to send this letter to my mother

[BurntToastSmell]

I've been having issues with my mother for many years now, and I cant take it any more. I've reduced contact with her and have now written this latter explaining why. Not sure how to end it though

(Note: me = Sarah; Lily = my 2 year old DD; I also have a 7mth old DS).

Dear Mum,

I am writing to you because I feel that our relationship may be un-repairable and I fear for its future. There is an engulfing climate of disrespect that I have experienced from you since I can remember, but which has got progressively worse since Lily was born. I feel that you treat me like a child and are not capable of respecting me as an adult. This is evident in your words (for example, ?Sarah I WANT you to do this for me?) and it is evident in your actions (I spent days photographing, listing, packaging and posting your stuff to make money for you ? time I could have spent with my children, yet I never received so much as a thanks from you).

When I conceived Lily I wanted it to be an opportunity to get close to you. However as time has went on I have found that your input has been overwhelming, and you have gradually started to take over. It has came to the point where I can?t tolerate the discomfort anymore ? it feels as though you are pushing me out of the mother role and inserting yourself in it. Instead of being Lily?s grandma, you are attempting to be her mother. Sometimes you even refer to Lily as ?Sarah? and yourself as ?mammy?. This is not healthy behaviour. Neither is the fact that you changed my old bedroom at your house into an entire nursery for Lily, complete with pram, cot, clothes (some of which you reserve for only when you are with her), toys, bottles, bath, highchair. It really is like you are using Lily to replace me.

I also feel that your love for me dissipated once Lily was born. I was merely a vessel to produce Lily, and now I have served my ?purpose? I am just an inconvenience to you, and a roadblock to your hold over Lily. This is in part evidenced by the way you undermine my decisions and confidence, particularly in relation to my parenting.

For example: when I explained how to deal with Lily when she was having a tantrum, you did the exact opposite, and continued to defy what I was instructing; Consequently the tantrum went on much longer than normal and Lily got more and more distressed.

When we are together, you spend a lot of time arguing with me over every little thing, often in front of Lily. It is unhealthy and confusing for Lily to witness the constant undermining of her mother. The volatile relationship between you and I is not a good mother-daughter role model for Lily to witness. You attack my parenting (example: when I had postnatal depression you said that my crying was damaging to Lily; another example: when I removed a dangerous broom from Lily and she started to cry, you accused me of hitting her). I find these attacks belittling, hurtful and hypocritical. It angers me that you can attack my parenting and accuse me of ?damaging Lily? even though I have never come close to doing what you did when I was a child (attempting suicide and sending me to live with Anne). Sometimes you even try to compete with me (example: when Lily has a tantrum you say, ?Lily never does that when she?s with me?).

It has got to the point where I feel uncomfortable, angry, dominated and belittled with you more often than I do not. I feel that taking a break from you has strengthened my relationship with Lily, increased my confidence, and made us calmer as a family.

I am 30 not 3, and I need space to find my own way as a mum. You had your turn with parenting ? now this is mine.

oh and I found this book helpful.

Please don't send. Just ignore her texts and be firm with her if she calls about wanting to see you etc but the letter is not a good idea - people like this are experts at twisting words to make it all your fault .... it might end up with you having to apologise or something?!

"Your mother will be immediately on the defensive ,unlikely to rationalise any of your points and will be on the attack because she will feel criticised as a mother."

• jaffa, what can she do? If she feels angry, that's her problem.

"even accuse you of remembering this differently to how they where"

She does this all the time.

"You need to disengage. Cut the cord. The way to do this is by not telling her you are doing it. She is used to controlling you and the worse thing you can do to her is to eliminate her ability to do so by just not engaging at all."

I keep getting texts though, and every time one arrives I feel sick with fear, guilt, confusion. By sending this letter I am letting her know that I won't tolerate it any longer, and that I'm aware of what she's doing. Most of all, it will make me feel less guilty. Also if I don't send it, I will always wonder.

LimeLeafLizard - how could I stop the texts? I've already texted that I want to be alone with my family.

She lives quite close yes. About 40mins drive.

"She could have printed my letter in the DM for all I cared. It was total finish time and I just didn't give a stuff."

• hiddenhome, that's exactily how I feel. I don't care if she shows the rest of the family, bitches about me, etc. I'm done.

I don't know why people are squeamish about upsetting people. They have to take ownership of their emotions and past wrongdoing. Why tiptoe around them? Tell 'em straight and move on. What they make of things after that is up to them. I'd hate to think I'd ever upset my dcs like this.

Contact your phone provider and have them block the texts. Tell them they're abusive and upsetting and you need to have them stopped. They will do this for you, or issue you with a new number

Have to chime in with DO NOT SEND IT.
Keep it yes, add to it, read it back to yourself. She will use it as another stick with which to beat you. She will not 'hear' what you have to say, she wont get the message. Her defences are too high and this letter wont get over them.

The worst that can happen....hmmmm....well she will probably redouble her efforts to gain control over you, she will use it as evidence of how cruel you are and recruit others to her team to get you to 'see' that she is trying to contact you because she loves you. You will probably come under more pressure than before and if you crumble you will never have the option of cutting contact again (because if she can reel you back in once.....)

You'll always wonder WHAT?

The way you're talking, you're going to send this letter and your mum is going to read it, realise the damage she has done to you, and wholeheartedly apologise and reinvent her behaviour as a result. Newsflash: this will only happen in your fantasy life. IRL, the best case is she reads it, concludes you want no further contact, and never contacts you again.

Clearly, that outcome is not going to give you the closure you are looking for.

I urge you to have a look at this: www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/Daughters%20of%20Narcissistic%20Mothers.pdf

(sorry can't do links on phone)

Take control of your own emotions. Your mum is not going to give you what you want.

And you can easily stop the texts by simply changing your phone no. If you really want to stop the dialogue, of course.

i would second the block her number thing.

i think its great that you got your feelings down on paper but it sounds like all this is still very raw so you may not be in the best possition to withstand her notching it up as i expect she will.

Dh cut his mother out of our lives, she tried to take over oldest Ds. She offered to raise him and let Dh see him on weekends after he got rid of me! So he said bye and never looked back.
He didn't need to write a letter, she knows what she has done to him since he was a child. She however sent him a letter probably 10 years later. It was full of me me me how everyone had done her wrong, how we didn't undertand and got it all wrong, defeding herself about things she had done to other family memeber who we still had contact with. Dh refused to even look at it, told me to read it and throw it. I stuck it in a drawer as he may want to see it one day. Also she tends to twist whatver to her advantage, so if I threw it out, she could say she never said this or that as there would be no proof.
It sucks, but our kids need a Mum and Dad who love each other and are together more than they need her.
So if you need to send it to finish off this relationship do it, but she knows whats she's done, she's in denial and will never admit wrong.

What is the OP supposed to do then? Be an obediant little daughter and just suck it up?

Aren't people permitted to have their say, regardless of how the other person reacts or receives it? Even if she shows it to others, they will probably see what the OP is up against.

I don't think the texts will stop if you send the letter, though. I think in your letter you just give her lots of ammunition to attack you with and her texts will re-double, accusing, cajoling, doing whatever it takes to get back into a position of control over you and your daughter.

Could you just change your phone number? It would be a hassle but do-able.

Could you write a much shorter letter, along the lines of 'Mum, I am not happy with the way you treat me. Taking a break from you has been a relief, and I am not ready to see you again yet. Please stop texting me, as I won't reply.'

40 mins is quite close, but could be worse, at least she isn't round the corner.

2 weeks ago I would have said send it. But since I practically did the same to my sisters resulting in a fall out with one and radio silence from the other, I advise you start cutting back on contact.

The sister who I fell out got defensive and blamed me and ripped my personality to shreds saying I was the reason she behaved towards me the way she does.

Peppin is spot on in her post.

Mine lives 2 miles away and has never been near

hiddenhome no it's absolutely not a question of sucking it up, it's just that feeding this type of narcissistic personality with ammunition is the worst way to cut off the bad behaviour. She is not going to change. But continuing the dialogue of texts and phone calls gives her more and more "my DD is wrong, if only she would listen to me" material. Whereas simply cutting off the flow of dialogue does just that: prevents the mother from getting to the OP but without generating further angst. If the OP could just send the letter and then not engage further then fine, but clearly she were able to do that, she wouldn't need to send the letter at all. It's that old thing: the opposite of love is not hate, it's total indifference. When the mother feels the OP's indifference, that is when the OP will have succeeded.

Guys, how could she use it against me? If she bitches to other family members, and even if they believe her and feel sorry for her, I don't care. If it means losing the rest of my family, then so be it.

CaliforniaLeaving - how did she respond when your DH said bye?

"He didn't need to write a letter, she knows what she has done to him since he was a child"

I'm not sure if my mother realises how bad she is? Perhaps she does? But there's always a chance that she doesn't realise the extent.

If she knew how bad she was, then surely she would realise that there would come a day when I can't take it any more? Why would she treat me like this and risk losing contact with me and her grandkids?

"if you need to send it to finish off this relationship do it"

That's really how I feel, yes.

"Aren't people permitted to have their say, regardless of how the other person reacts or receives it?"

Those are my thoughts too. I feel for my own personal development/therapy, I need to send it.

IMO if you really needed to finish the relationship, you would have done so already without the need to tell your mum you were doing so. The announcement is the indication of your need for vindication and approval, which is never coming your way.

As an aside, my own mother's mother recently died, after 30 years of my mother being estranged from her. All my life I have heard what a fruit loop my grandma was, what a controlling, self-obsessed bitch. My mum has literally had no contact in all that time. Now she is crying like a baby daily about how her mother has died and she had such an awful relationship with her.

Just saying.

I always feel that people on the receiving end are entitled to have their say. Too many times, these dreadful people terrorise their families and are never confronted with their wrongdoings.

If she doesn't have a personality disorder, then the letter may serve to prick her conscience and make her realise just how bad she's making her daughter feel. If she does have a PD, then nothing is lost, it's just a piece of paper and the OP is right to make her escape (people with PDs are pure venom and there is no point in engaging with them).

If the OP just cuts contact, then it just leaves things up in the air and she will always be worrying in case this woman turns up on her doorstep or whatever.

Your Mother sounds exactly like mine tbh. And I wouldn't even bother sending the letter, as she never accepts responsibility. It is always somebody elses fault, and she also changes the story (sometimes I wonder whether she actually believes her "version of events"). She swears and is so adamant that she is right ALL. THE. GOD. DAMN. TIME. I would see the letter as fueling the fire, causing more aggro for myself and just giving her the attention she so badly craves. Instead, I moved 120 miles away and barely ever see her. And I also have caller ID on the house phone (what a FAB creation ) and I ignore her calls 8 times out of 10. I only bother with her for that much due to my sibling. Once they move out, I honestly do not think I will bother AT ALL, unless she has a massive personality transplant.

The only thing I found which got a reaction out of her, was when I stood up to her for the first time ever in my life. I didn't speak to her for weeks, and SHE ended up crawling back to me but I assume only so she can see her Grandchildren. Still, she has been much better since, and even more so since she found out my health was bad, and I was in and out of hospital. But, I still can't bring myself to care enough to see/talk to her more.

Have you stood up to her and had it out with her, without backing down before?

I think she'll rip into you and blame you and you'll be the one who ends up upset - not her.

hiddenhome I think you are giving too much cred to the notion that after receiving the "cutting contact" letter, the mother will never show up again. Of course she will! She does what she likes! That's the whole point of the OP! The OP doesn't know what's what, her mother does (the mum thinks). Her daughter doesn't speak to her like that! Etc.

Peppin not everybody is like this. I never needed 'vindication' or 'approval' I just wanted to confront the cow with her behaviour then move on with my life, which I have, very happily.

These bloody people talk and talk and talk and it's all about them, them, them and the 'victim' never has any say. Sod that. Serve it right back onto them, then get on with your life. It's like symbolically handing their nastiness back then leaving empty handed, positive, happy and free. It can be like this for the right person.

Question is, is the OP at this stage yet, or would she be happy if her mother suddenly begged for forgiveness and tried to be nice.

My mother has a diagnosed psychopathic personality disorder, so I knew there was no point in forgiving her or seeking her approval. I just stuck two fingers up and sodded off thanking my lucky stars I'd managed to escape.

If she turns up, throw a bucket of cold water over her

Seriously though, one adult cannot foist themselves upon another. That's stalking.

Lots of the things in your letter about the way your mother treats your daughter are exactly the same as my mother. I sent her an e-mail in the middle of the night once, and then sent it again a week later as she said she hadn't got it. I wish I hadn't, because there's no reason to hurt somebody else who has their own mental health issues for my own gratification.

Actually she behaved as she did because she knew she fucked up with me, and really wanted to try again, and love my kids as much as she can.

3 years on we have a fairly good relationship. I think you should tell her to stop undermining you -give examples, and say that it is confusing Lily. Then she has something definate she can work on. If you think she makes an effort then you can re-evalute where you stand. If she doesn't, just say how difficult you find that one thing, and drift away.

You don't need her, but it's nice for your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents as they get older.