to send this letter to my mother

[BurntToastSmell]

I've been having issues with my mother for many years now, and I cant take it any more. I've reduced contact with her and have now written this latter explaining why. Not sure how to end it though

(Note: me = Sarah; Lily = my 2 year old DD; I also have a 7mth old DS).

Dear Mum,

I am writing to you because I feel that our relationship may be un-repairable and I fear for its future. There is an engulfing climate of disrespect that I have experienced from you since I can remember, but which has got progressively worse since Lily was born. I feel that you treat me like a child and are not capable of respecting me as an adult. This is evident in your words (for example, ?Sarah I WANT you to do this for me?) and it is evident in your actions (I spent days photographing, listing, packaging and posting your stuff to make money for you ? time I could have spent with my children, yet I never received so much as a thanks from you).

When I conceived Lily I wanted it to be an opportunity to get close to you. However as time has went on I have found that your input has been overwhelming, and you have gradually started to take over. It has came to the point where I can?t tolerate the discomfort anymore ? it feels as though you are pushing me out of the mother role and inserting yourself in it. Instead of being Lily?s grandma, you are attempting to be her mother. Sometimes you even refer to Lily as ?Sarah? and yourself as ?mammy?. This is not healthy behaviour. Neither is the fact that you changed my old bedroom at your house into an entire nursery for Lily, complete with pram, cot, clothes (some of which you reserve for only when you are with her), toys, bottles, bath, highchair. It really is like you are using Lily to replace me.

I also feel that your love for me dissipated once Lily was born. I was merely a vessel to produce Lily, and now I have served my ?purpose? I am just an inconvenience to you, and a roadblock to your hold over Lily. This is in part evidenced by the way you undermine my decisions and confidence, particularly in relation to my parenting.

For example: when I explained how to deal with Lily when she was having a tantrum, you did the exact opposite, and continued to defy what I was instructing; Consequently the tantrum went on much longer than normal and Lily got more and more distressed.

When we are together, you spend a lot of time arguing with me over every little thing, often in front of Lily. It is unhealthy and confusing for Lily to witness the constant undermining of her mother. The volatile relationship between you and I is not a good mother-daughter role model for Lily to witness. You attack my parenting (example: when I had postnatal depression you said that my crying was damaging to Lily; another example: when I removed a dangerous broom from Lily and she started to cry, you accused me of hitting her). I find these attacks belittling, hurtful and hypocritical. It angers me that you can attack my parenting and accuse me of ?damaging Lily? even though I have never come close to doing what you did when I was a child (attempting suicide and sending me to live with Anne). Sometimes you even try to compete with me (example: when Lily has a tantrum you say, ?Lily never does that when she?s with me?).

It has got to the point where I feel uncomfortable, angry, dominated and belittled with you more often than I do not. I feel that taking a break from you has strengthened my relationship with Lily, increased my confidence, and made us calmer as a family.

I am 30 not 3, and I need space to find my own way as a mum. You had your turn with parenting ? now this is mine.

I was in the same situation. Probably wise not to send the letter, especially if you're hoping for a positive response. She will only think you are spouting some psycho babble nonsense and interpret it as a childish behaviour.

People like that play complicated games themselves, but only recognise simple behaviour in others. Don't be patient, don't be self-sacrificing, don't be gracious, don't be conciliatory. Where your daughter is concerned, be bossy in a calm way. Be assertive in a loud way. Tell her exactly what is happening, practice saying 'My daughter, my rules' in a LOUD voice. If your mum doesn't like it, suggests she goes home. If you're at her house, leave. If she says anything you don't want to hear regarding Lily, just make it clear that you're not listening and you don't care.

If she tries to get with the programme, welcome her, but be prepared to do the assertive 'my daughter my rules' at least once an hour! Stay on your guard and challenge EVERYTHING. If you let something slide, it will grow to be a bigger thing.

And resign yourself to your mum being the person that she is. She will never have the maturity to read and respond to your letter. There's nothing you can do to change her. But she probably does love you both, as well as she is able.

Sorry not read whole thread but about to now, does she have mental health issues? OCD?

Send it. I would.

And have you had any counselling to help?

I have had a similarly difficult relationship with my mother at times, she had issues and led to manipulative behaviour at times, and I found when I had my DCs that I started to behave like it too.... I suffered from PND as a result but immediately sought help so that I didn't end up being the same. I think sometimes it's harder than we realise to shake off things that have been embedded in us whilst we grew up. You sound like you're nothing like you're mum, but maybe counselling might help you to be more assertive and lose the feelings of guilt and fear when she gets in touch.

I don't think you should send your version of the letter, I'd file it away and take strength from the fact of writing it, it must have been cathartic? I'd probably go with the shorter version suggested by a previous poster if you do want to tell her to back off.

Hi everyone. I didn't send the letter. I didn't send any letter. I still haven't made contact. But today I received a text:

"Can I come and see you for half an hour tomorrow morning?"

and then the same message again an hour later. And then 10 minutes after that she sent:

"After all i have done for u in your lifetime the sacrifices ive made and neither of u treat me with any respect you depribe the children of a grandma who loves them. Your dad would be spining. Well go to hell.,..."

Dad's dead btw.

I'm shaking and my heart is pounding. How can this text have such an effect on me? I feel sick.

Need some hand holding.

Oh dear, I was just about to post don't send the letter but then saw that you haven't.

Poor you

Block her on your phone for starters, you don't need to see crap texts like that!

How do you block?

Just delete her number and anything that comes through that you don't recognise, don't look at or answer.

Talk to your phone provider about blocking her number. If that can't be done then change your number.

I think not sending the letter was a good decision, and if you do send anything make it short and concise like magic's example.

What was your relationship with your dad like? Try not to let her make you feel guilty. You are breaking a cycle here. You are right to put your children first and sound like a loving responsible mum.

Make a factual record of examples of things that have happened.

If it was me, I wouldn't block her number. Yet. I would continue to allow her to text me, so you can have proof of how unreasonable she is if she did take you to court.

But, if that isn't what you want, some phones you can block the number yourself by going into your message settings. If you can't on your phone, ring your network provider but sometimes, they ask for a crime ID number so you may end up having to ring and report her for harassment which may then end up turning ugly.

Is your mother a reasonable person, who will think, "gosh, I've really been upsetting Sarah. I need to work on making it up to Sarah, and stop overstepping boundaries?" If not, then don't send that letter.

You will get abusive/manipulative/upset texts for ages, as she exercises what she will see as her right of reply.

I once spent days drafting a letter, in order to explain my problems clearly and factually. It was the eighth Wonder of the World by the time I'd finished! Among other things, I explained why I thought particular text messages were vile. What happened? I got more of them.

I suspect your mother will just mentally skate over what she doesn't want to hear, and then initiate a dialogue monologue explaining her point of view.

Oh x-post.

Can you get a new, cheap phone, and put your present sim card in it? Then change your number to everyone else.

That would enable you to only see your mother's messages when you wanted to, and you would be able to keep them for evidence later.

"What was your relationship with your dad like?"

It was pretty good, although he was quite authoritarian. He cheated on my mum and left during my childhood, so not sure why he'd be spinning at the thought of me not talking to her?

She just said it to rattle you really, even if your dad was the biggest bastard alive she would have still said it!

You are definitely doing the right thing, try not to give her too much headspace - easier said than done I realise.

Thanks for the reassurance. I feel slightly shaky in my decision so it's good to hear someone saying I'm doing the right thing. DH isn't too supportive.

I sent my Mum a letter when I was younger because I was deeply hurt at the age of 17 of being abandoned by her for another woman and when trying to reconnect she abandoned me again.

It resulted in us having a conversation and her telling me she was deeply upset by what I had written.

I then had nothing to do with her for a year.

Even now our relationship is not fantastic, but my ds7 sees her quite a lot.

She has now got a life limiting disease so its even harder.

Just got another text:

"I need my grandchildren. I am so lonely. Please help me".

Further guilt tripping.

Has she asked how they are? If they are missing her? Has she asked how you, her daughter, is doing? No she hasn't - it's all about her. There's no thought for anyone but herself.

The older your dcs get the harder it will be to make the break. Stay strong. x

I agree its all about her.
Cannot put anyone else's needs before her own, as much as she may say/believe shes doing it for the grandchildren shes clearly not

Ignore the spiteful, manipulative cow. And send whatever letter you want provided you are doing it as a way of unburdening yourself. Don't send anything, letter, text, email if you're actually expecting any kind of healing dialogue. You won't get it. But send what you like as long as you can happily ignore any subsequent responses. Basically, ignore what she wants or 'needs' and put yoursef first. What do you need to do to feel better about this situation?

I decided I needed to reduce contact for very similar reasons to you but I chose to have a conversation instead of sending a letter. It ended up being all my fault, she stormed out the house and sent me text after text of abuse. She also told me after I've finished her ironing I was never allowed in her house again, and yes I did finish it more fool me

I tried to have a reduced contact relationship with her for a while but eventually I got sick of the abuse and told her so aswell as telling her there was nothing else to say until she was ready to Appologise and treat me how she wants to be treated.

Mum has tried playing silly buggers telling friends and family about my evil behaviour as well as trying to cause trouble with messages passed through other people but I just ignore it and tbh I'm happier than I've been for years. I'd say decide what you want from your mum, spell it out exactly in your letter then send it. But don't think it will make everything better.

"I can't, I've gone to hell, like you told me to"

I think I'm going to send the letter; to unburden my guilt, and then quit contact.

I'll modify the letter so it sounds final.

Just be sure, Burnt, and make sure you feel strong enough to cope with any fall out. Actually, though, not giving a shit any more is a wonderfully liberating experience. Good luck.