AIBU re: sending your newborn to the hospital nursery?

[coraltoes]

A good friend of mine has given birth in a private london hospital. I popped in yesterday to visit her, on what is was day 2 of her stay there post CS. I have to say what an amazing place it was, but i was left feeling a bit cold about something and wondered if I was wrong to?

She looked well rested, and I asked how the days and nights were going, as god knows newborns can be all over the place with their sleep and feeds. Her reply surprised me. She had been sending him to the nursery to sleep at night, from about 8pm with them bottle feeding him (she has chosen not to BF) through the night when he needs it. She did this from day 1.

Now, it is the kind of place that would help you in the night by your bed if you needed it, so she wouldnt have to make up bottles whilst struggling to walk with a scar etc. So I was a bit "hmmmmm" about not even letting your newborn sleep near you on his first night in the world, so you can get some sleep. If you had laboured for 2 nights i can see the appeal but her Csection was scheduled, and took place at the start of the day.

What do you guys make of it? Would you use the same service? Maybe i'm being a bit precious!

I was also a single mother. So yeah, no help there either.

Really good post, Rabbits.

Under normal circumstances a baby needs to be held, cuddled and feed by it's mother in the early days. Dads can play a part to supporting the mum in her new role and helping with some of the rocking and pacifying

But when mum is in hospital and incapacitated and dad isn't allowed to stay then the baby has to be handed over to someone else.

The reason why so many fathers don't have the relationship they should with their young children is because we, as a society is still set up to put women in the role as main carer, rather than shared,even when there are genuine reasons (such as illness) that they should not be, so they can recover.

If fathers cannot fulfil that role, through work issues, then there is nothing wrong with trustworthy others helping.

I did exactly this in a posh London hospital when DTs were born by CS. I cried when they left but felt it was "best" I rested to prepare for being home with newborn twins. I've always felt sad about it. Even that I missed the first revolting poo.

Happily I had DS2 in local NHS and he's barely left my side in 18 months! I have to say DTs and our bond are unaffected but the guilt lingers.

I had no support system in place when I had my first child and only my husband when I had my second.

My DS (now 13) was in SCBU for a week, and I was discharged at the same time as him. My partner had dumped me at 8mo pregnant after cheating on me and I had moved into my mum's 300 miles away until the birth. Once discharged I discovered that my mother had arranged for me to go in to a Social Services run Mother and Baby home. To put that into context, it was classed as a 'Nursing Home' for HB purposes and I qualified for a Leaving Care Grant when I finally got out of the place.

Just in case you think that makes me a 'benefit scrounger' or 'chavvy scum', I grew up in a MC family/area, was a really good girl who was just let down and only didn't complete my first degree because I left to support my mother who had a nervous breakdown. I have since gained a first class degree amongst other things and am a primary school teacher now.

With DD, we couldn't afford for DH to take paternity leave so he took 2 weeks annual leave from the day of DD's birth (5 wks early), most of which was spent rushing around like a loon visiting me in hospital (EMCS was in for a week but spent 12 hours in recovery and DD was nearly 24 hours old before I actually got to see her properly). DD was in SCBU for 16 days. I wasn't able to even attempt BF for 2 days.

When we came home we had no one. No visitors, no help, no over enthusiastic relatives wanting to visit. No preparation (she was born on the Friday, we had planned to get everything sorted that weekend). DH was back at work before DD was discharged. All the things that Mother and Baby Magazine assured me would happen re: "make the most of everyone's interest in your new baby and get your head down for a couple of hours" didn't happen.

The only thing that got me through the whole thing was the fact that my children were both in SCBU when they were born which meant I got a few decent nights sleep (well I BF from day 2, but I got lots of rest/sleep in between).

I'm not going to comment on other people's experiences, but I don't think I'd have coped as well as I did if I'd been exhausted from day one and never had chance to recover from that. My children certainly show no signs of having suffered for it.

I don't think it'd do any harm at all, but i dont think it's right

Why would you want your baby to spend the first nights of its life in a room away from you? Whether you're knackered or not where's that maternal instinct?

Wheny my dsis had her DC3 and had a 3yo and 2yo at home the hospital kept her in for 5 days so she could have a rest! They even sent her into town for a wander and looked after DC3 for her in hospital. This is in small town, small country, and she knew them well. Quite a service eh?

DS was taken to the nursery for a while on the second night. I am eternally grateful to them for it! I knew they would keep him safe and it would allow me to rest.

Sadly they wouldn't take DD when she was born. Pah.

Dunno, still waiting for my maternal instinct to kick in. Everyone told me Mum knows best, and yet both my experiences with my children were so different, one horrific; one hard work, but a lovely time. I don't think any such thing really exists, but I'd say any parent who does what is best given their knowledge at the time can grow up with a clear conscience that they did their best.

And there is knackered, and so knackered you start hallucinating, with different thresholds for each person. You could carry on regardless, but obviously the outcome of "my baby is a ninja sent to kill me" isn't going to be the same as "mum can you have baby tonight, I've expressed some milk and I am exhausted, need a good sleep so I can best care for baby" would most certainly be two different things.

I wouldnt do it. It was bad enough my dc being taken away from me after an hour & not returned for a good 7 hours. She needed to get hooked up to antibiotics thats why she was taken away. I just wanted to hold her forever.

LunaticFringe
I think it gets emotive because people have such different experiences. Plus people who had babies in scbu don't choose that and people banging on about the first few days being so important makes us feel like crap

Thanks - saves me from writing the same thing!

Of course everyone has their own opinions on such emotive topics as this but shagmundfreud, statements such as "Babies who have skin to skin and are held by their mothers cry less, have better control of their blood sugars and a more stable body temperature... impact of prolonged skin to skin on bonding can may be identified months down the line in happier relationships between mothers and their young babies" manages to make those of us who were unfortunately separated from our babies the moment they were born feel like shite. There's a thread over on the Childbirth section about how distressed and even traumatised mums can feel months, years after birth by being separated from their baby for the first days or weeks. I know you are trying to make a point you believe strongly in and I know that you are not saying anything in a harsh way, but comments like that can be incredibly upsetting to some people. It was not my choice that I was separated from DD. It was not my choice that my mw's were so crap that there was no discussion about expressing after DD needed to be f'fed, so I never breastfed.

I think we've established then that for some new mothers, a bit of a break and some rest is important before they can get on with the important task of being good mothers.

Whilst for others, the thought of being separated from their newborn for any reason is anathema.

Thus proving what I have long suspected, that we are all different and there is no one absolute right way of doing anything and that the majority of us instinctively know what is best for ourselves and our children in both the short term and the long run.

"shagmundfreud, statements impact of prolonged skin to skin on bonding can may be identified months down the line in happier relationships between mothers and their young babies" manages to make those of us who were unfortunately separated from our babies the moment they were born feel like shite"

I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad, but this thread is about whether prolonged separation following birth - when there is no medical need - is a good thing.

There is a body of research flagging up a range of reasons why it's not, and this research has contributed to the move to stop routine separation of mothers and babies within the NHS over the past 20 years.

'Thus proving what I have long suspected, that we are all different '

Adults have different desires and needs, but all babies benefit from having skin to skin and prolonged contact with their mothers after birth, unless there are medical problems which require the baby to be separated from the mother in order to receive treatment or monitoring. And actually even these babies benefit from skin to skin, hence the promotion of kangaroo care for babies who are well enough to be held.

Because this isn't JUST about what adults feel and want is it? As I keep saying.

here

And to reiterate - this isn't "new mums keep their baby and get NO rest or help" vs "new mums hand baby to midwife for a couple of hours so they can have a rest after surgery or a difficult labour". We are talking about whether it's a good idea for newborn babies to spend whole nights away from their mother even though the support and help is available for her to keep her baby with her and still get some rest and care.

"and that the majority of us instinctively know what is best for ourselves and our children in both the short term and the long run."

Don't be wet. In many countries mothers are scarcely allowed to see their newborn babies in the days after birth. This used to be the case in the UK - that the baby would go into a nursery no matter what the mother wanted or thought was best, and be bought for a feed every four hours then taken back to the nursery. Women are so vulnerable around the time of the birth they just have to go along with whatever the hospital protocols are - whether it's to leave her to struggle with her baby alone, or to encourage her to believe it's fine to send to baby to be looked after by strangers. I don't think either would really be the choice for most women if they had a chance to really think it through and were encouraged to think about the experience from their baby's point of view.

There's also the issue of the catastrophic effect separation can have on breastfeeding. Most women want to breastfeed, but a MASSIVE number stop because they never really get it off the ground, and sometimes - often - this is related to poor hospital practices like routine separation and unnecessary formula supplementation.

I think many mothers don't get the care they need to provide optimal nurturing for their babies. Their desires and hopes don't really count for much when they're up against a system which isn't able to provide good postnatal support.

And as long as people go around diminishing the importance of both mothers AND babies getting optimal care after birth then things are never likely to improve.

NellyBluth, sorry to hear about your traumatic experience.

My DS was premature, and in SCBU for about 3 weeks. We were separated overnight, as there were no beds for parents in the SCBU.

The neo-natal nurses strongly encouraged DH & I to have lots of skin-to-skin contact (also known as kangeroo care) with DS as soon DS was strong enough to breathe unaided. The reasons given for this were pretty similar to those Shagmundfreud gives. We were also told that premature babies who get lots of kangeroo care improve faster and get to go home faster than babies who don't.

Thanks drtachyon, I hope your DS is well now? I think there is a huge difference in the care given by NICU and neonatal nurses in different hospitals. Medically my hospital was brilliant for DD, but their care of new mums was poor.

Yanbu - I wonder why people like your friend bother having kids. I detest this trend for farming babies out as soon as possible and not even attempting to bf is not something I have any respect for.

get. over. yourself. ^^

And there are so many mothers out there who bang on about 'what's right for me is right foe my baby bollocks... What a load of rubbish. Babies needs are if ignored by too many mothers who put their feelings first and then try to justify it. Babies need their mums and babies will almost always benefit from being on the breast with breastmilk rather than artificial milk from a plastic bottle.

My grandma has been a midwife for all of her working life and she thinks the night nurseries are one the best ideas they have. Have to say I agree.
Labour is friggin knackering, a long deep sleep is the best cure for it. Obviously not possible with a newborn by your side!

Yes, NellyBluth, DS is now thriving. He's generally a happy little chap, despite the unavoidable early separation!

I agree it's a great shame that some hospitals fail to support new mums, particularly when they're also having to deal with being parted from a sick or premature baby.

Posted too soon.
I don't think I would ever take advantage of it myself, but wouldn't judge others who did.

Is that aimed at me catgirl? Why are you so upset about my opinion? Unless I have hit a nerve.

Ooh those mothers will be beside themselves, fiftyshades at the loss of your respect.
Whilst separation from a baby in the early hours is not ideal, the next forty odd years of the relationship are also quite important wouldn't you experts say?

No - no nerve - The situation the OP describes is not for me - I just don't need to nastily judge other peoples parenting

But then I'm not insecure about my own parenting so don't need to try and make myself feel better by behaving like that

Sad for you that you do :(