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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To wonder why my overweight friend won't try harder?

147 replies

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 15:58

I have a friend who is morbidly obese. Her mother died last year in her sleep at the young age of 44 due to high blood pressure. Her mum was also largely overweight and was a much loved nurse (on the heart ward!). i loved her dearly. Her death was a huge shock. She'd never been diagnosed with high blood pressure before.

Since then, my friend - who has NEVER bothered about her weight before - has suddenly become obsessed with it. She inherited a lot of money from her mum's death, as well as being left the house. She's converted one of the rooms into a gym and also bought a year's membership at the local gym. In a year - she's been once, and never used the gym equipment in her own home.

I tried to help her by saying i'd exercise with her, we'd do something fun, i'd help her do a healthy meal planner etc. She said no because she doesn't like exercise, and she doesn't like fruit/veg.

I told her that it's still possible to eat less fatty foods without consuming a tonne of veg. I told her it's still possible to lose weight without exercising for hours each day. But she said she couldn't be bothered with it all. She wants a quick fix. She's been looking online at the stomach band thing, and has also bought some diet pills online from America.

I've seen the film 'Requiem for a Dream' and it's made me petrified of diet drugs. I told her this, and she said a friend recommended them to her and she's fine with them having traces of speed in them if it'll make her thin!

Anyway, they made her ill, so her new thing is Herbalife. She tried it for a morning, said it was disgusting, and hasn't touched it again. yet more money down the pan.

meanwhile she's eating utter crap and getting little to no exercise each day. Her work is literally next door to her home. She gets taxis everywhere else. She works full time and get's takeouts every lunchtime, and takeaways every dinnertime. She keeps NOTHING in her fridge, but her freezer's always packed full.

I told her to make a packed lunch each night before work, but she says she can't bothered. It's quicker to get a takeaway.

I was looking at old school pics of us today and she's always been very overweight, but she's positively ballooned in the last ten years. nothing in the high street fits her anymore.

She's not depressed. She is not called names etc by random people. She is actually very popular in our town and much loved by everyone. So it's nothing to do with comfort eating etc as she's always been the same. She just loves food.

Last week, i invited her round to mine for dinner after work. She came and while i was cooking, she devoured a full multipack of crisps (10 packets!) and 4 of my daughter's chocolate bars from her treat tub.

I told her that's not on and i want money for them. She laughed and handed me over a tenner (so i actually made quite a profit, but thats not the point). I told her she has a cheek to complain about her weight when she eats like this. her excuse was 'but i've not eaten anything all day. I've been good so deserve a treat.'

I gave her dinner - Leek and potato soup with brown bread. She told me she hates bread, so left that, but ate the soup no problem. She asked for second helpings, and then thirds... I'd made a full pot (enough normally to freeze into 12 portions) and there was nothing left!

I told her that i'd give her the recipe for it, but she refused and said she doesn't like cooking.

She then went into my living room and started farting and burping away! She always does this when she's here and it bugs the hell out of me! Her wind is seriously disgusting because of her diet, and i tell her this all the time. It goes on for about an hour, i'm having to open all the windows etc, letting all the heat out. And when she leaves, like i always do when she visits, i need to shove all loose fabrics such as cushion covers etc into the wash because they reek of her wind! She's just soooo lazy and is really starting to bug me!

On the other hand, i have another mutual friend who is overweight, and has always been upset about it. Two years ago, she decided enough was enough and has managed to lose 4 stone, through gentle exercise and small changes to her diet.

It doesn't take much effort, so why can't my other friend do the same? The 'quick fix' approach obviously isn't working for her so what will? I'm really worried about her and angry too.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 08/08/2012 07:41

You do sound like you don't like your friend much. I know you say you love her, but you sound really nasty and contemptuous towards her in your OP. That's not how you talk about a friend or loved one, surely?

I can understand the frustration of seeing someone engage in self-destructive behaviours, but I'm not sure there's much more you can do - nagging someone about their weight or diet rarely works, however well-intentioned. I'm sure she knows she's obese, and that it isn't good for her health, and that eating the way she does it not helping - and you telling her this is a bit patronising - but she has to want to do something about it, and at the moment it sounds like for whatever reason she doesn't.

I think you need to back off if you want to keep the friendship.

headisintheshed · 08/08/2012 07:49

I don't think you deserve a flaming either. I would be worried about her too and I'd be annoyed at eating all of your daughters snacks. I probably wouldn't charge her for them but something had to be done to set some boundaries.

It seems that she knows you're concerned which is why she talks about diets all of the time. The simple fact is that if she knows she is morbidity obese and is doing nothing about it then she isn't ready to. It could never drop but her health is ultimately her responsibility. If she finds it too difficult with diets and she is morbidity obese then maybe a gastric band could be the solution. You say she has money to burn and it could drastically improve her health despite being a drastic measure. Have you spoken to her about getting one fitted?

She will eat what she wants to eat whether it's for comfort or not. She will exercise or not exercise at her will. She can not be forced into counselling or to change her ways without really wanting to in the first place. You're stuck as her friend because you have to deal with the worry and the smell in your home but this is the way this is going to go. If you're not prepared then you may have to deal with losing a friend.

Krumbum · 08/08/2012 14:26

It is incredibly easy to eat 3000/4000 cals a day which she probably is. It clocks up quick. And if your enjoying the food you just don't think about it.

Krumbum · 08/08/2012 14:26

Do all smokers have a mental illness?

fuzzpig · 08/08/2012 15:00

That is certainly true, I am sure I can eat double my daily allowance especially if I was eating calorie-dense food like cake rather than filling up on healthier stuff.

I think with most people though something would kick in before eating 10 individual packets of crisps - society tells you it's greedy and that would stop me. Even though I could easily eat the same amount if it was packaged differently (like in one of those big bags, or in a big bowl in front of a movie) - something about the fact it was 'ten packets' would stop me.

Maybe that's just me though.

MsBrown · 08/08/2012 15:13

Hi again.

I've had a good think about everyone's advice (ignoring the nasty replies that left me in tears, thanks). I came on here yesterday hoping to hear a miracle answer that would help my friend. Obviously i was naive, there is none.

I've decided the only thing i can do is leave her to it. She doesn't think she's unhealthy, she just thinks she's a bit big. I was hoping a doctor could do a surprise home visit and do some scare tactics to get her to be heathier (like in Embarrassing Bodies with the pics/facts etc), but i doubt that'll ever happen.
She needs to want to be healthy. Right now, she enjoys her food too much and hates exercise too much. Nobody is telling her it's wrong to be her size. Everyone just accepts her for it. I know that's a nice thing, but is it a good thing? Perhaps what she needs is for someone to turn round and tell her that her size is NOT acceptable? I'd much rather a health professional did it tbh. But the most they've ever said to her is try to do some gentle walking to brings your BP down. It's like they're so scared of upsetting overweight people, that they're not doing their job properly!

If a skinny anorexic woman went into her GP, i'm sure they'd have no problem sternly telling the patient to eat better. So why not with a morbidly obese patient? My friend is a walking heart attack but all the doctor tells her to do is go for a walk?!

I'm just so heartbroken. I loved her mum too, and her loss has had a great effect on me. The thought of losing my friend to the same reasons is terrifying.

And for the record, no i dont constantly pester her about weight. In fact, we only discuss it when SHE brings it up. And i don't nag. I try to keep it casual. But clearly even that is wrong. I'll just be stern next time and say i dont want to talk about it. Thanks everyone.

Ps i'm really annoyed at how personally everyone has taken this. Like someone else said, is obesity such a taboo subject that i can't even seek advice about a very sick friend without getting torn to shreds?! Sheesh. To those that had useful replies, thanks so much. It's appreciated.

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 08/08/2012 15:18

Make sure you tell her why you don't want to talk about it though (ie because she keeps doing it but not taking any advice) as it may just help her realise a little bit of how much she is in denial.

WhataTreat · 08/08/2012 15:27

I think some of these replies are unnecessarily harsh.

But, as others have said, you can't make someone change. If she's always been this way then it would be a huge lifestyle alteration for her, and if she's not bothered then there's not a lot you can do. I would say be supportive, but not preachy, and if she bemoans her weight or the fact that she's often short of breath, I'd gently remind her that a small change in diet and walking instead of catching a taxi might help.

Re. the crisps, I would've been angry too. I wouldn't have asked for money, but I'd be pretty pissed off, especially when you're so concerned about her weight.

I don't really have any advice, but don't lose your friend over nagging and preaching. If you have the time and inclination, maybe invite her for dinner more often? And then take her for a brisk post-dinner walk?! I know it must be horrible to see, but you can't change her.

NovackNGood · 08/08/2012 15:36

Your friend sounds very rude to gorge herself whilst at your house. She needs to take personal responsibility and there is probably little you can do although you do sound like your a very god friend to be concerned for her.

TheLightPassenger · 08/08/2012 15:43

It's unrealistic to think a bit of plain speaking from a medic "anorexic person, eat more", "morbidly obese person, eat less as your weight is unacceptable" or anyone else is going to be the lightbulb moment that makes someone change their way of life for the better. Yes, the odd person can be approached at the just time for them to accept plain speaking, but chances are the person approached in that matter will be so pissed off or upset they carry on as before.

It's obviously upsetting to see your friend behave so self-destructively, but unfortunately until she is ready in her mind to treat her body better there is little you can do.

PrincessTeacake · 08/08/2012 16:56

Welcome to the wonderful world of compulsive behavior. I know exactly how you feel, it is tremendously frustrating to watch somebody you care about make stupid harmful decisions over and over again, and it's even more frustrating to be that person.

I know grinding my teeth is a bad thing to do, and the hair pulling isn't great either, but before that I was hoarding and cleaning my hands with neat bleach. I know this, I don't need anyone to tell me it's not good for me, but I can't stop. If I do stop, I'll just replace that compulsion with another one that could be even worse. That's how it works and it's a mental disorder, nothing short of therapy will help and even then it won't eradicate the problem completely. Your friend needs to accept that she's doing herself harm and seek help on her own terms, and all you can really do is be there for her.

In the meantime though, try to keep triggers away from her, I find it helps in my case. Hide your snacks from her when she comes over. Hang out with her in ways that don't involve food and maybe come over to use her gym equipment with her so she forms a new habit.

NoMoFarahCake · 08/08/2012 18:08

OP, I dont think your friend knows how to be any other way. This is probably the way she was brought up, and so all this behavior is probably normal for her.
For her to change she would need to change her mindset completely and then the way she lives.
She may never jave had a healthy portions, or much fruit/veg in her diet or much activity.
And exercise is most likely very uncomfortable.

I have developed bad habits, increasing portions, too many takeaways, less veg more carbs, beinging inactive, but am trying to address this. I am Lucky to be able to able to use the way I was bought up as a reference point. Portions, homecooked meals, active play neing encouraged to be sporty as a teenager.
So trying to get back to that.
She may never have had that.

It will take a lightbulb momemt and then hige effort on her part to change her life.

Just be a good friend, give her good examplesin your own life, like walking places, cooking meals, making pack lunches, healthy food in your home. Maybe she will see a different way of life.

Krumbum · 08/08/2012 18:26

Op obese people are told in day in day out that their bodies are not acceptable. All it does is make people feel shit about themselves.

Krumbum · 08/08/2012 18:29

There is people who are Just underweight; anorexia and people who are underweight because of a mental health issue; anorexia nervosa.
The same is true with overeating.

Flyingwithoutwings · 08/08/2012 18:55

OP, I haven't read the entire thread but I feel for you and understand that you've posted because you care and love your friend.
I have an obese friend. She hates being so big and has tried the gym etc. she only lost a stone in 18 months so went to GP. GP immediately offered a gastric band. But my friend doesn't want to "cheat" and feels (rightly imo) that it's deeper than that.
Anyway, GP referred her to counselling as she's been diagnosed with an eating disorder, she simply can't stop eating, never feels full etc.

So back to your friend: she wants to lose weight but doesn't want to work at it. Ok, so next time she brings it up, suggest she sees her GP, she may well get the operation she wants. She will have decent aftercare too, probably counselling. Her GP isn't a stranger to her so maybe this would be the right step for her.

Fwiw, a highly regarded consultant (specialises in obesity) said on Embarrassing Bodies that there is a point / weight where surgery is the only option. I can't recall the weight but it was about 26 stone . Once you tech this weight you become so immobile that you actually can't exercise, certainly not enough to make a difference.

So that's what I would do, only when she next brings it up though. Encourage her to see her GP, say that she might not need to go to America for surgery, her own GP may well refer her or she can go private.

If she refuses then you need to just leave it. She obviously has an eating disorder and only she can fight it Sad

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 08/08/2012 19:01

LEave your friend too it - I suspect she may feel a little under pressure from you and is reacting against it. She is a grown woman, it is up to her how she lives her life (very cheeky to eat your daughters treats though!).

fuzzpig · 08/08/2012 19:02

Wasn't aware of that cut-off point. Makes sense though. OP, is she a lot more than that? BMI of 40+ is obviously very high but there is a range within that - mine is just under 40, am 17st and dress size 18-20 so while I'm certainly not very fit I am physically capable of exercise. If she is the lower end of the 40s I guess it is a different ball game to if she is pushing into 50+.

I hope surgery isn't the only option as I think in her current state she is extremely likely to break the strict post-op rules and get very sick indeed :(

Zippyrainbow · 08/08/2012 19:06

krumbum you said in a previous post "some people just like eating"...what about alcoholics some people would say "leave them be, some people just like drinking".

Krumbum · 08/08/2012 19:31

Yes there are functioning alcoholics, no different to smokers. If they want to change fair but if not then its up to them.

hopkinette · 08/08/2012 19:58

Realistically, what else can you say/do to a friend who is an alcoholic, zippy?

farndaleavenue · 08/08/2012 20:17

Boost herconfidence to give her the strength to make the decision to lose weight by herself.While she's got you carping on at her, chip,chip,chipping away at her self esteem she is never going to be successful

NovackNGood · 08/08/2012 20:21

Stage an intevention.

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