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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: sending your newborn to the hospital nursery?

274 replies

coraltoes · 10/08/2012 09:31

A good friend of mine has given birth in a private london hospital. I popped in yesterday to visit her, on what is was day 2 of her stay there post CS. I have to say what an amazing place it was, but i was left feeling a bit cold about something and wondered if I was wrong to?

She looked well rested, and I asked how the days and nights were going, as god knows newborns can be all over the place with their sleep and feeds. Her reply surprised me. She had been sending him to the nursery to sleep at night, from about 8pm with them bottle feeding him (she has chosen not to BF) through the night when he needs it. She did this from day 1.

Now, it is the kind of place that would help you in the night by your bed if you needed it, so she wouldnt have to make up bottles whilst struggling to walk with a scar etc. So I was a bit "hmmmmm" about not even letting your newborn sleep near you on his first night in the world, so you can get some sleep. If you had laboured for 2 nights i can see the appeal but her Csection was scheduled, and took place at the start of the day.

What do you guys make of it? Would you use the same service? Maybe i'm being a bit precious!

OP posts:
FateLovesTheFearless · 10/08/2012 11:09

After each of my children's births it would have taken an army of people to prise my newborn from my dead body in the early days, I was so in awe and love. However it didn't really do me any favours in getting rest etc. each to their own!

EasilyBored · 10/08/2012 11:11

Well if you can afford the help of a nurse in those first few weeks, why would you not choose it? There are plenty of other things we do to make our lives easier, why is this so different?

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 10/08/2012 11:12

Coraltoes... funded as part of health insurance over there...

It is a good system. I should track mine down and send her a picture of DS now. In fact I may well do that...

saffronwblue · 10/08/2012 11:13

On my first night in hospital with DD I asked a midwife to take her to the nursery as I was so shattered. Then I panicked that I had let a total stranger who might have been impersonating a nurse take her away and I staggered miles down the corridor in my bloodstained nightie to retrieve her.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 10/08/2012 11:14

If the nursery option had been open to me for the 4 nights I was on the PN ward I would have taken it. It was only when I collapsed with exhaustion that I got any help at all and what's the point of sending home a baby who's well with a mother who's not physically able to cope?

I breastfed for 16 months but also had awful PND.

VoldemortsOlympicNippleRings · 10/08/2012 11:14

I remember having DD. I had a very long labour through the night. She was born at 5am and I may have had an hours sleep after getting to the ward. For the rest of the day I was on a high and we had loads of visitors.

At 9.30pm I was having a cuddle with her sitting up in bed when another mum came over and asked me if i wanted her to put DD back in her cot. I had fell asleep with her in my arms. I was mortified that I could have dropped DD because I'd fell asleep.

So I took her the nursery and asked the midwife if she could care for her. She was brought back to me at about 5am the following morning having been fed and changed during the night. I was breastfeeding but was assured to carry on where I left off, which I did and there was no problems.

For me, I felt DD was better off in the nursery with midwives who were awake and on the ball rather than with an over tired mum.

Some mums are petrified of going to sleep the first few nights with nobody awake and caring for their baby. Live and let live I say.

DuelingFanjo · 10/08/2012 11:14

"Well if you can afford the help of a nurse in those first few weeks, why would you not choose it? "

having a dishwasher or a washing machine is so different to having another person in your home for hours on end. I wouldn't even want my own mother in my house for that long Grin
I can understand that people do it because they think it's really important that they get sleep, that the baby has a routine etc but I think these people are a bit odd and have a strange view of what parenthood is about. What do these people do when their baby is 3 and starts waking in the night for no reason, or when they start wetting the bed for no reason, or just generally have a change in the 'expected' behaviour?

I dunno - all I can do is shrug and say I don't understand it. People do different things but I don't think that it's normal to have this kind of help.

janey68 · 10/08/2012 11:14

Can I just ask whether the martyr mummies who couldnt bear to let their newborn out of their sight.. Did you force yourself to stay awake the whole time in hospital?? I mean, youre not watching your baby if you're asleep! You could argue that a baby is 'safer' being watched by the midwives who have to stay awake!
Seeing as 99.9% of the time the newborn is likely to be asleep anyway, I'm wondering how their emotional wellbeing is being compromised??

My newborn spent the second night in the midwives work station, a couple of doors down from my room, as I was so exhausted after a long natural labour and birth that I wanted to be sure I wasn't worrying about unfamiliar snorts and snuffles from baby in crib next to me, and I was actually worried I might not wake up if she cried (ha ha - first time mum!) so I wanted to know the midwife would bring her straight to me.

I'm really confused about her emotional well being was at risk Hmm

BrittaPerry · 10/08/2012 11:16

Saying that, both of mine went to he nurses station for short periods, and I had them sleeping next to me at other times nd breastfed them both successfully. With dd1 I had a crash section and had blood transfusion, she was a but prem, ec etc, so I had t ask for help to do anything not lying down, and 7 months throwing up, 14 hours labour and massive blood loss does take it out of you somewhat...

With dd2, nice calm planned section, I still had a catheter, drips, etc, so it was very hard to move about, get comfy etc. those two hours sleep while someone else did the changes, soothing etc were like gold dust.

And this is all from an extended breastfeeding, NHs, co sleeping, baby wearing type.

FunnysInLaJardin · 10/08/2012 11:17

Good grief. If someone offered to do the night feeds I'd have jumped at the chance. No honour in being up all night with a crying baby IMO

DuelingFanjo · 10/08/2012 11:18

"Can I just ask whether the martyr mummies who couldnt bear to let their newborn out of their sight.. Did you force yourself to stay awake the whole time in hospital??"

Can I ask why you use the term Martyr mummies?

I set an alarm for every three hours in the night so I could attach myself to a pump for 10 days, then when my son came home I fed him whenever he asked to be fed.
Does that make me a martyr?

Shagmundfreud · 10/08/2012 11:18

Cotes - do some research. Babies show a marked preference for their mothers and recognise them by smell and by their voice. There is evidence that some 'imprinting' is going on in the first 24 hours - hence the staring, nuzzling and smelling of the first few hours after birth. Babies who have skin to skin and are held by their mothers cry less, have better control of their blood sugars and a more stable body temperature. There has been research done with mother and baby pairs recently which appears to show that the impact of prolonged skin to skin on bonding can may be identified months down the line in happier relationships between mothers and their young babies. Am on phone now but will try to get on computer and link to this research later.

Babies DO have emotions you know. Even if they are hard to read!

MrsKeithRichards · 10/08/2012 11:18

Maybe dual because you're not just having a baby and if people take some help to get over the nightmarish first few weeks then great. They've got the rest of their lives to parent the child they gave birth to. Babyhood is a tiny fraction of that time.

FateLovesTheFearless · 10/08/2012 11:19

Doesn't count for me janey, dd1 I was in hospital for nine hours before going home, dd2, 12 hours, ds 1, 10 hours and ds2, 24 hours. I am sure if I had been in for days on end I would have ended up looking for a break to rest.

drtachyon · 10/08/2012 11:19

I think a lot depends on the physical condition of both the mother and the baby. If I was feeling fit enough to care for a newborn, and the baby was well enough to stay with me, then I'd keep him by my side.

I don't think a few nights in a hospital nursery will harm a baby though. DS was in SCBU for about 3 weeks, and he's usually a very happy baby now.

Also, other than our worries about his health, one of my (in retrospect, far fetched) worries was that the nurses would get him mixed up with another baby having seen a documentary about this happening in South Africa shortly before going into labour .

EasilyBored · 10/08/2012 11:19

It is really important that they get sleep! I'm by no means saying that day old babies should be sleeping through the night (DS is 7.5 months and we're only just getting to a point where he wants to drop his night feed and sleep through occasionally), but like many women I hadn't slept for days when I gave birth (fairly traumatic elivery) and I needed sleep. Needed it to the point of being hysterical with exhaustion. Having a child does come with a level of exhaustion and sleep deprivation that people don't generally think about, but I don't see the harm in having someone come and help and make sure that the time you spend with your baby is locely and stress free. I was terrified I would fall asleep feeding him and smother him with my giant boobs and I was lucky that my husband did everything else, I just sat there feeding DS and having food and drink brought to me. If you need to get someone in to help you, then I don't see why this is such a big issue.

Shagmundfreud · 10/08/2012 11:22

Again - look how many of these posts are SOLELY focused on the feelings and experiences of adults.

And BTW - we are talking here about an overnight separation, not babies being taken off for a couple of hours while an unwell mother rests and recovers from a difficult birth.

DuelingFanjo · 10/08/2012 11:23

On reflection maybe I am not the best person to comment on all this. I was in labour for 3 days and then ended up with a baby in neo natal and was literally living off adrenalin for the first 10 days. Maybe something kicked in which just made me get through all the worry and the effort.

Everyone's circumstance is different isn't it. Live and let live I guess.

threeleftfeet · 10/08/2012 11:23

"Did you force yourself to stay awake the whole time in hospital?? I mean, youre not watching your baby if you're asleep! You could argue that a baby is 'safer' being watched by the midwives who have to stay awake!"

DS slept in a cot right by my bed. I wanted to have him in bed with me but the nurses wouldn't allow it Hmm

I slept on and off, as did DS. I think he was exhausted too! Sometimes I picked him up and marvelled at him, then I put him back down. When he cried I woke. I am usually a heavy sleeper, and can sleep through fireworks and allsorts, but still to this day I wake if DS makes noises.

But even if i hadn't woken up, i was in a hospital. I expect that if DS had been screaming his head off a nurse would have come to check up on us!

Original poster
coraltoes · 10/08/2012 11:24

Easilybored, the drawbacks i've seen to the nurse are when the mother lets her do it all without really showing/teaching her. So once she departs, the mother is back to square one but with a baby who is now 3 or 4 weeks old. It can work very well though, if it is a combined approach to the baby, providing reassurance then it can be a very positive experience for the uncertain parent!

OP posts:
Shagmundfreud · 10/08/2012 11:25

MrsKeith - new mums need love, care and support. And sometimes proper nursing too. A humane system would try to provide these things without removing the baby for long periods of time.

Downandoutnumbered · 10/08/2012 11:25

I agree with EasilyBored: everyone knows it's knackering, so why not plan things in a way that will make you less knackered, if you can afford to? I didn't need to because DH was home with us, but if I'd been home alone with DS I'd have paid for help, because a mother who's crying with exhaustion and misery is no good to anyone.

threeleftfeet · 10/08/2012 11:26

" Babies show a marked preference for their mothers and recognise them by smell and by their voice. There is evidence that some 'imprinting' is going on in the first 24 hours - hence the staring, nuzzling and smelling of the first few hours after birth. Babies who have skin to skin and are held by their mothers cry less, have better control of their blood sugars and a more stable body temperature. There has been research done with mother and baby pairs recently which appears to show that the impact of prolonged skin to skin on bonding can may be identified months down the line in happier relationships between mothers and their young babies. "

^This.

While you can't expect new mothers to know this necessarily, I do expect the hospitals to know this. I think hospitals that encourage separation of mother and baby are failing in their duty of care to both of them.

Iggly · 10/08/2012 11:31

No martyr here. I had ds at home then we went into hospital and he was taken into SCBU. I felt awful having him away from me. First few weeks I couldn't bear for him to be out of sight!

Same with dd - I remember when they took her to be weighed etf, following the MW around the room with my eyes. She came to the toilet and shower with me too while she was teeny.

pinkdelight · 10/08/2012 11:31

"My children are the love of my life. I wanted their first night outside of me to be as emotionally and physically as happy an experience as possible. I think babies know who their mothers are and feel most comfortable and at ease when they are close to them, as up to this point their mother is all they know. No you can't measure how being separated from all they know when they are uniquely vulnerable makes them feel. I suppose in your book that makes their feelings and experience something we can happily disregard."

Far from it, Shagmund. My children are the love of my life too, funnily enough. And I had both DSs with me from the moment they were born. I'm just able to see the other side of it too, rather than assuming what's right for me is Right full-stop. And whatever your research says, I can assure you that my DS1 had plenty of skin-to-skin etc and couldn't have cried more. There are myriad factors contributing to a person's health and happiness. The first 24-hours plays its part but good grief, it is really not the be all and end all. As those with babies who are whisked away into SCBU will attest!