Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to not want to commit to pickup and afterschool care for this other child?

117 replies

uselfullife · 13/08/2012 11:09

Getting myself really wound up about this

DS is going to school in Sept, I will have to drive as it's a couple of miles away.

Have recently met another mum whose child is going to same school and it would sort out all her problems if I was to offer to pickup and look after her child until she got home from work- approx 3 hours.

my own work situation is up in the air, I don't know if I will be working( if I do I will have to find a nanny, which we could share, but until I get a job, I can't commit to anything)

I just want to concentrate on my own pfb, he has a couple of behavioural issues, so I need to make sure he is calm. He takes all my energy and patience, and tbh I'm finding him very stressful right now.

Also I'm not really very good with other people's children. But I don't know how to explain that to her without being offensive

And, I think she is a lot more strict than me wrt to what her child eats/drinks etc

I feel really bad, not being able to say yes, I'll pick them up then play at my house for 3 hours
But the thought makes me feel ill

OP posts:

Original poster

uselfullife · 13/08/2012 15:10

bubby, that's great that your friends helped out

looking at childcare websites now

the more I think about this, the more I think I just want my own nanny anyway!!

OP posts:

GoldWithADragonTattoo · 13/08/2012 15:12

In your friend's shoes (if she genuinely can't get a childminder or ASC) I think I'd be trying to change my hours so I can do pick ups on a couple of days and then find another mum that could do the same on different days so that they are both getting a benefit. Asking you to do full time after school chlldcare is far too big an ask as others have said.

rockdoctor · 13/08/2012 15:16

Don't do it!

I am in a similar position to the other mum in terms of childcare requirements and it would never occur to me to ask another mum, even a close friend, to do this on a regular basis. I have had many offers from friends to help out in an emergency - and if a genuine emergency arose I might take them up on it, but between myself, my DH, and the after school club, I'm hoping we'll be able to manage.

You say that the other mum hasn't asked outright so to give her the benefit of the doubt, is she actually sounding you out for a nanny-share or suchlike? I can imagine raising this possibility with a couple of mums I know once the dust has settled on the whole starting school thing.

ChasedByBees · 13/08/2012 15:17

It would solve my problems if you came round and did all my washing up but it's not reasonable of me to think you would. Absolutely say no. This is a huge ask and her responsibility.

FiveMonths · 13/08/2012 15:19

In a situation like this, when it can seem as though you are THE missing piece in the puzzle that would solve everything - it is rarely, if ever, that simple.

There will be ways round it.

This is her issue to solve, not yours to feel guilty about.

She should have sorted out the logistics before going for it. You have - or you are in the process of doing so - and it sounds like she is too.

Had you committed to her, she might have given up trying to arrange things with her work, and that would have done her no favours as it all would have depended on you when really - she needs to organise her own network around it, and great if you are there on occasion as an emergency backup but no, it is unreasonable to expect, or for you to offer, more.

I have a similar issue with a friend who moved very near to us and was suddenly sending her child here all the time. I worried and worried, and in the end I said something that hinted we had differing views - just clearly stating my own, really, in a completely non offensive manner, and have not heard from her since!

Sometimes just being yourself and saying something perfectly acceptable, not rude, not unkind, is enough to put someone off as they realise that you are unlikely to do what they want, and start working on someone else.

I think you have done the right thing - having a reception child is a massive thing to go through, you will have enough to deal with, so will she - and she needs to be there for him as much as possible. You cannot deal with two at once. x

StealthPolarBear · 13/08/2012 15:21

Whya re you eve looking for her? SHe isn;t a friend of yours. It's a nice thing to do, but it is reinforcing the fact tht this is your problem to solve - and it isn't!

MrsAyrtonSenna · 13/08/2012 15:35

You sound lovely OP, so it is no wonder she has singled you out as her unpaid help. How many years was she planning on you doing this? She wouldnt expect to go to work and not be paid for her time, so why should you?

Please dont take her on in any way shape or form, either offering back-up or to tide her over until she finds a childminder - it sounds to me as if she is using you rather than this being a true friendship and you could find yourself gradually being sucked in as she is 'let down' and calls on you for emergency backup more and more.

She has had plenty of time to sort this situation out and is presumably paying for some sort of childcare now. As all the other MNers say, it is not fair on you or your own child as he will find the time with you even more precious as he adjusts to school life and there are all the other scenarios outlined - after school clubs, swimming lessons, play dates, if your child is ill and not in school, has dental appointments and so on. What if the children dont get on - young children can fall in and out of friendships very quickly, especially if they are at school all day together. What if it makes your son jealous of having to share with a child who is not family when he may feel he wants to talk to you about his day and cant?

Three hours a day, EVERY day is a big ask - what about school holidays?? Or was she waiting for half term to drop that one on you??? She and her son are not your responsibility, so please dont feel guilty - she is the one who should feel that way for trying to manipulate the situation to suit herself. I would also be vary wary of engaging with her in the playground for a term or two so that she realises you are not going to take her on.

Good luck and please, please dont feel guilty about saying no - you dont have to justify your reasons or give any excuses!

expatinscotland · 13/08/2012 16:09

She's an acquaintance.

Not your problem at all.

Don't offer backups or anything.

StealthPolarBear · 13/08/2012 16:23

exactly- or offer if you think it will only be a small inconvenience to you and help her a huge amount - which is not the case!

HappyAsASandboy · 13/08/2012 17:02

Please don't do it.

I was the child in this situation. I've no idea how it started, but I got a lift to and from school with a friends mum every day for nearly three years. The mum hated it and was quite obvious about it, but I just kept going every day because that's what my mum had organised. Even more mortifying was taking a box of chocolates round at the end of every term

Please don't put her child through it.

Chestnutx3 · 13/08/2012 17:25

If a parent at a private school thinks the school bus/childminder fees etc.. are too expensive they can't afford private school. She is lying to you or else is signing up her child to an education she can't afford.

First week of reception you need to spend time with YOUR child not another person's and it sounds like you son may well need this one to one time.

Shutupanddrive · 13/08/2012 19:42

Just adding another 'don't do it!'. It's not your problem at all, don't give it a second thought.

FrankieMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 13/08/2012 19:55

I would just give a firm but polite No.
Apart from anything, not sure if mentioned on the thread anywhere, I am pretty sure you would be breaking the law in providing that level of child care as an unregistered ChildMinder.

I have been talked into doing it in the past and there are so many things wrong with committing to something like this.

My children always hated it as they didn't always want the child in question at the house every night. This led to unimaginable stresses!

I don't mind doing the odd favour but is it with people that think they can decide that a particular person can pick up their child care?

lovebunny · 13/08/2012 20:10

tell her you can't take responsibility for her child, it's too much for you. then don't worry about it ever again. it's not your problem - don't let her make you think it is.

mumzy · 13/08/2012 20:25

Can I say there is always a CM who is willing to look after a child after school if paid. I can't imagine this mum is the only one at the school who needs child care. Tell her to ask the school they should be able to let her know the CM/ nannies who pick up from the school. Reiterating what others said: do not make a rod for your own back.

lljkk · 13/08/2012 20:32

Does anyone else remember the Scottish lady's thread about being heavily hinted at by Entitled Couple of The Village to provide childcare for them? This reminds me of that.

Just cheerfully tell her you hope she sorts it out, OP. This so is not your problem.

Sossiges · 13/08/2012 22:14

I have just read PoL's thread, it's taken me all afternoon (on and off). What a cracker!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5