DH wants me to apologise for washing his wallet which was in his trousers. I think it shouldn't have been in the washing basket. Who's right?

[IHeartKingThistle]

I have said that I should have checked the pockets (I usually do) but I'm not apologising because he left his trousers and wallet in the wash basket.
This is the most pointless pathetic crappy fight ever. He's pretty much ignoring me now. I am more than happy to agree to disagree but he seems to think only an apology from me will stop it. I'm quite upset now. We were having a lovely weekend too.

It is slightly concerning that he expects YOU to take the responsibility for the washed wallet, and for you to apologise, rather than take the responsibility himself for not having checked his OWN pockets prior to putting his trousers in the wash basket.

Does he generally refuse to take responsibility for his own mistakes, or is this a one-off/new behaviour?

It is also concerning that this is something which appears to be 'new' behaviour since you became a SAHM. Unless he has always had issues with taking responsibility for himself, and trying to blame others for his own mistakes?

I always check my DPs pockets, because he is incapable of removing ANYTHING from them and they can contain anything from money (which by the definition of finders keepers becomes mine) to till receipts (self employed so effectively money) to drill bits that can damage the washing machine. Saying that, i failed to check my OWN pockets once and washed my mobile phone :(

If i washed DPs wallet id be :( because I bought it for him as a present from DD, so i would be contrite, but if he asked for an apology i think i would sit down and write a long and sincere apology, roll it up, shove it up his arse and set light to it.

My husband is 62 so im guessing older than yours OP and from a different generation and he ALWAYS empties his pockets before putting his clothes straight in the washbasket and doesnt leave them lying all over the flat either. Incidentally he also has disabilities so im damn sure that if he can manage it your DH can.

OP, I think you need to point out that becoming a SAHM doesn't mean you become his mother too. Seen that happen far too many times, on here and in RL. Tell him you only mother people who will never go near your vagina again, but if that's what he wants...

I always check my DPs pockets, because he is incapable of removing ANYTHING from them

Lucy you do realise that that's no true right? If you are happy checking his pockets, then fine but he is capable.

no really fairenuff, he isn't :)

FFS! If he wants to be completely sure that his pockets are empty before washing then he can be in charge of the washing! It's not like anyone has to drag the washing down to the river and scrub each individual piece of clothing - just throw it in the machine and turn it on! I tend to do all the washing because it's not that much of a deal (ironing and putting clothes away is a whole other issue!) but I take it as given that anything in the washing basket is to be washed (pockets and contents included!)
If he is grumping that his wallet has been washed then by all means agree that it is a shame but point out that his wallet AND trousers have been washed. The alternative is that both wallet and trousers could remain unwashed. The choice is his.....
Also I apply the same principle to my 9 year old son who has lost pokemon cards this way and learned his lesson!

I washed and tumble dried a fiver than DH left in his pocket. I told him about it, asked him to check his pockets in future and kept the fiver. If I find any coinage from the kids pocket money I keep that too if they do it a second time.

FFS my three year old knows he needs to empty his pockets before things go in the wash.

Remind your moron DH that you are his wife, not a maid. And if he is going to make a habbit of leaving things in the pockets, maybe he should do the washing from now on.

Tit.

I always check pockets even though everyone knows they need to empty them anyway. I do that because its me that will have to buy a new one if it breaks!

That's besides the point though. Your DH is being lazy and expecting you to run behind him.

Tell him to do one...and then do his own washing.

Seriously? I do the washing because my DH is seriously useless at checking pockets - his phone, passport(!) wallet, keys countless pens and money have all been around at one point or another. Finally after getting concerned this was going to kill the washing machine I banned him from using it. But the rule is if there is money in his pocket when its in the washing machine I get to keep it. So go get his wallet, take the money out of there and go spend it on yourself. Or tell him you wont washin any more clothes until he apologises to you.

If I leave stuff in my pockets, it's my fault. DP grumbles, with some justification, if it's tissues. If it were my wallet, no way would I think it was his fault I'd been such a prat as to leave it in a pocket.

"I'm sorry washed your clothes. I won't do it again!'"

Oh gosh this is still going! I feel sort of bad - he is a lovely lovely man, honestly! Unfortunately he is still grumpy so I don't feel THAT bad. I can't believe it's still going on.

We had the talk about what being a SAHM entails and what it definitely doesn't, ages ago. I think putting it into practice will be a different story though, which has been a bit of a surprise tbh.

I am not going to apologise. I have said I should have checked, I have said I didn't mean to do it, I have said I didn't do it deliberately.

I share the concern of some of you about how easily we argue and how easily it escalates. I just don't know what to do about it.

I never, ever start these threads. I never complain about DH to my friends - I never usually need to! I feel like I'm being disloyal to him just by talking about it. But this has upset me.

You're not being disloyal though, you're asking for feedback on a situation in which you suspect that your DH may be behaving unreasonably about.

And he is. the fool

I think it's upset you because he is being unreasonable. There is something unsettling about a person who will not admit their mistakes, who has to be right and who tries to manipulate by passive aggressive sulking.

You will have to make sure that you don't let him have his own way 'for an easy life' because this behaviour can escalate. It's controlling. When he sees it doesn't work, he will stop it.

I would have probably given him a qualified apology along the lines of "I'm sorry, but you really shouldn't leave things in your pockets", and if he carried on sulking I would eventually lose patience and tell him to get over himself....

Actually FWIW I don't work at the moment either and I don't touch DH's washing after "Not-putting-the-folded-clothes-awayGate" ended in us both chucking a massive strop and the wardrobe falling to pieces.

He does his own now and any sort of "where's my black t-shirt?" enquiry is met with a "how should I know?".

I've just asked my DH this and he reckons your SH is being VU. He is an adult, pocket check is his sole responsibility, end of.

If you're feeling disloyal being annoyed about it, then to be honest I'm concerned by the dynamic of your relationship. Sounds like he's quite controlling and explosive, even if its in a subtle way.

Does he sulk a lot?
Do your arguments usually end in you backing down and conceding the point for an easy life?
Does he normally argue about this sort of thing, blaming you for accidents or things beyond your control?

If he does, then maybe it's something you need to discuss.

money laundering is illegal you know

Oh & the conversation in our house would go...
"Oh sorry, i washed your wallet, don't leave stuff in your pockets cos i dont always check".
DH would say "oh, sorry, never mind there was nothing in it anyway! "
End of, no big debate, just one of those things!

YADNBU We have a house policy here if you put stuff in the wash basket then you empty the pockets. I do check the 4 y.o. but my 7 y.o DD does her own. You are a SAHM not a maid of all work. I have occaisionally washed credit cards/oyster cards etc but my DH has just shrugged and life goes on. I also have a rule that I will only wash what is in a basket, anything on chairs or floors stays there.