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To wonder why my overweight friend won't try harder?

147 replies

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 15:58

I have a friend who is morbidly obese. Her mother died last year in her sleep at the young age of 44 due to high blood pressure. Her mum was also largely overweight and was a much loved nurse (on the heart ward!). i loved her dearly. Her death was a huge shock. She'd never been diagnosed with high blood pressure before.

Since then, my friend - who has NEVER bothered about her weight before - has suddenly become obsessed with it. She inherited a lot of money from her mum's death, as well as being left the house. She's converted one of the rooms into a gym and also bought a year's membership at the local gym. In a year - she's been once, and never used the gym equipment in her own home.

I tried to help her by saying i'd exercise with her, we'd do something fun, i'd help her do a healthy meal planner etc. She said no because she doesn't like exercise, and she doesn't like fruit/veg.

I told her that it's still possible to eat less fatty foods without consuming a tonne of veg. I told her it's still possible to lose weight without exercising for hours each day. But she said she couldn't be bothered with it all. She wants a quick fix. She's been looking online at the stomach band thing, and has also bought some diet pills online from America.

I've seen the film 'Requiem for a Dream' and it's made me petrified of diet drugs. I told her this, and she said a friend recommended them to her and she's fine with them having traces of speed in them if it'll make her thin!

Anyway, they made her ill, so her new thing is Herbalife. She tried it for a morning, said it was disgusting, and hasn't touched it again. yet more money down the pan.

meanwhile she's eating utter crap and getting little to no exercise each day. Her work is literally next door to her home. She gets taxis everywhere else. She works full time and get's takeouts every lunchtime, and takeaways every dinnertime. She keeps NOTHING in her fridge, but her freezer's always packed full.

I told her to make a packed lunch each night before work, but she says she can't bothered. It's quicker to get a takeaway.

I was looking at old school pics of us today and she's always been very overweight, but she's positively ballooned in the last ten years. nothing in the high street fits her anymore.

She's not depressed. She is not called names etc by random people. She is actually very popular in our town and much loved by everyone. So it's nothing to do with comfort eating etc as she's always been the same. She just loves food.

Last week, i invited her round to mine for dinner after work. She came and while i was cooking, she devoured a full multipack of crisps (10 packets!) and 4 of my daughter's chocolate bars from her treat tub.

I told her that's not on and i want money for them. She laughed and handed me over a tenner (so i actually made quite a profit, but thats not the point). I told her she has a cheek to complain about her weight when she eats like this. her excuse was 'but i've not eaten anything all day. I've been good so deserve a treat.'

I gave her dinner - Leek and potato soup with brown bread. She told me she hates bread, so left that, but ate the soup no problem. She asked for second helpings, and then thirds... I'd made a full pot (enough normally to freeze into 12 portions) and there was nothing left!

I told her that i'd give her the recipe for it, but she refused and said she doesn't like cooking.

She then went into my living room and started farting and burping away! She always does this when she's here and it bugs the hell out of me! Her wind is seriously disgusting because of her diet, and i tell her this all the time. It goes on for about an hour, i'm having to open all the windows etc, letting all the heat out. And when she leaves, like i always do when she visits, i need to shove all loose fabrics such as cushion covers etc into the wash because they reek of her wind! She's just soooo lazy and is really starting to bug me!

On the other hand, i have another mutual friend who is overweight, and has always been upset about it. Two years ago, she decided enough was enough and has managed to lose 4 stone, through gentle exercise and small changes to her diet.

It doesn't take much effort, so why can't my other friend do the same? The 'quick fix' approach obviously isn't working for her so what will? I'm really worried about her and angry too.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 07/08/2012 16:13

Theres a few stupid strange threads around today.

ParsleyTheLioness · 07/08/2012 16:14

This reply has been deleted

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MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:14

@ Shirley Errr... my partner died. Don't know how willpower could have prevented that...

yes, i have struggled with my weight after having my daughter. But i managed it through discipline and through WANTING to be healthy again. I think friend is just in denial about how unhealthy she is.

OP posts:
CrikeyOHare · 07/08/2012 16:14

Did you say in advance - "If you eat those, they'll have to replaced because they're meant to last us?"

If so - kind of fair enough, I suppose.

Anyway - she paid for them. Buy some more. What's the problem?

rainydaysarebad · 07/08/2012 16:15

Oh God, this has reminded me of the trapped wind and farting problem I developed when I had DS. It was like all the wind that had been trapped over 9 months was just flowing out of me. It's not a nice problem OP. You should be more understanding about the farts.

DontmindifIdo · 07/08/2012 16:15

Your friend won't try harder because she cares more about being able to eat what she wants and being able to be physically lazy more than she does about being healthy or thin. You nagging won't make her care more, it'll just make her feel bad about herself.

I would instead drop it - tell her she's not welcome to just raid food at yours, no nagging about her weight, just say "no, I don't want you to help yourself to my food."

If she brings up diet pills, surgery etc, then say "I don't want to talk about this, if you want to lose weight, then fine, but I don't want to hear about it."

Then don't discuss. She is probably eating herself into an early grave, but she knows this deep down, and she is choosing to do this - the reasons are very rarely clear, even to the person doing it, but it's a choice to be fat. Bar the very small minority of people with medical conditions that cause them to gain weight regardless of a good diet and exercise routine, all other overweight people are fat because they have chosen to be. Or more, they have chosen to eat/live in a way that will cause them to be fat because they value that higher than their own health.

Petsinmyolympicpudenda · 07/08/2012 16:16

I think you enjoy looking down at her.

Do the right thing and leave her to find decent people to spend her time with

TheLightPassenger · 07/08/2012 16:16

Biscuit X100. Clearly it was your vegetable soup giving her wind, you need to improve your cooking.

Someone that eats 10 packets of crisps at a time has deeper issues than "loving food" Hmm

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:17

I changed my name. Not a first post.

FFS, why did i bother posting just to be bombarded with this shit? I'm upset about someone i love, and I'M the bad guy?

She is killing herself and i don't know how to help her. I honestly think she'll be bedbound in a few years. I was looking for advice on how to prevent this happening, not be accused of hating my friend.

I didn't know she'd ate them until i served dinner, so i couldn't have stopped her. I offered her change, she refused it.

OP posts:
missymoomoomee · 07/08/2012 16:18

Must be just great being perfect. Can you tell us normal people what the view is like from up there on your high horse please.

RichTeas · 07/08/2012 16:18

MSBrown, no you should try to help her (of course). If she is depressed she may not ever let you know it. My suggestion was to get her to a psychologist on her eating issues (not on depression, though often their is a link with these two issues). Maybe you can firmly but kindly suggest that you go with her (not into the session) but that you drive her there and be supportive. She'll probably laugh it off, but use her "carefree attitude" to suggest she has nothing to lose by going. Suggest that you find out about it for her as she probably will avoid it if she doesn't want to go, and basically make it really really easy for her to go to a first session. She will thank you for it in the end. If she has serious weight issues AND has lost her mother at a young age, she could really do with professional support.

ShirleyKnot · 07/08/2012 16:18

I'm sorry to hear about the death of your partner.

I shouldn't have made such a sweeping judgement about you without being actually inside your brain.

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:19

Thanks DontMindIfIDo. I suppose this an approach i can try. Just be casual about it, rather than nag.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/08/2012 16:20

You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink!!

Friend or not, you sound very patronising and preachy.........you probably scare the poor woman to death, that is why she is farting all over your sofa. Well, the leek soup wont help that either...

Seriously, unless you have a lost a mum you cant comprehend how it feels. I am very health/weight conscious but when I lost my mum in 2010 I bloated up a bit, went on a bit of a self destruct mission in my misery and the only one who could pull me out of it was, well, me!!

Outwardly you would never have known how sad I was, I put on a fantastic show and people marvelled at how well I coped....little did they know I was dead inside.

She has the stuff to do it now and as soon as she is in the mind set she will. Maybe she will never be in that mind set but that is up to her but please stop preaching, patronising her or whatever and just be supportive. Believe me, she is in a shit place right now, dont make her feel any worse. Just accept her for who she is and just love her for that!

PeshwariNaan · 07/08/2012 16:20

It sounds like she might have a binge eating disorder. She may not seem depressed but I'm sure she is still grieving for her mother. This sounds pretty serious to me - I think she needs counselling and sympathy from you.

ShirleyKnot · 07/08/2012 16:21

Well said Betty.

blueemerald · 07/08/2012 16:22

I think it's clear she may have had an unhealthy relationship or attitude to food already but that her mother's early death has pushed it into overdrive. If she refuses to see a professional about it there really isn't much you can do.

If true, I do think it is incredibly rude to eat 10 packets of crisps and 4 chocolate bars just before being served dinner and any posters criticising your reaction are kidding themselves that they wouldn't also be shocked and annoyed in the same situation.

mirry2 · 07/08/2012 16:23

How did she get hld of the crisps and chocolate bars? Did you give them to her or do you let her forage in your cupboards?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 07/08/2012 16:23

I can see how you are frustrated. I would be too.

Im afraid that I cannot stand people who fart and burp outside of their own hone so I simply wouldnt have her round again.

That said, the cycle she is in is hard to break. Its psychological. She is probably depressed and eating to help herself feel better. She is also still grieving for her mum.

The difference between her and your other friend is that the girl who lost weight had reached the point of "no more" and had the will power to see it through. You feel that this girls mum dying should have got her to that same point. But it hasnt.

It has to come from within her. She has to figure out that having a home gym and diet pills does not make fat disappear. You cannot sit on your arse eating crap and "think" yourself thin.

FWIW I have struggled with my weight all my life. I have the ability to lose weight. I know how. I have done it several times. I dont even eat that bad. But I am still overweight. So Im not "judging fat people" before anyone says I am

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:23

Thanks again RichTeas, but i've already tried this. She's adamant she's not going. Our mutual friend's aunt is a trained councillor and offered to see her but she refused this too. She says she prefers talking to her friends about how she's feeling, rather than a stranger. It's something she'll never do.

She's my best friend and tell me practically everything that she's feeling. She's been really down in the past and i've been able to tell. She was griefstricken for six months after her mum died, but has picked herself up since.

For the record, the wind thing happens everytime she comes to my house, people. Regardless of what she eats, or even if she doesn't eat at all.

OP posts:
MsBrown · 07/08/2012 16:27

I keep my treats in a cupboard upstairs. I was in the kitchen. I assumed she was just upstairs playing with my daughter whereas she was obviously eating the food.

The thing is, she's ALWAYS been this way with food and exercise. It's not changed since her mum's death. It's just stayed the same. The only thing different is her actually realising she's not happy with her weight. She constantly moans about it, yet hasn't made any serious changes. She wants quick fixes, which just won't work.

OP posts:
CrispyCod · 07/08/2012 16:28

Your friend has psychological issues which need to be addressed, this isn't about finding the right diet, not yet anyway.

I do believe you care a great deal for your friend but I think you're disgusted by her. Disgusted by her attitude to her own lifestyle. Without professional help or a serious health scare I really don't think your friend will change.

I'm sure she's still grieving for her mum but it can be easy to blame these things in order to hide from the real issue.

danteV · 07/08/2012 16:29

I think the OP is having a needlessly hard time tbh.
I have been on both sides of this. My weight got out of control, I hated being over weight. But just couldn't get out of my habits. I have now and am a healthy weight, go to the gym and much more active.
I have also been where the OP has. My mum is very over weight, constantly moaning while eating massive packets of crisps. She had to have an operation and knew she would so wanted to loose weight before the operation was scheduled. She still sat and ate crap while telling me she was worried she might die during the operation because of her weight.
After a while it becomes infuriating. I used to get so annoyed at my mum. I encouraged her, excerised with her even cooked meals for her. Then she would sit and eat piles of chocolate. It makes you mad when someone you love is upset over something, constantly talks about it but won't do anything about it.
Op I suggest you lay off her. Unless you have been there (and being a bit over weight for a short while is not the same) its difficult to understand. It should be simple, but often its not. If she refuses all help, I would be honest and tell her that you would prefer not to discuss it. Ni matter what you do, she will not loose weight until she is ready if at all.
I think she does have issues that need dealing with, but again, you can't force her to.
As for asking for money for eating your food. You did right. You were making her food and she came in and helped herself. That is not the actions of a guest.
honestly, OP, its really hard when you are I. Your friends position.

hopkinette · 07/08/2012 16:30

How did she eat 10 bags of crisps and 4 chocolate bars while you were cooking without you noticing?

BunnyLebowski · 07/08/2012 16:31

OP - I can see why you're concerned and I think you've been unfairly flamed.

The stealing food and disgusting wind would gross me out to the point that I'd rethink the friendship.

It's obvious that your friend has huge issues and you or anyone else are never going to be able to 'make' her face up to them or change. She needs to hit her own rock-bottom before this is even a possibility. Based on what you've said she doesn't really care what you think.

Ultimately it's her body she's destroying and her responsibility if her health suffers because of it. There's nothing you can do.