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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my mum right?

136 replies

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 10:53

she calls me 'smother mother' because i wont leave my children, i baby wear,co sleep,extended breastfeed

she doesnt agree with what i do and thinks i need to teach them that im not always there

they are 6 months,2 and 3..the 3 year old starts nursery this tim and has had no problems at her settling in sessions even tho she'd never been away from me before that

OP posts:

dottyspotty2 · 15/08/2012 11:43

I was very like this not using slings etc but once their at school you have 'me' time their not little forever enjoy it FWIW mine where never left with anyone except DH would never have left them due to things that happened to me as a child.

MalibuStacy · 15/08/2012 11:45

My DM is completely the same. She thinks I am far too overprotective and that I am damaging my DC. But then I come from the generation of kids who sat outside pubs until closing time with a Coke and a bag of crisps

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 11:46

and i was a teaching assistant before i had them so will be able to work when they are all at school full time... and not in their school before anyone asks lol or a might retrain/do a degree?

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 15/08/2012 11:47

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to imply you didn't have interests.

pictish · 15/08/2012 11:47

I think if my grandchild had got to three without being allowed to spend one on one time with me, I'd be a bit pissed off as well.

Sorry - I know that isn't going to be a popular viewpoint on this thread, but there you go.

elizaregina · 15/08/2012 11:48

are your children shy at all, clingy, will they run off in a play park, soft play etc....toddler groups|?

danteV · 15/08/2012 11:49

If you and your dh are happy with your (your as a couple) parenting choices then that's it.
Your mum probably feels a bit pushed out and like she isn't building a relationship with them.
I rarely go out on nights out. But have had plenty of reason to leave the kids with dh or mum/dad.
I do find it hard to understand that you haven't had any reason in 3 years to go somewhere alone. But that's just me.

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 11:50

they are not at all shy exept the 6 month old but thats normal, they love toddler group and run off and play with the other children

OP posts:

nokidshere · 15/08/2012 11:50

Pictish I agree with you. But I would also want to know what I could do differently in order for that to happen. Most GP's are left out for a reason and they should be given an opportunity to adress the issues (obviously not if violent/dangerous) over different parenting styles.

In the OP's case I get the impression that there is nothing the GP can do to change the OP's mind.

ll31 · 15/08/2012 11:53

does seem like maybe you should hsve honest conv with your mother tbh...she must feel v hurt that she's not allowed to be with them on her own-not saying your wrong but way you're acting is unusual imo

Pekka · 15/08/2012 11:54

YABU It seems like you are overbearing.

DuelingFanjo · 15/08/2012 11:55

Not read all the thread (Sorry) but I was under the impression that all the baby wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping stuff actually produces secure children because teh psychology is that if they know you are there for them when they need you they are more likely to feel secure about going away.

your mum is wrong IMO.

pictish · 15/08/2012 11:55

I agree ll31

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 11:55

if she cant agree with me about how i parent my children and still carry on telling them she will smack them,telling me i need to leave the baby to cry, tell me not to use a car seat etc while im there, what would she do if i wasnt?

OP posts:

pictish · 15/08/2012 11:57

She has told them she will smack them? Really?

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 11:59

shes told me to smack them, told them they will be smacked (for normal toddler behaviour imo) told them they wont have anything else to eat if they dont eat all their food (which i dont agree with) told me off for picking up my crying baby and told me to leave her to cry so she learns i wont go running for her

OP posts:

Scarredbutnotbroken · 15/08/2012 12:00

Op I am envious of you - you make it sound like you have such a close family, you and dh plus the kids. If my exp had spent all his spare time doing things with us together as a family instead of the crappy relay parenting then we'd be well together!
You sound really content and happy - sod everyone else. I have spend one night away from dd in 3 years though I do work and she goes to nursery. I would question you if you had forgone nursery etc but you haven't so i song see the issue.

I know a few mums who are happy to have their dc with them 24/7 who have parents/in laws who have a huge problem with it so it'd not just you. Having your instincts undermined is v hard going,

I don't agree you must have time away from your kids. If you feel you need it then it's crucial but if you don't then your mum needs to get over it. If she wants more time with them what about a shared activity? I would draw the line at smoking and not using car seats - there's no way I would allow that either though the smacking and other things you mentioned are also unacceptable.

I wonder I'd it's a jealousy thing?

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 12:00

she said to my 3 year old "your mummy is too soft, i would have smacked your bottom for that"

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 15/08/2012 12:00

here are some articles which may make you feel happier about the attachment thing

Co-sleeping and long-term, extended breastfeeding provide a secure attachment that leads to independence

and

stuff about co-sleeping

and

a bit more

in a rush but can find more about the studies to do with independence in children who are parented the way you (OP) do it.

bloodyfurious · 15/08/2012 12:01

Ok I was all set to be totally on your side OP - I co-sleep, extended breastfeed etc.

But if you are saying you have never been apart from DCs since first was born I am concerned it is masking a wider problem - especially the I dont want to go out anymore comment.

That doesn't mean you should leave them with your mum - but at least to pop out with your husband.

danteV · 15/08/2012 12:01

Well there is a massive drip feed if ever I saw one. Did she smack and starve you?

Pandemoniaa · 15/08/2012 12:02

Having interests is not the same as having time for yourself though, is it? Only I think it is important to keep sight of the person you were before motherhood. Which doesn't mean neglecting your children or getting enormous pleasure from their company either.

As a grandmother, I too would be very sad if I'd never been able to spend time with dgd. Those occasions when we are together are very precious and have compounded the close and special bond we have. I would say that I've never interfered with how ds2 and ddil choose to bring her up but surely there must be some ground on which you and your mother can agree? Even if you just respect the differences in your respective approaches to parenting.

Pandemoniaa · 15/08/2012 12:03

Gah! How I hate drip feeding! It makes the rest of us feel like complete buffoons!

DuelingFanjo · 15/08/2012 12:03

PS, not a dig or anything about people who don't do all this. My son is in full time nursery for example.

Original poster

biddysmama · 15/08/2012 12:03

the 3 year old has had 5 2 hour nursery sessions and settled well, no tears at al, just "bye mummy"

OP posts:

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