to send this letter to my mother

[BurntToastSmell]

I've been having issues with my mother for many years now, and I cant take it any more. I've reduced contact with her and have now written this latter explaining why. Not sure how to end it though

(Note: me = Sarah; Lily = my 2 year old DD; I also have a 7mth old DS).

Dear Mum,

I am writing to you because I feel that our relationship may be un-repairable and I fear for its future. There is an engulfing climate of disrespect that I have experienced from you since I can remember, but which has got progressively worse since Lily was born. I feel that you treat me like a child and are not capable of respecting me as an adult. This is evident in your words (for example, ?Sarah I WANT you to do this for me?) and it is evident in your actions (I spent days photographing, listing, packaging and posting your stuff to make money for you ? time I could have spent with my children, yet I never received so much as a thanks from you).

When I conceived Lily I wanted it to be an opportunity to get close to you. However as time has went on I have found that your input has been overwhelming, and you have gradually started to take over. It has came to the point where I can?t tolerate the discomfort anymore ? it feels as though you are pushing me out of the mother role and inserting yourself in it. Instead of being Lily?s grandma, you are attempting to be her mother. Sometimes you even refer to Lily as ?Sarah? and yourself as ?mammy?. This is not healthy behaviour. Neither is the fact that you changed my old bedroom at your house into an entire nursery for Lily, complete with pram, cot, clothes (some of which you reserve for only when you are with her), toys, bottles, bath, highchair. It really is like you are using Lily to replace me.

I also feel that your love for me dissipated once Lily was born. I was merely a vessel to produce Lily, and now I have served my ?purpose? I am just an inconvenience to you, and a roadblock to your hold over Lily. This is in part evidenced by the way you undermine my decisions and confidence, particularly in relation to my parenting.

For example: when I explained how to deal with Lily when she was having a tantrum, you did the exact opposite, and continued to defy what I was instructing; Consequently the tantrum went on much longer than normal and Lily got more and more distressed.

When we are together, you spend a lot of time arguing with me over every little thing, often in front of Lily. It is unhealthy and confusing for Lily to witness the constant undermining of her mother. The volatile relationship between you and I is not a good mother-daughter role model for Lily to witness. You attack my parenting (example: when I had postnatal depression you said that my crying was damaging to Lily; another example: when I removed a dangerous broom from Lily and she started to cry, you accused me of hitting her). I find these attacks belittling, hurtful and hypocritical. It angers me that you can attack my parenting and accuse me of ?damaging Lily? even though I have never come close to doing what you did when I was a child (attempting suicide and sending me to live with Anne). Sometimes you even try to compete with me (example: when Lily has a tantrum you say, ?Lily never does that when she?s with me?).

It has got to the point where I feel uncomfortable, angry, dominated and belittled with you more often than I do not. I feel that taking a break from you has strengthened my relationship with Lily, increased my confidence, and made us calmer as a family.

I am 30 not 3, and I need space to find my own way as a mum. You had your turn with parenting ? now this is mine.

hh fair play to you and well done. My posts are all written from the POV that the OP is not really after no contact but really wants the mother to apologise and change. Perhaps informed too much from my own life but it does sound very much like that to me.

'You don't need her, but it's nice for your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents as they get older.'

My dcs have pet snakes instead. They're nicer and more trustworthy

Children don't need toxic grandparents who constantly undermine their parents though do they?

"Now she is crying like a baby daily about how her mother has died and she had such an awful relationship with her."

Yes it sounds like she is mourning the loss of the mother she never had - and never will have.

"If the OP just cuts contact, then it just leaves things up in the air and she will always be worrying in case this woman turns up on her doorstep or whatever."

That's how I feel. I'm glad someone understand and I'm not being crazy/weak/silly.

"SHE ended up crawling back to me but I assume only so she can see her Grandchildren".

See, I wouldn't be comfortable with that. I don't want my mother around me, because I know how she doesn't like me. Consequently I wouldn't want her around my children either, because she will manipulate them, and they are too young to understand.

"Have you stood up to her and had it out with her, without backing down before?"

No. Never.

If she wants her to apologise and change then that letter is not bad and may make her consider her actions. That letter is quite tame and reasonable tbh. I don't see how it would cause a nuclear reaction from the old bat.

Hae you tried having it out there and then with her, when an incident occurs?

"Serve it right back onto them, then get on with your life. It's like symbolically handing their nastiness back then leaving empty handed, positive, happy and free. "

That's exactly how I feel about this letter. Like I am off-loading all the hurt and pain onto her so I can walk away, free from this shit at last.

BurntToastSmell She didn't say or do anything to us. She probably said something to her Dh or other kids we don't know. She mailed a parcel with a present and letter to Ds, he was nearly 4. I gave it to him, he wrote a thank you card back and I mailed it. Never heard another word till the letter came 10 years later. Even then she used my friend to deliver the letter and ruined that friendship for me, I haven't seen the friend more than a couple of times since. She used her and I couldn't trust her any longer as the close friend she had been.

Peppin speaks much sense.

I once sent a letter to my Mum - the fallout hurt me more and didn't help much.

You can't offload/outsource your own pain. onto someone else. You can choose to reinterpret it for yourself but that is something different, and personal.

Don't be such a victim. Own your life. Own your relationships. It's not someone else's fault if you allow yourself to be treated badly. Just don't allow it. But for God's sake don't expect anyone else to change because you say so. Least of all your manipulative mother!

"Actually she behaved as she did because she knew she fucked up with me, and really wanted to try again, and love my kids as much as she can. "

That's a very interesting point, and it's one I have considered. However... if she cared so much for my daughter, why would she want to come between my daughters relationship with me? A child's strong relationship with her mother has been proven to be the most significant to their healthy development.

winkle - yes, I always do that, and she says, "why are you being a bitch?" whenever I call her up on her behaviour at the time.

You have to be absolutely sure this is what you want. It does hurt not having a mother. I feel upset sometimes, but not over my bio mother, but the mother I've never had and never will.

I think once you have your own dcs it makes you wake up and see just how wrong things are and not want that for yourself. You gain a lot of self respect when you have your own dcs because you realise how important you are to these little people and you want to protect yourself.

"I think once you have your own dcs it makes you wake up and see just how wrong things are and not want that for yourself. You gain a lot of self respect when you have your own dcs because you realise how important you are to these little people and you want to protect yourself."

YES. It has took becoming a mother myself to realise how important good mothering is. And how toxic bad mothering can become. I am a better mother myself when I have no contact with her.

Do you have any emotional attachment to this person at all OP?

If she was diagnosed with a terminal illness or died tomorrow would you feel upset? Would you feel happy if she turned up at your door, apologised profusely and begged forgiveness? If you heard something catastrophic had happened in her life, would your inclination be to go around and help her?

If the answer to these questions is "no", then send the letter and move on. Concentrate on your dd and don't look back.

I don't think you will walk away though. The letter is far too nice and reasonable for that. It doesn't cut contact, in fact it does the opposite - it leaves open the possibility of being close again.

If you seriously want to cut contact forever, you need to be much more specific. 'feeling that your relationship may be un-repairable' isn't as clear as 'Piss off and never speak to me again'.

Sending this letter, as it stands, will not leave you free from the shit. It will bring more shit.

Oh, believe me, I wasn't welcoming her back with open arms. I just kept having it out with her, until the point my sibling begged me to sort something out as life at home was horrible with the moods. The only reason I tolerate her is for my sibling.

My Mother doesn't get the chance to manipulate my children, as she is lucky to see them for a few days once every 3ish months as I have my sibling come and visit me instead. Gets them away from the eggshells at home, and it suits me far better as I don't have to be in a confined space with her. She has no one but herself to blame for that, and I think she is slowly realizing this.

Even if though, you seriously want nothing more to do with her, I would say going and having it out with her face to face would have a better result. A letter can just be shoved aside, which is what I would do if I received a letter bad mouthing me, or ripped up, and I think it would drag things out even longer as she won't just take it. And trust me, there is nothing like the relief from standing up to them, it makes you a stronger person who realizes that it isn't that hard to stand up to people, and you then do it more often. It can be rather empowering.

"If she was diagnosed with a terminal illness or died tomorrow would you feel upset?"

Yes I'd probably be upset.

"Would you feel happy if she turned up at your door, apologised profusely and begged forgiveness?"

No I'd feel uncomfortable.

"If you heard something catastrophic had happened in her life, would your inclination be to go around and help her?"

No.

"If you seriously want to cut contact forever, you need to be much more specific. 'feeling that your relationship may be un-repairable' isn't as clear as 'Piss off and never speak to me again'."

Very true. I'm glad you pointed this out. I need to change the letter to make it more final.

OP, I agree with Limeleaf that your letter wasn't really final at all -- it felt like you were getting a whole lot of things off your chest, but nowhere did you actually say 'I don't want you in my life any more.'
As it stands, it almsot demands a response from her.
Just tell her you have decided you don't want to see her any more, for the reasons you have given. And block her calls or change you number.

Can I just clarify (because I casually put 'piss off' in my post), I wouldn't actually use rude language or insults... it invites them back again - rather just use more definite language (no more 'I feel' or 'may be').

I have to go to bed now, but hope you are OK, finding it helpful to talk, and I wish you luck.

good god bloody computer just ate a mega long post

op in my next post im going to pretend im your mother. (i know several very manipulative people and know how they would respond to that letter) i kinda want to give you the heads up as to what will be the likly response so you have a vague idea as to what you may have happen.

once again i do not belive any of the following and i am not attacking you at all, to make it easyer im going to break it down into bullit points as that will be quicker for me to type.

dear daughter

1. i am very sorry you feel that way,i cannot help how you feel and i ahve done nothing to warrent it.

2.i have never disrespected you how dare you say i have,you were a very differcult child i thought you had grown out of it but obviously i was wrong,if you want ed to be treated like an adult dont act like a child.

1. how very nice of you,making it clear you resent doing a faver for your own mother just shows how crap you are.

4.you clearly had a child to forfill your own needs and i wouldnt have to take over if you wernt so crap at being a parent.

5.you create the discomfort by your appaling parenting, i provided those things for your child because you are quite frankly such a shockingly bad mother that i had to as i am concerned she will end up having to live with me if i am not prepared then this will make it harder for me to deal with (insert way more woe me type stuff here)

1. i wouldnt have to intervine if you were a better mother how do you think i feel having to cope with your problems and your lack of care of your child,i never refer to myself as her mummy its not my fault you cant actually mother her correctly.

7.our relationship is not volitile its normal i care about you and poor dear lilly,you are volitile and aggressive and why dont you just admit that you really did hurt her you know you did,if you cant admit it how do i know you wont do it again.

8.how dare you attempt to use my own illness and history against me in this way you have no idea how differcult my life was how much trouble you caused me and how hard it is for me to now watch you do the exact thing i have spent your whole life worrying would happen when you had children of your own.im sure you remember it differently but just ask xyz they will prove how wonderfull i was and how differcult you made it for me.(again more woe woe me stuff here)

1. lilly never ever crys or has tantrums with me when you are not around this is evidence of just how crap you are.

10. if you insist apon ignoring me and not allowing me to see lilly to check she is ok and you are not harming her i will have no option but to involve social services poor lilly deserves to be protected from this harm,she is not a weapon for you to use just to try and hurt me more.you even admit in your letter that you are not a confident mother i only want to help you.

insert more crap about how much she loves you and just wants you to improve as a parent and person and will allways be here for you.
love allways mum

now imagine the person writting this is somebody who is surposed to love you, would you find it very differcult to deal with? if no and you can just ignore it then go ahead and send the letter.but if it really is still very raw and stuff like that would add to the hurt why dont you keep the letter and wait untill a time when you can deal with it better. its not about letting her get away with it nor is it about you shutting up and putting up its not even about you not expressing your feelings.
its about minimising the risk of her causeing you more problems untill she no longer has the power to do so.your silience could be you having your say at the moment.

Also, I would prepare yourself as a friend of mine had a huge bust up with her Dad and stopped him seeing her and her DC. He even hit her in front of the children. He ended up dragging her through the courts and caused her so much stress, was hounding her at her works etc that she had to move, change jobs and change her name by deed poll, and is currently looking into moving again as someone he knows has spotted her and she is petrified of leaving her front door. It can turn very nasty with the likes of these people.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

don't send it.
do text or call her to say 'mum, you have to step back a bit. i'm lily's mum and i'm going to do it my way'.
print off your letter and take it to your gp and get put on the waiting list for counselling. you might have to wait six months.
your relationship with your mum is eating away at you. if you send your letter that will eat away at you too.
give yourself time away from your mum to grow stronger, then think about this again.
this might help

Do not send it. She sounds toxic and manipulative. She will just turn it round on you. From what you've written it seems highly unlikely she'll suddenly realise she's been a total mare and apologise then change.
Do say something though as you have to be able to stand up for yourself.

What pixie has said above is just the type of response your letter will receive. I think you are giving your mother far too much power by sending it. Nice, rational people deserve explanations, they will take your feelings on board. Cruel, toxic people deserve silence from you.

Take back the control, don't send it. Your silence will say more to her than a letter will.