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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to commit to pickup and afterschool care for this other child?

117 replies

uselfullife · 13/08/2012 11:09

Getting myself really wound up about this

DS is going to school in Sept, I will have to drive as it's a couple of miles away.

Have recently met another mum whose child is going to same school and it would sort out all her problems if I was to offer to pickup and look after her child until she got home from work- approx 3 hours.

my own work situation is up in the air, I don't know if I will be working( if I do I will have to find a nanny, which we could share, but until I get a job, I can't commit to anything)

I just want to concentrate on my own pfb, he has a couple of behavioural issues, so I need to make sure he is calm. He takes all my energy and patience, and tbh I'm finding him very stressful right now.

Also I'm not really very good with other people's children. But I don't know how to explain that to her without being offensive

And, I think she is a lot more strict than me wrt to what her child eats/drinks etc

I feel really bad, not being able to say yes, I'll pick them up then play at my house for 3 hours
But the thought makes me feel ill

OP posts:
avivabeaver · 13/08/2012 11:30

absolutely not.

you must remember that we are all different. some people in this world believe that "there is no harm in asking". if the other person can't/won't well they will soon say.

other people find it really hard to say no. The problems occur when one meets the other. It took me a long time to work this out. I now say no to everything and then go back and say yes, maybe when i have had a chance to think about it.

my dd3 is about to start school. with the others i worked full time. this time i have changed careers/done qualifications so i can work more or less around school hours. I have sympathy with others childcare problems but i remind myself that i have made lots of sacrifices for the benefit of my child, not random others. as and when dd3 makes friends, if one comes home for tea once a week and this happens to help out someone then fine, but not otherwise.

point her in the direction of the afterschool club

exexpat · 13/08/2012 11:30

Quite apart from anything else, would it be fair to ask your DS to have the same child to play with every day after school for three hours? They might not even like each other, but he would have to share his home, toys, your attention... Too much to ask when he is just getting used to school, which is a big adjustment in itself.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/08/2012 11:30

You need to stand firm, it is her problem. She should have been sorting this out ages ago, presumably she is paying for full day childcare now so it is odd that just needing it for 3 hours a day is too expensive?

sugarice · 13/08/2012 11:31

Don't stress, you aren't responsible for her ds. I'm sure she'll manage, it's not your problem.

ValiumQueen · 13/08/2012 11:31

She needs to get a childminder or after school club, and should have thought about this long ago. Unbelievably cheeky. Say no!

JarethTheGoblinKing · 13/08/2012 11:31

IF you do go back to work then a nanny share does sound like it might be a good option in your situation though..

dreamingofsun · 13/08/2012 11:32

unfortunately this is one of the tough realities of being a working parent. helping out on an occasional basis in an emergency is one thing, but doing this amount of hours ongoing is something quite different. you are mad if you take this on

she needs to sort this out herself. has she any relatives locally?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 13/08/2012 11:32

I sympathise with her but it's not up to you to sort this out for her.
Most of the parents at the school will have similar problems - are you going to open a crèche?

TooManyDaisies · 13/08/2012 11:32

Say no. Say sorry, but no. Explain that your work situation is up in the air and explain that you want to be able to focus on YOUR child for now - possibly taking him to after school things, seeing other friends etc.

It's a HUGE ask and I think it's fine to say no, but say no straight away so the other Mum has a chance to work something else out.

Be apologetic but firm. And do it right now! Good luck Smile

halcyondays · 13/08/2012 11:33

Don't stress. It's up to her to sort out her own childcare and pay for it, as everybody else has to do unless they're lucky enough to have relatives who can step in.

CouthyMow · 13/08/2012 11:34

Point her in the direction of After school club, breakfast club (or a childminder) and Tax Credits. And say no.

oranges · 13/08/2012 11:34

is this your eldest child op? if you knew how exhausted and tantrummy kids get after school on reception year you would not stress or feel guilty for an instant about not doing this. all mine ever wanted to do was climb on my lap and sit still after school. He couldn't do that if I had another child that wasn't mine to care for.

RunOrRioja · 13/08/2012 11:35

I did this for a friend once, she did pay me an agreed price bit it was awful. Child was whiney and was miserable to look after, my dd and this girl were friends but ended up hating each other. No matter what boundaries I set this child she would cross them at every turn.

Was very hard for me and dd.

Say NO!

expatinscotland · 13/08/2012 11:36

Don't offer! Her problems are just that, hers. Sounds like you have enough as it is. That's a huge commitment. Too much, in fact.

HecateHarshPants · 13/08/2012 11:37

So she hasn't asked?

Well then, you have no problem.

Just don't offer!!!

People can hint as much as they like! Doesn't mean you have to offer.

Sympathise - oh dear, I'm sure you'll work something out. I'm sure you'll find something.

Practise saying no, for if she does ask.

It is a huge thing, to ask someone to have your child every single day for three hours for what - years?

Come on, you know you are not unreasonable to say no.

expatinscotland · 13/08/2012 11:38

Also, IIRC, it's illegal for you to do this without being a registered minder.

Maryz · 13/08/2012 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fourbears · 13/08/2012 11:40

Tough! Of course, it's expensive. As it will be for you if/when you start work, but that is what happens when you have children and don't work just school hours. She'll have to sort it out herself, as you will when it comes to it. Put yourself in her position. Would you ask this of someone else or would you think it is far too much to put on someone else? I suspect the latter.

If you really must do it, get registered and charge her so it's on a proper footing. Tell her it's the law (which it actually is). I suspect you won't see her for dust!

akaemmafrost · 13/08/2012 11:44

Loads of excuses and justifications in your posts about how difficult this will be but honestly you don't need them. You Don't Want To and that's a perfect reason in itself. There's no way I would do this. Just don't even think about it anymore Smile.

DontmindifIdo · 13/08/2012 11:45

as she hasn't asked, don't offer - I bet you aren't the only parent who technically could help but doesn't want too, if no-one else is offering, why does it fall to you?

Agree just say "yes, I'm struggling too." if she says anything. It could be that she gets the flexible working hours or some family member offers to help (even for just a couple of nights), or she finds that actually the numbers do add up, or her DP applies for flexible hours too. There are always options, you will not be the only option.

Chestnutx3 · 13/08/2012 11:45

Madness. Doesn't she pay for childcare now?

whathaveiforgottentoday · 13/08/2012 11:45

Absolutely not. Apart from it being illegal, it would likely end up with you being very resentful of her. She needs to find childcare and pay like the rest of us. I wouldn't even dream of asking somebody to walk my kids home on a regular basis let alone keeping them for 3 hours.

You could offer to be a back up for when there are problems with childcare (childminder off ill etc) which would be a great help on its own, but I wouldn't offer until she has childcare sorted.

shesariver · 13/08/2012 11:46

I feel really bad, not being able to say yes

Dont, its not your problem. I get you can empathise with her situation but really struggle to understand why you would feel bad. People I know like this tend to be "people pleasers" and find it hard saying no generally either in case people think bad of them because they need other peoples validation for themselves. Not that Im saying this is you though! Just dont say yes or it will be a slippery slope with this woman. You dont need excuses, reasons - just state you cant do it.

expatinscotland · 13/08/2012 11:47

Don't even offer to backup! You will soon find yourself doing lots of 'backup'.

Nope.

Offer nothing! Sort your own work situation out.

Original poster
uselfullife · 13/08/2012 11:47

Ok
I understand
I just feel bad that I can't help

But it's not my responsiblity
I have enough to worry about in my own house

thanks all
x

OP posts:
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