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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to commit to pickup and afterschool care for this other child?

117 replies

uselfullife · 13/08/2012 11:09

Getting myself really wound up about this

DS is going to school in Sept, I will have to drive as it's a couple of miles away.

Have recently met another mum whose child is going to same school and it would sort out all her problems if I was to offer to pickup and look after her child until she got home from work- approx 3 hours.

my own work situation is up in the air, I don't know if I will be working( if I do I will have to find a nanny, which we could share, but until I get a job, I can't commit to anything)

I just want to concentrate on my own pfb, he has a couple of behavioural issues, so I need to make sure he is calm. He takes all my energy and patience, and tbh I'm finding him very stressful right now.

Also I'm not really very good with other people's children. But I don't know how to explain that to her without being offensive

And, I think she is a lot more strict than me wrt to what her child eats/drinks etc

I feel really bad, not being able to say yes, I'll pick them up then play at my house for 3 hours
But the thought makes me feel ill

OP posts:
SilverSixpence · 13/08/2012 11:50

No I wouldn't do this, just say that you want to concentrate on your own DS as he starts school and she should make her own arrangements with a formal childminder.

Original poster
uselfullife · 13/08/2012 11:52

oh, and yes she pays for childcare now
but it's a private school so will still be paying

and there's no breakfast/ afterschool clubs for reception
I think she grabbed at the chance of this school, because the local options were so poor, because way too oversubsribed and now is really struggling with the logistics

OP posts:
jellybeans · 13/08/2012 11:54

I wouldn't do that. The odd time in an emergency or odd playdate is fine but not regular. As a SAHM I have to lose pay, career prospects etc but get the benefits of being able to care for my child. For those working they get paid, stay in careers, pension etc but the hassles of finding childcare etc. You shouldn't get that lumbered on you just because you are a SAHM. In my experience other people's kids are fine in moderation but would be a noghtmare all the time. Why can't she use after school clubs? Isn't it illegal anyway to use non registered childminders? (assuming you aren't a CM)

LucyLastik · 13/08/2012 11:54

I did something similiar for a friend a few years back.

DD1 started in a different school to my friend's DD. There was half an hour before finishing times, with my DD finishing before hers. The friend worked and although she had a CM, the CM was unable to collect the child from school because she was collecting at a different school.

I offered to collect her DD every day of the week. It was fine for the most part. The kids had been in nursery together and then went on to different schools so were pleased to see each other and enjoyed being with each other.

DD then changed schools and went into friend's DD's class. The relationship between the girls became difficult as they were spending all day, every day together so that resulted in them being nasty to each other on the way home.

It was at times such as when DD was off school, or I was unable to pick them up that it became tricky. Friend started to get annoyed (rightly so) and our relationship became tense. It really wasn't worth it. Now the kids can't stand each other and avoid each other at school. Friend no longer talks to me because of the issues between the kids.

I would think carefully about agreeing to this arrangement. I am changing jobs in September and am unable to collect my children from school. I have asked a local CM and sort of friend if she will collect them for me as she is at the school and walks past my house, but I offered to pay her, mentioned it once and haven't pressured her into doing it. I told her she could tell me to jog on if she thought I was taking liberties. Fortunately, she has agreed to do it, as it really only involves collecting my DC and bringing them to the end of the road where my CM (who has DD2 all day) will collect them from her (Cm collects at another school so can't be there for the actual finish time, but can get there 10 mins or so after the bell).

JumpingThroughHoops · 13/08/2012 11:58

Don't do it. It will stop you doing anything after school - ie dental appts, visiting relatives, a dash to the supermarket. It will throw out all your meal times. You will end up feeding the child. Then the mother will have to work late, the train will be delayed. What happens on days where your child may be sick? OR your DH wants a day off work? What happens if your child is invited to someones house for tea?

It's too much. Now and again to help out is one thing, but a daily thing is, as others have said, a complete piss take.

I'd probably offer to do it for a week until she gets a CM, a list of those will be available from the school office, but certainly no longer.

Chestnutx3 · 13/08/2012 11:58

She is successfully making it your problem. Don't see her until the start of term only 3 more weeks to avoid her. She needs to sort herself out before school.

If she can't afford a childminder she can't afford private school.

DontmindifIdo · 13/08/2012 12:09

It's not your problem - deciding if you can afford private education for your DCs is not just the cost of fees, but also wrap around care - if you need wrap around care it's rather rediculous to pick a school that doesn't provide it, it sounds like she can't afford to privately educate her child.

Again, that's not your problem, the majority of the country can't afford to privately educate their DCs.

There will be other private schools, there will be other state options. It is not your problem that they want a lifestyle they can't afford - why should you subsidise them? If you get a nanny that they will share, will they be able to afford to share the costs? If they can't afford a childminder, they certainly can't afford nanny costs.

DontmindifIdo · 13/08/2012 12:13

Oh, and if she's struggling now in reception to pay childminder and school fees, how is she going to cope when the DCs go up to higher years with higher costs? Every private school near us the reception year is the cheapest (and you can use childcare vouchers for the first year to help reduce the costs), the with each subsiquent year the costs increase.

Honestly, don't help her go down a road that's going to lead to debt and struggling as a family. She'd be better off saying "I can't do this" now - and either looking elsewhere for cheaper private schools or moving to an area with better state schools.

Give it 4 years and she'll be telling you she can't afford school fees and you'll be back thinking should you help her out as you can spare an extra £100 a month and it's not much and her DCs are settled...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/08/2012 12:16

There was a marvellous thread not so long ago by a lovely poster here - PreviouslyOnLost (POL), similar problem but she managed to grasp the nettle and was so relieved, it was a huge victory. Fantastic thread. I don't know where it is though, sorry... Blush

savoycabbage · 13/08/2012 12:21

Don't make any offers even for back up.

shesariver · 13/08/2012 12:25

Ooh yes I remember POLs thread, we were all cheering her on against her entitled neighbours!

Glittertwins · 13/08/2012 12:25

No way! Why can't she sort out her own after school care? 3 days a week for 3 hours a time is too much for you to do. Our after school care is inconvenient as it means I also have to drive there out of my way when I don't ordinarily use a car at all. I can't expect our friends who live closer to pick our pair up every day for me to collect from their house as its more convenient for me.

treadheavily · 13/08/2012 12:27

There is absolutely no need to get stressed about this.
Let her know, in the nicest possible way, that you are not able to help her out with this.
If that changes, you will let her know.
It doesn't matter what she thinks/how frantic she is/anything else, all that matters is that you tell her you cannot do this.
Problem solved.

LadyBeagleEyes · 13/08/2012 12:31

Absolutely not your problem OP.
No way should you agree, she's a cheeky cow for expecting it.

Peeenut · 13/08/2012 12:33

I agree with not even offering back up. I started doing the odd emergency pick up and it got more and more frequent and became a real drag on my time. If she mentions it again I'd sympathise with her and say how you don't know what you will do yourself, oh it's so hard. I bet within a term you'd find yourself doing the morning run also, because it's on your way.

I like a previous posters view point about being a SAHM and having to give up pensions, career etc sorry, I phrased that badly. I went back to work last year and it cost £19 a day for after school clubs for 2 kids. I just had to suck it up, it's short term pain and I will be the one gaining in the long term. Ther is no way I'd expect free child are from a SAHM friend.

xMumof3x · 13/08/2012 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CouthyMow · 13/08/2012 12:37

If she can't afford the Private school fees AND the wrap around care, then she can't afford the Private School.

It is unequivocally NOT your responsibility to bail her out at the expense of your own child and your own well being because she is financially over stretching herself.

She needs to look at her budget as a whole.

And what was she planning to do BEFORE she met you? Most people wouldn't choose a Private school, and not arrange wrap around care in the hopes that they could find someone to take the puss out of and expect 15 hours a week free childcare from.

So she must have had a plan in place before she met you. She will just have to stick to that plan.

And if that plan WAS to find someone to take the piss out of and wangle 15 hours a week, every week free childcare from, well, don't let that person be you!

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 13/08/2012 12:37

YANBU and stop stressing about it. It's nice that you feel like you should want to help but it is not your problem. You don't need excuses.

porcamiseria · 13/08/2012 12:38

its is NOT your fucking issue

i hate people that dont get their shit together like this, she has had years to plan

advise to make no excuses and just say NO from the outset, then she knows she needs to sort something out

porcamiseria · 13/08/2012 12:40

and its PRIVATE SCHOOL! even more yanbu

if she can afford fees she can afford childcare cheeky caaaaaaaaaah

HibernoCaledonian · 13/08/2012 12:41

Lying - I remember PreviouslyOnLost's thread too. Her neighbours were so unbelievable. Managed to find the thread if anyone's interested. Here it is. Hope it works for people because I had some of it bookmarked.

neverquitesure · 13/08/2012 12:42

I sympathise with you OP, I also find it very hard not be helpful when I am in a position to be. I second everyone else in saying that you owe it to yourself and your own child to say no though.

However, if you did want to find a middle ground (particularly if you may need to 'keep her on side' for a nanny share at some point) you could maybe suggest she finds a CM who lives between the school and your house and offer to pick her up child and drop him/her at the CM's house on your way back from school. Although you would have to make it clear that this could change if you decide to return to work or sign up to any after school clubs etc.

CouthyMow · 13/08/2012 12:44

No after school club for Reception? Childminder is the obvious solution.

I'll bet, though, that she hadn't planned to do anything but to latch onto someone, become 'friends' with them, and wangle it do that they provided her with the childcare she needed. So that would mean she had actively SOUGHT someone to take the piss out of!

And if she DID have a plan in place when she applied for the Private school, well, she will just have to stick to that.

Seriously, this woman sounds like a total user, who has latched onto you because you are local to her and will be doing the same school run, and she's been trying all along to find someone to hoodwink into doing this without having any back up plan for childcare.

I'll bet she 'found' you at the school open day, or settling in day, didn't she?!

My guess is that she spoke to lots of people until she found someone local to her that could possibly do the childcare for her, then arranged a playdate with you to "Let the DC get to know each other before they start, it'll be so nice for them to have a friend when they start..."

Seen it far too many times!

dixiechick1975 · 13/08/2012 12:45

Do not feel guilty.

You cannot agree to such a regular commitment as it would be childminding and you need to be registered for that (and paid!).

Do not agree to it as a temporary measure or you will be stuck forever.

What about when your son goes to afterschool activities - why should you have to entertain her son whilst yours has his swim lesson etc.

What if your son is ill/you are ill.

I do have arrangements with mums and will pick up a child if they are in a bind but very much a once in a blue moon or mutally beneficial eg I have an arrangement to take a classmate to an activity my DD also does every other week and that mum does the same for me meeting I get 2 hours free every other week - win win situation.

PicaK · 13/08/2012 12:49

You are a nice person but your friend hasn't even asked you so stop worrying on her behalf!

Whilst you are not working then you are losing out financially by being a sahm but benefiting from the lack of stress that having to sort childcare out can be.

i'd expect you to put you and your dc first and your friend prob does too. so yanbu.