AIBU re: sending your newborn to the hospital nursery?

[coraltoes]

A good friend of mine has given birth in a private london hospital. I popped in yesterday to visit her, on what is was day 2 of her stay there post CS. I have to say what an amazing place it was, but i was left feeling a bit cold about something and wondered if I was wrong to?

She looked well rested, and I asked how the days and nights were going, as god knows newborns can be all over the place with their sleep and feeds. Her reply surprised me. She had been sending him to the nursery to sleep at night, from about 8pm with them bottle feeding him (she has chosen not to BF) through the night when he needs it. She did this from day 1.

Now, it is the kind of place that would help you in the night by your bed if you needed it, so she wouldnt have to make up bottles whilst struggling to walk with a scar etc. So I was a bit "hmmmmm" about not even letting your newborn sleep near you on his first night in the world, so you can get some sleep. If you had laboured for 2 nights i can see the appeal but her Csection was scheduled, and took place at the start of the day.

What do you guys make of it? Would you use the same service? Maybe i'm being a bit precious!

Wow! Now I really feel like a shit mum! This whole motherhood thing is a steep learning curve for all of us. We don't always make the "right" decisions but as long as we love and care for our babies I think all the rest is bollocks.

I had planned CS, overnight nursery, no skin to skin and formula fed DTs from day one. DS2 was VBAC, skin to skin for hours and breast fed for ten months. Yes, I retain guilt about DTs but that is MY problem. They are all gorgeous, happy babies and I adore all three.

I'm sick of bloody "studies" showing how crap we allare.

50shades - this is aimed at you (just so there is no confusion). You can have any opinion you like but try not to sound like the Maternal Overlord when you express it. Everybody's different and some people really have no choice about separation and breastfeeding if their baby is ill etc. If you make sweeping statements about formula etc, people may find you a bit offensive.

I suppose I would try and look at it from a cost benefit perspective; is the benefit to the baby higher than the cost to the mother? 99 times out of a 100 of course it is, but there are times where the mother's welfare needs to be prioritised so that she can go on to be of benefit to the baby herself iyswim.

You feel like a shit mum because of a study and a thread?
Really?

My child was in one and thank god i was drugged up to the eye balls in a lot of pain and could barley walk i would nit have coped with night feeds tbh

No, more a figure of speech. Some people just seem to aim to make others feel like failures.

Nice try catgirl - I know you are trying to be clever by throwing the insecurity card at me but sorry it doesn't work as I'm very happy with my choice to be there for my babies and persevere with bf and how I feel about all that. So sorry, your post didn't have the effect you wanted although it made me laugh a little.

Jaffacakeeater - I hear you! And by the way, my db and I were v premature twins many moons ago. My poor Mum was unconscious for the first day of our lives and we spent several months in incubators with no skin on skin. We were formula fed from birth. I absolutely adored my Mum (sadly no longer with us) as did DB. We all had a truly brilliant relationship (with normal ups and downs in our teenage years!).
I honestly honestly don't think the separation affected us negatively at all. My elder dsis had an equally good relationship with my Mum. So don't worry, your DTs don't care!

No jaffa - some of us just have quite a direct opinion which some people will tale personally if they are bothered by it. I'm not asking anyone to feel any way with regards to how I feel about certain things or agree with me. If other mums are happy with their choices then that's up to them but when a thread like this comes up I may come on and state how I see it and that's not because I'm putting anyone down it's just what I think about certain things such a breastfeeding or keeping babies close etc.

Echo - of course some people have no choice when it comes to separation and bf which is why I said in 'most' cases.

But why give a toss?
We are our own worst enemies if we let people foist their crap on to us.
I am not saying I never get upset, but people who mske blanket statements about particular aspects of parenting,mutually do it because they not have much empathy and/or imagination.

Ah well 50shades..

If you don't make nasty comments like that because you are insecure about your parenting, it leaves the only alternative being that you are just a bit nasty

What a shame :(

Hopefully it's not too late for you to change.

Comments like "I don't know why people like that bother to have kids" are just so unpleasant. I am sure that's not what you are really like as a person.

50 shades

It was you who tried to make catgirl feel bad by saying "or did I hit a nerve" She quite clearly explained that you hadn't but thought your post was judgemental.

You are coming across really worked up about this subject. Catgirl is coming across as level headed IMO.

I find all the breast beating on this thread about personal choices annoying - it's just another extension of the 'it's all about ME!' mentality which some people just CAN'T seem to get away from.

Can't we discuss how mums and babies are cared for without all the self justification and wailing?

50 shades

Peoples reasons to put their baby in nursery are hugely varied, just like decisions on breast feeding.

Being so self righteous about these things combined with statements like "I don't why people have children if their not going to xyz" just make you sound the exactly opposite of what you claim to be. It's all about you and how great YOU are because YOU wouldn't put your baby into a nursery etc. etc.
Very school yard and quite frankly naive to not be capable of understanding other peoples reasoning and choices.

It all comes down to PN care being generally crap these days. In the 70's my mum was in a for a week after my birth and I was in the nursery in the night, she still bf me for 6 months.

Mum was horrified when she saw the modern hell-fucking-hole PN ward of crying babies and shattered mums with no one to help them.

What, in your opinion Shagmund would be a more viable option for women who are also in need of support to also ensure that they are doing best by their baby too?

I had thought that establishing breastfeeding and doing skin to skin, I was doing alright in respect of bonding, and giving the baby a sense of well being. I was ill and very tired, and I knew the alternative could be far worse - being completely removed from my baby for four days as my previous experience shows. I guess my personal experience leaves it difficult to look at it without bias.

In best case, what support could have been in place for mum and what should happen with baby?

But what are you trying to achieve in saying "Ha ha ha ha, I did it RIGHT and you did it WRONG and although there's nothing you can do to reverse time and correct your decision, just to rub it in here's a study which PROVES you did it wrong". We have all been clueless first timers. Haven't we?

Rabbits - best option is clip on cots, more single rooms with accommodation for dad (who can also do skin 2 skin if mum is too tired and ill) or grandmothers, and if that's not forthcoming then more MSW's on postnatal wards. I can't see your post where you describe how you coped in the days after your baby was born so I can't comment on your personal choices. Would say though - this isn't about saying mothers and babies shouldn't be separated under any circumstances - it's about postnatal provision being shaped by an acknowledgement that OPTIMAL postnatal care will usually mean doing everything possible to support a mum to be with her baby after birth.

Ah catgirl... You are trying so hard but sorry your attempts to rile me are not working although they are amusing me.

I'm happy with my opinion on this ta.

These threads always go the same way, some posters agree with night nurseries and some don't. Other judgemental posters come and spout about the damage separation does at an early age.

Honestly, it isn't big in the scheme of things. OP, if your friend is happy with the situation be happy for her. She clearly wants the time to rest, and that service is available to her.

We live overseas and had both our children here. Although everything was fab re docs and nurses, I was in a private room (everyone was) and when i look back, I realise that although I speak the language pretty well, I couldn't think straight in ANY language after DC1 was born and so didn't think to/wasnt able to ask the many many questions I had...and although the nurses were lovely, they probably felt I wouldn't understand any advice they had to give. DS was put into nursery on the first night under my doctors orders and I actually kind of freaked out at midnight on the second night and put him in again. It wasnt till later that I realised that he was fed glucose . I didnt even think about it....was totally freaked out and had no idea really what to do with this wee baby! I was in agony too and still on drips etc so they made my panic worse.
As i really struggled to bf DS, I then made a point of asking everyone I could for help when DD was born. I also then chose to put her nursery overnight too. I just felt that I would take the chance of sleep while I had it. I didnt feel guilty at all. I was actually a bit peeved if I'm honest, when the nurse came in with her at 5am (I had only put her in at 1am!)!! but obviously was desperate to see her too. She was born at 2am the night before so I had had virtually 24hrs of holding/feeding/gazing at her- I didnt just have her wheeled off after she was born!!
Everyone is different...thats what makes us great! We're designed to have variations! I personally believe that anyone not making the most of any available help or support is a bit loopy....but others feel better being totally independent on some or all issues. Thats fine!

Some of this thread is shameful, it feels very much like women telling other women what failures they are as new mothers if they don't feel the need to spend 24 hours a day glued to their newborn.

I agree, malificence. What I was trying to get across to shag earlier was that making such emotive statements about how awful it is for the baby to be parted from their mum, some posters are essentially saying that that baby had a terrible start to life and insinuating that it is irrecoverable. For women who had to be parted, or who chose to because of their labour (and I definitely think that if you are exhausted and in pain then why not take advantage of a few hours decent sleep, you certainly won't get any at home), such statements just scream 'you're a failure as a mother'.