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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why my friend has never had a boyfriend

77 replies

melonandpapayaandmango · 11/08/2012 10:20

She's pretty, she's very successful and has fast tracked through her career, nice friendly person, smiles and laughs a lot, but she has said she hasn't had any interest when she tries online dating and anybody she does meet at work (we're both early 30s) is already in a relationship.

I'm just wondering if she's right to give up or surely people past the age of 25 meet people?

OP posts:

TheMonster · 11/08/2012 10:21

Never ever?

solidgoldbrass · 11/08/2012 10:23

Does she really want a partner? SOme people simply aren't bothered - if she's not actually interested and only trying to date because of social pressure, she's going to give off 'not-interested' signals which will put most people off.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 11/08/2012 10:26

I struggled to meet people in normal social situations but met my now DH through online dating at the grand old age of 33.

She may not have her profile on her online dating profile which means very few blokes will contact her, or she may be trying the wrong sites some are more for casual friendships or other things iyswim rather than proper relationships.

She may also be lacking in confidence about herself around the opposite sex. I found that actually before I was ready to meet someone properly I needed to like and respect me and I did that in a number of ways but the key thing was becoming the new members person for a group I was in that forced me to be outgoing and sociable to everyone and stop focusing on myself. I met DH shortly after that and I don't think it was coincidental. I also developed a strategy of pretending I was going to meet someone in a year so I had one year to cram in all the fun and interesting things that would be harder to do with a partner.

NagooingForGold · 11/08/2012 10:30

Maybe she doesn't tell you everything

Original poster

melonandpapayaandmango · 11/08/2012 10:31

BodyofEeoyre, no, she's never had a boyfriend or partner. I think she must want one, she says that she does and I wrote her a profile for mysinglefriend which she had one date for but nothing came of it.

OP posts:

MsKayGee · 11/08/2012 10:36

Does she really want a boyfriend or is she saying that because she thinks she should?

Is she gay?

JumpingThroughHoops · 11/08/2012 10:39

Often pretty and successful women, especially if they are confident and outgoing - can't get a boyfriend because blokes are afraid of them

gazzalw · 11/08/2012 10:42

Always remember one of the characters in Mary McCarthy's The Group who is by her own admission asexual. Some people are. My SIL is perhaps one of them - either that or possibly gay but in total denial.

It it such a societal assumption that we must all be in relationships that I'm sure that some people feel pressured into saying they want a boyfriend/girlfriend when really they aren't bothered....

Not much help for your friend but if she's in her 30s think you have to assume that she's really not bothered. She doesn't have anything in her past that might make her very wary of men?

emsyj · 11/08/2012 10:43

Maybe she meets lots of interested people, but she's very fussy and isn't interested in any of them... I can't imagine it is true that she gets no interest from online dating sites (unless, as another poster said, she doesn't have a photo on her profile - but even then...) so would probably interpret that as, 'I get x messages a day but never from anyone I like the look of'.

solidgoldbrass · 11/08/2012 10:48

Women on dating sites always get interest but a lot of it is from the sort of men you'd run a mile from.

IN general the best thing for her to do might be to take up a sociable hobby and make new friends.

emsyj · 11/08/2012 10:50

I put a friend on mysinglefriend and she met someone on there - they're getting married in October and I am bridesmaid! So online dating does work for some people!!!

hatesponge · 11/08/2012 10:50

I can absolutely believe it.

I am (if I say so myself!) attractive, successful, intelligent and sociable. I never had a relationship until I was well in my 20s (and most of the ones I had after that were by dropping my standards - which in hindsight I think was a mistake as I ended up with an abusive man for 8 years).

I am now 40 and since the break up of my last relationship I have been single for 4 years and not been on more than one date with the same guy. Many men who 'date' online are not looking for relationships. It doesnt therefore surprise me your friend has not met anyone this way.

JumpingThroughHoops · 11/08/2012 10:51

I worked with a girl like this. She was just so pretty, and outgoing, fantastic well paid career and above all she was so sweet and lovely too. She had BFs, but nothing ever stuck IYSWIM and she desperately wanted to get married and have children. She didn't meet her husband until she was 45, so it was all a bit late for her to have a family.

Sometimes I wondered if she gave out desperate signals to all the men she met.

Original poster

melonandpapayaandmango · 11/08/2012 10:51

She definitely had a photo up on singlefriend, as I wrote the profile for her. :) We did go to a coffee shop once with the laptop and she messaged some men (nice messages obviously) and one got back to her who was the one she had the date with.

The rest either didn't reply or replied to say they didn't think they'd have much in common or they'd already met someone.

I think she is bothered as she does get upset about it and wants children and to have a partner and her own family but she said last night she's just bewildered as to why she has had no luck with it. I really don't think it's that she's not bothered, more that she's confused as to where she's going wrong?

OP posts:

hatesponge · 11/08/2012 10:54

SGB yes absolutely, on dating sites I get loads of 'interest' from pervs and obvious nutters - the ratio of messages received to replied to is about 20:1.

And then that 1 turns out to be a vanisher (disappears from contact after arranging date), just looking for sex, or just doesnt want to see me again.

Online dating is far from being some paancea to singledom, there are too many people on there with a hidfden agenda for that. I think it's better to take your chances in everyday life tbh.

hatesponge · 11/08/2012 10:58

OP, tell her from me she isnt going wrong anywhere. The worst thing she can do is think there's something wrong with her, I would be willing to be there isnt.

I have had 4 YEARS of dates where men haven't wanted to see me again. Mostly I've never had a reason - one last week told me that he 'wasn't ready for a commitment'. I hadn't asked him for one! I have often wondered if there is anything wrong with me - I am by virtue of my job and financial position a bit of a threat to some insecure inadequate men but frankly who wants a guy who is frightened of a strong woman?!

JumpingThroughHoops · 11/08/2012 11:01

Also if a woman is very pretty, an average looking bloke often won't approach her for fear of knock back.

Original poster

melonandpapayaandmango · 11/08/2012 11:03

Hatesponge, that's reassuring in a way (for her) a pain for you and for her though. I know she'd love to get married and have children; she's a lovely calm, funny, happy sort of person and I can see her being a brilliant mum.

I suppose the problem with everyday life is that as she says, when she does meet a man who she thinks she'd like to be with, someone else has had the same idea, often years before!

OP posts:

hatesponge · 11/08/2012 11:11

I can entirely understand where she's coming from - I am lucky in that I do have children (one as a result of a v brief relationship, the other in consequence of a horribly abusive one) but neither of my children were born into the sort of happy relationship I hoped for, and I've never been married (though I think I'm a bit too old now for the full-on meringue!)

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2012 11:16

Good grief, there's a site called 'my single friend'?

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 11/08/2012 11:20

I have a friend like this

If you get her REALLY talking about it, she wants to meet someone so she can have children, and has fixed in her head that children must be in a relationship.
But she doesn't really want to share her home/life with a man..
she's straight, she enjoys men, but she doesn't want one in her space all the time.

And also whenever she meets someone she might have dated for a bit and had fun with, the pressure she puts on men she meets to be perfect father material put her off dating men that might enhance her life for a while IYKWIM

I do not understand why she wont consider an alternative family/children situation.. I think that if she did she might then be free to have the kind of relationship she WANTS - a long term boyfriend who she lives apart from with no pressure to change that

quirrelquarrel · 11/08/2012 11:22

Is she interesting though? You can be smiley and all the rest of it but have no interests and be boring as hell in the end.

hatesponge · 11/08/2012 11:24

I don't think being 'interesting' is a pre-requisite to having a partner. Some of the most dull and boring people I know are in relationships!

LackingNameChangeInspiration · 11/08/2012 11:38

I agree it has NOTHING to do with being pretty enough or interesting enough or nice enough, I'm sure we all know bitter dull slobs who've never been single

IMO its more a frame of mind, I think the longer you are single, you start to need to justify the long singleness by not "settling" now after all that if that makes sense? (used to be like that myself and see it in long term single friends!)

thing is though, relationships are about settling and comprimising etc. A lot of them say that my DH would tick the lists (good job, good with kids, own home, healthy and fit), thing is he so DIDN'T when I met him but they forget this, I eventually went "fuck it" and dated someone who wasn't long term material.. then it turned out he actually was working towards all that! I'ld never have found out if I'ld not have dropped my "standards" for 5 mins

gazzalw · 11/08/2012 11:48

DW has a friend who is pretty, attentive to men in a very good way, slim etc...but now in late 40s and never been in the type of relationship that has brought her happiness or anywhere near having children. She goes for good looking but cold, aloof, highly academic types. She seems to live in a fantasy world in which she is going to find the perfect man with whom to live happily ever after and seems unable to accept that until she lowers her standards or looks outside the box it is highly unlikely she will find what she is looking for.....she now has channelled all her energies into her dogs which won't IMO help her to find the human love that she craves....

Can I just raise my head above the parapet and say that some women can come across as too perfect and almost 'untouchable' and if they haven't been in lots of relationships they send out 'prickly, lacking in confidence around men' signals that can be off-putting...

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