to send this letter to my mother

[BurntToastSmell]

I've been having issues with my mother for many years now, and I cant take it any more. I've reduced contact with her and have now written this latter explaining why. Not sure how to end it though

(Note: me = Sarah; Lily = my 2 year old DD; I also have a 7mth old DS).

Dear Mum,

I am writing to you because I feel that our relationship may be un-repairable and I fear for its future. There is an engulfing climate of disrespect that I have experienced from you since I can remember, but which has got progressively worse since Lily was born. I feel that you treat me like a child and are not capable of respecting me as an adult. This is evident in your words (for example, ?Sarah I WANT you to do this for me?) and it is evident in your actions (I spent days photographing, listing, packaging and posting your stuff to make money for you ? time I could have spent with my children, yet I never received so much as a thanks from you).

When I conceived Lily I wanted it to be an opportunity to get close to you. However as time has went on I have found that your input has been overwhelming, and you have gradually started to take over. It has came to the point where I can?t tolerate the discomfort anymore ? it feels as though you are pushing me out of the mother role and inserting yourself in it. Instead of being Lily?s grandma, you are attempting to be her mother. Sometimes you even refer to Lily as ?Sarah? and yourself as ?mammy?. This is not healthy behaviour. Neither is the fact that you changed my old bedroom at your house into an entire nursery for Lily, complete with pram, cot, clothes (some of which you reserve for only when you are with her), toys, bottles, bath, highchair. It really is like you are using Lily to replace me.

I also feel that your love for me dissipated once Lily was born. I was merely a vessel to produce Lily, and now I have served my ?purpose? I am just an inconvenience to you, and a roadblock to your hold over Lily. This is in part evidenced by the way you undermine my decisions and confidence, particularly in relation to my parenting.

For example: when I explained how to deal with Lily when she was having a tantrum, you did the exact opposite, and continued to defy what I was instructing; Consequently the tantrum went on much longer than normal and Lily got more and more distressed.

When we are together, you spend a lot of time arguing with me over every little thing, often in front of Lily. It is unhealthy and confusing for Lily to witness the constant undermining of her mother. The volatile relationship between you and I is not a good mother-daughter role model for Lily to witness. You attack my parenting (example: when I had postnatal depression you said that my crying was damaging to Lily; another example: when I removed a dangerous broom from Lily and she started to cry, you accused me of hitting her). I find these attacks belittling, hurtful and hypocritical. It angers me that you can attack my parenting and accuse me of ?damaging Lily? even though I have never come close to doing what you did when I was a child (attempting suicide and sending me to live with Anne). Sometimes you even try to compete with me (example: when Lily has a tantrum you say, ?Lily never does that when she?s with me?).

It has got to the point where I feel uncomfortable, angry, dominated and belittled with you more often than I do not. I feel that taking a break from you has strengthened my relationship with Lily, increased my confidence, and made us calmer as a family.

I am 30 not 3, and I need space to find my own way as a mum. You had your turn with parenting ? now this is mine.

Definitely agree with those who say you will never get an apology from this woman. I have confronted my DM many times, buy email, text and once or twice face to face. It always ends in her crying, or getting angry and driving off. It also always, without fail, ends in her bewailing her shiteness as a mother in a really fake way, leading me to feel guily and reassure her, therefore turning it into an 'all about her' conversation.
she was abused as a child, and I feel I can't hurt her as her parents did, so I stick around.
I have come to toerms with the fact that she will never apologise for what she did, BUT I no longer take any crap. If she behaves like your Mother does with you in front of the chldren I tell her there and then. 'It's not acceptable for you to do that I am x's mother, I make the decisions here.' She now has the message that she tows the ine or doesn't see the children.
I'm not sure your DM has that message yet, perhaos you need to tell her face to face? That might give you more closure than a letter, which never worked for me. Too easy for them to ignore.

I would agree to put the letter away for now. I have just such a letter currently tucked into my handbag :)

If it were me though, I wouldn't explain how I was feeling as you know that won't do any good. Keep it factual. Text her to say you don't like her behaviour and if she doesn't stop texting you, you'll be forced to change your number.

What's not in question is that you need to get yourself and your dd away from this toxic woman.

It's naughty toddler time. Firm, concise statements and repeat, repeat, repeat.

Socknickingpixie - thanks for taking the time to write that. To answer your Q:

"now imagine the person writting this is somebody who is surposed to love you, would you find it very differcult to deal with?"

If anything it would confirm even further that I am making the right decision by cutting contact. Not that I need confirmation, but I think DH could do with the reassurance.

Kabooooom - court has been on my mind, and I have looked into the legal side of things. That's why cutting contact now if vitally important. The more contact she has - the more leverage she would have in court. I know this has the potential to get very messy in court, but I shouldn't let that fear hold me back from doing what is right for my family. The fear of going to court is yet another way she can control me. She has already threatened it btw.

I wouldn't send the letter as it is your first one and has come out very raw and full of emotion. I would keep it in a safe place however.

You have had years and years of suffering at the hands of your mother. Your feelings are not going to come out just once nor will they come out perfectly the first few times. hopefully however you've found the process cathartic.

If I were you I would decide on a time period - say a month - and over that period of time, decide that you are going to write a number of letters to your mum, say 10. Some of them Dias stream of consciousness and just let it all flood out. But do at least one of them where you actively try to be as direct, abrupt and if necessary as rude as possible do another one where you couch it in as nice language as possible and possibly open to discussion (like when you say relationship may be unrepairable) and another one where you form the body of the letter as a table setting out the facts of the things she has done wrong or how she has upset you, then example(s) of this and then how this made you feel. You could also have a column for what you wish her behaviour had been in an ideal world and a column where you anticipate her reaction to your comment and you pre-empt it.. Finally write one about it all as if you are somebody close and loving to you (partner, sibling, fairy godmother etc) watching the situation and writing the letter.

The letters don't have to be done in any particular order and some will be more difficult to write than others. You don't need to do the exact number you set out to - you may find you want to write more once you get going or you don't need all of them but try to write at least a couple of heartfelt ones and a couple of the ones from a different viewpoint.

Then stick them all in a drawer and leave them for a month. If something else comes to you that's fine, jot it down and add it to your pile but don't look at the others.

After a month, get them out, sit down with a glass of wine where you won't be disturbed and read them all through, then read them through again.

Sleep on it and then the next day you can write THE letter that you want to send, pulling in the best bits of all the letters you've written. The ones that you've written from different viewpoints will give you insight into when you are leaving your mum to infer too much and make sure everything is clear. Even when you've done this you might want to leave it overnight and check you are still happy with it. Even do a couple of drafts.

Only then, when you are happy with it, you can send it. And hopefully at the end of it you will feel you have done yourself justice and the process of writing the letters will have helped.

Oops sorry, didn't realise that was going to be so long

"Your silence will say more to her than a letter will."

Can you elaborate on this?

"What's not in question is that you need to get yourself and your dd away from this toxic woman."

Thank you. I've never been in doubt.

I'm so sorry. I could have written that letter. It took me years of therapy and now counselling to finally realise how toxic my mother is.

I strongly suspect that your mother doesn't see you as a 'real' separate person. I suspect she sees you as an extension of herself and as such there will be no boundaries between you. She will also react to anything you do that differs from her, as being both wrong and a huge threat. Hence the aggression and nastiness.

She will start to treat your daughter the same way she treated you, as she will default to the same 'extension of me' position with her as well. You have to protect your daughter from her.

This doesn't necessarily mean cutting her completely out of your life, but you need to psychologically separate from her so that you can protect yourself and not be hurt by her. This is possible but you will need help to do it.

Whatever you decide to do, I think it's imperative to get counselling to deal with this by yourself. Also, I strongly recommend reading this

Good Luck, I am walking in your shoes and know how hard it is

"I strongly suspect that your mother doesn't see you as a 'real' separate person. I suspect she sees you as an extension of herself and as such there will be no boundaries between you."

I think this is true. Do you know which book would be the most appropriate to read, which explores this type of behaviour? Does the book you linked to explore this aspect?

"Your silence will say more to her than a letter will."

'Can you elaborate on this?'

Anything you say will be twisted by her to fit her own agenda. Narcissistic types won't ever examine their own behaviour they will always look for someone else to blame. If you send her this letter you give her ammo to send a return letter like the one posted above.

If you say nothing, change your number and ignore her there is nothing she can fight against. She can't guilt trip you unless you allow communication.

Toxic parents by Susan Foreward helped me cut my dad out of my life, as did another book on narcissistic parents. I can find it on amazon and get back to you if you think it may help. The ideas about you being an extension of her is part of the narcissism.

It was this one. Not cheap but bloody good

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0787908703/ref=mp_s_a_5?qid=1344852990&sr=8-5

I agree with not sending it.It won't have the effect you want. She will just get defensive/ aggressive and turn it on you somehow.

If you want to write keep it short and sweet.

Dear Mum,

I have thought long and hard about this. I think it's best if we do not meet for the foreseeable future. We have very different ideas about parenting, and your lack of support for me is beginning to impact on my daughter. She needs to be around loving people who care for her and her family. Lately she has been noticeably happier and calmer (during the time we have seen much less of you) and I cannot ignore that. She comes first.

Please do not text me.

Sarah

I know your letter does say how you feel, but she can argue you are paranoid/ ranting/ anxious/ depressed (not saying you are by the way). Keep it in a drawer. Keep your dialogue polite and concise - always gives much less ammunition, and cutting all your emotion out of it makes you seem completely in control.

MagicHouse I like your letter. It's disarming. Thank you.

You may find this helpful, OP; it is written from the point of view of a grandparent seeking contact, but forewarned is fore-armed! And it seems to me, looking at your history, that such a parent as yours would have a hard time persuading the court that contact between her and her grandchild would be beneficial for the child as well as for the family as a whole.

It might be time to write down the instances where her behaviour has caused distress to Lily and you, and your reasons for not allowing her to have contact, just in case.

And, please don't take offence, would your mother have the sort of stamina and determination to pursue such a case, when, frankly, she sounds rather flaky and over-emotional, neither of which would exactly help further her cause?

Not sure whether this book has already been suggested, but I found it helped me a lot and it doesn't cost much.

Toxic Parents - Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

And also this book may be of some help to you.

Overcoming Childhood Trauma

Really wishing you all the best in whatever you decide to do OP.

Your letter says: "The volatile relationship between you and I is ....." Please alter it to: "The volatile relationship between you and me is ...."

As other posters have said do not send it, it will crreate a furthere divide between you. The letter sggested by MagicHouse is less ermm provocative.

tartyflette thanks for the link. It says,

" you will need to persuade the court that you have a meaningful and on-going relationship with your grandchildren, which significantly benefits their lives"

This is one of the reasons why I must cut contact now while my children are still so young.

"would your mother have the sort of stamina and determination to pursue such a case"

I wouldn't put anything past her. She threw my brother out when he was a teen because he suffered from schizophrenia. She then phoned the police on him when he tried to return home.

op nobody but nobody is saying dont cut contact. we are just saying do it but dont give her any power to harm you further or more,

if shes the type of person who may attempt to go to court ect if you forwarn her of your intentions untill a lack of contact has allready been established she has power to try and may feel it is easyer for her to do so. purely from that perspective giving her the heads up will arm her, just keeping up with not responding to her and ignoring her will not

Oh definitely don't send your first letter - she has shown you that she doesn't give a shit about your feelings so don't give her the chance to use them against you. Just change your number/ have her number blocked and concentrate on resolving your feelings about her and building your own relationship with your DD.

I doubt very much the courts would be interested in issuing her with a contact order and they are unenforceable in situations such as this anyway. She doesn't have a leg to stand on.

hidden a court order is enforcable if its a actual court order.

and its not about the courts being intrested in it its about the gp walking into a solisiters and being told she has a chance so trying and causing more stress for the mum and dad.
when compared to her seeing one and being told that she has no chance due to status quo

The courts have limited powers in these cases. They have enough difficulty enforcing an order if it's a parent who's involved, but a grandparent is virtually impossible. If a parent objects to a GP from having contact then, chances are, they won't push it.

I wouldn't count on it hidden. When it was my friend who went, she was frowned upon for keeping her children away from her Father due to the fact she couldn't prove he was a danger to them. He even got family members and friends to give him character references.

In the end, he was granted 4 hours every fortnight, but due to his history with my friend, her sister had to take her children and stay for the visit, then bring them back to her. Didn't last long though, he soon stopped turning up. I think he only wanted to get one up on my friend as now he is obsessed about finding where she lives. It wasn't to do with the Grandchildren IMO, it was all about hurting and controlling my friend.

If your friend had refused to comply with the contact order, there is very little the court would have been able to have done about it. Fathers find it difficult enough to see their children if the mother won't comply with a contact order. Applying to court is expensive and time consuming, all but the most determined and well off can stick it.

Ah, well, I don't exactly know the ins and outs of how it works to be honest. Don't think my friend did neither, as she just did as she was told for fear of the shit she could get into. If she had known that nothing really would come of it, I think she would of just ignored it and stuck her two fingers up instead (at her Father of course, not the Judge)

I've been through the court system a few times and they do rely on people like your friend being frightened by authority and giving in. They can transfer residence in cases of repeated ignoring of contact orders by one parent against another, but don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to GPs. A determined parent/s can easily prevent contact with GPs with very few sanctions coming their way.