Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to send this letter to my mother

127 replies

BurntToastSmell · 12/08/2012 22:17

I've been having issues with my mother for many years now, and I cant take it any more. I've reduced contact with her and have now written this latter explaining why. Not sure how to end it though

(Note: me = Sarah; Lily = my 2 year old DD; I also have a 7mth old DS).

Dear Mum,

I am writing to you because I feel that our relationship may be un-repairable and I fear for its future. There is an engulfing climate of disrespect that I have experienced from you since I can remember, but which has got progressively worse since Lily was born. I feel that you treat me like a child and are not capable of respecting me as an adult. This is evident in your words (for example, ?Sarah I WANT you to do this for me?) and it is evident in your actions (I spent days photographing, listing, packaging and posting your stuff to make money for you ? time I could have spent with my children, yet I never received so much as a thanks from you).

When I conceived Lily I wanted it to be an opportunity to get close to you. However as time has went on I have found that your input has been overwhelming, and you have gradually started to take over. It has came to the point where I can?t tolerate the discomfort anymore ? it feels as though you are pushing me out of the mother role and inserting yourself in it. Instead of being Lily?s grandma, you are attempting to be her mother. Sometimes you even refer to Lily as ?Sarah? and yourself as ?mammy?. This is not healthy behaviour. Neither is the fact that you changed my old bedroom at your house into an entire nursery for Lily, complete with pram, cot, clothes (some of which you reserve for only when you are with her), toys, bottles, bath, highchair. It really is like you are using Lily to replace me.

I also feel that your love for me dissipated once Lily was born. I was merely a vessel to produce Lily, and now I have served my ?purpose? I am just an inconvenience to you, and a roadblock to your hold over Lily. This is in part evidenced by the way you undermine my decisions and confidence, particularly in relation to my parenting.

For example: when I explained how to deal with Lily when she was having a tantrum, you did the exact opposite, and continued to defy what I was instructing; Consequently the tantrum went on much longer than normal and Lily got more and more distressed.

When we are together, you spend a lot of time arguing with me over every little thing, often in front of Lily. It is unhealthy and confusing for Lily to witness the constant undermining of her mother. The volatile relationship between you and I is not a good mother-daughter role model for Lily to witness. You attack my parenting (example: when I had postnatal depression you said that my crying was damaging to Lily; another example: when I removed a dangerous broom from Lily and she started to cry, you accused me of hitting her). I find these attacks belittling, hurtful and hypocritical. It angers me that you can attack my parenting and accuse me of ?damaging Lily? even though I have never come close to doing what you did when I was a child (attempting suicide and sending me to live with Anne). Sometimes you even try to compete with me (example: when Lily has a tantrum you say, ?Lily never does that when she?s with me?).

It has got to the point where I feel uncomfortable, angry, dominated and belittled with you more often than I do not. I feel that taking a break from you has strengthened my relationship with Lily, increased my confidence, and made us calmer as a family.

I am 30 not 3, and I need space to find my own way as a mum. You had your turn with parenting ? now this is mine.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 12/08/2012 22:22

No, YADNBU. May I suggest the Stately Homes thread in relationships, for survivors of dysfunctional families? I've found it wonderfully helpful as I've started to work through the issues within my family too.

Best of luck, and un-MN hugs.

jaffacake2 · 12/08/2012 22:23

Put it in a drawer and wait. You have put all your feelings in that letter which hopefully has helped to be cathartic. But once sent then those words will always be there. Probably life will settle down with your mother but that letter could be brought out again and again. Do you really want that?

Just thinking of how this could be replayed for years rather than just dying a death after taking some space from her.

blueglue · 12/08/2012 22:25

Personally I wouldn't send it, I would try to take some release from the fact that you wrote it all down. If you do send it, I can only imagine that it will provoke a confrontation or argument. If you want to decrease contact, you should do it quietly and subtly and that way there will be no argument. Plus if you send it, she may show it to people.

flyoverthehill · 12/08/2012 22:26

end it by saying.......goodbye

Goodluck burnt breathe and find your own space

things will work out for you & lilly

ILiveInAPineapple · 12/08/2012 22:27

YANBU. I don't know what advice to give other than if I was in your shoes I think I would have called it a day by now, and I take my hat off to you for persevering. You have to do what is right for you and your dd, and only you can know what that is.

Good luck.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 12/08/2012 22:29

YANBU, however I suggest sending this with a healing finale, something that says 'You now have a last chance to correct things, knowing how I feel. You either change or I cut contact'

That way you will have given all opportunities! Good Luck!

hopkinette · 12/08/2012 22:30

Wow, it does sound like your mother is causing you a lot of upset. If you feel, on balance, that her behaviour is harming you or your daughter or your relationship with your daughter, then of course you have to do something. I'm not sure a letter is the best way; on the other hand, I imagine that you've reached this point over a prolonged period of time so you've obviously thought about it a lot and presumably concluded that attempting to communicate your concerns by other means would be fruitless?

How old were you when your mother attempted suicide? What a horrendous thing for you to have gone through :( How long did you live with Anne? Have you and your mother ever had a meaningful conversation about what happened?

hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 22:30

She sounds a bit creepy tbh. Leave the letter for a few days, then send it when you feel ready. You might also think of other things you want to include in it, but haven't thought of just yet.

I sent a letter to my mother a few years ago. Some of the stuff in it isn't printable, but boy, it felt good

Original poster

BurntToastSmell · 12/08/2012 22:33

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the feedback.

I've decided to send this because my mother won't stop texting me, and also I feel she deserves an explanation (just in case she is in denial and really can't understand why I'm reducing contact with her).

I don't care if she shows anyone. Should I care?

OP posts:

Original poster

BurntToastSmell · 12/08/2012 22:38

hopkinette - I was 12 when she tried to commit suicide. I never spoken to her about it until just last month. I told her how frightened it made me feel as a child. Her response? "It's always about YOU isn't it? This just shows how selfish you are."

hiddenhome - what happened after you sent the letter? What stuff did you put in it?

OP posts:

Peppin · 12/08/2012 22:38

YANBU but DO NOT SEND THAT LETTER.

I could have written that letter to my own mother (with names changed as appropriate, of course). My DCs are 10 and 8 now and I still have all of those feelings towards my mum.

However, the ability to spend time writing such a letter suggests that you cannot do without your mum, you need her and want her to approve you as a mother. She won't. You will not change her point of view that the letter. She will just read it and think how wrong you are.

Put it in a drawer and if possible, draw support from your friends and DH/DP. I bet you are a great mum, whether or not your mum openly recognises it. Maybe have a look at some of the books on Amazon on Narcissistic Mothers/Parents. Very painful but helpful.

Original poster

BurntToastSmell · 12/08/2012 22:42

Peppin maybe you are right about still wanting her approval; however I have reached a space where I know she will never change, and I see this letter as a way of saying:

"The game's up. I know what you're doing, and I'm not willing to tolerate it".

She won't change, but sending the letter will ease my guilt (about reducing contact). It might also spell an end to her abrupt texts.

OP posts:

AllYoursBabooshka · 12/08/2012 22:42

That made me well up, you sound so sad in that letter.

Send it, no one should make someone so unhappy.

jaffacake2 · 12/08/2012 22:47

Not sure if it will stop her as she sounds as though she has had long term mental health problems since she attempted suicide. You will not change her but you can avoid seeing her for the sake of your children.If you dont respond to her texts or let her visit frequently then she cant hurt you.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 12/08/2012 22:47

Read my suggestion of offering her time to change, that way, you are not in the wrong!

Peppin · 12/08/2012 22:47

I really feel for you and of course I don't know your mum, but she does sound like mine in some ways.

All I can say is; although I rail against my mum and am desperate for her to show some - any - approval - I know I am at my most miserable after a big falling-out and have realised that saying my piece doesn't even make me feel better while saying it (and I am quite confrontational!), never mind the days afterwards. Really, if your objective is to reduce contact then you can do that without telling her, and no need for guilt, just do it.

Peppin · 12/08/2012 22:49

And "offering her time to change" is not going to work. Seriously, how would you react if you got a letter detailing your failings and offering you one last chance to change your ways? Exactly!

Original poster

BurntToastSmell · 12/08/2012 22:49

Guys, what is the worst thing that can happen if I send this letter?

OP posts:

AllYoursBabooshka · 12/08/2012 22:52

I think the worst thing (well one of them) is she will turn everything you have written against you. Make you out to be the bad one.

jaffacake2 · 12/08/2012 22:54

If you think things are bad now I really feel that it will be awful for you once this letter is sent.
Your mother will be immediately on the defensive ,unlikely to rationalise any of your points and will be on the attack because she will feel criticised as a mother.
I am not saying that she doesnt deserve it but you sound hurt now and am trying to prevent you you from more distress.

Socknickingpixie · 12/08/2012 22:54

yanbu but given that you know your mother better than we do is it possible that she may use this a yet another stick to beat you with or get into a 'but i have to do that because you are so crap' type of response thus justifying her own behaviour to herself or even accuse you of remembering this differently to how they where because she may be a manipulative cow who changes her own history at whim?

if this is even remotely possible dont send it because you will just feed her bad behaviour.

Peppin · 12/08/2012 22:55

Your mum will go beserk, will continue to text you and call you as before if not more, you will still be "in the wrong" and will feel a lot worse about your relationship with her than you do now.

You need to disengage. Cut the cord. The way to do this is by not telling her you are doing it. She is used to controlling you and the worse thing you can do to her is to eliminate her ability to do so by just not engaging at all.

hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 22:58

Blimey, the one I sent practically had flames coming off the paper. It was after I'd gained access to my social services records and suddenly realised she'd lied to me about my entire childhood, protected one of my abusers and was a selfish, evil, lying bitch. I chose never to see her again and if she turned up on my doorstep now, I'd rip her head off

It's up to you really. Will it upset you if you never see her again? See, it didn't upset me. I'd had a total gutfull before I ever sent the letter, so it didn't bother me, I just wanted my say.

Only you know what's best for you and your dd. You have to put your child first though.

LimeLeafLizard · 12/08/2012 22:59

I have a difficult mother with some similar issues and have to hold her at a distance. I sympathise completely with how you are feeling.

However I wouldn't send the letter just yet. Wait a week, or better still a month.

I agree with Peppin that 'You will not change her point of view that the letter. She will just read it and think how wrong you are.'

You have to reach a point where you no longer need her approval. Counselling, sometimes internet forums, and lots of time with people who love you all help.

Keep her at arms length, if you need to stop the texts say something much shorter.

Does she live close to you?

Also, maybe AIBU isn't the best place for this thread? Tends to garner criticism which may not help you right now.

hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 22:59

If you value her opinion and your relationship, then don't send it. I had absolutely nothing to lose. She could have printed my letter in the DM for all I cared. It was total finish time and I just didn't give a stuff.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6