AIBU re: sending your newborn to the hospital nursery?

[coraltoes]

A good friend of mine has given birth in a private london hospital. I popped in yesterday to visit her, on what is was day 2 of her stay there post CS. I have to say what an amazing place it was, but i was left feeling a bit cold about something and wondered if I was wrong to?

She looked well rested, and I asked how the days and nights were going, as god knows newborns can be all over the place with their sleep and feeds. Her reply surprised me. She had been sending him to the nursery to sleep at night, from about 8pm with them bottle feeding him (she has chosen not to BF) through the night when he needs it. She did this from day 1.

Now, it is the kind of place that would help you in the night by your bed if you needed it, so she wouldnt have to make up bottles whilst struggling to walk with a scar etc. So I was a bit "hmmmmm" about not even letting your newborn sleep near you on his first night in the world, so you can get some sleep. If you had laboured for 2 nights i can see the appeal but her Csection was scheduled, and took place at the start of the day.

What do you guys make of it? Would you use the same service? Maybe i'm being a bit precious!

i would have LOVED that, nearly passed out on several occasions while trying to deal with DD in the night in hospital (had a PPH)

You're jealous OP, admit it! Not necessarily because of the private birth or maternity nurse but because you're friend sounds like she might be wealthy.

I had a c-section on the nhs and the hospital had a nursery. They took my baby in for a couple of hours because I must say I was in ruddy agony at times (the aftermath was a bit worse than expected, stitches wise). You try breast feeding when youve got no ability to bend in the middle and a length of metal wire going through you to hold your body together!

And I also forgot to say to your friend - ditch the OP! If she's this judgmental already, she surely ain't no friend!

Imo, it's fine to do so. I had vaginal births with both mine. Both times I laboured through the night. So exhausted from labour and no sleep I was knackered.
dd was born in the evening so I stayed in, ds early morning so went home that afternoon.
Dh getting sleep (I asked him to go home during the night) meant the first night home with them i got sleep and dh did the night feeds.
I didn't and wouldn't want to use a nursery, but dh did the first night (and plenty more after). However when recovering from labour and/ or a massive op, i think the mother getting sleep is a great idea.
I know i would have enjoyed the new born stage better if I was well rested, however both my dcs didn't sleep until their were in a proper bed.

I had no choice about where my DS spent the nights because he was in SCBU. Whilst I was in hospital still I was woken when he needed feeding and changing, so I went down the corridor (a long corridor, through two sets of security doors) and did it. They suggested that they do the 4am feed without waking me, and I gratefully accepted. I left hospital after a couple of days because I was physically fine and sitting in a postnatal ward with everyone else's screaming babies but not with my baby beside me was upsetting and I was taking up a bed. I had a couple of nights at home - and the nurses did overnight feeding and changing - and "roomed in" for a couple of nights where I shared a room with him and did everything for him before he came home.

I had no problem bonding, either then or now, once he was home. I even managed to establish bf and ebf for over six months.

I can see why it's not for everyone to either use a nursery or have constant skin to skin contact with their newborn, but having had no choice in the matter, i say that the OP's friend is lucky to have been able to make her decision and shouldn't be judged for it.

OP read the experiences on here from me, petiteraleuse and echocave. a c section is no picnic. Feel really sorry for your friend, I bet you were cooing over the baby and all lovely to her, then you come home and post on the internet that you are 'hmmmm' (whatever the hell that means!) about her using the facilities offered in the hospital (which are also available in NHS hospitals) to help her recover from the surgery.

its Day 2 - stop being critical/passive aggressive and give your friend a break!

givemeaclue - it's only a matter of time before those threads appear! OP, you can't be as horrible or insecure as you seem, can you???!

I had DD in a military hospital in Germany, I stayed in for 5 nights and DD went to the nursery every night for a few hours, the nurse would come to wake you for feeding, there were 6 of us to a room and if we'd all kept our babies through the night none of us would have got any sleep . DH was kicked out every night at 9pm, it didn't stop him bonding with DD at all, he would come in his lunch hour and for 3 hours at night, him working that first week enabled him to have three weeks at home when we came home , to wait on me hand and foot .

I certainly wouldnt judge a woman who has just had major surgery for wanting a rest, well rested mothers = well cared for babies.

Is this about C-Sections then? I didn't have one of those, normal induced birth - bit quick at only 90mins, but otherwise physically fine. I did have extra pain relief for the pelvic pain I suffer from due to arthritis though, and anaemia again, so was in hospital three nights following her birth.

I think that assisting the mother to rest in all cases of childbirth is very important, nobody seems to think of mum as much after baby is born, especially not in this country, we seem to be expected to be up and at them and straight on with it, no consideration for the fact that labour and birth can be very physically traumatic, not to mention abdominal surgery and people with haemorrhaging/anaemia.

Of course bonding and establishing breastfeeding are both important, but there's plenty of time for both to happen. I didn't see my DS for about four days from 48hrs after he was born because I had to be readmitted to hospital. Nobody gave me any help those first 48hrs, I was signed off to leave the hospital despite my own concerns and readmitted for surgery two days later with a bowel blockage, severe anaemia and a womb infection.

I nearly died, so when I fell pregnant with my second I made a vow not to suffer in silence, not to leave hospital before I felt ready and to allow other people to help me with baby so that we could BOTH rest after the trauma of birth. My experience of the second labour, birth and first few months are an amazing contrast to my first and I firmly believe it was my resolution to care for myself as well as my baby that helped with that.

Both DS and DD were born by cs. DS was an emcs and DD was sort of elective. DS came into the world screaming and didn't stop for about 36 hours unless he was attached to my boobs or moving. I had my cs at midnight and by about 8.00am I was up on the ward, catheter out, caring for DS. On our first night together I spent it walking the ward corridors as he wouldn't stop screaming and there were 3 other women in the room I didn't want to disturb. The MW took him away to let me get some rest but bought him back after about 20 mins as he was so distressed........ I would have loved the opportunity for him to go into a nursery but it was not offered!
DD was also a screamer and after havig rung the bell about a zillion times when she cried - couldn't pick her up - and having the young male midwife put her back into the cot uncovered and unswaddled I gave up and created a little safety barrier to stop me dropping her. Again no one offered to take her off so I could sleep - if they had I would have bitten their hands off!
OP - a cs is major abdominal surgery. Apparently I was up and out of bed far too quickly after the first one but I felt fine... after the second I was kept in bed for far too long in my opinion! Turning and lifting are painful from a bed but to be out of bed was easier for me.
Both mine were bf and the hospital was very keen on them being so - I suspect that is why they were not taken to a nursery. However it could have been that both mine were klingons and screamed the place down if not held!

I woke up to find an auxiliary about to wheel DD away from me and nearly pulled the woman's arm off!
I am a relaxed slack mum but I don't let them out of my sight when they are newborns.
They go everywhere with me.

That is the way I do things but if someone does it differently it doesn't bother mr at all.
I might not understand it but all that means is that I dont understand it!

Had dcs4&5 at home. So much easier to do it the way wanted. No one to touch my babies cept me :)

If a new mother needs a few hours quality sleep - why not make use of the facilities designed for that purpose?

Of course bonding and establishing breastfeeding are both important

The OP's friend isn't going to bf, she had decided this pre birth, so that isn't an issue.

Your friend sounds like she has the right idea. If I could I would absolutely use the hospital nursery and have a maternity nurse. I would also love a maid and a chef for the first few months but unfortunately I'm not Angelina Jolie (boo hoo).

DS 2 is 6 but they would take babies off to the nursery if you wanted when I had him. A lot of the Mums on my ward where in for extended stays or had babies in SCBU and it wasnt unusual for them to do a night feed so you got some rest

I would have missed my baby terribly.

DS was looked after by a nurse for 40 minutes through the night after a long labour and spinal block for a forceps delivery. He wouldn't settle and I desperately needed to sleep.

I still feel bad about it and he's 15 months, but your friend is not me and is presumably comfortable with her decision if she considered it beforehand.

DD seemed very settled and sleeping well the first few days in hospital that I also let her go to the nursery overnight. Bf was not a problem, they would bring her back everytime she needed to feed, so I would do it again. If she had been crying I would not have been happy to leave her though.

I used the nursery between midnight and 6am. I've had health problems in the past so know the importance of rest - with six hours sleep, I could continue mothering well for much longer. It was agony to see DD being wheeled away but she was fine and I still don't regret it.

I'll be honest and frank, I think it's pretty shit. Yeah yeah may be lovely for the mum, lots of rest blah blah. But poor bloody baby in a room full of strangers on her first night out of the womb, strange smells, strange sounds. Must be utterly terrifying.

Utterly terrifying? Really? FFS. You're projecting learned emotions onto a newborn baby. They can feel stress, but I would be very surprised if they feel fear in circumstances such as these. Any hospital with a nursery would bring a stressed baby back to its mum or provide adequate comfort - ie food / cuddles.

Newborns are surprisingly resiliant. They have to be in order to be born. To be taken away from mum to a warm, comfortable place while they sleep, and even fed by someone who is holding them that isn't their mum, is not going to be terrifying. Projecting adult emotions and feelings onto them isn't proof of extra compassion or understanding.

hear hear Petite

After having a vaginal birth with both of my dc's I felt fortunate enough to be offered the option of the lovely health care assistant to settle them after night breast feeding and I bit their arm off with both times! It was a small midwife led unit, I would breast feed my Dc and then hca would settle/ rock them till they slept and then place them back in the cot by side of my bed.

I loved it, felt well rested and supported. Just pointing out that there is a middle ground really-and as always not all black and white.

You find it hard to believe a newborn could be terrified? Per earlier posts, newborns are designed to look for mothers eyes, can distingusih mothers voice v others. Hear rate, blood sugars more stable etc etc when experiencing skin to skin with mother. Take her away - the only person they know - to be put in a bright, noisy environment which is completely alien - is it that much of a leap of imagination to conclude it could be pretty terrifying? I know my toddler can get pretty scared in an environment which is alien (esp if I leave him there). So a newborn?

Agreed newborns are resilient. The can withstand an array of things. Doesnt mean its optimal. Sure they'll be 'fine' - but staying with mum is preferable (as is bf, but obviously a different discussion)

I do love how people read into my OP and try to guess what kid of person i am. I simply said the setup left me feeling a bit cold. The "hmmm" was a contemplative one...not sure how else to type that out. Hence the open questions of what others made of the service and would they use it? I didnt say she was lazy or cruel, i said i was surprised and probably being precious. I also conceded i was unreasonable to judge it.

I guess I am more of the school of thought that newborns benefit from close contact as much as it possible.

From this you have decided i am jealous of her wealth, that I will be critical about her choices on weaning, returning to work, baby development. I think this says far more about you than about me. Those are not topics that bother me much, i had just never encountered the nursery setup so was surprised. Hardly worth getting knickers twisted over it.