To hope that my neighbour (or his wife) reads this?

[politebutgrumpy]

Hello Mr N and Mrs N

Indeed, hello anyone else who reads this and it reminds them of their own behaviour.

Please STOP FUCKING ENTERING MY FRONT AND BACK GARDENS WITHOUT MY FUCKING PERMISSION.

The first time, with your kids frisbee, I ignored it. Because hey kids throw frisbees.

The next time, when you REPAINTED THE SLABS ON THE PAVING STONES THAT ARE ON MY LAND I ignored it, because I was jet lagged and ill and DP was away and I couldn't handle a row by myself. And then it seemed to late and petty.

But when you PRUNED MY FUCKING PLANTS BACK and we texted you to say no we meant no. Prune from your side all you want but not ours. We like them a bit secret gardeny. Because its how we want it and we own them and the land and it gives us privacy from you.

Don't enter again. When you came in after your washing up gloves fell into our garden and I again asked you to stop I wasn't looking for an apology or an excuse I was looking for absolute confirmation that it would stop.

What you are doing is TRESPASS. It is also FUCKING CREEPY and breaks every social norm people on this cramped little island have.

I am going to get a monitor now so I can spy you entering. I can and I will take legal action. Also, the walls are very thin between my study and your kitchen, so I may consider playing inappropriate music, violent films, pornography etc on loudspeaker at certain times of the day. See how you like your space invaded.

Yours sincerely

PBG

God yes. We want a picture.

I promise Pagwatch! As soon as I can!

I also liked the nettle idea, but brambles would be better, plus you might get some blackberries off them.
It's almost a shame that poison ivy doesn't grow in the UK...

Brambles! Excellent!

You don't need a dog, as such, you just need dog poo. Placed strategically where your DC can't get it, but around where a ladder would be placed...

Forget the water in the paddling pool. Fill it with snakes.

Definitely the anti vandal paint with a strongly worded letter beforehand forewarning them that their trespass is completely unacceptable. By the way do you suspect that they may be nutters, just in case they may up the ante and carry on regardless. Be on your guard!

Do you want to borrow my kids?
They wouldn't bother you again.
They would probably move.

Alsatians will be useless.
You need a small yappy dog.
Or three.

Im small and yappy, you can borrow me!

Omg your neighbours are nuts! I think big prickly plantd in pots where they put the ladder snd i would repaint the slabs with a colour i like that clashes with theirs. Yes to the anti vandal paint, it willruin their clothes if nothing else!

Cactus?

PooPoo - if I feed you wine will you come and sit in my garden all summer?

MrsdeVere - I would be delighted to hire your children for the purpose. How many are there?

Something on this thread makes me think of those photos of a dog that had a run in with a porcupine which all over the papers today.
Poor doggie!

Not quite sure what! And I don't think I'll be sorry for your neighbours.

coffee - I am that porcupine.

The thing is, to meet them in the street, you wouldn't think they were mad. Although to be fair, neither did some of the readers of my op!

Whenever this happens I am torn between wanting to scream at them, and wanting to get inside their heads to understand the thought process which made it seem like a good and not daft and intrusive idea...

I have three at home at present although my eldest boy could be procured without too much trouble. He plays the guitar and looks well dodgy.
The others are small and loud with lots of hair.
I also have yappy dogs,I will chuck them in for free.

Two days of that lot and your neighbours will be erecting 10 foot fences to block the view.

MrsDeVere it takes a special skill to play the guitar as badly as I will need it played every time they try and enter. Can I pay extra for bad playing, pref accompanying my "Milkshake" (or even worse, my bob dylan renditions)?

I can do the worst Elvis you've ever heard! Its a special talent.

You're hired!

For company I can offer a cat who won't enter the garden without someone being there, Mrs DeVere's children and my baby when it comes. There will be a fridge full of wine, pate, fruit and treats and a karoke machine.

yep, they are lunatics obviously. I would get my oh and go round there and say how you feel, (maybe without the fucks and bastards!!). you didn't mind the frisbee, but the painting of slabs and pruning of bushes, not to mention SCALING your fence is unacceptable, and you won't tolerate it.if that fails, barbed wire 4 sure, the animals will be ok, very rarely do they get caught out on barbed wire up high:)

Alienreflux - in the (unlikely) event that my cat ever left my sight it is the totally daft thing that she would do. She does the splits on curtain rails daily. Can't face the thought of barbed wire cat....

You're going to get surveillance equipment installed?!?!

Eek barbed wire cat sounds bad!

The thing is your OP made it sound like you were a bit nutty yourself - to me, anyway as I imagined it happening in my house's set up (front gardens almost adjoining, with a token hedge as a border, therefore things like retrieving a frisbee or even pruning no big issue).

However the minute you mentioned how they were entering your garden it's pretty clear you are in no way at all BU!

No better suggestions than those already suggested, but having lived in a flat and having had a really irritating neighbour I do feel your pain and wish you well in sorting it out.

ThePig, in my more unhinged moments I consider it. But I'll go for PooPoo and Mrs DeVere instead...