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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To wonder why my overweight friend won't try harder?

147 replies

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 15:58

I have a friend who is morbidly obese. Her mother died last year in her sleep at the young age of 44 due to high blood pressure. Her mum was also largely overweight and was a much loved nurse (on the heart ward!). i loved her dearly. Her death was a huge shock. She'd never been diagnosed with high blood pressure before.

Since then, my friend - who has NEVER bothered about her weight before - has suddenly become obsessed with it. She inherited a lot of money from her mum's death, as well as being left the house. She's converted one of the rooms into a gym and also bought a year's membership at the local gym. In a year - she's been once, and never used the gym equipment in her own home.

I tried to help her by saying i'd exercise with her, we'd do something fun, i'd help her do a healthy meal planner etc. She said no because she doesn't like exercise, and she doesn't like fruit/veg.

I told her that it's still possible to eat less fatty foods without consuming a tonne of veg. I told her it's still possible to lose weight without exercising for hours each day. But she said she couldn't be bothered with it all. She wants a quick fix. She's been looking online at the stomach band thing, and has also bought some diet pills online from America.

I've seen the film 'Requiem for a Dream' and it's made me petrified of diet drugs. I told her this, and she said a friend recommended them to her and she's fine with them having traces of speed in them if it'll make her thin!

Anyway, they made her ill, so her new thing is Herbalife. She tried it for a morning, said it was disgusting, and hasn't touched it again. yet more money down the pan.

meanwhile she's eating utter crap and getting little to no exercise each day. Her work is literally next door to her home. She gets taxis everywhere else. She works full time and get's takeouts every lunchtime, and takeaways every dinnertime. She keeps NOTHING in her fridge, but her freezer's always packed full.

I told her to make a packed lunch each night before work, but she says she can't bothered. It's quicker to get a takeaway.

I was looking at old school pics of us today and she's always been very overweight, but she's positively ballooned in the last ten years. nothing in the high street fits her anymore.

She's not depressed. She is not called names etc by random people. She is actually very popular in our town and much loved by everyone. So it's nothing to do with comfort eating etc as she's always been the same. She just loves food.

Last week, i invited her round to mine for dinner after work. She came and while i was cooking, she devoured a full multipack of crisps (10 packets!) and 4 of my daughter's chocolate bars from her treat tub.

I told her that's not on and i want money for them. She laughed and handed me over a tenner (so i actually made quite a profit, but thats not the point). I told her she has a cheek to complain about her weight when she eats like this. her excuse was 'but i've not eaten anything all day. I've been good so deserve a treat.'

I gave her dinner - Leek and potato soup with brown bread. She told me she hates bread, so left that, but ate the soup no problem. She asked for second helpings, and then thirds... I'd made a full pot (enough normally to freeze into 12 portions) and there was nothing left!

I told her that i'd give her the recipe for it, but she refused and said she doesn't like cooking.

She then went into my living room and started farting and burping away! She always does this when she's here and it bugs the hell out of me! Her wind is seriously disgusting because of her diet, and i tell her this all the time. It goes on for about an hour, i'm having to open all the windows etc, letting all the heat out. And when she leaves, like i always do when she visits, i need to shove all loose fabrics such as cushion covers etc into the wash because they reek of her wind! She's just soooo lazy and is really starting to bug me!

On the other hand, i have another mutual friend who is overweight, and has always been upset about it. Two years ago, she decided enough was enough and has managed to lose 4 stone, through gentle exercise and small changes to her diet.

It doesn't take much effort, so why can't my other friend do the same? The 'quick fix' approach obviously isn't working for her so what will? I'm really worried about her and angry too.

OP posts:
DoItOnce · 07/08/2012 18:38

Ok, Krumbum my FIL died because he was obese. He would not have died if he was not obese but I understand what you are saying. My FIL died of heart failure caused directly by being obese, it was not exacerbated by obesity it was caused by obesity, as his death certificate stated.

hopkinette · 07/08/2012 18:41

Layout of your house does sound intriguing :)

Anyway, just dump her. You are getting far too overwrought about the whole thing: she's not going to lose weight til she's ready to and your fury and disgust (sorry, compassion and concern) are unlikely to change that. Unless this is a dynamic that you actually relish, in which case, carry on. A lot of people actively seek out the company of people they feel "superior" to because spending time with someone they regard as inferior allows them to constantly reflect on how much better they are.

RebeccaAdlingtonMumsnet · 07/08/2012 18:49

Hi all,

At this point we have no reason to believe that the OP is anything but genuine.

If you have any concerns, please do report them to us rather than troll hunting on the thread. If you are right you are feeding the troll and if you are wrong, you can cause untold hurt and upset to someone who is looking for advice and support.

Many thanks to those who reported.

PorkyandBess · 07/08/2012 18:56

I have a very windy dh, but I can't think I have ever needed to wash cushion covers after he's been trumping! Unless your friend is following through?

Anyway, I'm sure you are concerned about your friend, although you have come across rather self-righteous.

As a non fat person, it's hard for you to understand why she lives in this way. But, if it was that straightforward, there wouldn't be so many morbidly obese people around.

Has she spoken to her gp?

MaryPoppinsBagsGold · 07/08/2012 19:08

I am not suggesting counselling because OP's mate is over weight, I am suggesting counselling if there are underlying reasons to her weight issues.

Krumbum · 07/08/2012 19:16

The op has said she doesnt believe she has an eating disorder.

MsBrown · 07/08/2012 19:17

Can't believe i've been reported!

I think some people are taking this thread far too personally. It's about my friend - not you, not your overweight aunt or child - my overweight friend. A lovely lady who may die in the next ten years if she doesn't get help.

She's been to her GP after her mum died in order to get a sick line to allow her to take time off work to recover. He suggested councilling to her but she told him no chance. She hates new people, new scenarios and it's just not something she'll do.

I really am running out of options. i think you're right. I have to take a step back and just refuse to listen to anymore of 'weight' talk. Weight isn't the only thing we talk about btw, in case that's what you think. I hardly see her actually as she works so much.

And no, FGS, i'm not in the slightest bit jealous of her inheritence. Her mum was a hardworking lady who sacrificed so much to put money by for her kids, and i'm sure my friend would much rather have her mum back than her money. What does slightly annoy me about this aspect of my post though is that she's wasting this money on 'quick fixes' which don't work. But that's not really important. What's important is her health.

I honestly can't see her lightbulb moment coming anytime soon. Even when she ends up bedridden i fear she'll be in denial. It's just so sad realising that my best friend is needlessly killing herself.

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsBagsGold · 07/08/2012 19:19

She might be depressed. I know OP said not, but it's easy to hide.
Over eating is a symptom of depression.

EllenParsons · 07/08/2012 19:20

YANBU OP, I think you have been unnecessarily flamed and you do sound like you care. It is a difficult situation though. Tbh I have no idea how you should tackle it because any real change has to come from her.

justpaddling · 07/08/2012 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler · 07/08/2012 19:32

OP you are getting a hard time here because you don't seem to have any comprehension of what this is like for your friend. Her mother was also obese, which suggests that really your friend has no idea what a normal, healthy diet involves. And unlike drink, or drugs, which an addict can give up entirely, we all have to eat.

Your friend isn't ready to make changes. She may never be. Which is very frustrating.

If she were amenable to help I'd say CBT rather than counselling. Although as she is still grieving she probably needs both.

DoItOnce · 07/08/2012 19:41

OP., I am bewildered by this thread and sorry that some posters have been so unpleasant. I hope you have found some of the posts useful. You seem to be an insightful and companionate friend but sometimes, however good your intentions, there is nothing that you can do to change how someone behaves. The only thing you can change is how you deal with it.

I hope everything works out.

SoleSource · 07/08/2012 19:42

When she does get her lightbulb miment she will use her gym and buy new clothes. Can you ask her if she minds you using it, may motivate her.

Alabama100 · 07/08/2012 20:04

I seriously cannot believe this forum at times. Op you have been treated appalling in a lot of these posts -and your crime? Wanting to help your friend through what is clearly a mental disorder. That's right I said it. Anyone who severely restricts their calorie intake to the point of starvation or consumes calories to the point of becoming morbidly obsese has a mental disorder and all you're trying to do is help her. And just to make this clear - I am not saying someone who is just overweight or a bit underweight, I am referring to someone who is clinically morbidly obese - eating 10 packets of crisps in a go is not normal.

I think you're a very good friend who is clearly looking out for someone you care for.

Have no advice just wanted to offer support.

Krumbum · 07/08/2012 20:10

Wow there are millions of people with eating disorders then. Why are we not helping out all these people's mental illness!

NagooingForGold · 07/08/2012 20:34

OP, I have a friend whose farts smell of death and there is no way I could put up with it for an hour or more. You have my deepest sympathy there. It's not like normal farting, so if it's anything like what I have smelled YANBU.

I don't think you sound like a bad friend and I don't think you deserve the flaming you have got.

I do know someone who did very well on lighterlife, lost a lot of weight very fast. It doesn't sound like money is a problem and spending money on that has got to be a lot safer than pills.

Alabama100 · 07/08/2012 22:49

krumbum if you are MORBIDLY OBESE and do not see any eating 10 packets of crisps in one sitting cause for concern, then yes this is not normal, then yes this persons relationship with food is severely abnormal, yes this is considered an eating disorder and yes just like anorexia is deemed to be a mental disorder as is the opposite - over eating to the extreme whe your health is seriously compromised.

See, now there was no need for such a shitty post now was there.

thunksheadontable · 07/08/2012 23:29

I come from a family where the majority of women are morbidly obese. I am currently overweight after having ds2 seven weeks ago but I will return to a normal (but not terribly low) BMI sometime over the next year. It will just happen, it's no effort, I don't need to eat a special way or exercise a specific amount. My sister in particular (18+ stone) does WAY more exercise than I do - spinning classes etc - and she lives on rabbit food. I think there's more to obesity than meets the eye.

It's my understanding from reading "What you can change and what you can't" that the majority of research shows that once you've become morbidly obese it's virtually impossible to get back to a normal weight and stay there for the majority of people. Gastric bypass is the best option but of course it has its own risks and means a lifetime where the individual can't eat any fatty food so no birthday cake or takeaway for a treat or a celebration.

Dieting nearly ALWAYS makes people fatter. Exercise can help maintain weight and can lead to steady slow weight loss but if you do a "diet and exercise" plan, all the evidence seems to say you will have regained your weight and then some within five years unless you are very, very lucky.

So don't be frustrated. She is as she is. Encourage sustainable exercise like going for country walks rather than these huge life-changing regimes and be compassionate about it. It ain't fun to be morbidly obese, physically or emotionally.

Krumbum · 07/08/2012 23:33

I don't agree. I think some people do have emotional problems that mean they over eat. That is an eating disorder.
But some people just love eating. It's something enjoyable and they want to do it lots. And they don't mind being fat. Not everyone hates fat.

Alabama100 · 08/08/2012 06:07

krumbum we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

LadyInDisguise · 08/08/2012 06:40

OP, I will have to agree with a lot of others. Your friend hasn't had a 'penny dropped' moment yet. She isn't ready and is still looking for quick fixes.

I have to say, if what is working for her is a gastric band and it means she can then have a child of her own, live a longer and happier life, then so be it.

Gastric bands aren't the ONE solution to her problems. Some people develop other type of eating disorders such as bulimia and there is also the issue of excess skin after loosing a lot of weight (but then she would have that problem whatever the way she is loosing weight).
And most importantly, this would not solve the things that brought her to eat too much in the first place.
But they CAN be the right solution for your friend so it is really up to her as to what she is going to do.

The only thing you can do as a very good friend is to stand back and stop being so annoyed by it. I am sure she can feel it and you might loose a very good friend if you carry on that way (wo talking about death here).
She is the only person who can do that, she is the one who has to change her ways and do some heavy work on herself. That's hard and unfortunately, you can not force her to do it, nor can you do it for her.
Support her as much as you can, highlight the positive about any steps she is taking (if you are happy about it) but wo going on about it too much. Just say 'Oh yes that's fantastic! What a good idea!' but don't then go into what she could do and then ask if she has done this or that. Don't comment on the negative. And appreciate silently the positive. If she has had soup for her dinner, that's one good meal which is a very good start.

It can be very hard when you see someone close doing things that are dangerous for their health. A close member of my family is doing exactly that atm but I can't change it and I would prefer spending a nice time with them and enjoying their company rather than spending all my time having a go at them, being miserable and making them miserable in the process too (even if it's done with plenty of good intentions)

50shadesofslapntickle · 08/08/2012 07:17

Well I think it is extremely rude of her to come to your house and raid your cupboards. I would tell her that this is absolutely not on and that if she comes to your house she is not to raid your cupboards.

I too think you are getting a hard time and I understand your frustration - I too have been overweight and it was one of the most horrible things in my life. I hated it, felt disgusting, like I wasn't living fully and it was just awful. But I would have never been as fucking rude as your friend in your house. Maybe you need to have a Frank discussion about her lack of manners. On the weight front, I'm not sure what to suggest if she won't help herself or listen - there are NO quick fixes and it's a shame she won't get help especially as she can afford it.
How old is she?
Being fat is miserable (yes, yes, I know there are a few people who like it, but let's be honest, most people who are fat are not comfotablw with it) and it's almost taboo to be frustrated when you see fat people eating and eating and do nothing about it.
It was frustrating for me being like that! It is my weakness, my addiction and it's horrible. Ignore the nasty comments here, people don't want to face that others view big people in a certain way, you have been honest and there is nothing wrong with that. In your shoes I would be more honest with her, especially her lack of manners which are disgusting!

fuzzpig · 08/08/2012 07:31

Agree with chub that she probably has no healthy diet as a background. If her mother died so young from obesity-related issues then she may well have had a terrible lifestyle and that is now her baseline - so actually even eating a normal 2000kcal per day diet might seem like starvation compared to what she had growing up, let alone an actual weightloss/fad diet regime.

I am lucky I suppose that I actually grew up with a healthier diet than many, always fresh cooked food with loads of fruit and veg. The downfall was too many indulgent snacks and a sedentary life, so that is the part I am struggling to change. You replicate what you know - I can cook well and actually love healthy food much more than junk food, but the bad habits I learned in childhood are very difficult to kick.

50shadesofslapntickle · 08/08/2012 07:36

Overeating IS a disorder because there is no balance if you stuff your face. I know this. I've been there. It is not even enjoyable. It is an addiction like drugs are an addiction.

fuzzpig · 08/08/2012 07:39

BTW I doubt she would get a gastric band, at least I hope she wouldn't be given one if the doctors assess her - IIRC breaking the strict rules after having it fitted is really quite dangerous and makes you very ill, and it sounds like she is not in the right 'place' yet to actually stick to those rules.

I also think it is wrong to tell OP to back off, as to me it sounds like she isn't really bugging her friend about it, rather that the friend is often complaining about it to OP a lot, leaving her no choice but to respond. I may have misunderstood that though.