to wonder why my friend has never had a boyfriend

[melonandpapayaandmango]

She's pretty, she's very successful and has fast tracked through her career, nice friendly person, smiles and laughs a lot, but she has said she hasn't had any interest when she tries online dating and anybody she does meet at work (we're both early 30s) is already in a relationship.

I'm just wondering if she's right to give up or surely people past the age of 25 meet people?

Worra yes there is a dating site called mysinglefriend. It just involves the person beig described by a friend or sibling rather than themselves. I don't see anything wrong in that?

She's never had a boyfriend or date apart from the one date fr the single friend site do I don't think it's that she's boring as they haven't had a chance to get to know her if you see what I mean. And it's not like she's had lots of dates and been picky as only one got as far as the dating stage!

gazzala that's exactly what I'm talking about, is seems the longer you go without a relationship, the longer you have to compile your tick list, the harder it is to deviate from it

I knew DH socially for years before we got together, in that time when friends sat me down and got me to list every single man I knew, I wouldn't even count him! he wasn't on my radar! I'ld spent so long holding out for the type of man I thought I'ld end up with that I wasn't even registering the existance of other men, I genuinely thought I didn't know any single men if I didn't know any single men who ticked my list off!

my list was stupid, it was a carbon copy of men I'ld fancied in the past who had girlfriends but flirted with me or who avoided commitment etc. I was never going to meet anyone to spend a happy life with based on my "type" as my type be definition would let me down!

I have a male friend who's never really had a relationship (a few flings). I spoke to him about it and he said he's happy with his own company, he knows the type of woman he wants to be with, and unless he meets someone who ticks all the boxes he'd rather be alone. He was quite happy with the situation though, although it sounds as if your friend isn't.

There is NOTHING wrong with being fussy/having standards - I dropped mine once to date someone who wasn't that clever, and had lots of issues - he was in fact an abuser though that wasnt obvious at first. It actually is RIGHT to have standards and not just date anyone who comes along, or think I have to date Man A because he's the only one who's asked etc.

Having said that I think from what the OP's saying her friend isnt turning down lots of men, she is simply not getting approached by very many in the first place. Again, I can only say that I understand her frustration, and sometimes it is just a bit inexplicable and crap - for example, I mentioned above I've been single for 4 years - in that time I've had maybe 15-20 dates. And that is accepting and going on every single date I've been offered in that time. I know people who have dated more in a month that I do in a year.

What I have come to realise is there is actually no reason I don't get more dates other than that I'm maybe a bit too good for most men. I'd strongly suspect that's true of your friend too. But as I said before, that's their problem not mine

Yes it isn't that she's turning them down, she just only got messaged once in 3 months on the dating site! I was so surprised, she is really lovely.

if you haven't met ANYONE who ticks your standard list in, say FIVE YEARS, then there probably is something wrong with YOUR standards

there are some deal breaking standards that I wouldn't comprimise on (e.g. having previous children that he doesn't give a shit about) but standards that describe a person too much are too restricting IMO

I have a friend whose standards include that they must live in one particular town... she doesn't consider that a man from another town might be willing to move, or that she might actually like it somewhere else. She has others too including type of job, type of home etc

Actually, I don't think there's anything wrong with having very high and definite standards. If you don't want to go out with someone who doesn't tick all your boxes, then you don't want to go out with someone who doesn't tick all your boxes.

Nobody else's business or loss but your own.

Lackingnamechange - did you read the posts above? We aren't talking about sneering and haughty ladies who draw a line trough hoards of eager potential boyfriends, we're talking about a lady who doesn't get approached at all and is ignored when she does the approaching.

I'm starting to see what she means now as she said last night her own family and some friends can be really aggressive if you bring up being single and start trying to imply its your fault and I didn't understand it but I think she means things like this.

that's fine if like saintlyjimjams friend you are happy to be alone waiting for a whole fake invented person to materialise, but if like my friends you moan abou the lack of men, without even getting to know any of the men around because they currently flat share or work in something dull AT THE MOMENT etc then it does become other people's buisness because they're making it our buisiness by complaining about it... and being extrememly rude to our single male friends who they don't think tick their boxes, but they don't even know very much about them (e.g. man who worked in a pizza place part time.. he actually also owns several buisinesses and was in his final year of retraining and now has a fab career, but pizza place men were not on her list so he was blanked like he didn't exist!)

"we're talking about a lady who doesn't get approached at all and is ignored when she does the approaching"

yeah but I used to say I never got approached at all.. looking back I DID but I didn't count the ones that didn't matriculate!

as with the pizza man friend, she said that noone chatted her up that night!

I know (and was one) lots of women who "never get approached" but we all gave back off signals to anyone who wasn't what we had in our heads IYKWIM

If now DH spoke to me on a night out I'ld still go to my friends and say "there are just no single men around!! they all have partners already"

"I'm starting to see what she means now as she said last night her own family and some friends can be really aggressive if you bring up being single and start trying to imply its your fault and I didn't understand it but I think she means things like this"

it probably stems from wanting to go back and kick your past self, but you can't, so its frustrating when you see people acting EXACTLY THE SAME WAY

How can you do that on a dating site if you sit and watch someone write a pleasant message to ten men, three don't reply, two say 'I don't think we have much in common' and the rest say thanks but we've met someone? One replies and you go on one date and he then texts to say that we don't have enough in common to start a relationship?

I really think you're projecting your own experience onto my friend and the other lady who posted here to be honest.

I do think once you are coming up to 40 the pool of available nice people has shrunk for all the obvious reasons.

I agree you shouldn't hold out an unreasonably long list of requirements re height, job, location etc as those don't necessarily tell you whether or not you could have a relationship with some one.

But I also agree that most of us long term singles are NOT doing this! My two non negotiables would be unkindness or, as another has said, not giving a shit about his children. But the difficulty is actually meeting anyone if you work and have other responsibilities.

So I feel really uncomfortable suggesting that it is the single person's 'fault' for being too picky. I think that is rarely the case.

I'ld imagine with internet dating you gotta use slightly bigger stats than 10 before considering it unsuccessful

They were the 10 I saw her write as we were together at the time

• I imagine alone she messaged more but I know that she only had that one date.

Spero - me too, I really think one or two replies have been rather unkind.

Spero I entirely agree.

I won't date anyone unkind, unintelligent (and I mean thick frankly - I don't mean uneducated, I have an Oxbridge degree but couldnt give a flying fuck if someone left school at 14 if they have something to say for themselves and are capable of a half decent conversation!), or who shows any signs of being abusive/controlling. That is not being fussy in my book, it is having sensible standards.

I mentioned my internet experience above - less than 20 dates in 4 YEARS! Actually it's even less than that, as that includes men I met in RL as well. So the OP's friend's stats dont surprise me in the slightest. I have messaged many men purely this year - upwards of 50, only got a reply from perhaps 10%, and that was simply chit-chat, where nothing came of it.

Sorry to say this OP, but if she's only had one positive response then the profile you're written for her might be a bit of a dud. She might have better luck if she gets a male friend (preferably one with a bit of dating experience themselves) to write her one.

Internet dating aside, where is she meeting men? My first guess is that she is simply not trawling her net wide enough, if shes not meeting any interested men whatsoever.

I KNOW why I don't meet interested men- despite being blonde and vibrant (No not Samantha Brick), I am also opinionated, independent, arsey and geeky. When I was younger and much cuter, I would try to hide my personality so it complied more with my outside. Unfortunately, after some truly dire relationships I no longer give a fuck

My only tick list- is makes me laugh, is clever and doesn't want (any more) children. And clever doesn't necessarily mean educated- more someone who doesn't put me down if I know something.

My friend 'settled'- she is now going out with a bloke who still hasn't separated from his wife properly, drinks like a fish and never goes out. And who hates all her friends. But who thinks he has done her a favour. I'd rather be single for the rest of my days.

And I agree with hate sponge - not sure if internet dating is the saviour some think. I spent £89 on eharmony to be matched up according to their rigorously scientific algorithm. I had said I was not religious so they matched me with somebody who thought David Ike was really interesting.

So what do I do? Drop my ridiculously high standards re not wanting my life partner to be insane and go on a date with someone I already know would be poles apart from me in terms of personality and aims in life?

There's being picky and there is making sensible choices based on what you know are your core ideals.

I think that meeting someone in rl, through friends is probably the best and safest way. But if you are a single parent, work full time and all your friends are coupled up or live far away, your options tend to shrink.

I would love to meet someone but realistically I think I probably won't. And it quite upsets me to think that some people think it's my 'fault' because I am too picky. If you could see the parade of narcissistic bell ends I went out with in my 20 s and 30s you would have to accept I haven't been remotely picky - which is almost certainly why I am single now as I wentout with any idiot who asked me and probably wasted most of my time in toxic relationships.

So anyone single reading this, don't for a moment think you have got to accept anything less than someone who is kind to you and makes you laugh. If that is being picky then I give a massive three cheers for being picky.

I agree with those that say that online/internet dating is not the answer to every single person's desire for a partner.

I also strongly disagree with the poster who says that women always get interest. I understand how your friend is OP, as I am the same. Probably about 5 e-mails in a year from men. And I still get these well meaning people saying "oh you should go on the internet" like that is going to miraculously match me with someone.

I haven't had a date for 8 years.

And it isn't a case of having too high standards - believe me, I have none . The fact is, I never even get to the stage of meeting men long enough to consult a mythical tick list. None, zero, zilch interest from any man.

I am nearly 48 and miss the initimacy so much, as well as the day to day stuff. I would love to have a partner, and I can offer so much, but sadly, am accepting that no-one is ever going to fancy me.

Why does she need a boyfriend? Seriously?

If she wants a child/family she can do it herself.

At least this way she doesn't become the statistic of 2 women a week murdered by their partners.

Relationships are fantastically overrated IMO.

Margery I feel so sad for you. Companionship is part of human nature.

OP YANBU. I have amazing male friends in the same situation. One friend is funny, attractive and wants to settle down, but he's lost his confidence. Perhaps we should fix them up?

I didn't have a proper boyfriend until I was 26, despite being 'pretty', good job, nice friends etc. I still can't work out why exactly, except that I did have some social anxiety and low self esteem issues which meant I HATED trying to flirt while in social situations with friends as I felt I was being observed and making a fool of myself, and I hated dating any friend-of-a-friend because I thought I would be letting my friend down for not being interesting/attractive enough for their friend. My fear of observed failure was so strong I would basically sabotage any sniff of a relationship before it got off the ground. I also grew up as an only child listening to my parents row venemously most days which probably hasn't helped much when it comes to knowing how romantic relationships are supposed to work.

Oh, I tried internet dating but no luck - I think statistically you'd have to go on hundreds of dates through those things to find someone you have chemistry with and who has a similar outlook to you.

Ultimately, I met my DP in a long-term situation connected to my job which meant the relationship developed completely without outside scrutiny and with plenty of time to develop things with no pressure because we knew we were going to keep on meeting through work anyway. Good conditions for alleviating my anxieties, but ultimately I just think DP was the right person for me and so it felt 'right'. I didnt have any type of list I was looking to check, I just wanted to feel a 'click' with someone, and finally after 27 years I did!

So I dont really have any advice for your friend, except that sometimes rhe underlying fears stopping you from being in a relationship arent easy to articulate or explain, even to yourself, and its not necessarily the case that her expectations are too high.