented?

Although to be honest it sounds to me like you wouldn't leave them even if you did trust her.

midori1999 · 15/08/2012 11:42

It's fine if you can't envisage that, that doesn't mean other people can't be perfectly happy doing that though. It also doesn't mean they don't have friends or family who they can can see with or without their DC, including once their (and maybe their friend's) DC are growing or have grown up.

Perhaps they have a career they can continue when their DC grow up or plan a career change? Who knows, as long as they are happy, it's up to them.

I personally find it hard to envisage a life where I'd leave my 5 week old to go out on the piss, or leave my 2 week old baby to stay overnight with my parents, but each to their own.

diddl · 15/08/2012 11:43

I also never wanted a "break" from the children as such-but I wouldn´t turn down an invitation because it meant leaving them with someone I trusted.

Or take them with me when my husband was there if I could get something done more easily without them.

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 11:43

i do have interests, i knit and sew, take and edit photos not only of my children for other people aswell, but i work around nap times and bed times

OP posts:

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