to wonder why my friend has never had a boyfriend

[melonandpapayaandmango]

She's pretty, she's very successful and has fast tracked through her career, nice friendly person, smiles and laughs a lot, but she has said she hasn't had any interest when she tries online dating and anybody she does meet at work (we're both early 30s) is already in a relationship.

I'm just wondering if she's right to give up or surely people past the age of 25 meet people?

melonandpapaya - do you know no one who you could match up with your friend?

I agree with rosetree about underlying fears, which can be pretty deeply buried. I spent years convinced that I really wanted to settle down, get married, have children etc and found it painful and confusing that despite being fairly young, attractive, successful, sociable etc I was mostly single, and the relationships I did have were so unsatisfactory. Nothing changed until I finally accepted that although I believed I wanted the conventional package, in actual fact everything about my behaviour and choices suggested that I didn't really want it, or at least had very deep reservations about it. I found that very hard to accept initially as I couldn't "feel" my reservations or anxiety about relationships at all, but once I started working on the assumption that I had them a lot of things fell into place. For me at least it wasn't possible to form a serious relationship until I had begun to face how frightened/ambiguous I felt about the idea of intimate relationship in general. Like someone mentioned upthread I was always very maternal/broody/keen on children which really disguised the commitment phobia I think!

So relieved to see rosetrees post.
Im 24 and have never had a boyfriend either. Im normal , sociable , pretty have a good job and a sense of humour. I just think that

a. A lot of people just arent very nice and im quite picky and

b. i also do self sabotage a lot. Funnily enough im off to see a guy i met the other week tomorrow and honestly im shitting it already because i think i like him. No idea why im so nervous , hes nice , we get on well and i like him

What sort of messages is she writing to these guys? 'Hello, I am a desperate 40-year-old virgin'? 'All men are bastards, prove me wrong'? 'Let me tell you about my last netball tournament/the cute thing my cat did/the entire plot of the last Mills and Boon I read'?

OK I am being flippant but it sounds like she's not putting herself across very well online. What are her interests? If all she does is socialise with old friends and workmates then her actual pool of available people to date is probably a bit small and by the sound of it, made up of conventional Noahs Arkers so not much cop anyway. She would do well to find a hobby/interest that she develops a passion for, which attracts a wide range of people (I do morris dancing and dabble in things like LARP and historical re-enactment, which is why I have a wide mix of friends of all ages and various relationship statuses).

I am in this position, and I can really echo the "aggressive" comments - I just don't bother mentioning that I am single if I can help it. It does get lonely but I suppose I am used to it.

I do plan to have a baby alone but I feel sad I'm having to do it this way. I'm mostly OK with it but sometimes I do feel unhappy as it isn't the way I saw my life going, if you like.

I am someone who isnt really interested in having a relationship at the moment.

But then i have a very demanding child to look after.

Im sure your friend will find someone if they want to.

Name changed for this...

I'm in this position - I found myself at 33 having never had a boyfriend, or even having been out on a date.

I'm far from perfect, but am ok looking, never been overweight, am fit, take care of myself without going OTT (ie; not being caked in makeup 24/7 or looking really high maintenance) have a wide circle of friends including lots of (great) blokes, give up spare time to volunteer at local charities, have a nice job, can hold a conversation, well-read, own house, own teeth etc etc etc.

Nor am I picky - all I'd ask is that the guy was emotionally mature, had a work ethic and wasn't abusive. I don't have any romantic illusions about some tall dark handsome stranger sweeping me off my feet either - all that just makes me laugh. Nor am I picky about physical type; (as long as he wasn't hugely overweight) I find a wide range of men attractive.

Yet I've never had anyone ask me out, and I've always been turned down when I've done the asking. Also been out on internet dates, but no-one ever calls me back.

At 33 I was diagnosed as being peri-menopausal, so was advised to get on with it if I wanted children. So I flew out to a clinic in Europe and got myself knocked up - twin girls, as it turned out.

Which is nice and all, but I wish to heaven I could find them a dad... this is not how I thought my life would turn out. Sometimes it gets me down, but my kids are much loved by both me and my (very large) family. I have to lie to my parents about how they were conceived, as I don't think they'd approve of it.

Thanks for letting me vent - I've never told anyone about this before so it helps to get it out.

I hope your friend finds someone, OP.
x

I remember my dm saying about a friend of hers that never married, that the friend thought that "love" was basically always at first sight.
If the man didn't arrive and immediately sweep her off her feet and gallop off into the night with her on the back of a white horse, she dismissed them. So if she didn't feel she'd clicked in the first 5 minutes of meeting them, she thought they weren't right.
She's a lovely lady though and wouldn't think that way about a lady friend iyswim, so I don't really know why she felt that was necessary for a bf.

I plan to do similar NameChange ... like you I'll also have to lie or at least smudge the truth.

I'd love to know what it is about me that means the opposite sex aren't remotely interested but they aren't and I just have to accept that and move on with my life.

Namechangealicious I'm impressed by your bravery and determination.

I've always wanted kids, but I'm not sure if I would have been brave enough to set out to do it alone.

My brother didn't have a girlfriend or even go on a date until he was in his early 30s, and was over 40 when he married. I know it's different for men (purely in that they can still have DC even if they don't start trying till their 40s or even 50s) but I was always aware that some people think there's something 'wrong' with you if you remain single, and that it is complete bullshit.

Is she happy without a partner? Because if she is, it's none of your business is it? I have a couple of friends and family members who are lovely people but who just don't want to be part of a couple. They are an entire thing in and of themselves, they are content on their own, they don't want to add to the world's population and are happy the way they are. I don't understand the pressure from friends and family to make people like this who are content with singledom to conform to the norm of relationships that won't ultimately fulfil them.

Surely if she actually wanted to go down the internet dating route she'd have dome it herself rather than being coerced into it by you on datemymate or whatever its called

I'd be horrified if I found someone had done this to me, even if I pretended otherwise just to keep the peace.

Ruby, mysinglefriend (not datemymate ) is a reasonably civilised site - it isn't like plentyoffish or similar.

The girl concerned can't have been "coerced" into it because (and I have done it before) you sign up for it yourself, and most importantly pay for it yourself. The only role a friend plays in it is describing you. I think the idea behind it is that it can be hard to talk about how great YOU are, so a friend does it for you.

The OP has said on a few occasions that the friend has stated she would like to be part of a couple.

Fair enough, but either your description is pants not up to snuff, or she's deliberately sabotaging the experience, for whatever reason.

I think I'd go along with a good friend about this sort of thing just to keep the peace and get them off my back, but then I'd tell her how sad I was that I just wasn't getting the response we were both expecting. "How disappointing".

Are you actually listening to what she means rather than what she's saying, because if she doesn't want to offend you, her good friend then you might just be hearing what you want to hear.

The one thing I fucking hated when I was single was fuckers who were supposed to be my friends speculating why.

Unless she asks you for help on the matter it has fuck all to do with you!

Or worse trying to set me up with sad losers their other single pals.

And what if the situation is reversed? I am 28 and have never had a girlfriend, never had sex and had one, first and only, kiss in my life? Will you, as girls experienced in relationships, want a relationship with me and think of me as an undiscovered gem or be totally scared off by this fact and consider me someone with whom something must be dreadfully wrong, because no girl before loved me? And those of you who have never had a boyfriend, would it be attractive then to have the first relationship experience with me? Any of you, guys, had a similar story to mine? Any insight you could give me on this would be very valuable.

Maybe she's dating a married man. I worked with a lovely woman who we all thought was single for years and years. We could never understand why she didn't have a boyfriend or settled down - she was always getting offers. Turns out she was seeing a married man, she was the OW for years. He was a high profile chap in local government.

One of my very close friends was like this. No relationships at all, no dates, nothing. I had met my DH when I was 18 and got married at 24 and our other mutual friend had married her DH when she was 27. Suddenly, one day she was introduced to a friend of her family, hit it off with the guy and he proposed after a year of dating. She just turned 30 and is currently planning their wedding :)

Her father ran out on her and her Mum when she was tiny and she has always hated him for that. I think on some level she was hesitant to get involved with anyone she wasn't absolutely certain of so that that would never happen to her. She also had enough going on in her life that she wasn't sitting around waiting for him to arrive and rescue her from singledom!

I wouldn't focus on her singledom - it's likely unpleasant for her. It'll happen for her when the time is right.

Attractiveness has no relation to having a partner. There are some right mingers in my year at school that are married with children ... half joking.

Some people believe that they want a relationship, that it will make their life complete. And when they get one, it's not how they imagined.

My friend would sleep around constantly and men were never interested in seeing her again. She had one date with a guy who when driving her home told her straight that he was really sorry but he was in still in love with his ex - apparently she sat there sobbing in his car for ages.

When someone was interested in her, he moved in within 2 weeks of knowing her. Whenever I see them they are always fighting or sniping at each other, he kissed her best friend (and was forgiven the same day he told her) and last time I saw him he called her a twat and told her to fuck off.

It's sad what people are willing to put up with just so they are no longer single

I think you should encourage her to widen her social circle a bit generally, rather than help fuel any obsession with dating. As SGB says, she might want to try out some activities that attract people of different ages/genders/status.

Desperation is a big turn-off, and if she gives the impression of wanting to commit very quickly and have children, that is actually a red flag that others are right to avoid.

I can well believe it. One of my oldest friends is attractive, intelligent, witty, interesting, warm-hearted - an all-round great person.

She's dated throughout her life and had a couple of short-term bf/gf dating-type relationships, but nothing serious.

She would like to. In fact she's just started the adoption process so she doesn't miss out on her chance at parenthood.

There is nothing wrong with her at all. She would be a 'catch' for any man. I think she was so busy travelling and developing her career in her 20s and early 30s that by the time she actively started looking she realised that most of the good men were already settled down. It takes a lot of time and effort to find the few remaining ones once you're over a certain age - time and effort she'd rather put into her friends, career and now adopting a child - where at least she is guaranteed a payoff (unlike online dating).

And there is nothing wrong with being picky either. Doesn't mean your standards are too high. It means there are a lot of people out there who would be shit partners if you'd lowered your standards enough to try it out.

There is no such thing as a perfect partner, it's about finding someone who's faults you can live with.

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