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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to commit to pickup and afterschool care for this other child?

117 replies

uselfullife · 13/08/2012 11:09

Getting myself really wound up about this

DS is going to school in Sept, I will have to drive as it's a couple of miles away.

Have recently met another mum whose child is going to same school and it would sort out all her problems if I was to offer to pickup and look after her child until she got home from work- approx 3 hours.

my own work situation is up in the air, I don't know if I will be working( if I do I will have to find a nanny, which we could share, but until I get a job, I can't commit to anything)

I just want to concentrate on my own pfb, he has a couple of behavioural issues, so I need to make sure he is calm. He takes all my energy and patience, and tbh I'm finding him very stressful right now.

Also I'm not really very good with other people's children. But I don't know how to explain that to her without being offensive

And, I think she is a lot more strict than me wrt to what her child eats/drinks etc

I feel really bad, not being able to say yes, I'll pick them up then play at my house for 3 hours
But the thought makes me feel ill

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 13/08/2012 11:11

I wouldn't. He will be exhausted after school. It takes some getting used to.

Sossiges · 13/08/2012 11:11

It may sort out all her problems but it would add to yours. Don't do it. Every day, with no pay, no way.

FrancesHouseman · 13/08/2012 11:13

Has she actually asked outright or is the implication hanging around like a bad smell without her actually having said the words?

I wouldn't want to. 3 hours is a LONG time! I try not to make one-off play dates longer than 2 hours, so 3 on a regular basis would be utterly shit.

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 13/08/2012 11:13

Don't do it.

Someone once told me she would do it for me when I was really stuck. She then ended up making all sorts of excuses, including one about her DH doing the school run, which I found not to be true.

I'd much have preferred and respected her if she'd just said she didn't want to.

Sossiges · 13/08/2012 11:13

I know you want to be helpful, but I think you will only end up resenting her and her child.

BlackOutTheSun · 13/08/2012 11:13

So she wants 3 hours of free childcare 5 days a week?

Tell her to piss off and pay for it like everyone else

sugarice · 13/08/2012 11:14

I take it she has already asked you for childcare? Just say you don't feel you can commit yourself to looking after her Son and that your ds's needs mean that it isn't convenient for you. Don't be afraid to say no, she'll have to arrange her own childcare.

HecateHarshPants · 13/08/2012 11:14

So say no.

"Sorry, that won't work for me."

If pushed, "I don't want to"

You aren't being offensive to say no. If she chooses to be offended by your refusal to be free childcare for her (I am assuming free because you can't get paid for it without breaking the law I think, if you're not registered) then that's her problem.

You need to be very clear, right from the start, that you are not going to do this.

If she gets the hump - then that means she was grooming you to be her babysitter.

Did she actually say to you that it would sort out all her problems if you would pick up her child and look after them for 3 hours? Every day is this?

Say no.

NameChangeGalore · 13/08/2012 11:14

The other child is not your responsibility. I would never ask anyone to lookafter my child for 3 hours 5 days a week. That's just taking the piss. You are well within your rights to say no, and she should understand that. Unless she's willing to pay you £10 an hour for childcare.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 13/08/2012 11:15

She needs to sort out proper childcare. Fine as a one-off or in an emergency but not every day.

MagicHouse · 13/08/2012 11:16

No way can you say yes! Just tell her sorry you can't commit to that, but you'll enquire around about local childminders for her. Don't even feel the slightest bit guilty. What she's asking is just not on!

Scarredbutnotbroken · 13/08/2012 11:17

3 hours is a huge commitment - 30 mins on e it twice a week would be different. What if you want to do an activity etc?

She needs to get a childminder

Sossiges · 13/08/2012 11:17

Anyone would do it as a one-off in an emergency, but to commit to pick-up and 3 long hours every day is nutty, what if you or your child were ill - you'd still have to do it as she'd be relying on you. I wouldn't even consider it.

MadameOvary · 13/08/2012 11:20

No way. Even if you had a freakishly angelic child who was no trouble.
Three hours? Every day? You would get very tired of it, very quickly. Resentment would build in no time.
Are you a people pleaser? It seems that you are considering her needs more than yours (I do this too)
Anyway, some good advice on here.

halcyondays · 13/08/2012 11:22

Of course yanbu. 3 hours every day is a big commitment. Just say no.

mumnosGOLDisbest · 13/08/2012 11:23

just say you want to see how ds settled at school and how tired he is and that you might be going back to work. sorry but cant commit.

as a teacher i get the summer off and a friend hinted that she was struggling with childcare for 2 days a week. i said i couldnt do it every week but if she was stuck and im free i would. shes asked 3 times and ive done 2 days out of 6. shes happy as i was honest and i am there as a back up.

if ds is starting school, he'll want you and his house to himself :)

honeytea · 13/08/2012 11:23

She is bu! If it was every day you would have her child for 15 hours a week, he will probably go to bed not long after she picks him up so you would end up spending nearly as much time with him as she does!

If you don't feel happy saying an outright no maybe mention you might be taking your DC to some after school activities so you can't commit.

fourbears · 13/08/2012 11:24

She is taking the mickey, quite frankly. I can't believe she's asked you to do that. You're not even good friends and even then I wouldn't. It's tough on them when they start reception. They get very tired so tantrums etc may increase. Someone will be along in a minute to tell you how to word getting out of this. Look after yourself in this. My very good friend hinted that she wanted her two boys to come to mine after school til she got home but I was in the throes of PND and it would have pushed me even nearer the edge. I think she was a bit put out but she got over it! This woman will just have to make other arrangements and pay someone! As she should have done before. Cannot believe the cheek of some people! Hope you get it sorted out.

dreamingofsun · 13/08/2012 11:25

if its free then big commitment as people have pointed out. if she's planning to pay you then this is an offence unless you are registered. people have been charged by the police for doing this.

i'd just say that you are sorry you can't do it as you aren't that great with kids and you are looking for a job yourself anyway. you'd be happy to share a nanny once that happens (assuming you would be).

WilsonFrickett · 13/08/2012 11:25

Yep, it would solve all my problems too if someone offered to do 15 hours of free childcare a week for me. Brilliant. Thanks useful. Appreciate the help.

Say no. Don't even think about getting yourself into this situation.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 13/08/2012 11:25

No way.
It would solve her problems because she can't be arsed to find a d pay for childcare.

15 hours a week after school care @ £5 per hour.
Ask her if she wants to pay cash or cheque Grin

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/08/2012 11:26

No way, it will really restrict you and your DS, whether you want to just hang out at home together or go to the park/other activities. What if one of them starts doing after school clubs, you will have to go back forth twice, what if your DS is ill and not going to school that day, all this before you even factor in your own work scenario.

Original poster
uselfullife · 13/08/2012 11:27

She hasn't asked outright, but the suggestion is there.
It is a bit of a nightmare because the school is so out of the way.

I am stressing about finding my own childcare if I go back to work, if I was in her shoes I would be frantic. That's why I want to help

She said it's just too expensive to find a pick up and afterschool care, the numbers don't work. She is still trying to co-ordinate flexible hours with work

there are just so many things that can go wrong when you commit to something like this
What if I'm ill, what if DS is ill
What if my car breaks down (had flat the other day) what if the kids hate each other

aarrggh, I'm stressing now

OP posts:
madda · 13/08/2012 11:28

I had a 'new' friend like this, with 3 kids, who slowly began to 'leave' her kids to play with my 2 kids

it started as a short 'playdate' with her DS and mine

Then her other 2 older crazy kids suddenly became part of the visit. She would text me incessantly, ask me to do her shopping. The kids would wreck my house, my life was just crazy with it all.

then she wanted them to do a sleepover at mine...I just had to say no to it.

After that, I just had to say I couldnt commit to further visits/playdates

it wasnt pleasant, but my life is back to normal now

It's hard enough running your own family, nevermind someone elses - for free!

Your friend is having a laugh here.

Dont do it.

Be strong, like I had to be.

madda · 13/08/2012 11:30

just saw your latest post OP

so all you need to say when she starts going on about it, is 'oh I know, it's hard isnt it, I'm finding it all such a juggle too'

or something

do. not. offer. or. commit. to. anything!!!!

you sound lovely, but she knows you are!!!