Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To wonder why my overweight friend won't try harder?

147 replies

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 15:58

I have a friend who is morbidly obese. Her mother died last year in her sleep at the young age of 44 due to high blood pressure. Her mum was also largely overweight and was a much loved nurse (on the heart ward!). i loved her dearly. Her death was a huge shock. She'd never been diagnosed with high blood pressure before.

Since then, my friend - who has NEVER bothered about her weight before - has suddenly become obsessed with it. She inherited a lot of money from her mum's death, as well as being left the house. She's converted one of the rooms into a gym and also bought a year's membership at the local gym. In a year - she's been once, and never used the gym equipment in her own home.

I tried to help her by saying i'd exercise with her, we'd do something fun, i'd help her do a healthy meal planner etc. She said no because she doesn't like exercise, and she doesn't like fruit/veg.

I told her that it's still possible to eat less fatty foods without consuming a tonne of veg. I told her it's still possible to lose weight without exercising for hours each day. But she said she couldn't be bothered with it all. She wants a quick fix. She's been looking online at the stomach band thing, and has also bought some diet pills online from America.

I've seen the film 'Requiem for a Dream' and it's made me petrified of diet drugs. I told her this, and she said a friend recommended them to her and she's fine with them having traces of speed in them if it'll make her thin!

Anyway, they made her ill, so her new thing is Herbalife. She tried it for a morning, said it was disgusting, and hasn't touched it again. yet more money down the pan.

meanwhile she's eating utter crap and getting little to no exercise each day. Her work is literally next door to her home. She gets taxis everywhere else. She works full time and get's takeouts every lunchtime, and takeaways every dinnertime. She keeps NOTHING in her fridge, but her freezer's always packed full.

I told her to make a packed lunch each night before work, but she says she can't bothered. It's quicker to get a takeaway.

I was looking at old school pics of us today and she's always been very overweight, but she's positively ballooned in the last ten years. nothing in the high street fits her anymore.

She's not depressed. She is not called names etc by random people. She is actually very popular in our town and much loved by everyone. So it's nothing to do with comfort eating etc as she's always been the same. She just loves food.

Last week, i invited her round to mine for dinner after work. She came and while i was cooking, she devoured a full multipack of crisps (10 packets!) and 4 of my daughter's chocolate bars from her treat tub.

I told her that's not on and i want money for them. She laughed and handed me over a tenner (so i actually made quite a profit, but thats not the point). I told her she has a cheek to complain about her weight when she eats like this. her excuse was 'but i've not eaten anything all day. I've been good so deserve a treat.'

I gave her dinner - Leek and potato soup with brown bread. She told me she hates bread, so left that, but ate the soup no problem. She asked for second helpings, and then thirds... I'd made a full pot (enough normally to freeze into 12 portions) and there was nothing left!

I told her that i'd give her the recipe for it, but she refused and said she doesn't like cooking.

She then went into my living room and started farting and burping away! She always does this when she's here and it bugs the hell out of me! Her wind is seriously disgusting because of her diet, and i tell her this all the time. It goes on for about an hour, i'm having to open all the windows etc, letting all the heat out. And when she leaves, like i always do when she visits, i need to shove all loose fabrics such as cushion covers etc into the wash because they reek of her wind! She's just soooo lazy and is really starting to bug me!

On the other hand, i have another mutual friend who is overweight, and has always been upset about it. Two years ago, she decided enough was enough and has managed to lose 4 stone, through gentle exercise and small changes to her diet.

It doesn't take much effort, so why can't my other friend do the same? The 'quick fix' approach obviously isn't working for her so what will? I'm really worried about her and angry too.

OP posts:
MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:31

Thanks DanteV. laying off her seems to be the only reasonable thing left to do.

OP posts:
MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:33

Hopkinette - she was upstairs (i assumed she was playing with dd) and i was in the kitchen for 20-30 mins. She hadn't eaten all day, was evidently very hungry, so must have rushed to eat them.

OP posts:
mirry2 · 07/08/2012 16:34

I would be really annoyed if I found that one of my friends had taken food out of my cupboard and eaten it without asking me first. It's the height of bad manners

hopkinette · 07/08/2012 16:34

So the crisps and chocolate are kept in one of the rooms upstairs?

VolAuVent · 07/08/2012 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:35

BunnyLebowski - i agree! God knows why i've got so many harsh replies when i'm just caring about my friend.

I thought her finally realising she's not happy with her weight (i've known her since we were twelve, and she's never complained about it before) might have given her motivation to start losing, but obviously she's got a while toget yet before she gets there.

My fear is that time's running out. She's getting heavier every year and it won't be long 'til she's bedridden. She can hardly walk as it is just now. So i'm not sure if her motivation to lose weight will come too late.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 07/08/2012 16:36

Op.... She hasn't had her 'lightbulb' moment yet.

DontmindifIdo · 07/08/2012 16:36

You need to make it clear that food stealing is not acceptable in your house, it's not about the money, she does it again, you will ask her to leave. Put some boundaries in.

Then stop talking to her about it, but refuse to listen when she complains about her weight.

It's not your responsibility, it's hers. You can't force her to be sensible, she obviously needs help, but you aren't the one who can give it.

CrikeyOHare · 07/08/2012 16:36

Blimey! She walked upstairs, rooted through your cupboards and helped herself without asking?!

Sorry - I thought she'd stood in the kitchen watching you cook while eating your food.

Then she has a bloody cheek, quite honestly. And I think, under that circumstance, I'd ask to be repaid too.

Did she apologise?

Olympia2012 · 07/08/2012 16:37

Does she have boyfriends?

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:37

@Hopkinette. Not in a room. In a store cupboard. i use it to keep my tins and packets and snacks. My kitchen cupboards are tiny and only fit my plates/pans etc. Not sure why i have to explain the layout of my home...?

OP posts:
danteV · 07/08/2012 16:41

I think you are getting a hard time because people are interpreting the frustration in your post as though you think you are better than her.
I can tell its frustration.
if you were here saying your friend was drinking herself into an early grave, refused help, came in your house and hid away to drink your alcohol and it was upsetting you to see her drinking herself to death. I think you would have had different responses.

Kayano · 07/08/2012 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 07/08/2012 16:42

Some of you would really rethink a friendship because of wind?

Christ, good thing my friends are more understanding, although I don't admit it when it's me

Anyway, what a bitch. You, that is. If you don't like her, don't have her around, but to invite her around and complain about her odours and her being disgusting is foul, utterly foul, mean and horrible.

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:42

@ Crikey, she apologised, yes. But not seriously. She thought it was funny and i was grossly overreacting. I found her giving me the tenner quite patronising actually and was angry when she refused change.

@ Olympia - that's the a good point actually i should have made. She's in her mid-twenties and has never had a relationship, and is still a virgin. She is definitely straiight and has kissed men in clubs etc, but it never leads to anything else. She's too scared to ask for their number etc. I think it's self-consciousness that comes in here, but never any other time. She's one of the most confident people i know except when around new people.

She is also desperate for a child. She says she doesn't want a partner though, just a baby. I've explained how difficult it will be to be a parent without her losing weight first, but she's adamant. She wants to go down the sperm donor route when she's in her thirties if she hasn't had sex by then.

OP posts:
harrap · 07/08/2012 16:43

For as much as people like to say it is, stopping overeating and doing more exercise just isn't a question of willpower. I know, I've been size 8 and size 18 in time. I know what I "should" be eating and I enjoy excercise. Overeating is just one of a myriad of dysfunctional ways of dealing with psychological problems-unhappiness basically. It's unfortunate for those who use food that the results are visible and lead to prejudice and accusations of being out of control and weak.
Just be a friend-not a personal trainer.

shewhowines · 07/08/2012 16:44

I think you need to explain that whilst you care a great deal about her, you are not prepared to endlessly discuss her weight and unhappiness if she's not prepared to do anything about it.

I think you need to be cruel to be kind and you need to explain that to her. Say that you want to be supportive but will only help her if she's prepared to help herself otherwise what is the point going round and round in circles discussing the same old issues and getting nowhere.

If she's not getting the support from her friends she may well be forced to seek help from professional avenues.

porcamiseria · 07/08/2012 16:45

I can see why you are frustrated, you love her, and you dont want her to die

but she aint gonna change!

obesity will always be a funny issue

if she was a cracj head you would have got alot more sympathy I suspect

but I think you need to distance yourself untikl you feel less angry

BunnyLebowski · 07/08/2012 16:46

Defence Why would I want a friend who behaved so shittily (scuse the pun) and with so little respect for me and my belongings???

I expect a little more from anyone I call a friend. Regardless of their issues.

I'd ask her to leave.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 07/08/2012 16:47

If she WERE a "crack head" there would be support from her GP, support from various addiction programmesand most tellingly, she stops, end of, no more.

Eating is a tad more tricky. I'm not overweight - have never gone beyond a size 14, although my ideal is a size 10 which I am at the moment.

However, the judgement and snideness and unpleasantness is unbelieveable - I just don't get why you're friends with this person at all!?

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:47

@ Defence. Why am i a bitch? What exactly is bitchy about worrying aabout a friend? Of course i'm pissed off with her eating so much of my food (the soup i didn't mind because i'd made it specially for her and was going to let her take the rest home), but eating dd's snacks was below the belt. And would you be fine with a friend constantly stinking out your house (i'm not exaggerrating how bad the smell is, and it honestly goes on for around an hour)?

I've complained about it to her face each time it happens, so i'm not talking behind her back. Should i just sit there and accept such bad manners in my home?

She's my best friend. I love her dearly. Why are so many people assuming i don't like her? If any of you saw your friend killing herself in such a way, wouldn't you be upset?

OP posts:
SoleSource · 07/08/2012 16:47

Her Motjer died and she is comforring. Her money, her choice how she spends it. You are a nagger and a shit friend. Dump her soo she can find somebody less bitter and jealous little miss perfect are you?

danteV · 07/08/2012 16:48

Can you have artificial insemination if you are over weight to this extent?

SquealyB · 07/08/2012 16:48

Hi OP

You do seem a little odd (allowing her to eat the food and then taking money was just weird!) but you do seem to care a lot about your friend. So here goes.....

As someone who has struggled with the weight issues including binge eating on and off for years and is not the most patient person I can understand where you friend is coming from. I also used to tell everyone I was fine about my weight and did not listen to a word of advice from well meaning friends or family.

But one day the penny dropped with me and I decided that I wanted to do something about my weight and so did Lighter Life. Which really worked for me as you had to go to counselling in order to get the foodpacks/milkshakes. I lost over 5 stone in 6 months (I am rather ashamed that I had that much to loose in the first place). Perhaps this would work for your friend as you do get quick results which can be very encouraging? It is expensive but money does not seem to be an issue here. I managed to keep the weight off and am now pregnant and managing to eat well and maintain good habits.

Thing is though....although you can tell her your concerns and tell her you want to help her you can't make her do anything about her weight. She needs to care enough about herself to do it for herself. Until she does you will just be wasting your breathe. In the meantime...do try and be a bit nicer, be a good friend to her and treat her with respect. Also if you are really anti the farting just ask her not to or laugh about it....your choice how you deal with that one Grin

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 07/08/2012 16:49

By eating your food, which she paid for, and farting?

Friends have done worse to me! Hmm