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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to commit to pickup and afterschool care for this other child?

117 replies

uselfullife · 13/08/2012 11:09

Getting myself really wound up about this

DS is going to school in Sept, I will have to drive as it's a couple of miles away.

Have recently met another mum whose child is going to same school and it would sort out all her problems if I was to offer to pickup and look after her child until she got home from work- approx 3 hours.

my own work situation is up in the air, I don't know if I will be working( if I do I will have to find a nanny, which we could share, but until I get a job, I can't commit to anything)

I just want to concentrate on my own pfb, he has a couple of behavioural issues, so I need to make sure he is calm. He takes all my energy and patience, and tbh I'm finding him very stressful right now.

Also I'm not really very good with other people's children. But I don't know how to explain that to her without being offensive

And, I think she is a lot more strict than me wrt to what her child eats/drinks etc

I feel really bad, not being able to say yes, I'll pick them up then play at my house for 3 hours
But the thought makes me feel ill

OP posts:

shewhowines · 13/08/2012 12:56

I bet there are a lot of people who could afford private school if they could stop paying for their child care and redirect the money to school fees. Mmmm that's an idea! How do I go about finding a sucker to do that for me.......

DontmindifIdo · 13/08/2012 12:59

Also suggest that if she does sort it out (and I repeat, it's not being a good friend to help her get herself into a financial mess if she then can't afford the fees in later years and has to face moving her DC) - you wait until she has got a childminder/grandparent/flexible hours sorted and then offer to be backup, do not offer to be her back up until then, as you'll be her only plan.

Also don't get in the situation where you are her holiday childcare plan.

StealthPolarBear · 13/08/2012 13:20

"As a SAHM I have to lose pay, career prospects etc but get the benefits of being able to care for my child. For those working they get paid, stay in careers, pension etc but the hassles of finding childcare etc. "

As a WOHM I completely agree. Imagine a SAHM asking a WOHM for some money, because she has plenty to spare - why would it be OK the other way round with time/flexibility?

OP, it would be completely unreasonable of her to expect this, but are you sure they do or are you reading too much into the situation? I ahve recently been moaning to friends about CM problems, but would have never expect an offer of free, long term childcare! (though one did offer to help if we needed it and that was much appreciated)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/08/2012 14:06

Oh thank you, Hiberno, I think the issues are quite parallel and I hope POL's thread helps OP.

giraffes · 13/08/2012 14:06

I'll bet, though, that she hadn't planned to do anything but to latch onto >someone, become 'friends' with them, and wangle it do that they provided >her with the childcare she needed. So that would mean she had actively >SOUGHT someone to take the piss out of!

bloody hell! Enough of the conspiracy theories! OP I hope you're not too worried and that this woman is just expressing her fears. If you can head off any hints that you might be able to help go for it, but maybe she really isn't thinking you will do it so please don't worry. Most normal people wouldn't expect you to do this, or at least would be fine if you said no. One thing you could do to help would be to direct her to a list of local childminders or find an ad for one and give it to her - that should make it clear!

Mayisout · 13/08/2012 14:09

and DON'T offer to help out occasionally when she's stuck because when she's stuck might be totally unsuitable for you and you will feel obliged to do it.

Shellywelly1973 · 13/08/2012 14:13

No reasnoble person would ask this of u.
Just ignore the hints!!

ssd · 13/08/2012 14:18

no way!!!!

you'll find if you help her out for free when it suits her there will a queue of cheeky mares at your door soon...

let her sort it out herself, the rest of us manage

StealthPolarBear · 13/08/2012 14:20

Everyone is making a lot of assumptions about the other mother

AdoraBell · 13/08/2012 14:22

OP the most I would commit to in your situation would be giving the child a lift home if it makes no difference to the journey. But that would be the child's home, not my home. Literally pick up with my DCs, drop off, continue on to my home with my DCs. Unless you go back to work, in which case you won't be collecting your DCs. End of story.

I would normaly help but this sounds like she's looking for free child care into the bargain.

Original poster

uselfullife · 13/08/2012 14:27

Ok
to be clear
We have discussed it, and I have said that obviously I can't commit as my own situation is up in the air. and I have left it at that. no money was discussed and it was always discussed as "helping each other out" with a clear suggestion that she would help out too. How and when I don't know.

She hasn't asked outright, but she is definitely sounding me out

I don't think she is taking the piss. I think she soo wanted the place that she figured everything else could be sorted out later

I think she was hoping that she could meet some other mums that she could share childcare with, but that's not really a crime

I don't think she realised that nanny/childminders would be quite so expensive.
There is a school bus option but that works out expensive too.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 13/08/2012 14:29

Does the child's father feature in this?

halcyondays · 13/08/2012 14:31

What did she expect? Everyone knows childcare can be pretty expensive. She should have thought about the cost of childcare before deciding to send her child to a private school.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 13/08/2012 14:34

I'm always available to friends if they're stuck etc. also have had a few arrangements where we alternate taking dcs 1night a week. I've taken/collected up to 4 extra children to/from school on occasion. I still wouldn't accept responsibility for somebody else's child for 3 hours after school each day. Surely at 5yo that includes dinner time?! (or are my dcs freakish for eating at 5.30?)

Just don't offer and practise saying no.

Original poster

uselfullife · 13/08/2012 14:39

not sure why the dad can't be involved in dropoff/pickup

but mine isn't either as he works 6am til late

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 13/08/2012 14:40

Sometimes it's "sounding out" that shows someone is likely to take liberties. Of course it's different with real friends & family.

That's why I feel that she's looking for free child care, because she hasn't directly asked but has managed to make you feel pressured enough to ask for opinions on MN. Not a failing on your part, btw.

DontmindifIdo · 13/08/2012 14:44

It is irrisponsible to think "oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" because that also suggests she just thought the school holidays "would sort themselves out". She has rather left it late to start making plans, it's now too late to make major changes, she must have been banking on someone else sorting this for her.

I would suggest you step back. It's going to get messy and probably she'll have to rethink the school choice. But if she can't really afford it (and i assume she'd had to pay for the before and after clubs in later years, as well as the basic school fees being higher) then it's best for her DC that they are moved now rather than in 4-5 years time.

bubby64 · 13/08/2012 14:46

I have had various friends help out with my 2 on the 2 days a week I work, after our out of hours school club closed due to lack of funding, (no childminders available) It was 1/2hr before school, and 2 hrs after school. They were quite willing to help out, but I did it on a rota system, so nobody had them for more than 1 day a fortnight. It was a nightmare to organise, and I had to give specific lists to the school to indicate who was picking up etc, but, at the time, it was either do that, or lose my job, and my wonderful friends rallied around. I also recipricated whenever I could, babysitting their kids, taking them on days out during holidays, and having one mothers DD once a week on the day she worked. However, I would have given up my job rather than ask one person to do it all, it just wouldnt be fair. Dont do it, it is too much for her toask of one person alone.
Thank God they start High School in September, so this logistical nightmare is over!

DontmindifIdo · 13/08/2012 14:47

also, if she only works 3 days a week, it could be that she could change jobs to one where she works 5 days a week mornings only and her DH has to shift his day to do drop off, without massive changes to family finances, of course most people would start planning this at least 6 months beforehand, or at least at the point they had to pay the first term fees (which I assume you've already had to pay).

But anyway, that's not your problem, that's hers, and she will be able to sort it. Just stick to your guns that you can't do it.

Chandon · 13/08/2012 14:48

I hope you don't do it.

It really is not your responsibility. Some people think SAHMs have nothing better to do than looking after other people's children (voice of bitter experience) and they won't thank you either, they'll treat you with contempt for being such a walkover. Oh yes.

MaryPoppinsBag · 13/08/2012 15:01

I am a childminder and have had to think very carefully about the upset and upheaval for my children from providing care for other peoples children.
I have had a short break from it over the summer and love being on my own with my kids.
I am going to do another term and see how I feel about it all. But this is with a financial reward at the end of the week.

She might offer to pay you, but even if she was to pay you you'd need to register as a Childminder. And would not get registered before the start of term. You'd be lucky to get registered before half term.

Say no! Being a childminder (which is what you'd be) is not something to go into lightly.

NCForNow · 13/08/2012 15:02

don't get involved. It's her problem not yours. I go to a school which is a coouple of miles away...I chose it...my problem. We get buses. There are parents in my village whose DC also attend but NO WAY would I ask any of them to commit to helping me.

Many of them DO offer periodically to help me out and I sometimes accept. Your friend is not in a position...she's working and needs a childminder!

You could find some CM numbers and give them to her...it will suggest to her that you're not up for the commitment.

Frikadellen · 13/08/2012 15:07

I collect my friends two girls every morning and take them home after school. I offered to do this as she has no car. She often comes along but twice a week I collect as she works until 3. Her girls are lovely and funny and my friend is to. But you see a different side of people when you spend har much time together. I dont regret offering and I have made a close friend by this but the jeg is "I" offered and not onchas she taken this for granted.
If there has been sickness we work it on emergency with other friends. And is I have a trip planned she often offers to babysit mine. But I am talking 10 mins out of my day twice a day. Not 15,freaking hours.
Come September her dd1 will be returning home with me on Fridays for a tutor lesson. Again this was my suggestion. But I thought foe a long time before offering.
We have agreed to try and see hoe it goes. No way would I commit to 3 hours a day .

giraffes · 13/08/2012 15:07

You sound like a nice and considerate person, but please if you can just don't see this as your problem and please try not to get any more stressed about it. As you said, it is not a crime for her to have thought that maybe she would be able to share childcare. It does sound like you've been almost discussing it with her, but maybe you need more clarity between you, so you can fairly firmly let her know that you will only be able to mind your own child. Sounds like she is in a tizz.
Take it easy...

CrapBag · 13/08/2012 15:09

Only read the first pge but just wanted to add another don't do it!!

Sounds like a bloody nightmare and it really really isn't your concern how she will manage with childcare. Like you said what if you are ill etc.

She needs to sory out her own childcare/work arrangments and if she is struggling to afford it, it really is none of your concern. The thought of having another child with me, everyday after school sounds like a total nightmare!! You will be having them until bedtime, are you expected to provide tea as well?!

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